I Can’t Let You Go

Dear Daniel,

Don’t know why I need to write to you. Maybe it’s a way of purging you and everything you once meant to me out of my battered heart. All I’m left with is this dull listless ache in my soul. There’s nothing I want to do anymore. There’s nothing left to fight for, to live for or to die for.

Living Dead. Remember those two words you hated so much? Well, that’s what I’ve become. Do you know what it’s like to experience a pain that cuts so deep that it kills everything alive in you and transforms you into this waxen ghost? A flesh and blood ghost with no spirit. That’s what I am now. That’s all that’s left of me, the woman who once held you in her arms all night.

My shrink assures me it’s alright to grieve, to cry those embittered tears that I’ve tried to hold back for so long. I try to let the tears flow to ease the piercing pain that comes with harboring a love that refuses to go away. But the tears don’t come as easily as they used to. There’s nobody to wipe them away. They just dried up one day leaving ghostly trails in their wake. I lie on the couch but can’t speak of you. I’m afraid. Afraid that speaking of you and getting it all out will take you away from me for good. I want to hold on to the dregs of what might have been, however pathetic that may sound.

I loved you even before I set my eyes on you, even before I knew that love could be like this. Fierce, fascinating and frightening all at once. And when I first saw you, you were everything I’d ever dreamed of. Only better. You were so very handsome, every part of you a wonder. The fine brown hair that I loved to play with. Those beautiful whisky eyes that once only shone for me. The hands that would grasp mine tightly as if you never wanted to let go. Those juicy cherry lips that would whisper sweet nothings in my ear. That world was ours Danny. You were my universe.

Ever since you left, I’ve lost all track of time. I go through the motions with no inkling of time. What is time after all? It’s the only thing I’m left with. The only thing I have no use for. I wake up alone and stare at the home that once filled me with joy. Remember the filigree lace on the center-table that I wouldn’t let you touch? I always feared you’d stain it with your gooey hands. I took that vintage lace and ripped it apart the other day. I’d give anything for you to soil it once more, run your grimy hands all over it like you used to. I’d give anything in the world to scream at you to wash up before sitting down to dinner. Anything.

Six months. You left six months ago, my shrink tells me. Only six months, I wonder. It feels like six thousand years since I last held your body close to mine, the beat of your pulsating heart engulfing me with bliss like no other. Did you feel my love then Danny? Did you? Did you feel it when we sat by the window at night watching and counting the pretty stars? Did you feel it when I laid my cheek against yours and softly sang the songs you loved to hear?
I wake up in the dark of night, my pillow damp with sweat and tears. I scream to the blinding darkness, DID YOU?
But you don’t answer. You never do. The darkness turns its back on me even as I drift into restless oblivion.

Your leaving has given me access to a whole range of emotions I never knew I possessed. Despair far beyond sorrow, misery beyond melancholy and recently, a growing sense of ennui that grips me when I stare out the window, willing you to walk through the front door and greet me with a hug, the way you used to.

The other day I was awakened by a loud banging on the front door. Groggy with sleep, dressed only in a housecoat, my hair hanging like thread around my shoulders, I made my way to the door thinking you had come back for me.
I yelled, “Danny, I’ll be there in a minute.”
When I whisked the door open, it wasn’t you, but an insurance salesman. How I hated him at that moment. I could’ve killed him in a heartbeat with no regrets.
I looked at him and slapped his face with all the strength I could summon. I couldn’t stop slapping him. I slapped him again and again and again, my hands swinging like they never had before, with a will of their own. I heard the terrifying screams and looked around wildly to see who it was that had belted out those heart wrenching guttural screams. It took a moment to realize it was me. I fell to the ground, striking my knuckles against the wood panels and banging my head repeatedly on the sideboards, trying in vain to hurt myself more than the hurt in my heart.

The shrink says it’s not healthy for me to be alone. But what choice do I have? You were everything I had and everything I wanted and you’ve gone away. Why, I yell to God, why me. We had only eight years together. I built so many dreams around you, the things we would do, the places we would visit, the movies we’d watch, the songs we’d sing. Of what use is anything now, when you’re not here with me? Life goes on, they say, but how?

Each morning when I wake up, I find it difficult to believe I’m still alive. But my hands move, my legs walk, my eyes see. It’s only my spirit that’s dead. Yes, even deader than you are Danny.

Today, after all this time, I will visit your grave my beautiful bright son. The boy who meant so much to me in life and now means even more to me in death. Do you know how much I regret never giving you the father you deserved? Do you know how much I regret marrying that mobster who beat the crap out of me every other night? Do you know how much I regret not killing him before he took that Smith & Wesson revolver and emptied the bullets in you? You’ll never know Danny because you’re not here anymore. I have to live with the guilt every day for the rest of my life and something tells me the rest of my life isn’t going to be very long.

I only ask your forgiveness now, for I don’t deserve your love. I’m left in this hopeless abyss dreaming of the things we’ll never do, the places we’ll never visit, the songs we’ll never sing. Isn’t that price enough to pay? It’ll never be enough, I know. Here’s a little something I meant to sing to you that night, your last night with me. You loved my silly little songs, didn’t you? Here’s the last one I wrote. It’s for you my beautiful beautiful boy.

The stars shine brightly far above
But none like you Danny my love
My dawn, my morn, my noon, my night
Far better than the sun ever so bright.

I love you much more than you could know
The warmth of your affection makes me glow
My world is made of just you and me
My beautiful boy, as sweet as can be.

Goodbye sweetest. I love you. Forgive me but don’t forget me for I can’t let you go.