Regret

My for my entire adult life the feeling of remorse has evaded me. I have moved through life without the slightest feeling of regret or sorrow for the mistakes or pain that I have caused others. It was if I was impervious and unknowing to the destruction in which lay in my wake.

All of that changed today. Today I gained an empathetic understanding of the japenese ritual of "seppuku". At this very moment I embraced the feeling of feeling so shamed by own actions that the waiting arms of death were welcoming as opposed to carry out my life in disgrace for what I have done.

But one has to wonder why the sudden change, why the sudden realization. Why the sudden drift from ones on selfish existence. You see there was a point where I felt as though ones emotions clouded ones judgments. It made a person unable to think properly carry out ones goals and caused them to make irrational decisons. This inherently may be true. Just as I am probably experiencing at this very moment. Which brings me back to my original point. What caused this? For the first time in my life I embraced the theory of love. I call it a theory cause no one can actually quite define it but many have encountered its existence. In any case I embraced love and all that came with it, only to find out that my own actions prior to finding love, may have in fact crushed the human being that I have fallen for. Now for the first time I like an whirlwind of emotions, tearing apart my very soul.

Is this my punishment for my the life I have lived? Is this justice carrying itself out in its purest form? Must I suffer with these thoughts for the rest of my existence because of my prior actions? I have not a single answer for any of these questions. Nor is there any way to atone for this now.

Therefore I must do what I must and that is to suffer internally for the rest of my days knowing what I have done and what I have become. Some say it never to late, but what does one do when he cannot right a wrong? What does one do when the one true thing that they have cherished in life they have destroyed? What do you do?