Mr. Benway

The elderly man pottered about around his desk in the classroom. The class sat facing him, mostly quiet with a couple of boys whispering to each other at the back. They all watched him with a hostile interest; this was the immediate authority over them from the college, this clueless old man whose hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

He constantly looked about his feet as if he had dropped something, occasionally looking up and giving a nervous laugh as if he didn’t realise that there was a class before him. This act went on for almost a minute as the class sat quietly watching. He began checking the pockets of his black chord pants and chest pockets of his matching checked shirt, as if the item he was searching for could be hidden there.

One petite girl in glasses meekly raised her hand near the front of the class, “Excuse me, sir” She said in a soft voice. His head bolted up to give this girl a wide-eyed stare through his thick-rimmed glasses. The girl seemed to cower in her place under this examination- slowly lowering her hand and sinking her head into her desk. The tracksuit clad boys who had previously been having a discussion began to laugh at this ordeal until the man’s head snapped his gaze onto them.

Both tailed off laughing but one began a battle of wits by fixing his eyes on the man at the front of the class. Now the class was deathly silent, the pair concentrating all their efforts in intimidating the other.

The old man appeared to lose interest in this contest and gave a muffled exclamation of, “Ah of course” as he turned to his desk. The boy who had contested the old man was giving a smug nod of victory until a board wiper stuck him right on the forehead. This old man had tossed it with surprising agility and force across the class and downed his insubordinate pupil who fell out of his chair and hit the floor with a high pitched yelp.

The old man now stood in front of the whiteboard wearing an innocent smile as this boy crossed the class holding his head in an attempt to halt the flow of blood that was seeping through his fingers and down his arm. At passing the old man the boy attempted to give an aggressive shoulder barge but the man didn’t budge and for a second time the boy toppled to the floor. On rising this time he left the classroom in a sprint to the sound of laughter from the class.

The man joined in the laughter for a couple of seconds before all enjoyment drained from his face and he clapped his hands together. At this signal the class became silent; all eyes were now on this man, filled with a mix of wonder and fear.

“Hello, ladies and gentlemen. As you know I am your new form tutor for the rest of this year and my name is Mr Benway.” As he finished this he turned around and wrote his name on the whiteboard in a jittery scrawling handwriting. “Seen as this is our first long form slot we might as well begin with what we’ve got to do. Today the topic of discussion is sex.”

At the sound of this many of the class, mainly being girls, squirmed in their seats at the thought of getting a talk from this mad old man on the subject of sex. Others in the class, a small majority of geeky looking boys immediately saw the comedy value of the events to come and began bobbing in excitement like giddy little puppies.

“Well there’s a slideshow prepared for you today but it is, well, it’s shit so we’ll be doing this lesson impromptu.” All the class recoil at the sound of this teacher swearing so casually. “For the gentlemen in the class I can only give you three pieces of advice which are. One, always carry a condom; you’d be surprised how often in life you will walking along one day then you are propositioned for sex, what do you do if you don’t have a condom well you’re fucked aren’t you? Well, not literally you’ll need a condom for that.” Everybody stared in amazement at this wonderful teacher who had somehow got a job at their strictly catholic college.

Mr Benway coughed to clear his throat before continuing, “Number two, never ask the girl’s age before sex. If you are unsure fuck them and avoid them in future. You absolutely don’t want to ruin the mood or you will end up like the young man before, screaming like a bitch and covered in blood.” The class burst out laughing at this but Mr Benway’s expression was solemn and without humour.

“Number three and this is the most important, fuck a lot of women. Don’t get tied down. You don’t want to reach my age when you are lucky to get an erection on a day when your arthritis isn’t killing your wrist and have to look back on years when you were stuck fucking the same frigid bitch that didn’t have the decency to die when you could still get some.” This final comment silenced the class; they looked about at each other with elated grins, nobody saying a word.

Confident that his speech had done it’s purpose Mr Benway sat down at his desk, slouching in his office chair. He fished about in the inside pocket of jacket that was donning the back of his chair. He pulled out a gold Zippo lighter and a pack of cigarette; he lit up and began smoking to his success. This casual facade was interrupted as he began a fit of sharp hacking coughs that left him hunched up over the desk, desperately wheezing for air.

After this he sat back again to meet a class full of horrified students, “Ah” he said, “I almost forgot, Ladies two things. Don’t make him wait for sex; seriously what are you trying to prove? And don’t try and cuddle after, he’s tired let him sleep.” After this comment Mr Benway leaned back in his chair and began staring at the ceiling leaving the students to their own devices.