Quirillian Pt2

Part 2 of 4



My announcement did not console Helre but we hefted the guards up in a somewhat sleeping position to wait out the candidate.  It wasn’t long before the door opened and three clad in armor came in.

“Fools!” one boxed the guards on their ears.  “Asleep on your watch?  Want to wake up warm and aflame?”

Startled the two guards stood up and then gaped at us.  “Wasn’t our fault it was them…”

Three stern and well-weathered faces glared our direction.  Fear squirmed behind their eyes to behold me.

“What is this?” the ear-boxer growled.  “Trying to free your kindred?  Does your mask hide your disfigured flesh or just a face that does not want to be recalled?”

Thinking about that, I pulled the chusse aside.  The question settled in silence for the moment I continued.  “We are Quir seeking our own, but the witch is not one of them.”

“Then what are you doing here?” he roared.  “You knocked out my guards, for what purpose?”

“I did that.” Helre admitted then glanced earnestly at her victims.  “I do apologize..”

“This is a circus!” he groaned.  “First meddling wizards and now this!  Leve put these girls in bonds while we go fetch another cage…”

Leve reached for my arm and I swung the staff dull-side and knocked his arm aside.  “Next time you will lose it.”

“Ah.. Hemmin sir?” the lad backed away.  “Seeing as we have to go fetch that cage let’s just…”

“For a brass key, must I do everything..” he snatched out an arm and the quiril flashed. 

This time I caught his arm.  “Perhaps we should discuss this in private?” it took him a moment but he realized the words had not come from my lips.

“What are you?” his eyes narrowed on me with distrust.

-Brilliant!-  Helre projected her thoughts to the both of us.  -In a town raving mad to burn witches you mind speak with them!- 

“My name is Darcmad.” I whispered it.  “The Quir I came for is you.”

Hemmin ground his teeth and glared into my eyes.  “Get out.” he hissed it.  “Escort them to the gates and throw them out.  If they try to get back in kill them.”

The offer unmade dissolved.  The quiril darkened and I knew the small opportunity had faded.  To the edge of the city we were taken and roughly put out.  Frustrated, I kicked the ground and roared in anger.

“Well, fancy meeting you here.” I cringed at the sound of the old wizard’s voice.

Both wizards stared at me and I cursed missing the opportunity to redress the chusse.  Barefaced they saw me and I shook before roaring again.  In Quir there are no true curses, so I did so in plain tongue so loudly and fervently that ears pinked within earshot.  Then I settled my chusse and stomped away.  The two of them hurriedly gathered their gear and settled in behind us some distance.  Helre was quite amused.

“You know, I don’t think I recall a single time you’ve ever lost your temper so colorfully.” she teased me.

“I lost my edge over them.” I spat.

Glancing back she smiled at me.  “No I think you just gained a different edge.”

I took a long time in answering.  “I’m no good with that edge.”

“Lucky for us, they don’t know that.” she smirked.  “Is that what has bothered you about them?”

“No.” I replied.  “I don’t want to have to fight them.  I don’t want to answer anymore of their questions.  They don’t know what they are asking and they don’t believe the answers…”

“And?”

“And nothing…” I countered.

Quietly she walked a few more steps.  “Really old one I am surprised at you.  You should know better to think you can keep anything from me..”

“It was working.”

“Yes, but the more I am of myself the less chance you have of misleading me.” she reminded me.

I knew this too well.  Too long had we shared thoughts and actions, beds and blood not to know one another from the inside out.  Within I longed for some miraculous reconciliation between us that I could handle.  To the core of me I adored this Helre and the others, wished it to be simpler and basic.  She let me have my quiet walk but I knew it would not last long.

“Why didn’t you…” Anast started in his usual disjointed way.  “I mean why play me along like that as if you couldn’t speak.”

“How and why we present ourselves is not for you to question.” the answer given seemed to hold less strength. 

“Because you wouldn’t fear a woman.” Phedemas answered too cleanly for my liking.  “They work on fear.”

“Darcmad…” Helre sighed when I would not answer.

“No, I lust on blood, there is a difference.” disgruntled I took a bit of leaven and smudged some berries across it like jam.  “As a challenge you seem lacking, and I don’t make it a point to bleed anything inept unless I have to.  It kept you at bay.”

Of course this answer soured them.  Neither of them cared for the implication that they would try their advantage over a woman.  Helre gave me that look, one I knew came from exasperation.  But at this late date I had become quite good at pushing off unwanted attentions.  And yes, I did love their fear of me.

“Tell me what business brought you to Thendrey Mills?  Did you find what you sought there?” Phedemas drilled into me with his eyes, but behind my chusse I pretended ignorance.

“Yes.” Helre spoke with uneasy eyes to me.

“And onward you go?  Do you ever require rest?”

To this I stood up, stretched and set my staff in the ground.  Helre smiled and drew out a sharp saber.

“Where did you get that?” I mused thoughtfully.

“Oh this?” she turned it over so the light caught of the edge.  “They had a huge pile of them just inside the city gates, seeing as they didn’t need them and wouldn’t miss one I foraged it.”

“Good weight?”

“Better gather your staff old one…” she grinned and came at me hard.  The spar went quite well considering her newness to the blade.  Muscles never put to this test drew tight as she addressed and redressed the accumulated consciousness with herself.  I reveled to teach her and test her.  Nary a second word did I have to give.  She is a fast learner.

The ways ahead twisted between settlements and over distances I had not imagined.  This fourth candidate took me well out of the known regions and into the wilderness.  So long had we traveled without a hint of civilization it came as a surprise to hear the familiar clang of metal on metal.

We scouted ahead leaving the mages to sit in safety but they did not like it.

“What is it?” I asked after the tents and the resounding noises from within.

“Markings, wolf head markings…” she mused.  “I would guess it an armory.”

The reason of it lost on the both of us we picked about discovering a war lay in our path.  The quiril voiced the way through this battleground and I thrilled to have it on bloody terms.

“Febree Wolf..” the younger mage informed us when we reported back.  “They’ve been warring with the Albreit clans for three generations.  One campaign bloodier than the last.”

The idea thrilled me completely.  Even whistling I packed up camp ready to be on through this blood fest. 

“You don’t understand!” Anast growled.  “Maybe through night we could slip around the battlefield, but by daylight it is impossible.”

“You have never seen a Quir fight.” I replied.  “You may take the time to slip around the fighting if you wish, I however welcome it.”

Stunned, Anast stared at me as I closed the chusse.  “No, I will go with you if only to save you from your stupidity.”

I snapped, spun on him with the akay high, everything froze in the camp.  “Protect yourself if you do, we can’t afford the effort.  Unlike me, the way we go is littered with those who will kill you whether you fight back or not.”

Phedemas resigned to stay behind, to overlook our travel and catch up later.  I realized his only concern lay in the young one.  Headstrong and foolish, Anast would take chances the elder and wiser knew better to pursue.

The madness on the field seethed as fresh and tired warriors met, slaughtered, died and shifted.  By the glow of the quiril I chose my path, its voice louder as we joined the warriors in fight.  Uncertain, inopportune, I guessed that within the mess stood the candidate.  Not far from it at the very least.  Men with wolf heads rose against us and we cut through them.  Blood splashed my face and body, I ravaged my way killing any that stood in our path regardless of decoration.  Heavy with blood soaked clothes I found a knot of battle with the quiril singing in my head.

“The candidate is here…” I caught Helre’s arm.

“Here?” she groaned.  “How can we tell with these animals so thick?”

I eyed Anast.  “He cannot see…”

“It’s too late for that…” she rolled her eyes, caught sight of an advancing threat and went to head him off.  “Find the one… I will hold your back.”

Walking in the light as a specter of death I touched the first one, nothing.  He spun and sprang on me.  Blood splattered fresh on my lips, I drew close to another.  In this manner the knot of melee soon dispersed leaving but one battered behind.

Blood and wounds wrote across his flesh, the epitaph of many campaigns.  My head swam as we stared across the ground at each other.  Not knowing me, not certain as to why I had freed him from the tangle of attackers he only gawked.  I could not read his crest for any side of this war.

“What are you?” he roared it over the cries carried on the air.

“I have come for you with an offer.” I stepped a bit nearer and lowered the bloody chusse. 

“I will not switch sides, I cannot be bought!  My honor lays with Albreit.” his answer given he prepared to fight me.

“It is not of Albreit nor wolf that this offer is made.  It is made of my people, made of a power older than clan or king, longer than time or death, stronger than honor or truth.  There will be battles, but not battles of weak kings without the strength to set aside their squabbles for land or power.  You will not follow into a war for the petty issues of state.  You will never know weakness, futility, never claim pain again.  The spirit within you will carry to the end of time all that you are.”

Quieted the warrior showed interest.  “I have gone long without a reason to live, yet I survive one bloody day to the next.  There is nothing here for me but days continuing on as this one.  I do not want to endure..”

“But endure you will though not alone.  You will never be alone.  What hurts you carry within will be soothed.  Among all these, it was you chosen for candidate to our offer, there is reason in it.”

An offender raced upon us then fell over asleep.  I glanced at Anast and he nodded before returning his attention to others.  The warrior tilted his head and frowned.  “My wife is dead, my sons are dead, there is nothing I fight for but their revenge.”

Frustrated I fought with my words.  “Would you see me beg you to take the offer?  To end in this world and never know another?  Come to those who await you, within our ways lay more glorious mysteries than you can comprehend.”

“A home?” he asked it with an ache I understood deep within myself. 

Homeless and discarded, I had feared these things once in a cottage with a dying woman.  “A home, a people to companion you, suffering will not be the weight it is now.  But there is one condition…” I saw the longing in his eyes fade.  “Your soul will not be reborn in this world, it will continue to the end of time.”

“I do not believe in such nonsense as reborn spirits…” he scowled as he went to knees.  “Take me woman as I have nothing else but myself to give.  Now I would beg.”

I opened his shirt and pressed his head back to see the sky.  Like before I measured the distance with my finger and felt the quiril change in my hands.  Acceptance, that is what would bring success.  The quiril came swift, found the heart and pierced deep.  With one shuddering breath he collapsed.  Then instantly he sprang up on his feet with eyes wide.

Gasping and spinning he roared before laughter broke through.  Catching up his sword he raced into battle killing in bloodlust without concern to friend or foe.  In horror I watched as he took blood in recompense for his life as a part of me jealousy languished to have such a thrill myself.

Clearing out thirty souls he spun round and looked at me.  “I’d say you’ve gone soft old Darcmad, but then you always were weak.” Spitting on the ground he passed me by.  “To blood!” he shouted and I had no choice but to cut my way back through the animals behind him. 

I did however catch the glint in Helre’s eyes, and between them all I read the fear easily.  Rokemar!  Of any soul I thought lay in my quirils I judged that last.  My hatred boiled deep in the veins as past Darcmads flowered into rage.  My rival had been among the quirils and I wished I had not tried so hard to convince this one.

“Venturing a guess…” Anast gave his remark far too casual.  “this isn’t a good thing?”

“No.” Helre whispered.  “It isn’t.”

“What was that?  The flash of light on the field?” testing his chances he asked her.

“He chose.” I replied.  Perhaps now I would require the aid of mages more than I thought.  And still yet, the next quiril gleamed, perhaps more so.

“Where is he?” I grabbed Rokemar and spun him around. 

“He?” he grinned.  “Oh the candidate.. he’s here, quite a nice one you found me.  Much better than your own, I must say, but if you were worthy of it..”

“Shut up!” Helre snapped.

“Ah and sweet Helre, my what a riddle you’re in now.” he grinned.  “Don’t worry, I’m sure you and I can come to some arrangement.”

“What is going on?” Anast broke in.  “What have you done to him?”

“He chose.  This is of the quiril’s doing.” I snapped.

“Conspiring with mages?  Has it come to that?” Rokemar sighed rolling his eyes at me.  “And you deign to speak with them on Quir matters?  My, my, what an idiot you are!  You know you should kill them.  If you haven’t the strength I will.”

Anast gaped and I stepped in.  “The light that leads me suggested they are useful.  Seeing as how you’ve taken control of your candidate, I begin to see why.”

“I haven’t taken control of anything, including the candidate.” Rokemar smiled.  “This is the candidate’s wishes, and I have but acquiesced to them.  He is in no shape to manage the mere act of decisions, so for a time, he has retreated.  I am forced to act in his stead.”

“I do not believe you!”

Looking into my eyes Rokemar shrugged.  “It is true.. whether you believe it or not, and there is nothing you can do about it.”

Helre and I exchanged glances.  Rokemar tired of us and walked into the woods.

“I hate it when he’s right.” Helre hissed.

“That’s it?  You are going to do nothing?” Anast looked between us in shock.

“Until we learn otherwise, there is nothing we can do.” shrugging I followed the path cut by my rival.  “To act otherwise is against the Quir.”

“Maybe for you!” he snapped.  “You put this thing inside him and now it is.. it is..”

“He could be telling the truth.” I whispered.  “The candidate spoke of hopelessness, injuries none carry on the outside.  We must wait and find him out.”

“But Quir don’t lie…” Helre started.

“No..” I recalled my own slights with the indiscretion.  “But we can not exactly tell the truth either.”

“Perfect, flaming perfect!” Helre moaned and followed along behind me. 

Anast chose to bring up the rear.  I did not think well with all that had occurred, I feared for the consciousness of the candidate.  How strong held the one over the other?  How long before it would not be contained nor content to sit idly by as a puppet?  Things had turned very bad indeed.

I took some time to wash out my black robes and to think.  My lover, my enemy, could it be possibly worse?  If this was some test of the Quirilian I would surely fail.  I ran my finger over the sharp spear of the akay feeling the metal bite and the itch as the cut healed.  Reason?  What reason lay in this?

“Darcmad..” Anast leaned around a tree.

Saying nothing I leaned down washing the blood from my face.  This should be a time of rejoicing.  Helre had tasted blood this day for the first of times.  I sighed softly feeling badly for forgetting that. 

“What I saw, what happened, what is still happening…” Anast stumbled through his words.  “Who is this Rokemar?”

Quietly I set aside the akay.  “He is my rival, you would name the wordage enemy but between Quir it doesn’t exactly fit.” I laughed lightly.  “It feels the same though.”

“I don’t understand.” he whispered it.

“No one should understand unless they are an accepted candidate.” I replied.  “What you know now you should die for the knowledge.  I cannot tell you anything that would make your comprehension easier.  If I do I will have to kill you for it.”

“If I tell Phedemas what I saw…” he started.  “Do you want to kill us?  Is that what this is?  We get to know something and you get to kill us?”

Scowling I wrung out my robes.  “I could have killed you at any time.  There stands nothing to prevent that.”

Stepping to the edge of the water he groaned aloud.  “What I really wanted to ask is if it is your wish to kill me.”

“You are beneath me in battle.” I finished with my laundry and stood.  “There is no honor in speeding a soul to depart without reason.”

The quiet shadows within me seemed to depart as I stood there, not exactly alone but surely left on my own.  A bit frightened at their absence I looked around for their reason to depart and found nothing.

“It isn’t what I meant..” Anast’s fingers stroked my face and I pulled back in surprise.

“What…?” uncertain I looked for some sanctuary.  “Don’t do that.”

“Is it forbidden?” a pain ringed his eyes in darkness and I felt like a trapped rabbit.  “Do your kind know anything beyond their caverns and studies, is there desire within you?”

Shocked I stepped back and slipped in the water.  “Damn.” the chill of it soaking through my only dry clothing.

He offered me a hand up and I took it on the slippery rocks.  All of this trouble for a worn pair of boots?  Darcmad humor at my expense rose and fell.

“I would have you, if you were willing.” very serious he stared into my eyes.

“Well I am soaked now..” I clumsily avoided an answer.  “Cold..” I muttered.

Anast leaned in to kiss me and I nearly fell back into the water.

“Don’t…” I groaned.  “Just don’t.  I…”

“You can’t lie, you feel it too or else you’d say so.” he smiled.

“Mages.. suffer me mages!” I swore aloud.  “You do not understand.”

“Let me understand.” he breathed it hard next to my ear.

“I am not what you think I am.” I retorted, slipping by him.  “It isn’t as easy as that.  I don’t know…”

“So what are you?” he asked it.  “You look as I think are, you sound as I think you are, I smell you on the air.. a taste…”

“I can’t manage..” I whispered it in fear.

“I can.” Anast caught me up in his arms and brushed his lips to mine.  Fire stronger than any battlelust flamed within me.

Tearing away I fled.  Shame coursed through me as I raced carrying a wet robe in the gathering dark.  Helre, my heart ached.  To know one love across ages and to have her again at last, this felt of betrayal.  Betrayal on her blooding day!  To all of my days I would yearn for her as I had done Darcmad after Darcmad.  If alone I would spend this life because of my gender then I would resign myself to it with dignity.  How miserable I am to be alone amidst a sea of Darcmads, solely different from them and completely the same.

But I was fleeing and my honor would not have that.  With determination I squared my shoulders and knocked my silly fears.  I had one candidate to lead home, another to lead back into his own mind and still yet two to find.  There stood no escape from my quest, nor the parties involved within it.  Yet inside I had liked Anast’s attention, reveled in it and secretly desired it from our first meeting.  That remained my worst betrayal yet.

We camped early and I bedded down quick.  Helre took up her place at my side but I read the worries in her eyes.  The strain and disappointment of this day had sapped my will.  To be alone in my hovel of darkness with nothing more than rituals to steal away my time.  Eleven ages and still I had no wisdom in me.

Rokemar said little, he did not have to speak his hatred glowed in his eyes.  Only Helre managed to attain a civil attitude from him, and this inflamed me with jealousy.  We passed from night to day, day to night following the quiril toward the next challenge.  I had ceased thinking of candidates for in truth they had been more than that.  My embarrassment flamed constantly thinking upon how I had nearly begged of Rokemar.  But he hadn’t been Rokemar just yet, and the goal had been attainment.  Still, it hardly seemed worth it.

Inwardly I began to question my chances of success.  What worse things lay ahead in my search?  What enemies may I recall again into being that would surely band together to cut my throat in sleep.  The mages were at risk now.  Anast’s eyes caught on me far too often, and the elder… by the amassing blaze of ire in his eyes he saw this as well. 

The battlefield seemed but a dream of distance behind us as we walked.  The quiril led the way and I pushed on hard.  My wish to be that the mages would fall steadily behind and be less to worry about.  They managed to come along and my dashed hopes to keep them at bay vanished.

“This pace is…” Helre frowned at her blistered feet.  “finishing me.  What I wouldn’t do for a decent pair of walking boots.”

“I remember thinking something like that..” I glanced at the mages. 

“I’m not convinced of you.” the old man snapped. 

“Not that I could convince you of anything, old man.” I bit back.  “That orb in the sky, tis the moon for now but soon enough shall follow the sun.”

“Bickering does not help.” Anast had listened to this snit and prattle for weeks now.  “Can you tell us nothing…”

Closing my eyes in thought I then looked around the fire falling last on Rokemar glowering. 

“I could quiet you both…” he sneered at me.

“Eleven ages I am, tired long years in darkness…” I sighed.  “I have forgotten my own history, you ask of another?  I know this one you speak of.  I tell you the same as I would of any chosen for Quir:  they are wholly and completely immersed in that world and give little thought to this one.  You may argue until the end of existence, but regardless of your beliefs a happiness and wholeness becomes our lives once chosen.”

“Never.”

“As I said before I can convince you of nothing.” Standing up I left the fire to stand on the edge of darkness.  I could tell him words that would convince him, but I had no desire to reveal anything more than I had.  Secretly, I began to realize I wanted him to suffer and this un-Quir vice surprised me. 

“Ahead of us is a challenge that I may not be able to face.” I cringed to admit it.  “Come with me, help me to reach these candidates and I will tell you more.”

Plucking up a thin twig I began peeling it hearing only silence from the fire.  “It may not be what you wish to hear or indeed what I wish to say, but it seems that it is the only way.”

“What do you know that you refuse to tell me?” Phedemas scowled.

“Something..” a wry smile crossed my face.  “Even you could not nay-say.”

Thoughtfully silent, the old man stared at me curiously.  Even Anast’s eyes burned inquisitively.  “So be it.” Phedemas agreed.

Rokemar stood.  “I cannot allow this.” he glared and took up his sword.  “I will kill you before I let you reveal our secrets.”

Before I could argue he lunged at me.  The akay, set to the side of the fire stood out of my reach.  The attack left me no choice but to struggle defensively losing ground.  Into the forest he pushed me, slashing and cursing with fury.  Hatred so old inside his mind he thought only of putting me to death.  One slice after another missing and cutting through the air, Rokemar may be old but this body was not.  Preparedness had not come, nor strength, nor useful acquaintance.  If he had expected a warrior’s well-training and hardness to overcome those obstacles he would soon realize differently.  I jumped from his every reach, giving over ground before circling back to our meager fire.  One final dash had the akay in my grasp.  I turned on him.

A thousand lives of hatred in me followed suit to claim his blood.  It would be easy, the body stood weakened by the struggle.  Blade met blade, every strike of Rokemar thrown back.  Eleven ages without wisdom seemed a small thing in trade for just as long for brawn.  I fought back, my rage ignited in each slap.  Though voices within me rose to kill, I ached to beat him down first.  This time I took no killing stroke.  I pushed him around our campsite watching fear creep into his eyes.  Mistake after mistake I toyed with him until he tripped.  Then I rushed to put the spear through his guts.

A flash of light blinded me and I was thrown back.  I shook, howled in fury and regained my footing.

“Darcmad, stop this.” Helre was on me, throwing me back to the ground.  “The wizard is right, you cannot kill him, he is not who he is.”

It took a moment, but I ceased struggling.  Rokemar was collapsed, breathing hard and staring at me.  Stunned, but also something more.  I pushed Helre off me and went at him. 

“I’ll blast you again..” Anast promised.

“Here..” I gave the akay to Helre.  “Get out of my way.” This time I pushed the wizard back and took a long look at this new Rokemar. 

Half ready to raise up and flee, he collapsed when he saw I was not set to kill him this time.  “Do you give him power over you or does he take it?”

“I gave it..” he breathed.  “I was lost within myself, within my grief, but I could not allow him…” staring away he trembled and covered his ears.  “It wasn’t right and we knew it… but you can’t tell the old man…”

“I know that!” I gaped at him and sighed.  “You take me for a fool if you thought I would reveal secrets of Quir to sunlanders!”

“But you said…”

“Yes, I know what I said:  what I would tell him would be nothing of Quir.” I growled at him.  “But it will convince him.”

Rokemar stared at me in his newness and I knew turmoil burned within as ageless voices screamed against me.  “I will…” His voice unclear and confused faded off.

“You cannot hide yourself within the quiril, it is your life, not theirs.  They know this and it should have never been allowed in the first place.” I touched his mind to tell him this and felt them recoil from me.  “It is wrong and I will kill them for it, should even your life be forfeit as well.”

Frightened he stared at me as I stood up and walked off.  Rokemar had gone too far, stealing the consciousness of the candidate should never have been allowed.  Nothing could be gained as long as the life did not find its own connections to those before.  It was a long slow process, one not even I had completed.

“Darcmad..” Helre reached to touch my arm.

Enclosing her in embrace for a moment I smiled.  “Thank you for your wisdom.” 

Then I left them all to find some peace in the shadows.  In my paths lay my own tortures, private agonies and loneliness.  To catch a moment in the moonlight where I might reach to find some sanity.  Two candidates of blood and two wizards, I feared the road ahead.  What soul in underearth would mourn for Darcmad should I fall?  I could not name more than mere acquaintances that were more my quiril’s than mine own.

In the hush with dapple dancing moonlight broken by the trees I felt a current in my body.  Even the consolations of the others in my mind hushed straining to hear one above the others.  Darcmad reached out and clutched to my soul with such strength I fell to my knees.  The whirling of memories seemed fractured in my mind at the tentative brush of awareness.  Dizzy, I realized my error in surprise and remembered to breathe.  Clinging to me like a weary warrior, that old one pierced into my mind with wild gibberish.  Uncertain I queried further only to find the spirit waning.  The accusation had been made, cold and honest, and it unsettled my heart.

Darcmad had chosen to speak, and his jumbled journey of madness did relate one thing.  I was no better than Rokemar for as a candidate I had assimilated the consciousness within me but without offering anything of myself.  Shaking, I knelt in the wood listening to silence and wishing to hear more than the scrape of leaves.  There could be no mistake, Darcmad had come to me and found me unworthy.  No horror would match that.



By the time I gave up my vigil for the old one and returned to camp I found everyone asleep.  Setting a trace web with newfound difficulty  I turned in as well.  The quiet a reminder that for now the collectives had left me on my own.  Unworthy, the affront stole into my every thought.

Upon the morning the quiril continued to show the way and I followed.  My nakedness preoccupied my thoughts as I walked in a silence I had not known in my life.  Abandoned by those of the quiril I would be forced to draw on what I did know, simple tasks and tricks, things I could recall easily before became sluggish in my mind.

My indecisiveness wore upon nerves as I seemed too intent upon even the smallest of things.  Even simple detection talents took twice the energy than they once had.  My two candidates worriedly exchanged glances and I felt they conspired in more ways than one.

-What is it old one?- Helre pushed at my thoughts suddenly as I was changing direction around a chasm I normally would have known was there.

“Please, don’t ask.” I replied aloud, afraid the delay in my thoughts would give my weakness away.

This caused all four of them discomfort.  But Helre would not be pushed aside instead she dragged me aside in the sunlight.

“Something…” her eyes searched mine with real concern.  “What’s changed?”

“Do not ask me of it…” my eyes drifted back to our three male companions.

“We camp here…” Helre shouted.  “You come with me.”

And there I stood in all my ineptitude letting a candidate give orders.  Several moments parted from the others Helre demanded her answers.

“I am alone.” I choked the words out.

“It seems that way, but I am still on your side.  I always will be.”

“No.” I stared at her hard.  “Inside my head I am alone.”

Visibly she paled.  “That is not possible…”

“Obviously it is.” now it was I to mourn for myself.  “Darcmad took them away.  My worthiness is in question.”

Shaking her head she touched my cheek with her fingers and sighed.  “I do not understand my love, and sorely I wish to.” kissing my cheek she held me and I sighed.

“I was made Quir young, I have nothing to offer them.” quietly I sobbed into her shoulder.  “My being Darcmad is useless so they have abandoned me.”

“They cannot abandon you.” pulling me back she stared into my eyes and shook me by the shoulders.  “The quiril chose you it was not a wrong choice.  They are there within you, only..”

“Only?”

“Helre claims that you must live.” she frowned quizzically.  “Darcmad you are the culmination of all Darcmad before you, but when you go you will have no legacy within the quiril.  There will be no essence of you that is not mostly some other and you make yourself unnecessary to them.  Your life and its experiences add nothing more to what the quiril already holds.”

“But how…” I gulped.  “How do I gain them back?”

“I can’t answer that.” she sighed.  “But you must lead us even if it is alone.  You must live without them and find out who this Darcmad is.”

Quietly she held my hand appealing to me with her eyes.  I couldn’t shake the sneaking suspicion that if I would have been born a man this would not be happening. 

“Are you coming back or are you going to wallow in your despair?” she scowled at me. 

A smile wrote my mouth.  Helre always knew me best this one perhaps better than most.  “I should like to despair, but I think I shall live for this moment.”

For the next days we spent our time circumventing the chasm and after that crossing a swollen stream.  I tried not to become frustrated, but being so ill-used to mishap I learned to swear more eloquently.  Rokemar, sometimes present in the candidate was quick to smile before put away.  My expenses caused him alone much mirth and the rest of us annoyance.

“What would you do?” I spat at him.

Surprised to have me turn on him, the new soul looked away.  New-born and uncertain he’d been taking the advice of the elder without much thought.  Glaring, I turned my attention back on the annoyance of simple travel.

“Fight me.” Rokemar stood up suddenly a look of rage on his face.  “Let us end this right here.”

Helre started to argue before suddenly closing her mouth to act as if she’d heard nothing at all.

I smarted, my pride dashed, I gathered up the akay reluctantly.

“Now wait just a moment…” Anast started.

“Shut up wizard, this does not involve you.” Rokemar growled hotly retrieving Helre’s saber.  “Quir matters are not for slow minds.”

“You can’t just let him…” Anast appealed to Helre.

“He’s right.” she frowned.  “This doesn’t concern us.”

The wizards argued, but neither I nor Rokemar gave them a thought.  We struck out to kill each other.  So violently did we crash into each other that we were knocked to the side.  Rokemar gaped as I regained my awkward footing.  This time there would be an equalization to our struggle for as he was newborn, I was newly alone.  Hacking at each other we grazed skin, slight cuts that healed momentarily.  Defensively I held the upper hand, but on the attack the devil had me bested.  Over and over we clashed blades and bodies, each time cut or bruised.  I languished to kill him and he fought with hunger in his eyes.  Each of us outmatched the other until so weakened we barely stood.

On our knees we took our battle from blade to eyes, glaring each other down until we finally collapsed.  An icy blast of water on my face I jumped up and cursed.

Rokemar did not push me for more that night, and so sore with me neither the next day.  Yet push he did when he got the chance, and I realized it wasn’t my head he wished to claim, just my tutelage.  This in itself shocked me to the foundations of my beliefs.  A Rokemar wanting to study under a Darcmad?  Surely because there stood no other and a wish to kill me in contest if the opportunity present itself.



“Darcmad?” Anast was looking for me as I was trying to think up some deliciously new thought that might possibly be a legacy to the others. 

“Go away.” I said it as I lay on a sand bar watching the clouds overhead.

“Devil it all, Helre sent me to ask you…” he started.

“Tell her I am seeking counsel, she will understand.” I replied trying to open up my mind to the ridiculous clouds and the tyrant Darcmad.

“What are you doing?” the splash of his feet in the water announced his disregard of my previous request.  “Okay, what are you trying to do?”

“I’m not sure, but I was close before you interrupted.” groaning I closed my aching eyes.

“You shouldn’t play with power without knowing what it is.” he scowled.  “You could hurt yourself, or someone else or upset the balance of nature.”

“What do you mean?” confused I peered up at him under low lids.

Sobered, he sat down on the sand bar and picked a pebble from the stream.  “I’ve been noticing a disruption in the natural flow of things.. a strange pulling.  Looks like I’ve found the culprit responsible.”

Again I repeated my question.

“You are drawing strength into yourself, but it is wasted because you don’t know how to do anything with it.  You’ve good magic in you.” he grinned.  “Mage craft is not easily come by and here you are drawing on a power leaving puddles of it all over the place.”

“Puddles?”

“When you open up and reach for that power you are pulling and amassing it, but without knowledge you have no bucket so it is just left there.  Sticky puddles all over the place, and when a trained mage walks into one its…” he sought a right description.  “very disturbing.”

Nodding along I had no idea what he meant at all.

“I’m in it right now.” he whispered.  “It makes me want to itch all over, like spiders walking my skin.  I want to squash them but they aren’t there.”

“Oh.”

“You’re horrifically strong with it.” he moved to scratch and then paused fighting it.  Watching me, his eyes were troubled.  “You’re not surprised, are you?”

“By spider sensations?  Very much so.  If I had known I was doing that..”

“But not surprised that you could do.” he didn’t miss a thought.  “Most mages are surprised to find they can bucket that power.”

“No, not really.” I mused.  “Perhaps all Quir can do it.”

“If that were so you’d be telling me otherwise.” he replied.  “Just, don’t do it without knowing what you are doing.”

“Can you teach me?” I asked suddenly.

Surprised, he watched my face suspecting it some trick.  “I can only teach my apprentice and it takes many seasons to learn even half of it.”

“But it could help..” desperate I sat up and stared into him.

“Don’t use it.” he dropped the pebble on the sand.  “It’s more than sensations, more than itchiness, it could really hurt someone.”

“Anast you don’t understand..”

“I do.” his face sharpened into a twisted smile.  “You leave enough of your pain and desperation in those puddles that even I can sense it.  But whatever has gone wrong, my training will not aid you.  I cannot start an apprentice who has no hope of finishing.  That is not our way.”

He’d turned it around on me and I looked away.  The same wall I raised against two wizards he now stacked against me.

“Do not mistake my inability in this matter to mean I do not wish to aid you.” he said it quietly as he stood up.  “I do wish it very much, just don’t leave any puddles for Phedemas to step in.  He might not take it as well as I.” 

“Anast…” jumping so quickly to my feet I nearly spilled over with dizziness.

Grabbing my arm, he watched as my eyes cleared.  “You’re unwell.” his eyes grazed worriedly over face.

“Can I trust you?” I asked it hard, knowing the obvious answer would be forthcoming regardless.

A seriousness stilled his face.  “I think so.”

I couldn’t help it, I laughed outright.  “I expected a much better assurance.”

“I don’t have it.” licking his lips his eyes skirted elsewhere.  “It remains to be seen what you are trusting me with.”

“I am not unwell, but I am hindered.” I chose my words carefully.  “In case you haven’t noticed.”

“Not at all.” he grinned at the delicate manner I put it.

“I need your help.” staring into his eyes I knew I would grovel if I had to.  “Help me just a little.”

“What is it you want me to do?”

I recognized the nervousness in his voice.  What I might ask he feared may also defy mage-right to possess.  “Search ahead, on travel.  Find me a path to go so we can avoid so many obstacles.  I need to move quickly and I cannot right now.”

Relieved at first, his eyes clouded.  “Are you in trouble Darcmad?”

“Since I’ve set foot from under earth I have been in trouble.” muttering I picked up a clot of sand and tossed it into the water.  “Just more lately.  Will you help me?”

A disturbed nod he gave me before he started to leave.  My resolve crumbled.  So long with the company of Darcmads I had begun to dread the silence.

“Anast?” my voice shook and I cringed.  Twisting round he only waited to hear what I had to say.  “Do you think you could, I mean unless they need you at camp.. I mean stay and talk, if you could.”

Surprise wore away to pleasure.  Anast kept my mind muddled with words until even I forgot the loneliness.  After that the travel rolled more easily under our feet.  When problems existed on the road, he would catch my attention and we would walk together discussing the best route to overcome it.  But even so, the way was long and arduous.



The scent of the sea washed my soul.  We traveled the high cliffs and dense woods to the light that seemed to point endlessly on.  The dampness clung on me, leaving me to pack the heavy cloth of my robes and roam about in Sunland wear. 

“How much farther?” Anast asked.

“I’m not sure..” over the weeks the quiril had danced and faded twice.  “I think the candidate is moving, I can’t be positive.”

One thing stood for certain, the longer it took to find one the less chance I had of the candidate choosing.  Helre had been by far the easiest to claim.  Now the silence inside my head held me back.

“Ahead lies a powerful river rushing hard to the cliffs and falling into the sea.  It will not be easy to cross with the rains.” as we walked he found a patch of earth and started scratching out what lay ahead.  “Maybe if we travel upstream.”

Squatting, I watched the drawing and bit my lip.  Another costly delay!  Just what more stood to bar me from attaining the next candidate.  “We could look for a narrow to bridge across.”

“That or a ferry.” my blank expression must have given my ignorance away.  “A line is run across the river and a boat rides the current but remains on the line to reach the other side.”

“Clever.” I thought about it a little. 

A smile began to work into his face and I realized how silly I must seem to him.  The grand amassing of knowledge completely lost to my reach, I was rather a far cry from world wise. 

“What?” he gaped at me.

I’d been staring again.  Embarrassed, I looked back down to the scratches.  “A ferry sounds good to me.  We don’t exactly have an axe to chop a bunch of trees down.”

Quietly surmising me, he didn’t scratch any more.  “Darcmad, tell me what it’s like to be you.”

Startled by the question I looked out over the dense foliage and thought hard on it.  Eloquence, a gift of my predecessors, it took me a moment to think about it.

“If you can’t tell me..” he started.

“I’m not good with words.” I blurted it out.  “It isn’t easy for me.”

Closing my eyes I shrugged.  “I’m a warrior, and I have spent most of my life becoming greater at that than any other thing.  Until now, I did not believe any other dedication would serve me as well.” Clear eyed I bit the inside of my mouth still not liking the admission.  “It isn’t the normal case that I should leave under earth for the sunlands.”

“So you’ve spent all your years learning to kill.”

“No, there is much to be done within the compounds of the dark.” I laughed loudly.  “Much to keep one busy at other things.  But yes, I spent all the time I could at improving the skill I covet.  You do not understand, but I feel I was born to be this.  I would rather fight once and die upon the sword than live forever without one.”