The Genius Chemist

I remember one break-time I called my dad on the mobile phone he’d bought for me for my birthday the week before. I had had a tummy upset and I needed him to collect me from school and then go to the Chemist’s to get some medicine for me. My teacher told me that there was a new Chemist that was opening in Meadowhill Shopping Centre that day and it was supposed to be really good. I passed that information on to my dad and that is where we headed.

When we arrived there it seemed a bit weird, especially the man behind the counter; he had uncombed hair ( a bit like that Bob Geldof) and a Tefal-shaped head.
‘What do you think you are doing?’ yelled Chemist Patrick Preston at us - that was his name I learnt and apparently we were his first ever customers to enter his newly opened Chemist in the Shopping Centre

‘How do you mean, what do I think I am doing?’ my dad raised his voice back at the man. ‘Does it not say outside ‘Chemist’?’.

‘Well, yes it is.’ replied the Chemist. ‘Then why are you yelling? I only want to buy some aspirins for my son’s upset stomach. Where else can I buy aspirins, if not in a Chemist?’

‘It is also written on the door who the owner is.’ said Chemist Preston patronisingly.
‘Why should I be interested who the owner is?’ snapped back my dad. ‘I need some aspirins and nothing else’.
‘You do not think that Chemist Preston sells headache tablets, cough medicine, flu mixtures or nappy rash creams do you?’
‘Well, if you do not sell those things in your shop, what do you sell?’ my dad questioned angrily.
‘Goodness me’ replied the Chemist in a more friendly way. ‘This is not a Chemist that sells remedies for those kinds of illnesses. This Chemist heals people’s minds and behavioural problems; we make bad people good.’

My dad was taken back by what the Chemist had said.

‘You mean you sell things that make nasty people kind, or negative people positive, or make sad people happy?’ he asked the Tefal man.
‘That’s right’ said the Chemist. At this moment the Chemist seemed to change his unfriendly attitude towards us. And for him I can believe that was something that never happened too often – he looked the real miserable type.

‘My good friend’ continued the Chemist in a rather formal tone. ‘Because you are my first ever customers in my new shop, today you can shop here free. So, what would you like?’
‘Well, to be honest’ said my dad excitedly. ‘I don’t quite understand what kind of medicine you sell and what they are for. I am kind of really hopeful but I can hardly dare tell you what my hopes are’.

‘Just tell me, take your time, do not hurry, you can have what you want,’ said the Chemist. My dad thought a while ‘Well, do you have anything that cures envy, or big-headedness, something that makes arrogant people less arrogant?’

The Chemist nodded and smiled and continued ‘I also have cures for greed, for meanness, for laziness, for anger, for people who are snobs. I have other medicines that make wicked people kind, lotions that make two-faced people become one-faced, and powder sachets that make liars stop telling fibs.

‘That’s brilliant Sir’, my dad joined in further. ‘Please excuse me for my earlier abrupt reactions, I did not mean to be rude. You are a genius; I just did not realise how much of a genius you really are. Someone who can really save people and turn them into good human beings. Maybe you can help me. You see, there are people I know who could really do with the cures that you have in your shop. My wife for example is lazy, conceited and argumentative’ (he was talking about my mum). ‘My dad is mean with his money and never stops moaning. My mum’ (that’s my nanna) ‘takes pleasure in other people’s misfortune and my brother’ (my uncle) ‘is a slob and very cynical. Can I have everything that you have got, some cream, some tablets, some capsules?’ The Chemist scratched his forehead again. ‘There’s a little problem’, he said.

‘I don’t mind, I’ll do anything, buy all that you have if it makes my wife, my dad, my mum, brother change their ways. I don’t mind if there’s a problem, we can solve it.’

‘Well, the thing is’, said the Chemist, ‘I can’t give the medicines to you. Each one of your family will have to come into the shop for their own medicines because otherwise the medicines won’t work.’

‘Are you sure? You are saying that each one of my paranoid family will have to visit your shop to get the necessary prescriptions?’
‘Yes, that’s what I mean,’ the Chemist nodded, hardly waiting for my dad to finish his question.

‘Well, you can’t expect’, said my dad grumpily.
‘What can’t I expect?’
‘That my wife will come into your shop and ask for a medicine to cure her conceited and argumentative ways’. ‘I will do my best to find her the best remedy. I don’t see why I can’t find her something to help’.
‘You know, she thinks she’s a good person, someone who’s considerate, humble and hard-working. She actually believes that it is me who is lazy, selfish and big-headed, but it isn’t true’.

‘I can get you anything, just ask if in doubt’ said the Chemist. ‘Anything, I’ll have it for you in a jiffy, and the cure will take effect straight away’.
‘You don’t think it’s true Sir that I’m selfish, that I’m argumentative? That’s ridiculous to think that’.

‘Well, you are a bit up-front, you seem to be arguing with me right now, and also when you first came into my shop’.

My dad retorted ‘Who? Me? Arguing? It was you who argued with me. Maybe you should prescribe some of your famous tablets for yourself to help you calm your argumentative tendencies?’

‘You’re a conceited, arrogant man’ shouted the Chemist. Get out of my shop, don’t come back otherwise I’ll call the police. Shoo off’.

My dad got really irritated and started yelling. After minutes of hurling verbal abuse at each other, throwing insults, my dad couldn’t calm down but decided it best we leave, slamming the door behind us.

Maybe he is right, thought the Chemist. Maybe I should take something to tackle my argumentative personality - something that will calm my anger and bitterness down. Or maybe not. Maybe my anger is a natural reaction to something I know is wrong and I want to correct it? I know I’m right, simple as that. It’d be a mistake to prescribe something to cure my honesty.

He decided not to take anything and instead waited in his shop for more customers. Everyone who came in wanted something to cure someone else’s psychological and attitude problems. Not one customer asked for something for themselves, just for others.

The Chemist thought to himself, ‘But what for? Do these people not have attitude problems as well? Do they not have faults of their own? Is it just others?

Slowly but surely the number of customers got fewer and fewer until no-one, who was envious, ill-mannered, greedy, selfish, with bad intentions, ever entered the shop again.

Before long the Chemist fell into financial problems – he wasn’t able to pay off his loan, business taxes and the rent to the Meadowhill Corporation. His tablets turned to dust, his capsules went all mouldy, his lotions began to go off, his creams went all hard. In his regret his became even more bitter and his business went bust. He moved out of Blackpool and there was a rumour he had been eaten by guerrillas in the Congo while searching for precious ingredients.  It was about this time that I had my first careers meeting where I was asked what job I would like. I knew my Dad and Mr Preston had their hearts’ in the right place but you didn’t need lotions and potions to make people nice. What you needed was a big subtle mirror. That is why I became a writer.