You will regret me

We all have baggage. Some of it stems from our parents and the rest from people we meet along the way. Let me unpack some of my baggage and you can be the judge or learn my lesson with me.

It was full of deceit and manipulation. Somehow love had found its tormented place somewhere in between the sheets. Making love, maybe it was just sex to him. One great summer and the rest...well it was ok.

He would not socialize with my friends and never introduced me to anybody beyond a room mate or two. Which I never thought was strange until I saw his myspace page. All of his friends were women, women who he seemed to have a history with. But I believed his alibis and ate what he served about why he was late or missed our date. I knew that he loved me, sometimes...I knew that he cared, sort of....I knew that I was at least his number one girl, right?

The suspicion crept in the window and my heart ached to know that all my love was not sung into deaf ears. Sometimes I could convince myself that he did. He really loves me or he would not have made dinner. He really does love me, he texted me back. Now that is love, he invited me to his basketball game and then we can watch a movie. The movie always turned into cuddling and cuddling into that dark act I wish I had never entered with him.

Needless to say we were on the path to our destruction. Or rather, I was on that path all alone. He had already left my side before it even began. And what he saw in those girls, he definitely did not see in me...Maybe I'm what he really wants deep down inside...Yes, I was out of my mind to believe that fabrication. But they were tall, curvy and white; sexy with a few obvious sluts mixed in. I was small, slender and brown; cute is a better descriptive word for me. BUT, there was always a reason to believe him and he always had a story to tell about falling asleep or being with the boys or something came up with his daughter. Sometimes they were the truth, but other times I knew it was a lie. Usually the lies were followed by an unaffectionate evening due to a mulititude of texts he would be sending to his mistresses. This was usually followed by almost robotic sex.

After all this the day finally came. The beginning of the end. My mind was usually suspicious, despite the fact that this was my first relationship, which displays how trustworthy he was or how much baggage I unknowingly carried my whole life. My mind was suspicious but I never looked for validation. I would usually just ask him and put my thoughts on the table. But this morning was different. I woke up and he was in the shower, so I went in the bathroom to say goodmorning. His cell was right there and with animal instinct I picked it up and flipped it open.

I was in for a surprise. Text messages were openned and I found nothing, victory! He wasn't doing anything, there was the evidence right? WRONG. An accidental scroll backwards instead of closing application revealed more than I wanted to know. Why were there so many messages to her? and why didn't any of them have a message? Click. OMG. My heart fell as I saw picture after picture with corresponding messages that made me want to throw up. I held my stomache together in order not to reveal that repulsive feeling to him, and I left.

My last words to him were, "you will regret this and you will never find somebody as good as me."

I laugh at the situation now and follow my instinct in relationships, but those words "you will regret this" have come back to me.

He said it to get a rise out of me, and it didn't work. I knew that I would never regret it and honestly we didn't know each other well enough to be saying things like that. But, to hear it from somebody else gave me a sense of what the original "he" had heard and felt when I said it. He would not regret it because he obviously never felt that strong of an attachment to me. He may have loved me but he always knew that I was not "the one," I was not his fate or destiny. I was never in the cards for him and he knew it from day one, just as I knew it for this new person who I was putting fresh bruises on.

I was never it for him, and I finally understood. I packed up my emotional baggage and left a few things behind.