The Jew who loved a Nazi

The Jew who loved a Nazi
Sam Calonkey
4-10 to 4-26-10

The year was 1944
In an urban apartment
Overlooking the street
Through a single barred window
There were people in that room
A mother and her son
They were fighting.
The boy was seventeen
And the war was coming
To and end. He
Wanted nothing more than
To do his bit.
I want my boy after the war
She said,

But I’ll be a guard!
There’s no harm in that
Why it’s the safest thing
A man can do
He explained,
But mama cut in
I want my boy
She choked, disgusted
Not the monster
That you’ll return!
He gasped.
They’re animals!
It’s all in the morals, Ma!
Animals need a cage,
It made sense, he thought.
They’re people, boy!
She continued through his glare
What about Isabella?
That girl to whom you proposed
She’s a Jew.
Does that make her an animal?
She cried.
Is that whom you love an animal?

He slapped her
With tears in his eyes
He couldn’t talk
Couldn’t bring himself to speak
So he ran.
He ran right out the door
And Mama fell to her knees
Damn the propaganda
To Hell with the Nazis
What have you done with my boy?

*          *          *

He arrived at the Recruitment Center
Some hours later
A lone man stood
Behind a desk
A pamphlet of papers in his hand
An icy glare in his eyes,
I’m here to join
Spoke I
I want into the Reich
Wanna do my part
Spoke I behind doleful eyes
He laughed.
What’s your age, boy>
Where’s your old man
To sign permission-

Left when I was a lad
He did not challenge me.
Your ma?
She’s dead, I spoke
To only myself, I whispered
To me.
He gave me some papers
Fell em’ out
Try an’ be accurate
And where you wanna go, boy?
What’ch ya wanna be?

A guard, spoke I
At Auswi - er Auschwitz
However you sat it,
It’s close and I wanna
Do my part.
Fair enough
Replied He, and then
Handed me a uniform
Dog tags and a gun -
I suited up and
He smiled, looking proud
A fine young lad you are.
I practically flew to
The train, they took me!
The man looked over his papers
Frowning at the final words
He spoke out loud to himself
The confusion apparent -
Mama tried?

Behind me lies a battlefield
Every one involved is scarred
And have died if but inside
Usurped my emotions
Turned me from your morals
You know, a man changed I am.

Please know my intentions are well
Really, I meant no harm
If only, a man is inclined to mistakes
Do you think this is the real me?
Everyone else seems to think so.

Look away, cast unto a blind eyes pair
Or accept me for what I am
Venom ebbs through mortally verbal wounds
Emptied the chalice of a fire forgotten.

I inquire, innocent if I will
Why the rumors, Third Reich
O’ why be you are that you are?

I dreamt a vivid dream that night
A dream that plagues me still
That merely consisted of
Me in Mama’s arms
Decorated for loyalty and excellence
But she ignored this.
Instead mama was
Shaking her head, tears in her eyes
As she whispered, a quiver to her lip
Where is my boy, Can?
Oh Abel, what have you done
What have you done with my boy?
I embraced her - albeit it a feign
And I turned to walk away
That’s what haunts me so-
The cold, sharp, nothingness in my eyes
Eviscerated by her words
‘Tis not how I raised ya, boy
It’s not how I raised ya -
But if a change is not to be
Promise me this, son, promise me this
… I woke up right about there
And it turned into a nightmare.

Smoke rose from a dozen chimneys
The air was acrid, full of filth
I gagged on my first breath
Only breathed when I could hold it no longer.

And then I heard the screaming -
Terrible, agonized screaming
Horrific, terrified screaming
Children, parents
Men and women
Whatever god and the devil himself
Drowned in the night
Suffocated under the pillows
Choked out the light,
Silenced the cacophony
Until all you heard was screaming -
I will never forget the screaming.

There was a lad beside me
I was actually older then this one.
He looked more shaken than me -
Pale and looked like he’d been crying
But hell, what do I know?
I probably was, too.
Thirty seconds in and I wanna quit -
He asked for a hand
And how could I say no?
I slipped my arm under his
And we swayed together
In our drunken lurch to the gate
Intoxicated on fear
And it only got worse.

When we walked through the gates
A.. Creature? Fell at our feet
Pale and gaunt
Looked like a stick with ribs
Bloodied gashes encircled its body
A white froth covered its mouth
And then I looked higher..
I saw a sight that haunts me still-
Bloodshot, terrified eyes
This terrible wreck was a human.
I didn’t hear him till it was too late -
Please! Don’t put this on my conscience to -
I really tried to stop him
I really tried to help him!
Please, my god please just make it stop -
I will never forget.
Never forget the lad younger than I
So sickened and terrified
He blew his brains out at my feet -
I’m crying now, please, look away..

A man in an ironed uniform
Chewing on a dim cigar
Whose eyes were cold as steel
Strode down the walk to me
Seemingly oblivious to the
World around us-
The stench
The darkness
The screaming.
He spat on the body in front of me
Muttering about “another one”,
He said, and I quote -
Hullo’, Son, and welcome to Auschwitz.
I think I passed out
And If I didn’t, well
It’s nothing I cold share, anyway.
Regardless, this part is blank
So I’ll tell you a story
I’m good at that.

You may remember from
A few pages back that
I told you my dad was gone.
But I ‘spose it’s a lie
To say that he left,
It was more like taken.
We were playing catch
He pitched in the minor leagues
I wasn’t half bad either - He told me we’d play together
Some day, it would all work out
Him pitching and me catching
And I studied hard
I was at each and
Every last game.
I learned
I learned that faces don’t matter
Everyone can have potential
Nothing sets any accolade
Truly unbalanced above the other -
Nothing is perfect.
Whether you run like a cheetah
Or swear like a sailor
Blonde hair and blue eyes
In between or not at all
That is what I learned
And such is my epiphany.

In fact, one of his games, you see
One of his games is where I met her.
A game had ran late, you see
Didn’t end till half past ten
Didn’t get out till eleven
Still had three miles walk home
I was scared of the dark
So I kept to the streets.
I’d noticed her a mile or so back
She was some thirty yards ahead
I was a half mile from home or so
That’s when it happened -
Three men appeared from nowhere
I swear; right out of the shadows
Jumped her ‘fore she’d gathered half a wit
Well, I could run to.
I was on them seconds later
Throwing punches and catching others
It all happened so fast
I can’t remember it all
Only feeling more caged
More claustrophobic then ever before.

It was over before it started
They thought I was the first
Of many rebellious thinkers
They fled twice as fast as I came.
My reward for such acts,
You may wonder - Well I’ll say
For lack of better words
A kick to where the sun don’t shine
And held at arms, knife to a finger
She said back, back you filthy animal!
‘Twas more then slightly confused.
Christ, woman.. Was just trying to help
I’ll leave you next time if you like..
She must have noticed I had no posse
Wasn’t dressed like a crook,
I don’t know but something clicked.
She started blushing really bad
And helped me up,
Muttering something I couldn’t hear.
She kissed my cheeks and
Partly fearful, partly bashful
She grinned, “Hi, my names Isabella.”
I walked her to my house
She’d been running away
Though wouldn’t yet tell me why
She seemed to have
Taken a liking to me
I couldn’t believe it,
I had plenty of people that
I craned my neck and looked at in respect
I kind of liked the thought,
Behind he who was being watched - Though the feeling was mutual
For reasons I didn’t yet know
And as the night bade farewell
To usher in the mornings gaze
I walked into my home
Said I’ve someone
I want you to meet -
Instead I got two sentences
One voice yelled accusingly
Where in god’s green Earth have you been?
And then my dad - the other voice - stepped out
And told me with a chuckle,
“Damn, boy, was hoping you’d
Wait till you were older..”
He never finished that sentence.
At the very moment
The door broke down
And those men came in
The men who ran like the wind
They had guns.
Come here, boy! They sneered
Yea, we’ve got candy, another snickered
As they lined up the revolver to my head
And my father stepped in.
Leave the lad, he whispered
He’s yet got all his life
With a wink, said he,
He’s even found a girl.
So if you must do away
And take the life of one
Then let that life be mine
And let there not be a word,
As he walked out the door
With a tear in his eye
He gave me his pitching glove
And whispered, “Now listen here, boy
Take good care of her for me.”
That was three years ago
And I haven’t seen him since
But that’s all I’ll say for now
Feeling so utterly alone
And hopelessly lost
Stick around and you might just learn
To hear the story I’m not telling.

Anyway, it is night now
And I am going to sleep
Through what I hope to be
A dreamless night -
For I fear that if I recall
The day all at once
It may turn into a night
Full of very vivid dreams
That will whisper their tales
Into my dozing ears forever.

The lad dreamt a dream that night
Though of the days events
Its memory was blank
Instead the maiden that came to him
Spoke the future to the boy
‘Twas the first of what could
Very well turn out to be many dates 
So bring your ballet shoes
For our young man took on a dance
Led on by boyish lusts
When all he wanted was
To feel loved
To feel meaningful
To feel human -
So many things deprived from him
In the which that he resides
Though the intentions don’t matter
For our boy has taken
A waltz with the devil
And such a dance, you see,
It may just last forever.

There was something at the door
Coming closer, closer
Ever so dreadfully closer
Garbed in a flowing dress
A veil covering its face
White gloves on the hands
Covering long, delicate  fingers.
He could see nothing of the girl
Couldn’t feel her ice cold breath
Couldn’t see her frozen eyes
Even as she sat at the foot
Of the bed unto which he’d resigned.
Who are you, I whispered
She gave me to silver coins
Why are you here, I inquired
She slid a hand down my face
From where do you reside, I shuddered
She undid my nightshirt
Leaning close as she placed
A single delicate hand
Over my heart, and unto
Her frozen fingers
It skipped a beat.
What is your name?
I may have whimpered
She spoke nothing
Did nothing
Silence. It seemed we remained like that
For hours upon hours
Until finally
She lifted up her veil
Placing the coins over my eyes
And I felt her lips touch mine
As I opened my eyes
As I opened my eyes to see the face
Of the fair maiden for that of whom
Tonight my eyes will dine.
Staring right back at me
Were holes where should
Be her wonderfully beautiful eyes,
Caves of darkness lay behind
No nose resides upon her face
Bloodied bandages were wrapped
From ear to ear
Her lips were sewn shut.
I shrieked, drawing my knife
Cutting through the neck of my demon
And it rolled away, though
Gave not a drop of blood
Silence and nothing more.
The body fell away
Clothes disintegrating
Cancer spots painted a body
Dried breasts sunk unto the mound
Legs home to not a muscle
Folded underneath
No hands lay under the gloves.
Just a corpse in her Sunday clothes
What are you! I moaned
And as to answer
From under a fold of flesh
The tattoo revealed a number
201827
Two silver coins in thy hand
From birth to a bitter death
Two souls who breathed no more
Restlessly tortured sevenfold.
I looked at the skull
And the words played in my mind
I am that they call
A bump in the night
Muffled screams for mercy
Damnation time and time again
Every soul with me will meet
A time of utmost intimacy
That will never be lived again
Here forth am I, Here forth art thou.
I shrieked, awoken in sweat
A bloodied knife in my hand
Etched into my brow
The number three
Seething with the words
Of a skull-faced maiden
Who could see the future
And to me spoke nothing.

I was shaken violently
I whimpered, cried
Begging the maiden to let me be
And then I was struck.
“I ain’t no maiden
You god damn maggot!
Get up, you missed the horn
And duty is your first
Whose impressions are
Oh so important.”
I walked out of the tent
In an obvious daze
Holding a hand to my brow
No number, no blood
Stained the tip of my knife
But the skull-faced maiden
Left an icy touch
Inscribed my heart
And never to disappear
That told the fortune
Of a maiden
Whose words that one
Can’t strain to hear
For to reveal the future
She speaks nothing.

There was a jingling in my pocket
As I walked out to death row
To watch the lines of people
Who bore terrified eyes
Inside of sleep deprived sockets
It was strangely quiet
So much that I could hear
My brain beating at its cage
My heart crawling to freedom
My ears bleeding at the sound
Of a thousand people marching
In utterly total silence.
So quiet that with every step I take
Click, click, click
Every last footfall
Click, click
Every moment -
Click.
I reached into my pocket
Only to withdraw
Two ice cold silver coins.

I was walking to the latrine
When a sight bestowed before my eyes
Jammed itself down my throat
And almost made me puke
There was a Nazi
Five, six years older than I
Walking an elderly Jew
Down the sidewalk to a chamber
Whispering into her ear
Not much longer, Ma’am
You can go to sleep in just a bit
Lighten your load, here I’ll hold that..
Why Don’t you take a shower?
And then he pushed her
Headfirst through the door
Laughing so hard he cried.
It was too much
Impossible for so much cruelty
Utter, sickening cruelty
To be within the capacity of man -
I sprinted to the door
Laid a bullet between his eyes
And in his finally moments
He stopped laughing
Yet the grin remained on his face.
I took his jacket
Opened the door and ran inside
Crying so hard I choked
As I saw the old woman
Standing there naked
Twisting a nozzle
Confused at why there was
No water coming out.
Get down! I cried
She backed away with a scream
As I jammed the coat
Into the nozzle of cyanide
On my knees hyperventilating
That was too close for comforts
I heard a sound
Click, click, click
Turned around, the old lady
Was creeping towards me
A high heeled shoe over her head
What are you doi-
Crack. The heel smashed through
My left eye
Blood everywhere
I was seeing two
Couldn’t hardly breath
More footsteps, click click
And two silver coins
Gloved in the eyes of my pursuer
A tall man in
An ironed uniform
Chewing on a dim cigar
He glared at me -
Looking back and forth
Between the clogged up
Passage of death
As he shot the lady
And left her to bleed.

He knelt down to me
Worry in his eyes
Compassionately whispered
“What happened, son?”
All I could get out
Through the fear
And the blood
Seeping into my mouth, was
“She’s.. A human.”
He glared at me, seething -
“And another one yet.”
The heel of his boot
Crashed against my forehead
And the world went dark
Except for two silver coins -
Click.

I saw many things
In the time that I was out
Though perhaps only one
Held any worth to a thought
To be truthful I could swear
That I had died -
I was staring at a tombstone
Though the name I couldn’t read
I heard crying -
With every ounce of strength
That I could muster I turned
And saw what looked to be
Nothing other then an angel -
But she was terribly wounded
Countless cuts and abrasions
Stained her skin blood red
Her canines were elongated
Feathers were missing
From folded wings -
I moved, click, click
She turned, apparently
Noticing me for first
And sighing, “You!
Why are you here?
What are you doing?
This is an odd place
For one oh so young
So innocent and scared
Tell me, child, tell me
What brings you here.”
So I told her
Tried to sit up-
Click click.
I remembered then, about
The ancient cost of death
Handed them to her
Who thrusted them back, sighing
“No, no, keep your fare”
With a tear in her eye
“It’s not fair for one so young to journey here,
It’s not your time, kid
I’m opening up the gates
Flee! Away! Hurry!”
As she kissed me on the forehead
Whispering so deathly soft
“As you descend the stairs
Have no second thoughts
Don’t stop at all or stare
For a man can never know
The passage or the rite
From there to here.”
Yet, regardless of what’s right,
About halfway down I stopped
Turned around and waved
To see a tear fall from her eye
It tears at my heart still
The emotion of the moment
That I turned my back and fled
From the one ally I’ve made here
Fled from my celestial fiend,
Kept running until I couldn’t hear
The sound of my heart
Trying to escape to freedom
Or my brain beating at its cage
Nothing but silence
And the horrible, terrible
Screaming.

It was a long path
There were lots of curves
Some of it was pleasant
Some was horrible
It got better when I learned
Not to look over the edge
For I was countless leagues
Above the screaming, terrible Earth
In this little world of mine
In the world of dreams
One false step
One cocky move
One wrong breath
Would send me tumbling over
To what may as well have been
A surface of jagged rocks below.

The end of this path set me
On the inner side of a
Very large tent, being
Scrutinized by an odd
Looking little man
Said his name was Josef Mengale
Was supposed to be a hospital
But it looked more like torture
A room full of human experiments
As he handed a scalpel
The words of a skull-faced maiden
Who spoke nothing to me
Whispered in my ear:
“Hello, my boy. I am the Angel of Death.”
Though my ears do me false
For Josef spoke not a word,
And I was sent on my way

Upon closer inspection
I looked different then before
I bore no swastika
No privates patch
Or my butter bars
No inscription on my arm
Reading Blitzkrieg
‘Twas as if I was nobody..
A Nazi no longer.

With a shrug I took my position
Ten feet leftwards
And two to the fore
In correlation to the gate
Watching go the passerby
Through this little store of ours
With but a product:
Death.
And we sold this
More like gave it away-
Indulged in this liquor of the mind
Drank it like it was free
But, alas,
It is never free.
And in our blindness
Hidden in a shroud of fear
High on ignorance
We served more than
Any one of our largest tankards
Tenfold could possibly hold
The product of our brewery
It was desensitized
Dehumanized
And that’s the catch:
Surely none of us were human?
Can one truly carry out
Their job of waitress
With a thousand tankards brimming
Spilling over the edge the
Liquor of emotion?
No. Ours were empty
The drinking lips were parched
Yet we share the result still
I threw my glass away
Its contents thoroughly drunk.

On the way to the latrine
To relieve myself
I saw the first in command-
Iron pressed uniform
Chewing on an unlit cigar
Eyes as cold as steel.
He saw me and
Broke the lonesome
Though friendly speech
Or casual laughs
Were not that which
So thoroughly impeached.
“What you doin’ here boy?”
He growled
Though gave me no breath
For which to respond
Instead he grabbed my collar
Threw me over the barbed fence
Followed by that hefty cigar
Hit me smack in the eye-
Good thing that is the one
With a rather recent patch.
“Stay the hell out of
The honorable’s quarters
You filthy dog.”
Said he on a turned foot
And for first did I realize
The true extent of
My uniforms nakedness
I was a Nazi no more
Finally; A Nazi no more.
Though I surely wasn’t a Jew-
Not that it mattered.
Just a beaten young lad
More then slightly blind
Who donned an eye patch
Not because he couldn’t see
But because he didn’t want to-
With that little piece of cloth
I blinded myself from
Half the evil in the world
A higher percent most others see.

I wandered for quite the time
People looked at me curiously
Others cautiously stared
Some insulted me
Yet some fled
And yet more ignored me
Though, one happened
A one I would never expect
But you know what they say:
If something can happen, it will.

“Stop!” a voice spoke from behind me
My whole body tensed
The voice was feminine
I sensed no hostility
But walking around in a Nazi uniform-
Well, it doesn’t exactly make you popular.
“Turn around.” she spoke again
And once again I did.
The resounding voice
Belonged to a girl who looked my age
A little skinnier then I remembered
A lot more sullen
Black circles enveloped her eyes
Her brunette hair was unkempt
Her green eyes not so sparkling,
But powerful as ever-
A circle played about her mouth
Slightly shaky but definitely Her’s
She couldn’t get out the last part
But I heart it still:
It’s you.
She ran at me
Limping a bit
Wincing when she landed hard
Blushed when she tripped
And fell before my feet
I knelt down, picking her up
She was so light
A foot from death
Yet never more beautiful that I had seen
A passionate kiss was traded
Between our merchant lips
Others gasped, some swore
Though I cared not-
I had found Isabella.
With a tear in her eye
She whispered, so soft
I barely heard:
“About time you showed up.”
So softly one treaded
I barely heard
The footsteps behind me
The blow that knocked me
Right off thy very feet
Isabella tumbled from my arms
Screaming in panic
Horrific, terrifying
Screaming.
I didn’t feel the knife come
Silently into my hands
Until it was too late-
A rough childhood taught
The reflexes one hoped never to use
So dreadfully well
In time with the seething words-
“Unhand my daughter, filthy Nazi!”

It happened in slow motion
As he flew through the air
Eyes turning from rage
To utter, complete fear
As he landed on top of me
Eyes turning from fear
To a bitter acceptance.
With a tear in my eye
I gave him my full attention
As he whispered, “Now listen here, boy
Take good care of her for me.”

She looked from him to me
From me to the uniform
From the uniform to my eyes
With a sullen whisper, “Why.”
I stuttered, I didn’t mean to..
She stopped me; said it was
The best thing that could have
Happened to him, dying,
He had lost so much
She stuck a finger at my chest
Where the impression of a swastika lay
Her head buried in my shoulder, Why.
I spoke in a depressed clarity this time
If but with a drawn out sigh;

Behind me lies a battlefield
Everyone involved is scarred
And have died if but inside
Usurped my emotions
Turned me from your morals
You know, a man changed I am.

Please know my intentions were well
Really, I meant no harm
If only, a man is inclined to mistakes
Do you think this is the real me?
Everyone else seems to think so.

Look away, cast unto a blind eyed pair
Or accept me for what I am
Venom ebbs through mortally verbal wounds
Emptied the chalice of a fire forgotten.

And to myself, I thought

I inquire, innocent if I will
Why the rumors, Third Reich?
Oh why be you are that you are?
I saw myself in a puddle of mud-
Oh why be you are that you are.

I got no answer
Instead she took my hand
And led me forward
“You can share a cot with me”
Her face went slightly blank
An unhumorous laugh breaking the silence
“Just like old times.”

We arrived at the camp
Some fifteen minutes later
I apologize for leaving it out,
I am sick of speaking about silence.
The bed was about 18 inches long
It was a tight fit and
I offered to sleep on the floor
But she said no;
We have some catching up to do.
An amount more went on that night
Though nothing to break our religions
All is the same, forgive me
I don’t feel comfortable sharing.

So we’ll start where
We’ve started before-
I dreamt a dream tonight.

I was lying in a grave
In an hour of the darkest night
Lit up by a pale moon
And the man inside cried
Not so much for himself
As tears for the world
A shadow reigned over me.

The soul catcher
Beautiful yet pale
Crying and dying with every cast
Of disbelief and shock or something else
Dark as the dirt of my tomb tonight
Tended by the keeper Isabella.

My maiden
Skull-faced and mute
Watching, intrigued and pleased
At the ironic cruelty of fate
A hunger gleamed in her eyes
Such a human imperfection.


The angel
Dying and fading
Lay with me, not a tear or word
Creviced her face
So loving, lost
The caloric element tonight
So unreal.

A trinity
Unanimous in strife
Endlessly warring for supremacy
Imperfect, love, substantial perhaps and death
Utterly human.

The voice that never
Spoke to me
Cracked those lips tonight
Your angel is the murdered
The savior drags you down
Yet I listen not
Yet I care not
Alas, I can’t talk,
Suffocating in the grave.

We awoke at dawn
I heard the bell this time
She kissed me good morning
Walked me through the preamble
Led me to the assembly
With surprisingly nimble feet
It was winter at the time
Her rags provided little warmth
So we huddled together for hours
Waiting for the go to, to work
Whispering sweet nothings.

And… 201827…
She was instantly alert
I noticed the number on her wrist
She told me to stay put
Yet I could abandon her not
As I stepped into the cast
Of an unnamed grave.


Nine shots were fired-
A bullet through the head-
The man stopped at us
In his ironed uniform
Chewing on a dim cigar
His eyes as cold as steel
His body just a carapace
There was nothing inside.
Abandoned in a time of need
The man took a wrong path
Though he could tell so not
Drowning in an apathetic reality.
“You.” he spoke
“I have a proposal for you.”
I cocked an eyebrow
“Perform this execution;
I will recover your full rights
Take it off your record
This.. Little slip of ours.”
He handed me a pistol-
Luger P08 to be exact
Isabella tensed as
I raised the gun head height
Looking deep into her eyes
I smiled, one of true joy
She gasped, shaking
Crying as I whispered goodbye.

My finger moved so slowly
It seemed the winter would turn
Unto a warmer note
Before my finger moved an inch
Or was frozen to the spot
But regardless, the round exploded
The bullet fired, cut through
The body and threw strands
Of fiber ten feet back..
The Nazi flag drifted to the ground
Burning in the flames.

I embraced Isabella
In the split second we had left
“I love you” I whispered
She repeated, though not so soft as I
Carving it into the ears of
Any soul who would listen
That of a Jew, a Jew
Who loved her Nazi.

The bullets tore across the sky
A dozen or more in each body
Dead before they hit the ground
The lovers finally betrothed
In the most intimate moment of one’s life.

The man with a pistol
Who’d already died
-If only but inside-
Well, he smiled
Turning on a foot and
Indicating to the Angel of Death
To do as he wished
And to himself;
The source of the smile-
“Damn, another one.”
He felt human for that brief instant
Remembering the lass of his
Who disappeared in his youth
Without a trace
A tear broke his steely eyes
In his ever lasting quest
Unto had been added
A final nostalgic chapter-
No one turned a head
Batted an eye
Or spared a glance
For just another bullet fired-
For he had finally escaped Auschwitz.


Saint Peter regarded the new comers
With a curious remark
A Nazi in Heaven?
The lad spoke but a phrase
“Another soldier reporting, Sir
I’ve Served my time in Hell.”

I’ve served my time in Hell.