The Debaucherous Duo, Parts 1 - 3

Part I: The Drinking Party



Ken and James were best friends; they had been working together at East Bank Cinemas for five years, and didn’t have any intention of leaving. They both were assistant managers, and their sole goal in life was to sleep with the female staff.  They always came up with elaborate schemes to lure women into their beds, but they always failed.

One such scheme was to throw a drinking party for the staff.

During the course of the year there would often be at least two or three drinking parties amongst the staff at East Bank.  James and Ken put flyers all around the building promoting their upcoming East Bank party.  They decided to throw a party on Saturday the 14th at 11 PM, or when ever people got off of work.  James and Ken set it up to be one big extravaganza, filled with games, movies, sex, and alcohol. The sex was wishful thinking on both James and Ken’s part, in fact the closest the two of them ever came to getting laid was when they got drunk and French kissed each other at a party. When ever people would approach them about this incident, both of them would deny that it ever happened.

The party started at 11 PM as scheduled, but only twelve people showed up, out of the twelve that showed up only three were women: Amy, Alice and Marie. Marie had just turned 18 years-old, neither James nor Ken paid much attention to her, no matter how hard she tried.

“Hey guys, guess what? I am 18 years-old, which means I am finally legal. Now, that I am legal, I hope none of you try to take advantage of me,” shouted Marie. She was really hoping to get laid by either James or Ken. However, neither of them responded to her statement. Ken was too busy conversing with Alice about his DVD collection.

“Yeah man, I got over 100 DVDs. I bought Alien last week. Have you ever seen Alien?” said Ken.

“No!” said Alice, who didn’t give a rat’s ass about Ken’s DVD collection.

“You should borrow it. It’s pretty good. It maybe one of the scariest movies ever,” said Ken. With that he gave Alice his copy of Alien to watch. Before Ken had a chance to say more to Alice, James walked over and grabbed her by the arm.

“I think you need a drink,” said James.

“No, I don’t drink,” said Alice.

“What? You don’t drink? That’s a sin,” said James, chuckling at his own cleverness.

“I don’t like alcohol,” said Alice.

“I think you need to mellow out. Relax, and enjoy yourself,” said James.

For months Ken and James had been trying to bed Alice, but to no avail. She had a boyfriend, but that didn’t matter to either of them.  Ken and James planned this party to see how far they could get with Alice when she was drunk. However, it seemed their plan had backfired.

“No, I don’t like alcohol. In fact, I should be going in a few minutes. I told my boyfriend I would be home around one,” said Alice.

“Don’t be a Lame Larry! You’re boyfriend sounds like a tyrant. I think you should dump him. He seems like a drag. You’re too good for a dullard like him. I think you need to move on,” said James.

“He’s not that bad. I haven’t seen him in a few days, and I would like to spend some time with him,” said Alice.

“You’ll always have time to see your boyfriend. How often do you get to party with us? You need to relax, and a have drink. I highly recommend it,” said James.

“No, I’d rather not,” said Alice.

“Fine,” said James. He walked away disappointed. Just when he had given up all hope on getting laid, he spotted Amy in the corner of his eye. James had never noticed Amy prior to this moment. He was horny and was looking for an easy lay. He was hoping Amy would be more than willing to oblige.

“Hey Amy, how would you like a drink?” said James.

“OK!” said Amy.

“So far, so good,” said James.

“What?”

“Nothing! Nothing!”

Marie walked up to James and said, “I would like a drink as well.”

“Well, then get a beer can from the cooler. I’m talking to Amy here,” said James.

“James?”

“What do you want?”

“Did you know that I’m 18?” said Marie in a desperate attempt to get James attention.

“I heard you the first time. Please, I would like to talk to Annie here…OK!”

“My name is Amy,” said Amy.

“I know! I was just trying to throw off Marie. That girl is like Jar Jar Binks, she’s annoying,” said James, who prided himself on his Star Wars knowledge.

“I hardly know her,” said Amy.

“You don’t want to know her. She’s constantly gabbing about random nonsense. I don’t even know why she is at this party. I didn’t invite her,” said Jim.

“Alice told me I should come. I wasn’t really invited either,” said Amy.

“Don’t take that as an insult. We would have invited you eventually. We were too busy making plans for the party that some people got left out. That is why we spread the word amongst the staff,” said James. 

James then took out two shot glasses, and poured Tequila in both of them. He gave a glass to Amy, did a toast and gulped it down. He then began to cough uncontrollably for thirty seconds.  Amy looked puzzled; James recovered by telling Amy he had a cold.

“Can you tell me where the bathroom is?” said Amy.

“Why? Are you going to masturbate? Ha Ha!” said James in a fake sarcastic tone, hoping she was going to say yes.

“No! I have to go to the bathroom,” said Amy.

“Oh! It’s upstairs, first door on the right,” said James slightly disappointed. Amy walked away, while James poured himself another shot of tequila. Ken walked up to James to inquire what was going on.

“James? Who were you talking to?” said Ken.

“Her name is Amy or Annie, I forgot. I never noticed her before, but now that I got a close look, she’s kind of hot.”

Ken contemplated it for a second.

“Yeah, now that you mention it she is kind of hot. I wonder if she is naughty.”

“I intend to find out,” said James.

“How far have you gotten man?”

“I’m on the verge of seeing her naked. She told me she had to go to the bathroom. I think she was implying something far more sinister, if you catch my drift,” said James.

Ken didn’t, but that didn’t stop him from nodding his head in agreement.

“I think this going to be one interesting night,” said James.

Just then Marie walked up to James.

“Did you know that I recently broke up with Rob,” said Marie.

“Yes, that’s great,” said James.

“I’m available. I just wish I could find a good man to sweep me off my feet. Do you know of any such man?” said Marie.

“No,” said James. He didn’t want to be bothered by Marie. Nevertheless, Marie kept following James around talking about how she got wasted at a high school party a few weeks ago.

“It was crazy. I got so drunk, I can’t remember anything. I do remember that I made out with the star quarterback. I think his named was Bill. It was insane. I love parties. I’m hoping to hook up with someone tonight,” said Marie. 

She didn’t understand why James kept missing her hints. She knew about his reputation as being a ladies’ man and was hoping she would be given the opportunity to make out with him. Marie thought James was attractive and he came across as being such a sweet guy. He seemed like the kind of guy that would listen to a girl’s problems, instead of dismissing them. Marie kept dropping hints to James that she wanted to hook up with him, but James kept thinking about Amy. It’s not that he didn’t want to screw Marie; it’s just that she wasn’t the top priority on his list. Amy was far more mysterious, therefore the most attractive girl at the party. James was hoping he could corrupt her and have his way with her before the night ended.

His hopes were short lived however, when he saw Ken engaging in a conversation with Amy.  It seemed like they were really hitting it off, Ken seemed to be really enthused about this girl. What James didn’t know was that Ken was merely talking to Amy about his DVD collection.

“Yeah, I got over 150 DVDs, man,” said Ken.

“Oh, that’s nice,” said Amy.

“I love movies, man. Would you like to see a movie some time?”

“Sure, why not!” said Amy.

“How about Monday night?”

“OK!” said Amy.

James then shrugged his shoulders, looked at Marie, and said, “So, I heard you and Rob broke up. EWWWW!”

“Yes, we did!” said Marie, excited that James was finally paying attention to her.



Part II: The Drive-In



For  reasons unknown to this day, Amy decided that she liked Ken a lot. After they went on their first date, which consisted of watching the movie Monster, Amy agreed to out with Ken again. It eventually blossomed into one of the most inept romances in modern day history. 

A typical date between Ken and Amy generally consisted of them going to East Bank, going back to his place, watching TV, and going to bed.  This pattern was repeated over and over again. A few months into the relationship, Amy started having fond memories of a drive-in theatre near her home town. She often went at least three to four times every summer with her friends from Madison. She decided that she would like to take Ken to the drive-in theatre. She was hoping he would enjoy the experience. She approached Ken about the idea. He balked at it.

“Why would you want to go to a drive-in? We work at a movie theatre? We can see movies for free.  More than likely the drive-in will be showing the same movies our theatre is showing.  Where’s the fun in paying for a movie? That’s just stupid,” said Ken.

“It will be fun!” said Amy.

“NO MAN! There will be traffic, mosquitoes and children. That is not my idea of fun. Not to mention drive-ins have a shitty sound system. In fact they have no sound system; therefore the movie will be terrible.  I mean, what’s the point of watching a movie if it isn’t in surround sound. This is a dumb idea,” said Ken.

“C’mon. Just this once, please!” said Amy.

“Fine, but you’re driving, man,” said Ken.

“OK!”

Ken and Amy got into her car, and were off on their way to the drive-in. The song “Hey Ya” came on the radio, so Amy naturally started to sing a long with it. Ken rolled his eyes and covered his ears.  After “Hey Ya” was done playing on the radio, the song “Overprotected” came on. Amy loved Britney Spears music, so naturally she started singing and shaking to the song behind the wheel. Ken lost his patience.

Will you knock it off, man! You’re embarrassing me,” said Ken.

“How am I embarrassing you?” said Amy.

“You’re singing out loud. It’s embarrassing.”

“Ken, we’re driving in a car on a back road, in the middle of nowhere. There are no other cars; hence there are no other people. No one can see or hear me. How can I possibly be embarrassing you?” said Amy.

“Just knock it off!” said Ken.

“Fine, I’ll turn off the radio, if it will make you happy.”

“It will!”

Amy turned off the radio. Ken put on his head phones, and ignored Amy for the rest of trip. Occasionally a thought would enter Amy’s mind, but she stopped herself from saying it out loud. It was about 8:30 when they arrived at the drive-in.  A look of sheer disgust came across Ken’s face as they drove into the front gate. 

He looked at the price of admission and began to protest, “Seven dollars? I’m not going to pay seven dollars to see I movie I can see for free. This is such a rip off, man.”

“I’ll pay for the admission. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“You should pay. After all, it was your idea to come to this run down shed of a movie house.”

Amy shelled out the money.  She parked in a spot close to the concession stand.

“Don’t park here! I can smell the popcorn. I don’t want to be tempted to buy food,” said Ken.

Amy started the car up, and park in a spot close to a swing set.

“This is no good. There are children near by, they are loud and annoying. There’s no way I will be able to pay attention to the movie.”

Amy once again started the car up and parked in another spot. She repeated this action over and over again, until on the sixth attempt she found a spot Ken approved of.

“You owe me, man. I mean, I could be out doing something fun with the guys, but instead I choose to go the drive-in with you,” said Ken.

“Will you stop whining?” said Amy.

“I am not whining, I merely stating a fact.”

“Why can’t you enjoy yourself? It’s a beautiful night, we’re found a nice spot to watch the movie, and we are finally doing something together. It’s been quite awhile since it has been just you and I hanging out with one another.”

“What ever?  Next time can we do something that isn’t so lame?” said Ken.

“How is this lame?”

“It just is man.”

“You know what’s lame, making your girlfriend watch Lord of the Rings on Valentine’s Day. That’s pretty damn lame.”

“Hey, Lord of the Rings is not lame, man. That movie is awesome. Just because you can’t appreciate it, doesn’t mean it is lame. Some times, I wonder why I even asked you out. I mean, we’re on totally different planets, man.”

“I’m sorry for having an opinion,” said Amy sarcastically.

“That’s OK!” said Ken, unaware of the sarcasm. He then proceeded to put on his head phones again and listen to the DVD that James had burned for him.

Realizing there was very little to say to Ken; Amy got out of the car and headed towards the concession stand.

“Where are you going?” said Ken.

“I’m going to the concession stand to get popcorn,” said Amy.

“Oh! Can you pick me up a box of Junior Mints while you are there? I’m getting kind of hungry myself,” said Ken.

“Sure, anything else you would like?”

“No!”

However, just as Amy had suspected, as soon as she got back from the concession stand with her popcorn and Ken’s Junior Mints, he suggested she should buy some nachos.

“You don’t have to buy nachos, but it would be nice to have some, just in case you get hungry later on. I don’t want you to buy them for me, but for yourself. Popcorn isn’t that filling frankly, and I don’t want you to be eating my Junior Mints. You should buy some nachos, but like I said you don’t have to,” said Ken.

“You’re right! I don’t have to nor will I.  If you want nachos, then get off your lazy ass and buy them yourself,” said Amy in a snappy manner.

Ken sunk back in his chair. He was horrified. This was the first time Amy had ever snapped at him like that. She would often argue with him, but generally in the end he would get what he wanted. However, this time it was different, she had put her foot down.  He didn’t like this one bit. He had to take control of the situation, and the only way to take control was to guilt trip her into apologizing.

“You don’t have to be such a bitch! All I did was SUGGEST that you buy nachos, and you get all defensive. Lighten up, man,” said Ken.  Ken was convinced that she would be apologizing in no time. 

“Ken, I don’t mean to be a bitch. I probably wouldn’t be a bitch, if you weren’t such an incessant asshole all the time,” said Amy.

This stunned Ken, she didn’t apologize. He thought for certain she would be begging him for forgiveness, instead she snapped back at him. 

“I am not an asshole.  I think I’ve been rather understanding given the circumstances. It’s not easy being your boyfriend.  Nothing is ever good enough for you. I mean, seeing a movie a regular theatre wasn’t good enough, we had to go the drive-in.  Then when I agree to go the drive-in, you become a first class bitch. Nothing is good enough for you,” said Ken.

“Maybe if you would stop your whining and start enjoying yourself, I would be more laid back. How can I be laid back if you are always fussing about every tiny thing?”

“I don’t need this, man. I thought I was dating a female, not some militant femi-nazi. Last thing I need is a lecture from you about how disrespectful I am. I don’t want to talk any more, let’s just watch the movie and get this over with. This has been a huge waste of time, man,” said Ken.

“You can say that again,” said Amy.

They spent the rest of the night ignoring one another.  During the movie neither of the made eye contact with the other and on the way home none of them had anything worthwhile to say.  Amy dropped Ken off at his apartment; he quickly got out of the car, and slammed the door.  Amy broke down in tears.



Part III: The Break Up Via Text Message



The next morning Ken got up at 8. He had to work at the movie theatre at 11:30; however he went in at 10:30 to do some maintenance. He changed one light bulb, and spent the rest of the time playing pinball on the computer.  At 11:30, James came into work.

“Where were you last night? You didn’t come to my party,” said James.

“I took Amy to the drive-in. She wanted to go so badly, so I gave in and took her there.”

“It doesn’t sound like you had too much fun.”

“No, she kept nagging me about how I was treating her so badly, and all that other femi-Nazi bullshit,” said Ken.

“What a bitch? She’s a complete drag at times,” said James.

“I know, all she does is complain. I try to hard to please her, but nothing is ever good enough for her.”

“You know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think you need to dump her. She’s not fun to be around. She’s lost all her sex appeal. I mean, she’s annoying. She’s like Jar Jar in Star Wars. She’s the next Jar Jar,” said James, proud of the fact that once again he managed to reference Jar Jar.

“Yeah, she can be rather annoying.”

“She has a habit of killing a moment every time she opens her mouth. Just like Jar Jar. Remember when you were watching Lord of the Rings on Valentine’s Day, and she kept ruining it for every one by talking about her younger brother’s first date. She was a major pain in the ass. She was a thorn in my side. She was a rather unpleasant distraction.”

“Yeah, when I first met her I thought it would be fun dating her. I never realized it would be so much work,’” said Ken.

“You see! All work and no plays make Jack a dull boy,” said James, over pleased by his Shining reference. Ken was equally impressed by James Shining quote, and an awkward silence fell between the two men.

The silence was broken when Ken declared to James in an assertive manner, “YOU’RE RIGHT! I need to dump her. I’m a young, fairly attractive male. I can do far better than her. I’m going to dump that bitch. I’m going to call her up and break off this relationship right now.”

“HURRAH!” said James.

“Thanks for this talk James. It really helped me put things in perspective.”

“No problem.”

Ken left the manager office, and walked outside. He took out his cell phone and dialed Amy’s cell phone number. He then promptly hung up; he didn’t have the guts to talk to Amy, so he decided to text her instead.

Ken typed, “Want 2 brk up!” He then sent the message.

“You’re one bad ass, mother fucker,” said James, who then proceeded to high five Ken. The two of them proceeded to wrestle one on another in the office, until they were needed outside in the lobby to take care of a customer complaint.