Rose Petal

                                                  Rose Petal

    I believe the best way to describe last night was fitful.  For hours, I tossed and turned and moved from one room to the next hoping to find a place to rest. I walked back and forth, back and forth wondering whether or not I should just forget trying to sleep.  I took a sleeping pill and still my mind was racing.  The pill did nothing for me; it just made my eyes heavy.  Every time I dozed I saw your face, your enigmatic face with sparkling cornflower blue eyes, furrowed forehead, sandy hair, salt and pepper beard and of course your mischievous smile behind lips that are a mystery unto themselves. 

    Then I discovered in my pill induced state that I could actually hear laughter, low, full-throated, sensual and teasing.  You kept asking me why I couldn’t go to sleep and then you laughed again and again while you stroked my hair. Ah yes, that voice, the one I have heard a thousand times but will never be used to hearing. It is a low melodic Southern drawl which I swear reminds me of Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind.  I can imagine you saying, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” And just like Scarlett, I say I will get you back tomorrow.  This is the voice that makes me eager to capture it like you do a beautiful butterfly and hide it in a jar, like an exotic pet, just for me to enjoy so that anytime I want to hear it, all I have to do is open the jar, and watch it fly out saying to me over and over "Hello, Rose Petal."  I have watched the faces of other women when you speak; they turn and look to see who is making that glorious sound.  It was your voice that first caught my attention and it will probably be your voice that will console me when my body and all other senses cease to function.

    At last about 3:00AM, I settled on the bed in my bedroom. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, safe in the heavenly world of my creation. I pretended to bury my head into your shoulder. I could feel the rise and fall of your breathing. I could smell your after shave �“ you know the one you said you bought just for me.  I lay quietly, touching your back with my hand, hoping that I wouldn’t disturb you, the vision, by moving. I listened and took in your scent as long as I dared and at some point I believe I actually fell asleep for a few hours consoled by your heavenly imaginary presence.

    Finally, the sunrise shown through my bedroom window and I got up to make coffee. I sat down in the kitchen with the back porch door open to the cool morning air and tried to listen to the news of the day. I couldn’t pay attention and only heard a few words here and there. I was seeing your face in every story and wishing you were here drinking coffee with me and talking about everything, anything and nothing. I just wanted to watch you raise the coffee cup to your lips and sip the hot liquid like we have done many mornings, talking about whatever strikes our fancy or just living in the moment trying to suspend time knowing that when the moment passes all will be gone or changed forever. You know, I have those moments with you.  The moments that I am so acutely aware of will never come again.

    My mind wandered back to the origin of my long night’s imaginings.  I went back to last night when we sat on the porch watching the spring rain fall and smelling the wonderful smells of May. While it rained we talked about our many, many dreams and smiled and flirted with each other like teenagers but never touched - just let the intensity of the moment and our feelings for each other build, until you finally said you had to leave. You left me breathless by your presence and the simple kiss you gave me, just a little something intentionally meant to help me not forget the promised intensity of a life spent with you. I stood like a statue watching you back the car out of the driveway like I would never see you again. I wondered then would there ever be another evening like this one?  There was something in the air, something strange in me and in you, some great mysterious thing that just came together at the same time.  It was a moment that should be preserved and I believe you and I both realized it. 

    You are the one who brings out the best and the worst in me. You are my muse - the one inspiration that I can never let go. You are the promise I look forward to every day. You are intoxicating, addicting, frustrating, complicated and simple at the same time. You are the part of my soul that longs to get out but for some reason I keep pushing back down. I am afraid of what will happen if I let beast free. You are more than the love of my life. You are that part of me that I don't understand.  Will I ever?

    Meanwhile I finish my coffee and pretend to start my day. I tell myself that I am going to live in reality now, but I know that I will not. I will not be productive in any way today, since I know that I would rather be living in my dream with you while I can still remember the images, the sounds and the smells. And, as I pick up my car keys and walk out the door, with my heart beating so loud I can hear it in my ears, I try to tell myself that all of this won’t happen again. But I know I am lying to myself because the next time I see you, I will spend another sleepless night feeling your gentle touch on my hair while you whisper in my ear, “What’s the matter, Rose Petal, can’t sleep?”