Shopping for Sex Toys at WalMart

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you'd never be caught shopping at the Evil Empire, but this is an emergency. The closest adult toy store is hours away and your date isn't. Besides, I think they're still picketing and you've already said you're scared of those church ladies. And, yes, you could have ordered some real playthings from Lit or Amazon or wherever, but you forgot, didn't you? So, it's here or Home Depot. Yes, that was just a joke... Although I can think of some interesting possibilities .... Maybe later.

So, grab a cart and let's go. Not that one. It's got a wockity wheel. Try that one. Much better.

No, they're not doing community service. They're called greeters. They're supposed to make you feel welcome. And to look out for big screen TVs shoved down your pants. Come on.

Now, our first stop's the Health and Beauty department. No, they're not all looking at you. They're shopping, just like you. Well, I'm sure you look weird to them, too.

Here we are. This'll be the only place for actual sex stuff. The rest we'll improvise. Now, let me check that list. A personal massager. Yes, that's a vibe. I don't know why they don't just say Vibrator on the box. They just don't. Look for one you like, or even better, one you think she'll like. Isn't that one a little...um...industrial looking? Let's see what the label says: Intense Pulsing Throbbing Deep Muscle Penetration. I'd be scared to see that thing coming at me, especially the first time I'm sleeping with a guy. Maybe something a little friendlier. How about this one? I think she'll like this one. Just put it in the bottom of the cart. You don't need a bag to cover it up with. No one cares. Besides we'll put some other things on top of it.

Of course, we're not finished. There's a whole list, remember. How are you fixed for condoms? They're on these shelves. What do you mean, you didn't know they had so many different kinds? Where do you buy your condoms? Oh, don't tell me...the men's room at Bill's Bottle Shop, right? There's a whole new world out there, kiddo.

Latex. Lambskin. Lubricated. Flavored. Pick out a couple of boxes and we'll go. I don't know. A couple of different ones. That way she can choose. Oooh. Spirals for her Pleasure. That one's mine. Throw that one in the cart for me. No, the store doesn't have that old lady restrained in that chair. She's getting her blood pressure checked. Why they put it right next to the condoms and the lube, I haven't got a clue. No! No! No! Don't get the ones you dropped. Just leave the box on her lap and get another...

Oh, I am so sorry, ma'am. If you could just stop screaming for a minute. I'm sure that's not good for your blood pressure. No. He's not a pervert, I promise.

You're the store manager, sir? I never have seen anyone jump over one of those check out lines like that. Yes, we'll be happy to step into your office.

No, you weren't under arrest. You're not going to have a police record. The guy was laughing. It's fine. Let's go. We have more things to buy. He said he'd leave the cart by the pharmacy window. Here it is.

Oh, good. The little old lady's gone. Look! Those guys are moving the blood pressure station to over by the vitamins. Hmmm. Makes more sense and a lot less dangerous, too. We're back here because we didn't buy any lube. But you might and it won't hurt anything to have some nearby, just in case. Well, there's Astroglide, Durex, KY warming gel...You put a drop or two on her nipples or her clit and it warms when you blow gently on it. Oh, you like that idea? Fine. Any more? Yeah, a plain one might be a good idea, too.

Yes, I know these are hairbrushes. Right now they are, but tonight they'll be sex toys. If she's a little kinky, you can spank her with one. Really kinky and the handle could be used in all sorts of ways. You're so cute when you blush. And if she's not, brushing her hair is a great form of foreplay. It's okay if it's pink. Girls like pink.

Move down just a little farther and we're at our next stop. Head bands and hair ribbons. Yes, I know, she's not twelve. There are a lot more creative ways to use some ribbons. Trail the ends over her bare skin. Tie her up. And see, the headbands are stretchy. Wrap it a couple of times around her wrists. It would make a blindfold or maybe she'll want you helpless on the bed... Well, I'm sure you two will be able to think of something when the time comes. They're hair decorations. Girls fasten them to strands of their hair. Think about where else they might be feel good to be clamped to. You're thinking of some places right now, aren't you? I can tell.

Candles will be nice. Let's go there next. Because candles are romantic. Candlelight is flattering to a woman's skin and they smell good. Those two are fine. Pick out two holders to put them on. No, you can't just use a couple of beer coasters. Because they could catch something on fire. A candle is romantic. An uncontrolled fire is not.

A quick stop at the sporting goods section. Look around you. Maybe a ping pong paddle. No? They bring back memories of visits to the junior high school principal's office? Ick! That's not the thought you want running through your head tonight. We'll skip the paddles. Anything else around here you like? Okay, we'll just move on.

Still have the same sized bed? Because we're going to buy you some new sheets. They are not perfectly fine. Your mother got them at an outlet store for you when you were ten. They're not cool and retro. They're misprints. They say STAR TERK for heaven's sake. They don't say you're a guy with a sense of humor. They say you're a pathetic loser who just moved from his mom's basement. Get new ones! At least 300 count. They're silkier and much nicer to sleep on. The higher the number, the better. Yes. They're scratchy and they smell funny right now. Be sure you wash them as soon as you get home.

Stop looking at your watch. We've got plenty of time and we're almost done.

Yes, I know you don't have a dog. We're looking at these collars. This one would fit nicely around her neck, or maybe yours, and you could pretend. A little submission game. Naked, a collar with a long ribbon tied from it to... Uh huh. So? Which one? Oh, both of them. Okay. I won't even ask what you're seeing in that head of yours.

The produce section is next. You're not hungry? Your appetite for strawberries may increase when you're eating them one by one from her naked body. Or she's feeding them to you. Hey! One box is plenty. We have some other things to get. What else? Well, whipped cream is a classic. Over in the dairy case. I like the kind in the blue can. Stop by here and pick up a bottle of chocolate syrup. Special Dark's my favorite. Why? It's less sweet, more intense flavor. Sure. You can get both kinds. But, be careful. A little chocolate drizzle goes a long way. And can be very messy.

That reminds me. Clean towels? Because she might want to take a shower after the food play. That's why. Okay. It's back to the Domestics Department. Because all women dream, without much real hope, that you guys can be domesticated one day and they want to be ready. A pair of the biggest ones and a couple of those smaller ones. A Display of body wash. Good. Pick one. Because she likes things that smell "girly". You don't have to use it. You can stick with the bar that's been in your shower for ... No, don't tell me how old that nasty little sliver of soap is.

Last stop and then we'll check out. Champagne. Always a good idea. I like these two, but pick whichever you like. Two champagne flutes. No, you're not going to drink this delicious champagne out of your Batman jelly jar mugs. Because you're trying to impress her, not your friends from the He Man Woman Haters Club. Oh, don't drink all of the champagne. Save a little. Hold a tiny sip in your mouth when you kiss her there. The bubbles explode against her. Yeah, she'll like it. Wow! Ask her to do the same for you. Not too much and not too vigorously. It foams like crazy. No, I'm not going to tell you any details. That's private. You'll find out how it feels for yourself tonight.

Get in line. We're at the check out. They're all the same. Oh, pick another aisle. Quick. That's Virgil. He comments on every single thing in your cart. It'll take forever to get through and you're going to be cutting it close. I didn't plan on that little detour through the manager's office.

Here. Unload the cart while I look for....Oh, yes. Here they are. A box of Altoids and a little bag of red hots. What are they for? Besides the obvious answer of eating and freshening your breath, you mean? Remember what I told you about the bubbles in the champagne? Well, imagine a cooling sensation, or her mouth even warmer. Yeah, that's it. Pay for this stuff and you're ready to go. Have a great evening.

Oh, hand me that box of Spiral condoms. They're mine.