Thespian Idol

A QUICK NOTE TO ALL WRITING.COM:  This is a quick little script I had to write for my Drama banquet, one of the many scripts I've written for the school.  I'm not sure if this, or any place indeed, is the best place to post it, but I think it will give some a laugh. 




Thespian Idol

Jonathan- Brian Seacrest
Emily- “Sa$ha”
Drew- “Joe Balls”
Andrew- Morgan Oregon McFinnigan
Taryn- Sammy HeDrips
Mark- Simon Sez
Mandy- Helen Degenerate
Kathleen- Holla Atyoo  (Gets more-and-more spacey as the show goes on)

The set-up:  The judges table is on stage right, while the contestant table is stage left.  The podium is in the center.

Each singer number should last no longer than ninety seconds.  If you run to long, the judges/ Jonathan will stop you.

(Judges are sitting down at their table, while singers are standing on the first tier of the risers.  Jonathan is at the podium, with a spotlight on him.)

Jonathan- The hippie guitarist from the vegan commune; a homsexual in denial, obsessed with Lady Gaga; the Oregon Irishman who chops down trees and skips and jumps; and your run-of-the-mill Brittany Spears wannabe. These are your top four, but, more importantly, I’m Brian Barebreast. (Stops to give audience a flashy smile.) And this… is Thespian Idol!

(idol music again)

And judging them tonight, are the famous Simon Sez!

Mark- Simon Sez don’t suck.

Jonathan: Helen Degenerate!

Mandy- I’m a lesbian!

Jonathan: Holla Atyoo!

Kathleen- You’re all beautiful and I love all of you. (turns to Mandy) Not
like that! (Chuckles to herself)


Jonathon- Tonight, we have a very special show. Our theme tonight is “Judges Choice”.  That means the contestants will be singing songs within their personal genres, as chosen by the judges. When we return to Thespian Idol after this quick words from our sponsors!

Commercial Break (Participation Awards, split these up between the 5 seniors.)



Jonathan – We’re back!  Performing first tonight, is Sa$ha. Would you please join me on the other side of the stage?

(They walk to the podium)

Jonathon – Well Sa$ha, what song have you (interrupted by Sasha)

Emily – (drunk) Well, let me tell you something, let me tell you something Ryan, uh Brian….I uh, I did ummm what?

Jonathon – ANYWAYS, I think she was trying to say that she’s singing Tik Tok, ah three letter words, by Kesha….hmmmmm……

Emily – Hey…  That’s right!… how did you know what I’d be performing?...
(HORRIBLE PERFORMANCE)

Jonathon – Well, that was uh….Judges?

Mark – Simon says that was completely horrendous. Just awful. Leave, leave now, please.

Mandy – I like girls.

Kathleen – I feel like for a moment there, your voice embodied a unicorn’s soul.


Jonathan – OK…. Sasha, do you have any final words you’d like to say to convince America to vote for you?

Sasha – Well I would just like to ummm, to thank ummm…. Them dum dums…

(Biggest Ham Award, Is You A Flower?, Commitment Award, Intestines for Keston, Cast Boogie, Scapenis, John Bennet Award, Smooth Balls)


Sasha (with staggering difficulty) – Tank.. Thank yous guys at Eye-ball… erm.. Idol!  I…. I have something to say!  I.. gah… love puppies… wanna work with… children… and do want world peace!  I hope you make me princess…queen Idol… I’ve always wanted to win a pregnant…pageant! 

Mandy – Well, speaking as a lesbian…

Kathleen (interrupting) – Girl, you got it, and you’ll get it, and you’ll win what you want!

(She smiles triumphantly, then slowly sits back down.)

Mark - Simon says take a few more pills.

Kathleen (whispering) – If I take more than four at a time I could get (pauses, as if it is forbidded to say) … intoxicated!

Jonathan – Speaking of intoxication, our next contestant hails from Ireland.  However, upon his journey from the Emerald Isle to the states, he abandoned his old name for one to match the Western Culture, so we only know him as, Morgan Oregon!

(Andrew moves up to the podium with Jonathan.)
Andrew – Aye, ‘tis a fine morrow.

Jonathan – Now, Mr. Oregon, can you tell us a little about yourself?  Is it true you changed your name just to gain fame on Idol?

Andrew – Aye, ‘tis true!

Jonthan – Oh really?!

Andrew – O’Rielly actually.  My name was McFinnigan O’Rielly back in the land of the green and Guinness.

Jonathan – And you are a lumberjack?

Andrew – That tis a fine tale to be told, there.

Jonathan – Oh really… erm… O’Rielly?

Andrew – Yes, ever since I was a young lad I always dreamt of leaping tree to tree in a red flannel shirt, while the spruces, pine, oak, and fir all feared me!  However, when I went for my first job, the manager gave me a task to complete, but I just couldn’t cut it!

(Pause)

Andrew – That was until they gave me an axe! (bad dum psh)

Mark (laughing historically) – Simon says you’re in the wrong show!  Simon says go to Comedy Central

Mandy – Speaking for the gay community, I feel…

Kathleen (interrupting) – Your jokes transcend into the heart of every American and appeal to lumberjacks everywhere…

Jonathan – Well, we’ll see what the judges think after your song; The floor is yours, Morgan Oregon!

(Andrew performs his song)

Jonathan – Well, ethnic certainly, but what do our judges think?

Mandy – As Helen Degenerate, a famous lesbian, I think…

Mark – Simon says your voice has as much tone as the chainsaw you use.

Kathleen - Your voice is as epic as the thunder from a Celtic summer.

Andrew – Aye, before I sign my scrim-shaw off, might I have a tone to speak for my cohorts?

(Pause as everybody tries to figure out what he is trying to say.)

Andrew (persisting) – Before I leave, can I recognize some people.

(Still more pause, still don’t understand)

Judges and Jonathan together – What?

Andrew – Can I give out the next set of awards!?!?!

Mandy – oh yes, you get my approval as a lesbian.

Mark – Simon says you didn’t have to be so rude.

Kathleen – Your gracious gesture toward your comrades shows the inner care in your heart.

Andrew (Staring Kathleen down) – And you people had a hard time deciphering what I said?!?

(Best Understudy who Never got onstage, Horacio, Why can’t I do a jazz square, Sky Chair, Never got to finish a show, Best Aim, Best Tech malfunction, Best Missed Entrance, Most faithful audience member)


Jonathan – Well, two down, two to go!  And next up we have a very young and talented Yoko Ono protégée, except this one can sing.  Please welcome, Sammy HeDrips!

(Taryn goes up to the podium with Jonathan.  She is a flower child.) 

Taryn – Groovy, Froody, Fantastically-icious!  I’m psyched to be here as an Idol standing against the man!

Jonathan – Right now you are just standing with a man.

Tayn – Right you are, correct-a-mundo, spot-on-the-target!  I am is he you are he is you are me and we are all together.

Jonathan - … But you do realize that this is a cut-throat competition to find out the best singer of the country?

Taryn – No, my nature brother, your eyes don’t see like sight was meant.  I’m here to groove on the peace train through those strawberry fields.

Kathleen – Hey!  She’s the one that took several of my pills early!

Mark – Simon says I see the connection.

Jonathan – Moving onward, is there anything you’d like to say before your song, Sammy Hedrips?

Taryn – Yeah, I must speak out against the man, and recognize these people for their general froodiness…

(Best use of swears on Stage, Best costume malfunction, Life Saver Award, Best Actor malfunction, Most surprising voice, Best Improv, Best missed entry, YEEEEESSSSS!, Best Aim)

Jonathan – Well, are you ready to rock now?

Taryn – I don’t rock, my celestial lover, I transcend the spiritual plane by leaving my body.

Jonathan – Do you get a reduced fare that way? 

Taryn – Not that kind of plane.

(Taryn sings her song)
Mark – Well, I think that was absolutely brilliant!  Never before has an artist moved me in such a way!

Taryn – Froody man, do you speak the truth?

Mark – No, I didn’t say “Simon Says.”  I actually thought only tortured creatures could make such sounds.

Mandy – I can relate to your movement, as I’m a lesbian…

Kathleen – My soul was truly churned like the tides of a receding ocean.

Jonathan – Well, as usual, their opinions were bloody useless, so we’ll get back to your results.

(Taryn sits back in her chair.)

Jonathan – Our last contestant tonight is known in his hometown as The West Coast Gaga, for his tendency to dress-up like, and sing songs by, Lady Gaga.  Welcome to Idol, Joe Balls.

(Drew enters onstage)

Drew (perfect girl MTV tones) – Hey there, America!  I wanna give a quick shout out to all the paparazzi here, and, if you are watching Lady Gaga, I WILL follow you until you love me!  (Pleades) LOVE ME!

Jonathan – Whoa now, take a cold shower before you ruin the floor.  Besides, aren’t you… ah… you know…

Drew (shyly) – What?

Jonathan – Well, you love Lady Gaga… you dress up like her… your toes are constantly pointed… and you sing tenor… aren’t you gay?

Drew (Defensive, but embarrassed) – Oh, no no no nooo!  Never!  My heart belongs to the one who, through thick or thin, can always live freely, if she were to Just Dance!

Jonathan – That’s what I’m saying, aren’t you gay for Lady Gaga?
Drew – Lady Gaga is a woman.

Jonathan – What?!!?

Mark – Simon says hold the phone!

Mandy – I always found her attractive, since I’m a lesbian…

Kathleen – I know your beautiful love for this Lady Gaga, whether she be man or not, will blossom into a fresh rose.

Jonathan (still taken aback) – Lady Gaga is a woman?!!?

Drew – Yes, and she will be my woman, after this beautiful song I re-composed in her honor!  This is for you, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta!

(pause)

Drew – That’s her real name.

Mark – Simon says good change.

(Drew sings his song)

Jonathan – Let me get this straight… you say that… to impress Lady Gaga… Who is a woman!??!

Mandy – Lesbian…

Kathleen – If your voice were a ring-tone, it would have been my first choice, as both a mother and a woman.

Mark – Simon says you are an untalented little troglodyte.

Jonathan- Troglo-dyke in Lady Gaga’s case.

Drew – DO NOT BAD MOUTH THE ONE WITH THE POKER FACE! 

(Drew takes a breath and clams down)
Drew – Now, to all my fellow Face-book stalkers of Lady Gaga, I have these to present to you…

(Noah Henry award, Best one Liner, Best missed entrance, No Shame Award, Schizophrenic Award, Rookie Award, Best Trio, Best Duet, Best Solo)

Jonathan – And Now, it’s your turn!  The audience must vote for their favorites, as YOU, are the ultimate decider, of the next… THEASPIAN IDOL!

While we wait for your ballets to come in, we’d like to hand the program over to our Board of Director, who would like to present these final prizes to our contestants!

(Mac gets on stage, does his spiel that he so requested.  Since he’s already up here, He will present Best supporting actor, Best supporting actress, Dan Marshall award, Golden Wrench award, Tina Award, and Tony Award.)

Jonathan – Now, ladies and gentleman, is the moment of truth.  Who will ascend into immortality and become the next Idol, and who will return home to their trailer, filled with broken dreams and broken beer bottles?  We said that you would decide, but, we didn’t actually count the ballets for two reasons.

Mark – Simon says, One, we want to make the move that will give us the best ratings. 

Kathleen - And two, the name was “Thespian Idol,” yet nobody did any acting, only crappy singing.

Mandy – For that reason, as the lesbian of the group…

Jonathan – We voted ALL of you off!

Drew, Emily, Andrew, Taryn – WHAT?! That’s no fair!  Cheaters!  Liars!!  Rigged competition!

Mark – Simon says Suck it!  We voted you guys off!
Andrew – Oh yeah?  Well we also made a poll, and we decided to vote you off too!

Emily – Yeah!

Drew – That’s right!  We’ve decided on an entirely different set of people to run this show!

Mandy – You can’t do that!

Taryn – Watch us!  Get them!

(Chaos ensues, Seniors grab all of the drama board members for next year and place them on the stage.)

Drew Hardy – Please welcome the Drama Board for 2010-2011.

Fin