So I asked

****READERS PLEASE NOTE....I know my grammar errors are horrible but I have always said I am a writer NOT an editor and steven king said "Get it down first, edit later".*****



I asked him tonight if I could take him to dinner and a movie. He told me his long distance relationships didn't work. I never asked for a relationship, I asked for a date. Basicly he said we could go to dinner as friends.

I have a hard time going to dinner with someone that I have already had intimate relationships with. I know it sounds stupid, but I am very complex. He doesn't want to pursue anything more than friendship...yeah it tore me up a little. I find myself thinking of him a lot.

Everyone tells me my life is about to take off, it scares me. At times I want to just give it all up and throw it away to find a challenge to start all over again. I turned down an offer in Albany today. I would have moved closer to him, but I was trying to let things time out, put some distance, obviously I should have taken the job.

I have a great job here in Maine and I have come to actually love it! Who can say that about their job and mean it? I have that feeling of being so alone, the few "real friends" I have are far away. Everyone else is just a person nearby, a person you pass on the street, or see shopping in a store. They aren't friends, they are simply there.

I like when the fog sets in the streets of the Old Port at night, I find myself walking down the middle of them, oddly enough not feeling alone. I have been recluse since High School. I started actually going out last year. Sometimes I feel as if I should just be recluse again and have the pizza boy run my errands before he delivers my pizza and of course, hand him a huge tip and thank him so that I am not the one that has to go out into the cold world.

I feel very down right now. I think my writing is my only true friend, she never judges me, and is always around for me. I have turned to her all of my life. She has never hurt me, or rejected me. I hate rejection. It kills me a little each time I am rejected. The only reason I am not dead yet is because once in a while I get a big ego boost from a mysterious stranger for some reason or another and it goes to my head. Right now my tank is on the red line...and frankly.it scares me.
When a person feels they have nothing to offer to anyone...well...you know.
Don't fret my reader, I am just getting my emotions out.