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Rated: 13+ · Chapter · Comedy · #1685093
This is an excerpt from my Delivery Driver novel.
Chapter 23:  Just Another Day          
         It was just another day at Pleasure Pizza.  By now, it was April, and Jason had been with the company for eight months.  He had gotten to know the area quite well and was getting his runs out much faster.  He was becoming a master at the fine art of delivery driving.  He knew all the shortcuts, when to use the freeway, what lights to avoid, and what lights to run.  He usually did about ten over the speed limit, but since he drove mostly in the city, there were no speed traps.  He had learned how to do most everything in the store and made friends with most of the crew.  He was making more money now, but still struggling to make ends meet. 
         Paul had Jason come in early that today, as they had a number of a big advance orders.  “Jason, you’re going to the nudist colony,” said Paul. 
         “What?!”
         “Yeah, the Nudist Colony.  It’s way out in the boonies off Crystal Road.” 
         “Cool,” he thought, “maybe I’ll get too see some female flesh,” and off he went in hopeful anticipation.  Jason took the large pizza up to the nudist colony. It was hot and humid, so he turned on his air conditioning in the car.  The nudist colony was on the outer edge of town, out in the country.  Jason appreciated the beautiful nature.  The area was very quiet and numerous mosquitoes swarmed around his vehicle.  Finally, he got to the entrance of the colony and saw a big sign.  “Welcome to the Fun Love Nudist Colony.  Clothing is optional.”  He drove slowly through there, scanning the place for bare naked hotties, but none were to be found.  The roads were made of gravel, and the layout was very confusing; Jason made a few wrong turns before finding the place, a cheap little trailer with a beat-up hippie van parked out front.  Jason got out of the car, excited, hoping to see some TNA.  Instead, two pot-bellied old men emerged from the trailer, butt-naked, with genitals flapping in the breeze, one of which was rather engorged for God-knows what reason.  It was really disgusting.  Jason gave them the pizza and quickly got out of there.  They had extra sausage and extra cheese.
Jason was back at the store and up for a delivery.  He looked at the delivery screen.  The first order was going to 1211 East Genevieve Street deep in the Southeast.  However, there was another order, just two minutes behind, going to 332 West Wildwood Avenue in the southwest.  Jason figured that he could take them both, since they were both way down there, and nobody wanted to go all that way with a just a single.  A few orders down, he spotted another order, 9410 Diego Street, right behind the store.  Jason figured he could take that one too, since it was close.  Usually, Paul dispatched the drivers, but sometimes they would do it themselves, if it was a no-brainer, like when there’s only one order up.  For this triple, he needed Paul’s approval, and he called over to Paul to have him dispatch the runs.  He stacked the three orders on top of each other, but then realized the bottom order had a pizza and wings, and the weight of the other orders could smash the pizza, so he rearranged them. 
         The first order was very close and took him thirty seconds to get there.  It was a very nice house, with a Lexus in the driveway and a basketball net.  However, the man only tipped him a dollar on a thirty-six dollar order, acting as if he was doing him a favor.  “Rich snob,” Jason thought. 
         The second order was much further, almost to the end of the area.  As Jason got onto California Avenue, he saw a horrific sight; a car had caught on fire.  There were police cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck at the scene.  The woman whose car it was stood on the edge of the street crying; Jason felt bad for her.  The cops blocked off traffic, while the firemen hosed down the car.  Traffic was backed up a bit, but he was able to get through. 
         He kept going down California Avenue, weaving in and out of traffic, passing all the local businesses - pawn shops, car lots, other restaurants, and of course, the unemployment center.  Jason had been there before and hated it; there were all sorts of creepy losers there; he had to wait there all day, and he nothing ever came out of it.  He was glad to have a job, even if it wasn’t in business administration. 
         Going down California Avenue, Jason saw a homeless man bumming change at the stoplight from passing cars. He went up to Jason and asked him for change; Jason felt sorry for the old guy and gave him a quarter.  Jason began to think, “what if I can’t pay the bills and get evicted?  I could end up like him.  Another man was selling newspapers for  a fifty cents; Jason decided to buy one.  Jason passed a cop monitoring the traffic on the street.  Jason gave him the evil eye, which the officer gladly returned.  Jason’s cell phone rang; it was a potential employer; Jason told him he was busy and would call him back later. 
         Despite all these distractions, Jason soon arrived at Genevieve Street.  There were some young men hanging out in the street in front of the house, talking. 
         One of them came up to Jason and asked, “How much do I owe you?”  Jason told him the price, $12.52, and the man gave him fifteen dollars.  That seemed to go well or so he thought.           The next order was down in the slums, West Wildwood Street.  A cheerful black lady answered the door; the order was a large pepperoni and bacon pizza with a cinnamon pie and a side of banana peppers for $17.74. 
         The woman gave Jason a twenty; he began to get her change out of his wallet, but she said, “You can keep that, hun,” literally pushing him out of the doorway.  Jason found that a bit odd and amusing. 
         On his way back, Jason encountered a rude driver, driving a red Toyota Corolla, who deliberately drove in front of him, just to cut him off.  Jason changed lanes, but the other driver did too.  He changed again, and the other driver as well.  Jason eventually passed the other driver, who took a right turn and gave him the finger.  “What an asshole,” he thought, “this guy must have some sort of a grudge against us.” 
         Jason arrived at the store, and Paul was waiting there giving him an eerie look.  “Genevieve never got their order,” he said. 
         “What are you talking about? I just delivered it.” 
         “They say they never got it.”  Jason thought for a moment.  Maybe that guy hanging out in the street wasn’t the one who ordered it.  Maybe, he just saw the pizza and wanted it. 
         “I think I know what happened,” said Jason, “some guy outside came up to me and bought it, but I don’t think he ordered it.”  Jason was the victim of an interception.  An interception was when somebody other than the person who ordered it intercepts the pizza and pays for it. 
         “Well, we’re gonna have to send it back out to them for free, cuz it’s so late.  I’ll have Leonard do it, since he’s going out there anyways.” 
         Jason was busy at the cut table, slicing and boxing pizzas.  He had been inside the store now for forty minutes without a run, and his feet were hurting from standing up so long.  He wanted to get back out on the road again, sit in his comfortable car, and earn tips.  Eventually, an order came in for him.  “Jason, you’ve got an order going to the mall,” said Paul.  “You’re going to the TechnoShack there.”  Jason took his delivery and headed toward Flower Avenue where the Spring Flower Mall was.  First, he had to find a parking space in a very crowded lot; this took like five minutes.  Then he had to walk all the way up to the mall.  Jason got into the mall and didn’t know where to go.  He walked through a department store toward the middle of the mall, hoping to find one of those maps that show the whole layout of the place.  Of course, he passed numerous people on the way.  There were some cute girls who pointed at him and laughed.  Some other kids made rude comments towards him.  After a very long trek, he finally found the TechnoShack.  Jason loved the TechnoShack, as it was full of various electronics and many cool gadgets.  Jason admired the slick stereo systems, laptops, and mp3 players, wishing he could make enough money to afford some of this cool stuff.  His computer at home and was very slow, and he needed a new one.
         “I have two large pizzas for yall; that’s $23.68,” he said.  A nerdy-looking, young man behind the counter handed him twenty-six dollars. 
         “Do you have a GPS for your car?” he asked. 
         “Uh, no, I just use a map.” 
         “Oh, well, you should really consider getting one.  These things are great.  You just put in the address, and it tells you exactly how to get there.”
         “Ok, I’ll think about it,” Jason said, feeling sad that he couldn’t afford this cool gizmo.  Jason exited the TechnoShack; though he had already spent way too much time on this run, he couldn’t resist getting some fresh chocolate-chip cookies at a little stand in the mall and eating them on the way back. 
Jason got back to the store, checked himself in on the computer, and went back to drop his money in his drop box.  As he deposited his cash, Jason noticed a twenty-dollar bill, just lying on there on the ground.  Jason quickly picked it up and stuffed it in his pocket.  “Sweet!” he thought.  He looked around and wondered who had dropped it. 
Jason’s next order was a six-pie order going to Excellent Staffing in the Ridgemont Office Building up on California Avenue.  Here was another chance for a big tip.  The office building was humongous, and it took some time for Jason to find the right entrance.  He lugged the six pizzas up to the door, but it was locked. 
The security guard let him in, “You’ll need to sign in,” he said.  Jason signed in and headed for the elevators, passing many professional people – businessmen in suits and ties, beautiful, classy women with professional, attractive “Ally McBeal” skirts.  Jason wished he had a professional job like they did.  He wanted to date these amazing, successful women.  He wondered if these people looked down on him, since he was in the working class.  Jason rode the elevator up to the eleventh floor and found the staffing office.
A cheerful receptionist greeted him, “Pizza!  Great, I’m glad you’re here.  They need to go in the conference room.  Follow me.”  The employees at Excellent Staffing were busy at work, typing on the computer, reviewing paperwork, talking on the phone a mile a minute, overstimulated on coffee.  He put the pizzas on the conference table; Jason read the receptionist back the order and handed her the credit card receipt, along with a pen.  She signed the receipt for the $63.47 order, filled out fifteen dollars on the tip line, and handed it back to Jason.   
“What kind of staffing do you do here?” he asked. 
“We do staffing for many white-collar, professional jobs - information technology, marketing, accounting, business administration...”
“You know, I have a business degree, but I’ve had some trouble finding work.  Can I come by some time?”
“Of course.  Just give us a call, and we’ll set up an appointment.  Here, let me give you our business card.”  She handed Jason a business card, and he went on his way. 
“One day, I’ll be up here, one of the beautiful people,” he thought. 
Jason scored again; he had another big order, this time twelve pizzas going to the Ford Auto dealership.  As he drove up to the place, he noticed all the shiny new cars.  Jason intensely desired a new car; his 93 Honda Civic had seen better days and was worn out from all this delivery driving.  He walked up to the front of the store, where he saw the local Top 40 radio station had sent up a tent and was broadcasting live from the auto dealership.  They had just finished playing Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much.”
“Come on down to San Diego Ford today where they’ve got amazingly hot deals on all sorts of brand new cars!  They have Escorts, Fiestas, Mustangs, Focus, and many SUV’s.  Right now, for zero down, you can drive home in a brand new Ford automobile!  Good credit, bad credit, no problem!  They have financing for as low as two hundred a month.  We’ve also got free pizza here from Pleasure Pizza!  In fact, I see the delivery driver pulling up right now.  What have you got for us today?” asked the DJ sticking the microphone in Jason’s face. 
Jason was now going to be on the radio!  “I’ve got six large pepperonis and six cheese from Pleasure Pizza, the best Pizza in the world!” he said. 
         “You heard it right here folks.  So come on down to San Diego Ford and get yourself a hot slice of pizza and a hot new car!”  Jason felt very cool; he was famous now.  A slick-looking auto salesman came out and gave Jason his money, six twenties for a ninety-six dollar order.  Jason took his twenty-four dollar tip and left the new car dealership, of course driving his broken-down 93 Civic.           
         Jason had a delivery to the Law Firm of Dysart and McDermott.  He entered the fancy office building and rode up the glass elevator to the top floor.  He found the law office, where lawyers were hard at work, doing research, talking on the phone, and aggressively debating things the way lawyers typically do.  He was approached by a slender, sexy, blonde-haired woman, who looked a lot like Ally McBeal.  Jason always wanted to date a rich lawyer. He ogled her round, fantastic fanny.  “Thanks for coming.  We’re busy working on a case right now and didn’t have time to go to lunch,” she said.
         Jason began, “I’ve got a large chicken and mushroom for you, $12.52.”
         The woman handed Jason a twenty, “Just keep it.”
         Jason tried to strike some conversation with the hot female attorney.  “So you had any interesting cases lately?”
         “Actually, we had one, where we were defending a pizza company, whose driver hit a pedestrian.  She was paralyzed from the neck down.  A word to the wise, if you ever hit somebody, back up and finish the job.  A wrongful death action is much cheaper than a personal injury suit.”           
         “Thanks.  I’ll keep that in mind.”
         “The company had this rule that customers would get the pizza for free, if it was late.  Their delivery time was thirty minutes, and the driver was flying all over town like a mad man apparently.”
         “I see.”
         “We ended up settling for two hundred thousand dollars.  It put the pizza place out of business.”
         “Oh, my God.”
         “So be careful out there and watch your driving.”
         “I’ll be sure to do that.  By the way, I think you’re very attractive.  Can I get your number?”
         “Thanks, but I’m married.  But here’s my business card.  Call me if you get into any legal trouble.”
         “Thank you.”
Jason exited the law office, feeling a little rejected and a little worried.
Jason’s next order was a four-pie order going to the Church of Eternal Sunshine.  He arrived at the church and went inside.  It was a beautiful church, with many ornaments, decorations, sculptures, and a pew with a few petitioners, sitting and praying.  There was a great vat of holy water near the front entrance and a giant cross on the wall at the other end.
An elderly priest came up to Jason, “God bless you, my son; you have brought us nourishment.”
“Thank you, father.  I have four cheese pizzas for you.”
“Please, follow me to the recreation room,” said the priest.  Jason went to the room, and spread the pizzas out on the table.  The priest gave Austin a fifty for the $44.72 order.  “Here’s the money for the pizza and a little extra for you.  I know you guys don’t make much, and I want to help you as much as I can.  I’m sorry I can’t give you more.”
“That’s ok.  Thank you.”
“Would you like to join our church?” said the priest, “Please come to our service this  Sunday.”
“Um, Ok, I’ll see if I can make it.”  Jason actually had plans though to sleep off his hang-over from the club the night before.  “You know, this job can be very trying sometimes, father.”
“Perhaps, this is an important test God has chosen for you.  Maybe you are supposed to learn something significant from it.  The lord works in mysterious ways.  Take solace and comfort in God, my son; he will always be there for you.  Honor the lord, by living an honest life and giving of yourself.” 
“I try to live a good life, but sometimes I sin.  I have unmarried sex and occasionally drink alcohol.”
“Well, the lord will forgive you for that.  What’s most important is showing compassion for others.  And remember that Jesus loves you.”
“Thank you, father.” 
“Be careful out there, my son.  May the lord watch over you in your travels.”
Jason left the church, feeling spiritually enlightened. 
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