Love letter

What do you want me to do?
I can't save the world without killing myself.
No matter how hard I beg you, plead with you, you haven't changed. You still cut, and everything.
And I only just realized that I can't make that into my problem.
I never left you, and I never will leave you.
You know I'll always be there.
I'm taking a break from everyone, as a matter of fact, not just you.
I need it.
The point is:
I'm taking this hiatus because I realized that trying so hard to keep you out of trouble and forcing my opinions down your throat was going to kill me, and probably wouldn't help you either.
I don't know what happened to what we had. Half of our interactions are filled with this weird tension now, and I don't know what caused it, and all I know is that I really wish that it could be the way it was, and I'm willing to try to make it the way it was.
You know me too well to think I would ever leave you.
I'm always gonna be there, whether you want me or not.
You were the best friend I ever had, too.
something changed, though. Something broke, shattered, and all I could feel was the same thing I've felt so many times: the same, grasping, slipping feeling of having someone fall through my fingers, yet again.
No matter how much I hate it, it's happening again, and I'm only now realizing that I'm powerless to stop it.
I can't change you, make you into the person I want you to be, no matter how hard I try.
What you do for yourself is your choice, and it's not fair of me to try to interfere.
But, don't think that because I'm not going to try to save you, it means that I'm leaving.
You know I love you, and what we have now is different than what we had before, and I want to literally kill the person that caused it.
If you want to leave me, you can leave me, but just know that I'm never going to leave you, no matter how hard you try.
You can leave me forever, never talk to me again, give me a final goodbye, and I will still be there for you.
But I need to save myself.
I know now that what I was trying to do was impossible. I can't change people, I can't save people, and I can't try to make people the way I think they should be.
The change has to come from within.
When you told me the reason you didn't cut was because of me, it broke my heart, because everything I did was pointless.
I was trying to show you the light, all that shit, I was trying to get you to see things the way I saw them, where cutting and getting drunk have no meaning.
But, obviously, I can't do that.
Don't think that I'm leaving you, don't think that I'm giving up on you, and don't think that we're over, because no matter how hard you push me away, I'll still be there.
You can try to get me to hate you, like you did with that girl, and I never will.
You can try to keep me from caring, but I always will.
If you want to leave, leave, but don't ever for a second think I'm leaving you.
I want what we had, too, but I feel like I can genuinely say that since then you've changed, and I have, too.
And honestly, I'm not sure if it was for the better.
I'm sure you could see me trying to reclaim what we had: casually ignoring terrible conversations we had had the night before, trying to be exactly like we were, and sometimes I really did feel it, I really did, but then something would come along and fuck everything over yet again, because we're both different people now.
I want to kill him so much.
I want to light his fucking house on fire and have him burn alive inside it, for breaking what we had.
I know you know who I'm talking about, and I know you don't want me to blame him, but I really want to kill him. I really do. But I won't.
I try to do so much for you, and I keep on trying and trying, but yesterday, I realized that it's not something I can do, it's not my fault, and if I keep burdening myself with problems that aren't mine, I'll end up crushing under their weight.
I love you so much, and I'll always be there, no matter what you say, or what I say, or what you do, or what I'll do, I'll always be there.