Grandmother's Wish

I know you're watching down on me,
So sorry for my lack of wisdom,
Each and every move I've made I know you see.
My intentions were not to ever be a disappointment,
What I am now I truly never aspired to be.

You were my guidance, my angel, my mother,
Your loss hit me straight to the soul.
A tragedy more painful than any other,
Without you beside me
I couldn't envision living life any longer.

Somehow I had to find strength and be strong,
Though my weakness always seemed to sneak through,
But how could I succeed in life without my best friend,
To survive in life I needed you.

You had me headed in the right direction,
Obviously I strayed the wrong way too many times.
The choices I made were immature,
But I assumed they would help leave the pain behind.

It was successful for a length of time,
However the escape was only temporary.
Each time I woke up and came back to,
Reality still remained painful and scary.

While watching my life over time,
You have every right to be ashamed.
But if you were there would I have made better decisions?
Or is it in my hopelessness that my life
Would still have remained the same?

I miss you so unimaginably,
Though I know you reside in a heavenly place, resting peacefully,
But i'm still dwelling in hell on Earth and I wish for you to be here with me.
In the end, all I long for in this life,
Is for you to one day be completely proud of me.

-JLBarrow-