GOD's powers baffles many

God's Powers Still Baffles Many

By Isay Fockem

Five trillion years after the discovery of his existence, millions are still confused about what type of powers God really has. On a recent door-to-door tour, Jehovah Witness' recruits conducted a study, in which, over 85 % of the population had their own opinion of what God can and can not do. However, most agreed that God does not make mistakes.

Kaycee Stephens, a Florida woman, reportedly confirmed God's ability to help her pay her credit bill.

"I don't know what happened, really. I just knew one day, I stopped spending my college loans on pornography. Next thing I know, I'm miraculously writing checks to Ameri-debt. It was only through the grace of God that saved me from filing chapter 13," she told Jehovah witnesses.

The Jehovah Witness' recruiters apparently got athletes involved. Athletes overwhelmingly agreed that one of God's main abilities was definitely to help win games.

"Do you really think I could've made that touchdown wthout God's intervention? I mean, come on," stated Greg Jones, a high school quarterback.

Also polled were rich people and rappers, both, agreeing that God gives money to those who deserve it.However, there were people who disagreed with the extension of God's abilities.

Jack, the smelly homeless guy, a 42 year old man who can usually be found at the exits of expressways throughout Atlanta, had this to say about God:

"If God was so good, then he wouldn't have rained on my cardboard home. I mean, sure, people will say the Devil did it, but, what about the farmers who thank God for giving them rain for their crops? If you ask me God ain't nothing but an ol' cracka ass cracka."

Micheal Black, an atheist, had a few comments of his own to say about God.

"Look, I can't explain this any simpler. God is a fragile thing. Just a little science mixed with some common sense and we'd notice the magical fade out of this God or whoever."

Unfortunately, Micheal was struck by lightning and killed two minutes after this statement.

Those who didn't believe that God was a 'cracka ass cracka', but did believe he did not possess the powers that he advertises were crippled cripples...or whatever.

Timothy, paralyzed from the waist down, stated, "I've prayed to God for 15 years. Every fucking day and every fucking night. I'm still in this damn wheelchair. Look at me! Look at me!" he yelled shortly before falling out of his chair. After hours of screaming, "I can do it myself," Timothy was finally placed back in his chair by a few of the neighborhood kids. The kids are usually known for laughing at him when he attempts to participate in a game of basketball.

Back in his chair, Timothy finished his statement, "God could had at least left me feeling in my balls."

At the time of press, God could not be reached for comment. However, he released this statement through his publicist, the Pope:

"When people go blind, who's idea is it to provide them with a dog? What about all the rap abums I've inspired? I don't have to explain what I can and cannot do. Besides, I don't recall people thanking their alarm clocks for waking them up, can I get a witness? I'm very busy so I can't be everywhere at once. I'm a single father and I have to answer millions of prayers from all over the world. And on top of that, I'm trying to find a way to get Timothy some feeling in his balls.When any of you start lending out your hands to help rub some magic back into people's balls, then we'll talk about my powers."

As of press release, Timothy still did not have feeling in his balls.