My actions that bring me to a life....

This is my first story online so i will just write how my life has become to what it is now.(But i can hardly call it a life)



My first memory;

I was walking home from my friends house on a sunny day, I was about 4 years of age. When i arrived home i saw my puppy lying on the ground dead. He was attacked by two dolmations, his stomach was ripped open and his intestines were hanging out, it looks as if they were chewed on. He was in a pool of blood, I nearly laughed with depression until i noticed something, I noticed that he took in a deep breath...... He was still alive. Things that happened after was a blur.



My sister is the one who started my decline of what is so called a life, she bullied me constantly, locking me in wardrobes for days, my parents looked at it as childs play, she poured coke all over my head and took my friends away. My parents only began to care when, at the age of 13, she smacked my mom on the cheek in front of her friends and got away with it. But there were so many things that lead up to that moment. Whenever i opened my mouth, I got a kick in it.

  I remember i was in my friends house, Kate. My sister called me gay for no reason other then to hurt me, we were only 5 when this happened, I didn't touch her, i just called her lesbian...... She kicked me between the legs and i fell the the ground, then she kneed me in the face..... Lovely. I suppose thats why i never talked when i was a child.

  What made me never get involved with anyone elses problems is a different story. My parents were going out for dinner and they decided that we could take care of ourselves, my sister was watching tv, she was about 9, i was 7, and my brother was 3.

My brother was playing loudly in the corner and my sister decided it was better to drag him upstairs by his feet to his room rather then increase the volume on the tv. I couldn't stand to see my 3 year old brother in pain so i decided to tell her to leave him alone, what a mistake that was, i got another kick between the legs and accompanied by that, i got a nice push down the stairs. I decided to stay in my room with a headache and wait for my parents to come home so i can tell them what happened, however, what i didnt realise that my sister called my dads phone to tell them what happened, only her role was switched with mine and my brother, acting in fear, agreed with my sister. For the next few years it was me talking to my one friend Ryan. He was my best friend for 12 years, he took a two week holiday with my family and didn't talk to me since then. I don't blame him.



I suppose you all have heard enough about my "childhood", so i will skip to secondary school.



My first day was an embarrasment, i acted as if i was in college and that day i remember thinking that when my brother is here, i will treat him like an adult. However, he has noticed the way my sister gets nearly everything by disrespect and bullying, so he decided to follow my sisters behaviour, however I'm going to be a parent that I never had.

For the first three years i had very few friends, actually none. I was feared more then liked. I was in second year when i first tried to kill myself and i know why. My sister was doing her junior cert so my mom tried to make a schedual for her, but my sister refused to do it so my mom decided to use me as an example.

It was full of chores and study, i had 20 minutes a day to do what i wanted, an hour on weekends. I went with it for a week, couldnt talk to anyone, couldnt play. I tried to hang myself but the rope broke unfortunately. I remember my dads words exactly once he saw the mess "If you want to kill yourself, do it right". Just thinking about this makes my eyes water, because all i wanted to do my entire life was make him proud. I went to counciling every two weeks for 6 months. Useless. I knew that these people couldnt help at all, since then i have been keeping my parents out of my life, cause i never want to go back there.



One year later I got a snake, the reason why was because i took an exam to go into this camp called C.T.Y.I.  I never wanted to go but i got a laptop for going, it was a camp for people who were very intellegent with Maths and/or English. I got in with maths. Thats where I had my first kiss, at the age of 15, I remember it, we opened our moths four times. I regret those moments more then anything. Her name was Esmeralda, I called her Esme. She lived in spain, we talked every day, all day on Skype. I quit World of Warcraft for her.



I saw her twice that summer, i convinced my dad to drive me, my sister and her friend to Logrono in La rioja, but what we didnt know was that we got the wrong house. Her family was in their holiday home 500 miles away, they had to drive back and drive us to the holiday home again, so they drove 1500 miles that morning. Not a good first impression. I remember our first toungue kiss was on the beach there in Vinaros. It lasted about 20 minutes. I stayed for two days then drove back to France. Near the end of the summer she came to Ireland for a week. Nobody except us thought it would last. We were counting down to the day we would next see each other. We were talking about What we would do and we agreed that we would make love, we were both  virgins. I arrived and we made love 3 days before i had to go home, we did it 3 times in two days.

We then waited to see each other around easter time. This is when i made one of my first sacrafices for her other then being faithful, respectful etc. I went on this program called IMVU, it was full of depressed teenagers telling each other their problems, I decided to help as many as I could, this didn't make Esme happy, she was an only child so she was used to having alot of attention. So she made me stop talking to the friends i made on it. I stopped talking to them all except two. This made Esme think i was cheating on her with them, even though they both lived in the U.S.A. Because of this, i decided to take a break from her, I went to a camp, the same one, CTYI. We were broken up and i kissed another girl called..... I'll leave her name scilent, don't wan't her to know. Well Esme decided that we weren't broken up and she came to Ireland, It was too late for her to change her mind and I couldn't let her be in a country knowing nobody. I went to spain for a bit to be with her, she kept telling me that i cheated on her, without proof, and when she came to Ireland she had her own room, which i visited everyday for nearly 9 months, with 3 of 4 exceptions, so we got up to alot, I was 16 and she was 18, She kept asking me for a child, obviously i told her i wasnt ready, but she pretty much gave me an option, give her a kid when i was 17 so i could be 18 when he was born, or break up with her. This was my first relationship so i decided to give it to her but my parents wouldn't be happy. So we got engaged, i know. She really pushed me into it, I was 16, the news spread really quickly, even my teachers knew. However, this is when i decided to tell Esme that i kissed another girl at CTYI. She thought that she could have a 3some with my friend which is a guy. I allowed it because i thought it was just going to be once, and if it made her happy, well, thats all i cared about.

But, then this guy called Robert Swan came into the picture, he was a friend and he recently broke up with his gf from iceland. We invited him to a BBQ where I let Esme cheer him up, but something grew between the two of them. He had a sleepover with esme and me, we pulled an all nighter, It ended with the three of us topless and us two kissing Esme, I was really depressed at this time to know she was happy with another guy, and we were engaged.



At this point i would like anyone who is reading this to think what they would feel if the woman/man you were engaged to acted like this.



  (Esme moved out of her apartment and moved into a cottage at the bottom of my garden at this time.)



Rob began to show up the cottage before i finished school, I told Esme I wasnt happy with it, she got mad and told me i was a terrible bf and that i didnt care about her happyness and she needs both of us to be happy, I was so depressed that i cut myself and stabbed myself in the leg with a fork, i still have the scars.

  Next thing I remember is lying in bed, my back turned to them, she was sitting on his waste kissing him and them calling eachother sexy in so many different languages. I saw something sitting on a desk beside the bed. It was a photo of Esme and me at a BBQ before Rob came into the picture, I was crying silently. Finally, one of em asked me if i was ok, I said yeah, they said ok and went on what they continued with whatever they were doing for another 20 minutes, 20 minutes of her cheating on me with my best man, THE BEST MAN!! in my house, in a bed i was in at the same time, they asked me if i was ok, I said no, stood up, threw the picture on the bed and said "That was the Esme that i fell in love with", i tried to walk away but esme pulled me back to the bed, at the same time Rob left and esme chased after him, I cut myself down, rather then across, it was with a jagged dagger, so i literally felt everything, At this time i blacked out and woke to find my dad wrapping a wet towel around my neck, i was told that i was trying to kill myself for the two hours that i blacked out. How much i wished I never woke up from that moment.



I look at my arm now and see pink lines going across my skin.



Next i was on facebook, I saw my friends gf was online and i decided to talk to her, she told me she broke up with him so i decided to talk to her in person to see if she was ok, Esme didn't like this and spread rumours abour her and me. A rumour that made me lose nearly all friends. But my friends gf had feelings for me so i asked her out.



(A week before Esme left Robert and we made love. That same day she cheated on me again, that was the last day i touched her)



I went out with the Girl and I lost her bf as a friend, but the day before my friend sent me the message saying we are no longer friends, there was a party, at the party the girl asked for a free pass, i wasnt even thinking when i said it, i walked upstairs to find her in the arms of another person, and guess who was sitting beside them, Rob. For the next hour or two I was sitting on a swing in the dark until i decided to  go home, on the way home i was jumped by two crowds of Rob's friends, I was not in the mood to run so i decided to stay and take on three guys, I knocked two of em out then ran, but as i ran, one of em threw a rock at the back of my head, I kept running until i arrived at a park, thats when i noticed a small river of blood going down my back.

  As i was talking through the park, four guys started charging at me, Skangers, I took on the four of them without a scratch. ( I was learning Kung Fu for a while)



Well now, one month later i'm here writing to you. I was just at the doctors cause of the black outs. My heart is out of control, I dont know how much longer I live. The doctor says no longer then 5 years, and I'm only 17.



My parents don't know cause I made him keep quiet about it.



And now i am so happy because i know that i dont have to kill myself, I just have to wait