The Baptism

The Baptism
Claude Barrette and I got religion. We got that religion from a Holiness Church that had a couple of real pretty girls as members. It was easy to get religion with all those pretty girls around. They wouldn’t talk to you if you didn’t get religion, because you were nothing but a sinner. So, we got some of that religion one Sunday!
Only boys who had religion, and got it from their church, could talk to them. You dang sure couldn’t get to kiss them or maybe feel their boobies if you didn’t have religion from their church. So we both got saved at a Sunday morning altar call at their church.
Claude and I were standing at the back of the church service, which was outside. We were watching girls boobies bounce up and down when they shouted and prayed. It was awesome to see some of those girls and women get “The Spirit” and shout. They would jump all over the place and their boobies would shake something fierce.
Anyway, this particular day we were watching and waiting for the snake handling to start. They had spread out a dinner that all the women had brought, but you couldn’t eat it until the services were over with. Those women always brought good food to eat.
They were a Snake Handling church, you see. We had caught two great big rattlesnakes and brought them to the church. We gave them to a deacon, who took them out of the sack we brought them in and put them in a wooden box. I guess that box was called a “Snake Handling box.”
You could hear those two big snakes shaking their rattles and trying to get out, so I watched the box pretty closely to make sure they didn’t escape and come toward me. We had caught them up by the sand caves at Cumberland Gap, on Cumberland Mountain.
We used a stick that was forked, and caught the snakes behind their heads and pinned them down to the ground. Then Claude would catch them by the neck, close to their heads, and put them in the sack. Those snakes had all their fangs and we knew they were poisonous and would kill you if they bit you.
The snakes were now in the box and the box was up close to the altar. Those people wouldn’t start handling them until someone was “moved by the spirit” to do so, and Claude and I were waiting for that spirit to start moving them. We both wanted to see if those snakes would bite someone and kill them. We stayed close to those snakes, just in case. You never want to miss someone getting bit by a rattlesnake! Unfortunately for us, nobody was “moved by the spirit to handle snakes,” this day. Darn!
The Preacher was beginning to call people to get salvation. That was called the “Alter Call.” He looked very serious, holy, and sort of mean, to me.
“Anyone who wants to be saved must accept Jesus as his Savior.  The ONLY way to get salvation is by coming up to the altar and praying for salvation through Jesus,” He hollered the message out real loud.
People started going up to the altar and kneeling down and praying for that salvation. I saw Roberta Lawson and Jolene Steadman go up there and kneel down, and in about ten seconds they were jumping up and down with salvation. Their boobies were what I was looking at, however, since neither of them had very pretty faces. They both had developed very big chests, though, and they were using them to good effect while jumping up and down and hollering “Praise the Lord” and stuff.
“Come on, David, let’s go,” Claude said to me as he moved toward the girls. He headed toward the altar. I followed him and he got on one side of Roberta and I got on the other side of her. We began to holler as loud as we could to make sure everyone knew we were getting some of that holiness salvation.
I could feel Roberta as she got up, so I got up with her. We began to dance around and scream and she got right up against me with her chest.
“Holy Cow, this is turning out better than I thought it would,” I said to myself.
Roberta had her boobies right in my face, almost, and I could smell her sweat. She was really hot and didn’t smell all that good. I didn’t mind at all, as most people smelled pretty bad in the summer, anyway. I wondered what her boobies would smell like?
Roberta suddenly tripped on my feet and fell down. I stopped to help her up and some of the women started shouting at her that God had knocked her down with his Holy Spirit. I guess maybe God made my foot get in her way and trip her.
Roberta just started shaking on the ground, under the spirit, I guess. I walked away and found Claude, who was standing next to a girl named Sarah Lawson. She didn’t have any boobies, so I couldn’t figure why Claude was standing by her.
“Claude, now that we got some religion, lets get some of that fried chicken and potato salad to eat,” I said to him.
I noticed Claude was holding hands with Sarah. What in the world, was he crazy? I looked again to be sure I was seeing what I thought I saw. I was right. They were holding hands right there for everyone to see. I think Claude went crazy that day, to let all those people see them holding hands.
“You go ahead, David. I am going to stay here with Sarah until we go to get baptized. I will find you when we start walking to the place the preacher is going to baptize us at.”
Baptized? I didn’t know anything about getting baptized.
“What are you talking about, Claude? You and me have both been baptized already. I was just a little baby when I got baptized, and you too,” I said to him.
“Well, it seems we have to be baptized in this church to get salvation, David. The preacher said that Catholic baptism ain’t no good for getting us in heaven, so we must go with Sarah and these other girls to get baptized.” Claude winked at me when Sarah couldn’t see, so I knew he had some plan in mind to see one of those girl’s things.
“Alright, Claude, I am ready as soon as I eat a couple pieces of that chicken and potato salad.” I wasn’t about to leave until I ate some of the chicken and potato salad. They also had some deviled eggs, which I had never tasted before.
Those deviled eggs were holiness food, I think, and they named them for the devil. I believed that if you ate some deviled eggs, the devil would leave you alone. I wanted him to leave me alone, anyway.
I thought it was sort of like eating “angel food cake,” so the angels would like you.  I really wanted to eat some of those good looking deviled eggs.
I went over to the tables where the women were standing around. The preacher already had a plate of food and a cup of coffee, so I ambled over beside him and picked up a plate and looked at the old woman who was serving food. She looked at me and sort of shook her head in disgust. I don’t think she believed I had gotten saved at all.
“Here, boy, take a couple pieces of this chicken. You look like you could use a few good meals. Does’t your mom feed you at home? What is your name, anyway, boy?”
“My name is David Rains. I am Nancy Rains’ son, and William Rains, too.”
“Nancy Rains? You mean Nancy Sykes, who married Bill Rains? Tom Sykes and Minnie Whitaker’s daughter is your Mom? Why I have known your grandmother for years. She is a witch, you know. Do your Mom and Grandmother know you are here?”
“Oh Yes, I lied as smoothly as a hungry boy looking at a plate of fried chicken could lie. “My mom doesn’t care if I am here getting some religion.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound like the Nancy Rains I know. I bet she would kick your butt from here to Georgia if she knew you were here with all us Christians. Witches don’t believe in going to church, you know, and I have known Nancy to do some things to people that would make your hair stand up. Take this plate and go on over there with that other wild boy, your friend Claude.”
I took my plate and wandered off to find Claude and his new girl friend. They had disappeared somewhere, so I sat down on a big rock and started eating my chicken. I was in a hurry to finish so I could get some deviled eggs and cake for dessert. Maybe some pie, too. I was skinny, but I had a good appetite when it came to good tasting food.
Just as I finished my chicken, Jolene Steadman came running up to me and said to come on with her to the water hole. The baptizing was going to start. That darned old preacher had to be the fastest eater in the world to have finished his food so soon. I quick gobbled down the last piece of chicken and started back to the table for dessert.
“Come on, David, you don’t have time for more food. Lets get started walking so we can be with the others. We are all going to sing “Shall we gather at the river” together as we walk down to the creek to get baptized.”
Holy cow.  No time for the deviled eggs and cake? I quick shook Jolene’s hand loose and ran back to the table and got two eggs and a piece of cake. Both my hands were full of food, which I was stuffing in my mouth as I ran to catch up with old Jolene.
As I was trying to eat, I wasn’t watching where I was running, so I tripped and fell over a large rock. My knee was bleeding a little, but I did not drop any of that food. I sat on the ground and finished my dessert before I got up.
Jolene was waiting impatiently for me as I dusted myself off and ran to join her. We caught up with the others soon, and joined the group of saved boys and girls to be baptized. Most of those saved boys and girls looked pretty dumb and stupid to me. Sort of like Jolene looked, now that I think about it. They were all talking and singing snatches of hymns they had learned in church.
Soon the creek, which was a branch of lower yellow creek, came into sight. The old swimming hole we called the “Hopper Hole” was where we would be baptized. I had never swum there before and did not know the terrain. I thought the preacher probably did know it, though, since he used it when he baptized people. I hoped it wasn’t too deep. I was not a very good swimmer, and if he dropped me, who knew what might happen?
I decided to let Claude be baptized first, so I could see how deep it was. The swimming hole was well defined. It was just a big hole of water that looked deep to me.
“Lets all sing,” someone hollered. All those Holiness people started singing a song about getting baptized. It went like this:
Shall we gather at the river,
Where old angel’s feet have trod,
Shall we gather at the river,
That flows from the throne of God.
I couldn’t help thinking that this creek didn’t flow from God. It came out of Yellow Creek by way of Straight Creek, and then into Stinking Creek, which had gotten its name because it stunk like rotten eggs. My father told me it stunk because it had Sulpher in it. I didn’t know what sulpher was, but that creek sure did stink. By the time that creek became lower Yellow Creek most of the stink was gone, and it didn’t smell too bad.
         The girls and women all gathered around the side of the creek, and the men stood somewhat apart from them. I don’t know why they separated like that, but I think they didn’t believe men and women should get too close to each other. That church did not allow any women preachers or anything, except women shouting and rolling on the floor.
         Almost all the girls had their shoes off by now, and it looked like they might all get in the water with the preacher. That preacher was already in the swimming hole, and I saw he had left his shoes on and had not rolled up his pants legs.
I guess the one doing the baptizing had to leave his shoes on or something, but the ones getting baptized had to take their shoes off. I really didn’t want to take off my shoes because my socks might have holes in them. They did have holes in them, of course. I wished I had changed those darned socks this morning.
“All you folks getting baptized take off your shoes and roll up your pants legs. You girls can just pull your skirts up above your knees so you don’t get too wet. I want to start off with one of those Catholic sinners that just got saved, since they need to be baptized worse than anyone else here, to cleanse them of their terrible sins,” the preacher hollered out.  He was talking about me and Claude, of course!
He looked right at me when he hollered. We were the only Catholics saved at his church, and he had no respect for the Old Pope of Rome, against whom he was always preaching. He had implied several times that Claude and I were Catholic agents of the devil, or something to that effect. I wished I were such a devil’s agent, so I could make him disappear or something. Maybe I could see all the girl’s things, too.
I looked at Claude to signal him to go first, but he wouldn’t look at me. He acted like he was looking at his girl, Sarah. Claude was going to make me go first, when that had always been his job. He was a lot bigger than me, and he wasn’t afraid of stuff. Until today, at this water hole, at least. I was too ashamed to holler at him to go first, so I rolled up my pants and took off my shoes, and showed everyone my holey socks.
Jolene Steadman was looking at me with a funny look on her face. She looked like she thought she loved me, or something, and I looked away real quick. I didn’t want old Jolene to think I liked her, because I didn’t. She had a really ugly nose and she had no boobies. I did not want a girl friend that had no boobies. Who would, except Claude, who was standing by Sarah.  Her boobies were even smaller than Jolene’s, for Pete’s sake.
I started toward the water and suddenly Jolene grabbed my hand.
“I will go with you, David, and help you get baptized,” She said.
I pulled my hand away from her real quick, and stepped into the water toward that preacher. He grabbed me by the back of my neck and the belt of my pants, and started praying. He said in a real loud voice:
“Oh Lord, please have mercy on this terrible sinner. He has wasted his life serving that old Pope of Rome, and now he has come to you through Jesus and been SAVED. Please accept him into the Bride of Christ as a true Christian.”
What? Bride of Christ? That sounded like he wanted me to be a girl! I tried to pull away from him, but he had me in a tight grip and it was no use. I was going to be baptized whether I liked it or not. At least old Claude would be next, I thought to myself. Now another man, brother Fletcher, had stepped up beside me and was holding my other arm. There was no escape for me.
That preacher was talking again, while looking up at God and heaven, I guess.
“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost I baptize thee my brother into the Holiness Church of Jesus in God.”
Splash and wham, and he dunked me about ten feet deep. He held me there until I was drinking water to keep from drowning, and then brought me up for air. I was coughing and hacking for breath, and spitting water everywhere. Brother Fletcher had me by the arm and was steering me toward the shore. Several boys and girls, including Jolene Steadman, were waiting to help me get back onto the bank of the creek.
I saw Claude had stepped down almost in the water, and had Sarah with him. She was holding his hand, too. I gave her the evil eye just for the heck of it, to let her know she was taking my best friend away from me, but she just smiled at me. She had to be dumber than old Jolene was. I saw the prettiest girl there, Lavinia Lambert. She had smiled at me once and never looked at me again. She had some nice boobies, too.
As brother Fletcher helped me up the bank Claude hollered out loud:
“David, David, you got a snail or something on your leg. It is stuck to you”
A snail? I looked down and to my horror saw several dark slimy things on my leg. I tried to brush them off, but they were stuck. I couldn’t get them off my leg, and that scared me really bad. What in the world kind of snails are these? I thought. I started screaming: “HELP, HELP, these snails won’t come off me, somebody help me.”
Them ain’t snails, brother David, they are Leeches,” brother Fletcher said as he started to help me get them off.
“LEECHES, oh no. Leeches are bloodsuckers. They will suck my blood worse than a tick would, or a vampire, and kill me for sure.”
I yanked free of brother Fletcher and pulled my pants completely off. I started running around in circles through the crowd. I didn’t even worry about anybody seeing my thing, which I knew was shrunken to nothing by now. The women and girls split and gave me room, while all the girls screamed and shouted for someone to save my life. Finally Claude and brother Fletcher tackled me and held me down. Brother Fletcher started pulling those leeches off my legs and feet. I had about ten of them on me, but he was getting them off pretty easy, it seemed. I had my eyes shut, and couldn’t really see how many there were, because I didn’t like to look at nasty stuff.
“You can open your eyes, brother David. They are all off, unless there are some under your shorts,” brother Fletcher said in my ear.
I grabbed my shorts and looked under them to see if there were any leeches under there. Thank God there were none, or those shorts would have joined my pants on the ground. I wouldn’t have hesitated one second to strip buck naked in front of all those Holiness women and girls if I had seen a leech under my shorts.
Suddenly I realized a girl was holding my pants out for me to take and put on. It was Lavinia, and she was smiling at me. She was also looking at my skinny legs, and I knew she was tickled at seeing such bony legs on a boy. I hated her right then.
“Here David, put your pants on. Those leeches are not going to kill you, they just suck a little blood out, is all,” She said laughingly.
I saw a little blood on my legs from where those leeches had sucked on my skin, but I was determined not to panic and start running again. I had to be brave, and show those girls that I could “take it like a man.” Whatever the heck that meant. I had heard my mom say it as she was spanking me, you see.
I put my pants and shoes on and looked for Claude. It was time for him to get sucked dry by leeches. He was standing by the water looking at the preacher.
“Come on in, Claude Barrette, you Catholic sinner, and be baptized for the remission of your sins,” the preacher hollered out to Claude. Brother Fletcher started toward Claude to help him into the water so the preacher could baptize him. Sarah was still holding Claude’s hand, and gazing at his face lovingly. What a jerk she was.
Suddenly old Claude jerked his hand free from Sarah and turned and charged through the crowd of Holiness people. He was running like a wild horse up the creek bank and over the hill. Old Claude was gone in a flash, leaving us all standing there with our mouths open. I couldn’t believe Claude had run away, but I was really glad to see he hadn’t lost his mind completely enough to get baptized, as I had.
The preacher was hollering at Claude to come back, but it was too late. I tied my shoes and made my way around the edge of the crowd. They were all still looking at Claude run, and hollering for him to come back As soon as I saw I could make a clean run I broke away from those Holiness people and ran after Claude.
I stopped when I knew I was too far away from them to be caught, and looked back at them. I looked at Jolene Steadman, and then the preacher.
I hollered out as loud as I could to the crowd of Holiness people,
“I reckon me and Claude are just agents of that old POPE of ROME, after all, and we are going to Rome to see him right now.”  Heck, I didn’t even know where Rome was. Then I turned and galloped over the hill, on my imaginary horse, after my best friend and Indian Companion Claude Barrette.
I never went back to get any more of that salvation. I did miss getting their fried chicken and deviled eggs and cake, however. And seeing those Holiness girl’s boobies bounce up and down in religious ecstasy.

David S. Rains
“This story is based on true childhood experience.”
THE END