Forced Choice's Of Love

CHAPTER 1: A MOTHER’S LOVE A FATHER’S DESPITE

Life is made up of choice’s, thing’s that will basically make you or break you. That good or bad choice is like a chess move, to get to the queen’s spot and declare your success. Life is planned for you while you’re in the warm nestled area of your mothers stomach , until you are of age and have a say in the world then, you can plan for your self. When I walked across the stage at my graduation to receive my high school diploma I had a plan ; to make my parents proud and, of course go to college, graduate, and have a career making a lot of money. Unfortunately, as the rain violently hit the car window, I thought to myself where did it all go?

Coming out of my mindless daze I heard my mom’s devilish voice say “ I need an answer by the time we make it to the house”. We were only about five minutes away from the house, how could I make such a big decision in so little time? My mother was a strong woman, since she sacrificed a lot for me alone being that I was the oldest of three. Even though my mom didn’t really stick to her plan by having me right after she graduated high school and leaving college behind, we have a nice, financially stable life. While my parents marriage was digging its own grave, my mom still had time to help me with my college applications, take my sister to her video shoots and recitals, and tend to my little brother’s “mommy can I?” nagging questions. I knew deep down my mother was in a lot of emotional pain and horribly stressed so I gave her the answer I knew she wanted to hear : “yes”.

My mother and I were off to a bad start in the beginning of my teenage life when I was  just starting my first year of high school. My mother had just been caught cheating by my oldest play sister, she had told me the details about how my mother made me join the band because it would help her continue her affair with the assistant band director and make it easier for her to sneak around. My play sister also explained how she didn’t care anything about what I was doing with the band. My whole existence with the band didn’t mean nothing to my mother and that hurt me a lot, but what was worst was the fact that my mother was cheating on my father with my high school assistant band director.

We went together to tell my dad the unfortunate news, scared and unsure of what he would have done we went out on a limb, not knowing what would go through his mind when we told him what was really going on with my mother and this alleged man she was having an affair with. When he came home he was happy and ready to be with his family, and my mom was out so this was the perfect time to tell him, and although it might not have been the perfect time for my dad to hear bad news, we had to tell him; it was his right to know what was really going on with his wife. When he heard the horrible news he took it okay, or at least that’s what it seemed like to us back then cause we were younger we didn’t really understand pain to well. He just sat down and stared at the window, and now that I‘m older I realize that he was hurt and he needed time  to process all the information that was just given to him. That day by itself changed my dad’s life, and he never looked at my mother the same way, but she was still our mother, My siblings and I were the mistakes which are now the blessings of his life, he never regrets us no matter what happens.

Days had went by before he actually took charge about the whole situation, he took my mothers car and wrote all over it in big capitalized white letters the word adultery and took it to the high school parking lot down the street from us. He basically took the car to the school I preformed in the band at. Everyone at that school knew that was her car and they also got the hint about what was going on, and even though he had did that to hurt my mom, it also resulted in hurting my social life at school. My mother woke up to see that her car was gone, and got a call about the condition of her car, she was furious to the fullest amount. She called my dad cursing, screaming, and using all the most hatful words in the dictionary. That’s when everything started to change in my families life in general; I was in for the worst and I didn’t see it coming.

Weeks had went by and my mother and father were not even looking at each other; my mother had moved in to an apartment down the street from the little blue house my siblings and I had grown up in. My dad started moving my siblings and I into a bigger house with my grandmother, leaving behind the horrible past of my mother, and the house we started our life in. We had not seen our mother in months, and my siblings and I had started attending new schools because the location of our new home was further out of our usual school district, we were starting over with new friends, and new uniforms. Everything was new, but without my mother it didn‘t feel the same. We were not fully settled in our new house so, my dad would drive my siblings and I an hour everyday from our old house to our new schools and get us there on time every time. After a while I started noticing my dad looked very sickly; he was not the same, his health was fading right before my eye’s, he was becoming very skinny, his eye‘s were always like a blood shock red, and he was always coughing.

One morning I got a call from my mother asking about our house and what it was like and how big was it; she never asked how we were doing, not once. My mother had informed me that she  had gotten laid off and how my dad kicked her out, but I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted her to come back. My mother showed up at our house later that day, and she was telling my siblings and I that she was going to get a big house to and that we could stay with her, but I knew she was lying; I could see it in her eye’s. My mother had changed a lot, and everything on her looked different: her hair was a different color, her nails were done, and she had on expensive clothes. How and most importantly where was she getting all this money to pay for this stuff if she got laid off?

As I was walking to the bathroom my mother followed behind me, and I could hear her breathing down my neck. When I went in the bathroom she came in right behind me, closed the door, and locked it. She then stared at me and asked “who do you want to live with when me and your father get a divorce?”  I looked at her through the mirror and said “I understand right from wrong now and you left us for a long time, so I’m going to live with my daddy” my mother smiled at me with a devilish grin, like the green mean grinch from the kiddy Christmas carol movie “the grinch that stole Christmas” and she replied back “well you have no choice anyway you’re not of age to have a say so” I checked my teeth in the mirror and began to walk out and with no hesitation I said “you don’t have a job, you left us stranded, you cheated on my daddy, and it seems that you’re trying to win us over with your bling and empty promises of happiness, when you know for a fact our family will never be happy unless we are together”. My mother stopped and snatched me up by the back of my neck and threw my head into the mirror. When I looked up in the mirror there was a big cut on my eye brow with blood dripping down from my eye brow to my nose, and without an apology or even a hesitant stare of sad regret my mother just left out the bathroom with the same devilish grinch like smile she had when she first walked in the bathroom behind me.

I never told my dad what went down that night and I never thought I would be able to without crying and seeming like the victim. Months went by and my mother moved in with us but only to stay in a room separate from my dad’s room in our big new house. My grandmother and my mom’s relationship had changed; they didn’t like each other at all. Basically they were like two male cats facing each other in a head to head battle over territory. My dad hated that because he felt like he was stuck in the middle between his wife and his own mother. He didn’t want to disappoint or upset either of them, he loved them both with all his heart. The awkwardness in the house seemed to increase every second of the day, like a cell reproducing in a persons body to build cancer tissue . Soon after my mother got the idea in her mind that getting another house for us would be best for everyone:  she thought that the stress level in the house would go down.

My dad agreed with my mother’s plan only because he knew that there was hostility in the house: he wanted everyone to just get along. A few weeks before we left my, mother broke down. While she was having the nervous break down I approached her, while not knowing what was going on. I simply asked her what was going on, and if she was she ok. My mother slowly lifted her head up, and turned to look at me with a crooked smile. She then begin to laugh hard and loud. I started to back up in the small hallway, retreating towards my room. My mother got up and followed me ;she then said in a scratchy voice “you ruined everything, you made me lose my money, my job, my reputation, my husband, and my man; you’re a bad omen and you will die before I lose my mind.” my mother began to choke me; she then threw me into the wall. I hit the back of my head really heard and I began to cry.

As I fell to the ground my vision started to get distorted, and my mom sat on top of me and started to punch me repeatedly. Then took her hand and tried to suffocate me. I tried to crawl towards the stairs to get away from my mom, but she picked me up by my shirt and threw me down the steps. While falling on each step, I felt my heart break into pieces, and that day I stopped loving my mother all together. There was no more love in my heart for my mother. When I awoke I was in the hospital, and my grandmother and aunt were standing over my hospital bed looking at me with their eyes glazed over with tears. My aunt hugged me and said “ your mother said that you fell down the stairs” and my grandmother asked “how did you fall down those steps, what were you doing?”. I looked up and began to cry, and my aunt gave me a tissue. I cleared my throat to speak, but right then my mother walked in. I swallowed my spit and didn’t utter a sound, and my mother looked at me and smiled her devilish crooked smile, then sat on the end of my hospital bed. She looked at my aunt and grandmother, then asked them to leave the room so she could speak to me alone. Once the door closed my mother began to speak as she slowly turned her head to me “did you like your fall down the stairs? I hope so. If you ever tell anyone what really happened, I will finish what I started, and you won’t have to worry about your family or your life.”

I dried my tears and I knew that person that was in front of me was not my mother. She got up off the bed and opened the door to let my aunt and grandmother in my hospital room. That day was really hard for me, and I never told my family about what happened to me that day until my sevententh birthday, when my mom tried to kick me out her house and I had to go live with my grandother for a few weeks. When I told my grandmother what had happened she immediately told my dad, and when he came over to my grandmother’s house, he just embraced me and began to cry, and he kept saying he didn’t know and that he was sorry that I was put through that. He asked my mom about the situation later on in the week, after he took sometime to himself to think things over.

I never forgave my mother for any of the things she had did to me throughout my teenage life. “The way you deal with the bad things that happen to you in your life shows what type of person you are,” was something my grandmother had told me after everything had happened. She was trying to help me forgive my mother, but she also knew that that was something I would have to cope with on my own. I felt hurt for a long time, but when I turned eighteen I learned that everyone deserved a second chance and that forgiveness was a good thing because that it would release a lot of stress on my mind. My grandmother told me the day before my eighteenth birthday that it was best for me to forgive my mother, but to never forget what she did, and I didn’t.                 

   

                              CHAPTER 2: BONDING OVER HARD TIMES

I had only said yes to make my mother happy. It was not what I wanted at all. When we arrived at the house it was still raining, and no one was home so I took the opportunity to look around the house, because I had not been home in so long. Mostly everything looked the same: the orange paint hadn’t chipped or faded, the arrangement of the furniture didn’t seem different , the couch was still in front the dinning room table with the big 42 inch flat screen television on the wall.  Unknowingly, in my parents room I could tell from the temperature difference in the room that there was a unhappy change. It felt cold and empty and as soon as I stepped into the room it was like the life itself had been drained completely out of me. I left the cold bland room without a second thought, and as I walked out I overheard my mom talking to someone on the phone. I automatically knew who it was, so I went up stairs to my room. I wanted to sleep when I sat on my bed, but I was to worried about what the next few days would bring, good news or bad news.                             Since I was thinking so hard on to my future and what would happen in just a few days, I had not realized that I had put my self into a deep sleep. Deep in slumber, I dreamt about what would have happened if I had told my mom no in the car. I woke up covered in sweat and  so terrified about what I had seen in my dream I began to cry.

I woke up to my lame and very corny mobile ringtone of the phone my boyfriend bought me , in hope that it was my boyfriend. I quickly checked the screen to only see that it was a text from my mom : I’m not home I’m at work the band’s are playing tomorrow you should go…. I would not miss it for the world, I replied back sarcastically. After texting my mom back I got up and noticed that my room door was open wide, so I knew some one had to have walked in my room. Then I saw that my bags were opened so I knew my clothes  stealing sister had taken some of my clothes, but her terms were she borrowed them without asking a soul. Not really worried to much about my clothes I felt my stomach growl so loudly it sounded like a wolf about to attack its prey; it felt as though my sister had borrowed the food out of my stomach instead of my clothes. I needed food and fast, but once I got downstairs to the kitchen I noticed that there was no food and that I was out of luck in the meal department.

I informed my mom about the low food supply and went on a full out apple sauce and chocolate pudding diet for eight starving hours. My little brother and sister came through the door happy to see me and I just returned the favor, and as I was hugging them I thought to my self what would I do if I could not ever see them again, how could I keep on living without seeing my only two siblings? Ten minutes later my mom walked in. She had a look on her face that could make Godzilla fall to his knees. I asked what was wrong, but she didn’t really say much, she just kept insisting on trying to see how my day went and if I felt fine. Tired with all of her means of stalling I just stopped asking her what was wrong and walked away, and that same moment my aunt texted me : your mother is upset about the whole situation and doesn’t like the fact that your father has taken your phone and is not trying to speak to you…../o, I replied back not knowing what to say to my aunt in this ironic yet chilling moment in time.

I mean, what more could I say to a text that answered a question that I had been consistently asking for over an hour?  I honestly didn’t think that was the answer I wanted, but it was news, something that finally made me think my mom actually cared about me and my feelings other than hers. Tonight was the band performance and my little sister was going to be performing in it ,so I was not going to miss it, since this was her first real performance with my old high school band. I wanted to show her that I was still there for her, supporting her all the way, even though I had been gone for so long . I was so proud to see her on the field with my old high school marching band I almost cried, I stood on the side lines of the field where she could see me for support. I expected less from my little sister because she is so girly, but I was blown away by her whole character change, my little sister made me very proud that night, something I will never forget.

When we got home later that night I was really tired and didn’t want to talk about what was about to take place the next morning. My mind was still stuck on the dream I had the night before and horrible visions of blood and loud murderous screams appeared in my head. I was in a lifeless trans my body felt numb I couldn’t talk or even try to focus my mind on anything else. I fell asleep that night in pure regret about the things I was about to do the next day, I cried in my sleep without knowing it. Around six in the morning my boyfriend called my mobile phone, and of course that lame mobile ringtone came on. I told him mainly about my dream and how I was scared, how I never expected to go through with something so dangerous and upsetting like this in my young nineteen year old life.

My boyfriends voice was calming and very gentle, and his weird accent made me feel safe and relaxed. He always told me to not overreact, it will be okay, this time he said “ I’m here for whatever you need, I know this will be hard for you and I wish I could come with you, I don’t like this anymore than you do. Just think about our future baby. I will still love you no matter what” , even though I feared the worst I knew he was there for me, I knew that whatever happened I had one person keeping me sane. I told my boyfriend this was not the way I wanted things to go I wanted everything to just disappear all our problems to just vanish in thin air. We said our goodbye’s and I love you to each other and hung up. I stared at my bed room ceiling hoping I would wake up back in my one bedroom apartment under my blue and purple poke-a-dot covers next to my boyfriend nestled in his warm nurturing arms, but obviously that didn’t happen.

                     

CHAPTER 3: THE DAY MY WORLD STOOD STILL

Once I awoke I saw that my mom had texted my phone : don’t eat after 9’am, if you’re hungry you need to eat now…./. When I looked at the clock I noticed it was ten minutes before nine I had no time to eat so, I just got up and began to get ready for the day to start and be over. My mom waked in the house at around 9:15’am. She yelled upstairs for me to come down, and I ran down, then darted out of the door. I sat in the car waiting my mom to get in the car and start our day, but she was taking so long it was like she didn’t know we had some place to be. When she finally got in the car, we went down the street to pick up my aunt from my grandmother’s house. She was my dad’s mom and I had a special bond with her, so when we got there I ran out of the car and into her house to give her a hug. They say grandmothers know just what to say to make you feel better in hard times; mine knows just what to say to make you cry.

When I embraced her, she said “ it’s ok, everyone makes mistakes, I still love you and we’re all here for you ‘cause were family, you just need to get back on your feet and live your life. You’re still young, you have a lot ahead, and a lot of stuff to look forward to”, I began to cry and she kissed me on my forehead repeatedly saying it’s ok, we still love you. I then saw my dad from the corner of my eye in the kitchen, not paying me any mind like I was not even there. I left there with a broken heart because I wanted him of all people to speak to me before I left. I felt as though he did not love me anymore, like he did not want anything to do with me. I sat quietly in the back of the car thinking about my dream and how this whole ordeal will affect my life. I thought nothing could make me smile until my boyfriend’s favorite Drake song came on. My mind was finally on something else , I thought about the way he danced when ever the song came on, or the way he looked at me smiling his sexy smile, showing his deep dimples. Soon after that, my mind decided to change tunes, and we were at the building, somewhere I never thought I would have to go in the whole world.

My mom, aunt, and I all got out the car at the same time, all staring at the building like it was some type of intergalactic space object. My mom took the first step and told us to come on. I began to get nervous and scared; I had no idea what was about to happen. When we walked in the building there was this over-sized women repeating behind her desk “no cell phones, bags, purses, or large bag like object in this facility: only your id’s and your payment is needed”.  My aunt and mom had to run back to the car to drop their stuff off, and we came back filled out our paper work and sat down. My eye’s wandered the room and looked at all my surroundings, and I felt alone even though I was with my mom, aunt, and some other people; sadness overwhelmed me.

I held my tears so no one could see, but deep down I was crying inside. Faking happiness was hard to do, but my aunt knew how I really felt. She held my hand the whole time until they called me to the back. When I stood up she stood up with me and gave me a hug; my mom just looked up and smiled at me, I stared at my aunt as we walked to the back. I guess it was something like a supportive stare down. Once I got back there, there were three other girls with me. I didn’t know any of them, but I knew I was the youngest of them all. My fear only increased well, lets just say a lot, I wanted to scream out I don’t want to do this, I’m only doing it to regain my fathers love and make my family proud of me, but I was sure every girl in there had their own story of why they were doing it .

The nurse walked in and gave us each a basket with our surgery gown in it, I looked at the basket like is this all were wearing and she just confirmed my thought by saying “that’s all you will be wearing”. I noticed that everyone was quiet; it was like an awkward silence. I broke the silence by saying “ is this everyone’s first time”? “yes, this is mine, I have two other kids: one is eleven and the other is eight” said the older woman wearing glasses, then another girl spoke out “yes, my boyfriend knows nothing about this though; I’m trying to build a career” the last girl to speak out was Korean. She had a strong accent but, I understood what she was saying , “yes this is my first time ever. how about you”? The young Korean girls’ voice was very soft and low. I smiled slowly and nodded back at her in reliance to the question she asked me. She never did give her reason like the other girls did in the room and neither did I, but, I felt the pain in her eyes as she stared at me it felt like we were communicating through eye contact like she was telling me her story and I was telling her mines.



CHAPTER 4: MY GAIN AND DREADFUL LOST

A women walked in and called a name out, and that’s when young Korean girl got up and said that is me; she looked at me as she went to the back the same way I looked at my aunt before I left her and my mother. As soon she left another woman came from behind them and said I was next. I felt scared, I wanted to run out and leave that cold building. Then the visions from my dream started popping up in my head again. Ten minutes later the woman came back and called my name again, so I got up and gave my last look to all the girls around the room, unsure of how they were feeling. I smiled and waved goodbye to them. As I walked down the long hallway with the nurse, I thought about my boyfriend, about the love we shared, the good days we had and the thousands of I love you moments we had between each other. A tear began to roll down my face because I knew I was doing something I didn’t want to; I was letting go of something we made together through love.

I walked through the gray double doors expecting to see blood and guts on the floor like in my dream, but the room was dark and all I could see was the clock high on the walk, the big light over the table and the sonogram machine. I laid on the table fighting back tears and regrets, hoping to God that he would forgive me and let me live through this, I looked at the doctor as he put the butterfly needle in my arm and the burning feeling from the sleeping medicine went down my veins and into my blood stream. I looked at the sonogram and said goodbye to my joy for the last time and hummed my joy a tune in my head as I dozed of into deep sleep. I was knocked out like I was hit by a boxing champ; I couldn’t feel or hear anything, it was like I had died. I was in total darkness.  I couldn’t even move, and I had no idea if I was died or alive. I was lifeless, my life was literally in the doctors hands, along with my joy being cut out of me.

When I awoke I began to hyperventilate and call for my boyfriend; I had forgotten where I was. I started crying, reaching out and grabbing anyone that was near me. The doctors rushed to me and put a mask over my face, and I  looked around and noticed I was in a different room. I looked  to my left and saw that the young Korean girl was asleep right next to me. A nurse then gently shook her awake and told her that it was time to wake up. The Korean girl began to thank the nurse repeatedly as the nurse walked her over to the sitting area. The nurse sat her down and came to get me out of my bed; she sat me down right next to the Korean girl, and there was a certain bond between us so I couldn’t see her but I could hear her crying. I called out her name and asked her if she was ok and told her that everything would be ok; she then pulled the curtain down to where she could see my face and hold my hand.

Her crying started to stop and she began to tell me her story and why she was there…. I was forced to do this I did not want to give up my baby, but my boyfriend did not want me to have the baby because he is still married with two kids and my family do not know of our affair. I will have to go back to my family soon and I do not want them to know about this at all. Do you think God will punish me and kill me for what I have done’’? My mind went blank; she had given me all this information at once, and then to top it off she had asked me the most questionable question. I slowly smiled at her, unsure about what to say, so I gave her the answer I thought was best: no. She then smiled and continued her story “ I want God to forgive me so bad and I want my family to be proud of me too. My boyfriend came with me for support and I don’t know what to do, I feel like my soul has been ripped out of me. When I get home I have no idea what I will do to my self because I feel so ashamed”. I explained to her that she should feel wrong because it sounded like we were in the same boat and that it could be worst. I started joking with her because I didn’t want to see her cry: she was beginning to make me cry.

All the nurses thought it was cute that we had become friends, but then one of the nurses interrupted our love fest and told me that it was ok for me to go home. They gave me some cookies and juice and asked me some medical questions. I then asked the nurse if I could leave my number with my new found friend. Before I left I gave the young Korean girl my number and a hug, and she was so sweet and I knew she was special. I just hoped that she would call me before she went back home, because I don’t have free roaming on that cheap little mobile phone my boyfriend bought me. As I walked out I looked at her eyes and noticed that I didn’t feel the pain from her eyes that I had felt before. I felt a little happiness and relief. I was happy I had made a friend, but I was still sad about the fact that I had lost someone else that had no choice about whether they should live or die.

I left out through some white double doors: my aunt and mom were on the other side waiting for me. My aunt had a big smile and hug just for me, but my mom was just like lets go, with no kind of happy greeting for me, even after all I had just been through. I walked out with my head down and with a feeling of guilt; I had never felt so low in my life. When we all got back in the car, my boyfriend’s song came back on and I kind of smiled; a tear rolled down my cheek. I knew that if I was thinking of him, than he was most likely thinking about me. The car ride back home was silent, and my aunt knew deep down that I wasn’t okay, and that my heart was broken and in terrible pain.

My aunt turned around and stared at me until we pulled up in our driveway, her eyes  asking me questions that only I knew the answer to. When we walked in the house together, my aunt made sure she held my hand the entire time, not letting anything distract her from holding on to me. My mom made me a pallet on the couch while admiring our bond. I took my pills laid down while my aunt watched me fall in to a deep sleep. My dream had return and my numb feeling came back, and I began to speak “stop don’t touch my baby please this is all I have”. When I awoke my aunt was sitting in the same spot, staring at me in fear. There was blood all over, me I was drenched in my own sweat. I began to get scared and my aunt rushed to bathroom to get me some hot rags and new clothes. My mom never woke up that night, not to even check on me. It was just me and my aunt and our stare down; I now wanted to say something, but I guess she wanted to wait until the right moment to bring it up. That was okay with me, because she was doing way better than my tender, loving mother would have ever done.

The next morning my little sister made me breakfast, but her stare was very angry, like she didn’t want to cook me anything. When everyone left out of the room she came up to me and whispered in my ear “murderer”. I didn’t know what to think. I stared at her in total shock. My heart began to beat rapidly as I forced back tears, and then she spoke again in a heavy dark voice “and after all that you still look fat”, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I thought I was dreaming but this was reality; my little sister no longer had any respect for me. When everyone walked back into the room my aunt looked at me, then looked at my sister. My aunt had no idea what had happened, but my face told it all. Nothing else could make my day any worse than it already was. At least, that’s what I thought.



CHAPTER 5: CONFESSIONS, SECRETS, AND FORGIVINESS 

My mom had left to take my little sister to dance, so my aunt and I were in the house alone. My aunt looked at me and asked “are you okay?, I know no one has asked you that since you left that place. I want to be the first, because unlike your mom I actually care”. Tears began to run down my face like rain from the sky; I couldn’t hold them in any longer. As my aunt cleaned my face I realized that she could feel my pain, that she actually related to me the way no one else could. My bond with my aunt grew stronger because I knew she was really there for me, not only physically, but also mentally.

My mom came back with her usual smiling face, curious to know what my aunt and I had been talking about. She then looked to my aunt and said “ are you ready for me to drop you back off at your mother’s house”? , my aunt looked at her and then focused her attention back to me and said “yes”. They left the house and I was completely alone; the only thing that stayed in the house with me was darkness, I sat there in the darkness, asking myself questions that I knew I couldn’t answer. If my questions were in the form of a road, it would run for never ending miles, and if I was to walk on that road it would collapse under my feet because its’ base of answers was never built along with it. I grew tired of waiting for my mom to come back home so that I could talk to her about my feelings and went to sleep and dreamed about the outcomes of what would have happened if I would have stayed up and talked to my mom about how I really felt. That I was putting on fake smile so everyone else would be happy and not feel that they were obligated to feel worried and sorry for me. My dream had showed me how I really felt about my mom and the way I thought she was feeling about the situation; her reaction was mean, the typical way my mom had been reacting the whole time. I wasn’t surprised that my dream had clarified my feelings.

When I woke up it was morning and the sun was just coming up; it was beautiful as the rays from the sun changed the sky from midnight black to a nice, soft blue. I felt as though the sun was calling to me, drawing my every thought into it. The way I viewed the world became different, more interesting. My curiosity increased, and I now looked at the glass as half full rather than half empty, but my heart still felt completely empty. My mindset had changed just a little, but my heart was still broken. I had lost my knowledge about the meaning of love and life; I felt like I had been defeated by life itself. I was depressed and under a lot of stress. I would think that by this time suicide would have been my first option, since after all I had been through it in just the beginning of the new year.

The next week was better since I wasn’t as sick as the first week, and now I actually slept in my own room. My mom was still acting the same, my aunt went back to her own house, and my dad walked into my room one morning to justify his reason of why he had been ignoring me for so long. He sat on my bed and looked at me, but I didn’t want him to even come in my room, or even speak to me ever again. The one person I had wanted to talk to in my time of need didn’t want anything to do with me not to long ago, the one person I thought would leave stayed, and everything was backwards. My entire situation was backwards, I had no idea what he was going to say. My dad gently sat on my bed and stared at me, and he began to clear his throat as his eyes began to water; he then said, “please forgive me for not talking throughout this whole ordeal, but it has been a hard couple of weeks, and learning that my first and oldest daughter was pregnant it broke my heart”. I didn’t know what to say to him. I was too upset with my dad. He had let me down, and when it came to the father daughter love relationship, it seemed like it was thrown out of the window.

I started to think about the many times I had had to forgive my boyfriend, and how much we had been through in our relationship. When we started going out I denied us being together, because I didn’t want people to judge me. Of course that hurt my boyfriend, so we broke up. When we got back together he changed. He wasn’t acting the same way .He would be mean to me and talk about how good other girls looked in front of me. Soon after that he cheated on me to get back at me with some ugly girl he thought I would never find out about. He assumed that I wouldn’t catch the hints or signs. I became friends with the girl in order to catch him in the act. The other female and I both invited him to breakfast, and once we were there we made a plan: she would meet him first, and walk off, then she would come up and try to flirt with him to keep him occupied until I came up behind them. Of course it worked. After that incident he promised he would never do it again, and that it was a mistake and that he loved me, but just because I took him back didn’t mean I still trusted him. I started looking through his phone more often and questioning his whereabouts a lot, and deep down I knew I was pushing him away, but that was the price he had to pay for what he had done.

Our relationship grew stronger everyday, but then he started smoking and acting out. He began to get cocky, as if  he had something to be cocky about. Now he was starting to push me away, and I asked him to stop, but he became addicted nothing could change his mind, not even me. Overtime I began to feel neglected, and we began to become distant. One day during school my boyfriend got caught up in some legal issues with our college because he got caught smoking in his dorm room. He got kicked out the dorm for the rest of the semester, and I wanted to help him because he was my boyfriend; I was also pregnant at the time. I knew he would do anything to help me. My plan was to get him an apartment (of course he would have to pay for it) and I would make sure he was in a good area near the school, with bus transportation within walking distance.

Weeks went by, and living in the apartment went well. I would cook for him and try and spend as much time as I could with before I had to go to class. We were happy again until the night I spent with him where everything changed within a blink of an eye. It was around two in the morning, and everything was fine until my boyfriend came home. I was sleep, but I noticed how late it was, so I went through his phone once he fell asleep. Some female was texting him: baby are you up?, and stuff like that. I was so pissed I started packing my things to go. As I was doing so, my crying woke him up, and my boyfriend looked around, confused and unsure as to what I was doing. He started yelling at me, asking why was I packing, and I threw his cell phone at him and started crying again. I asked him how he could cheat on me, how could do this to me after all I had done for him, and we have been through too much for him to put me through this again.

I started walking to the door and as I began to open the door he ran to it and shut and locked it. I began to fear the worst, and suddenly I knew danger was in my face. My boyfriend had pushed me hard enough that I fell hard on my butt. We began screaming back and forth at each other, and then he said the one thing that hurt me the most; that the baby I was carrying probably wasn’t even his, that I was cheating on him with one of his friends. I couldn’t do anything but scream at the top of my lungs, but as soon as did he slammed to the floor and started choking me, and my lungs began to get less air as I started to black out. When I awoke I looked around to see that my boyfriend was sleeping in front of the door, the only way I could get in and out of the apartment.

It started to rain, and as the rain poured down so did my tears. I realized then that what had happened wasn’t a dream. I had blood all over my shirt and pants, and I thought to myself is my baby ok? I tried to see where the blood came from; the first thing I checked was my under wear, and thank the lord everything was ok down there. I looked down at my shirt and I began to touch my face. There was dried up blood all over my nose and mouth, and when I looked up I saw him looking at me. He began to cry and kiss me on my forehead, repeatedly saying sorry , but I screamed out, “what did you do to me?”. Calmly, I began to get up and stumble around. I opened the door slowly, then ran into the bathroom to look at the mirror. I saw the bloody mess that was all over me. I fell down to my knees and began to cry. My boyfriend came behind me and asked did I want to go to the emergency room. I yelled out don’t touch me.

I forgave my dad when I came out of my flashback, and I wanted to tell him how much me and my boyfriend had been through, I wanted to share everything with my dad, but the relationship between my dad and I had changed. As my dad left my room, it reminded me of when my boyfriend had left the apartment, and that the look of regret in his eyes was the same look that my father had in his eyes when he left my room that morning. I didn’t know if he was sorry for me and what I had been through, or sorry for not being there for me when I wanted and needed him the most. My dad closed the door, and I began to think again about when my boyfriend closed the door to our apartment, how I immediately looked around the apartment for my cell phone and keys to my car. They were gone; he took them with him. I was so pissed I ran outside to see if my car was gone. My car was still there, but my fear had increased higher than ever, because he didn’t want me to leave.

The only thing I had to occupy my time was food and television, and after a while when nothing was on television for me, to watch I began to worry. I began to cry and sit there in denial that he wasn’t going to come back, but deep down I knew he had to come back, that he could never leave me. Then, as soon as that thought had finished processing in my mind, there was a knock on my apartment door. I hesitated to open the door when I looked through the peep hole, because I was still not ready to face my boyfriend, even after all the time I had spent by myself with the television. I opened the door but I didn’t let my boyfriend in, but only because I was scared. He begged me to let him in, and that he was sorry. I couldn’t say no to him because he was still the father of my child, and I was already struggling without him. There was a voice in my head saying the whole time “you know you wrong, he don’t need to come back, you need to call the police” I totally ignored it.                 

  It was a bittersweet to see him; I was happy to know where he was, and not have to worry about my car. Then there was the fact that he had just beat me the night before. My boyfriend was my world, but my life was more important. Yet without a real second thought about what had happened, I let him in the apartment. My boyfriend came in and sat down on the couch. He put his face in his hands and began to cry again. I hesitantly sat by him and placed my arm over on his shoulder. He apologized again over and over he started cleaning the apartment repeatedly saying “I’ll do anything to stay with please don’t do leave me, I was wrong I’ll never do that again I was just hurt cause I thought the baby wasn’t mine.” I started to cry with him and I slowly walked to the room and laid on my bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt pain but I had grew stronger that day, I woke up to breakfast in bed and my boyfriend smiling in my face for forgiveness, I told him I forgave him and that if he ever did that to me again I would cut his tongue out his mouth and take his freedom away.

After continuing that flashback I knew that because of our situation I had grown a stronger relationship with my father, just like I did with my boyfriend. I was finally okay with the whole forgiveness route, and though it was hard I knew deep down it made me stronger, and I learned important life lessons for every situation. 



                          CHAPTER 6: JOY IN A STRANGE WAY

Going back to my normal life was hard. I had to take some time to myself to think about my life and the horrible situation I had just been through. My boyfriend told me to try and build a stronger relationship with my mother, but I felt that it would pointless after all we had been through. My mother did not care for me at all; she tried to call me, but she was nothing but a cheater and deadbeat mother. People can’t pick their mothers, and everyone only has one mother, so I guess that was a good advice from my boyfriend, even though deep down I didn’t even want talk to her.

I started hanging out with my old high school friends to get back on top of my old social life. My mom was friends with one of my closest friends’ moms, so I hung out with her for a while until I my mother started opening her big mouth and telling my business. My friend and I were at the pool when she began to ask me questions about abortions, and then the questions started to be directed more towards me. I looked at her in total anger: this was none of her business, and none of it concerned her. She had no right to be asking me these questions. The first thing I asked her was who told her that I was even pregnant and had an abortion. My friend was scared to answer me, and  she hesitated because I had yelled at her with fire in my eyes.

She began to tell me where she got her information from, and I couldn’t believe what she had said. She told me that my mother told her mother that I was pregnant, and that really hurt because my secret had been let out by the one person I thought would keep it; then again, all she cares about is herself. I wanted to take my mother to a mountaintop and push her off the cliff. I would make sure that there was a branch there that she could hold on to. Once I looked over the cliff to see the fear in her eyes and watch her fall off. Thoughts of her blood and screams began to process in my mind, and visions of her death began to dance in my head. I secretly smiled. I honestly didn’t feel bad for the thoughts that ran across my mind at the time, but thankfully the bad news didn’t ruin my day because of my murderous thoughts I had in my head about my mother.

I went home ready to discuss the information I was given, but my little sister and mother got into a heated argument about my sisters clothing choices. She looked more like a college student then a first year high school student. Later that night I began not to care so I went to my mothers room, and when we met eye to eye we already knew what the conversation was going to be about. The first thing said was “mom did you tell my friends’ mom about the abortion, thinking she would keep it to her self?” my mom looked at me and said “no I have not told anyone anything. Maybe you should keep your business to yourself and stop blaming your problems on other people” I replied back, “I didn’t tell anyone anything.” My mother told me to get out of her room, and that I had brought the whole situation on myself. Right then and there I envisioned a knife in my mothers head.

I called my dad and told him what happened, and how I was so angry; she had no right to tell anyone about what was going on with me, especially what she forced me to do. My mother had only told her fake side on the story. So I went around and told my story about what my mother did to our whole family, and just to get back at her I ruined the precious reputation she cared so much about. I told her friends that she always hung out with. I told her mother who she hates to talk to about her problems. My mother knew she was in the wrong. Everyone knew her toxic dirt: she was taking a mud bath, and I loved the feeling that everyone knew what a horrible mother she really was. When I was pregnant she didn’t give me a choice, my mother didn’t want to explore my options, or even let me make my own decision. I had no support, so spilling out her beans make me feel like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon.

It only took a day before the can of worms and extra rumors got back to her, and when it did no room in the house was silent. As my mother marched up to my room, I smiled a classic successful vengeance smile from my favorite cartoon character, Zim from the Nicktoons show “Invader Zim.” When she walked in my room I was sitting at my computer desk, ready for her dramatic meltdown, but she came in my room laughing hysterically like something was so funny it needed to be on a comedy show. My mother walked behind me and began to softly rub my hair; then she quickly grabbed it and pulled my head back and said, “if you think your little rumors will hurt me like I’m one of your egotistical college friends, its not and it won’t. You’re so stupid, you’re a stupid teen and it’s sad that you’re so pretty and it’s wasted on all this dumbness.”

I knew that she was hurt and that her reputation was really affected by the rumors that had been put into the ears of all her so called friends. Her mean yet flattering comments didn’t affect me at all, she was just mad that everyone knew her secret just they like knew mine. I pushed her hand away from my head and got up from my chair, and as I got up I felt powerful. I felt like I could take over the world. I took a deep breath, looked at my mom and said, “you’re a mean and hateful person, and I hate being around you, if I was my dad I would have been left you years ago when you first cheated. I can’t stand your voice it’s annoying and if you were a really mom you would have supported me when I needed you the most.” my mother looked at me and said “ get out of my house you dumb little girl, I don’t want anything to do with you. Leave now.”....