Memoirs

On the harmonically moving chair she was lost deeper in her thoughts. There was nothing around that could disturb her or hamper the tunnel of tranquility she was going through. She thought was it only she or does most of the people face such hardship in life that she has faced. She never knew who her mother was. They never told her anything about her mother but just that she died few days after her birth.

She desperately in her childhood seek her mother, it wasn’t that she just missed her mother what she tried most is to see how her mother looked. She was curious to the utmost extent. She was so desperate that one day in the absence of her father she opened her father’s personal closet in the hope that she might find some picture of her mother buried there. She couldn’t find anything regarding her mother and it amused her. How or why a person would get rid of each and every last detail of his late wife. They say they were happy couple. They also use to say that her father has changed a lot after the death of his wife.

She never knew how her father was before, to her he was always same serious stone type. It was she who then was accustomed to his way. She somehow managed to strike of a sort of relation with her father. On rare occasions his father use to speak very politely to her and she in many ways use to celebrate such occasions. Her father always seemed busy to her, he was always lost in the paper works she couldn’t comprehend. Sometime she waited weeks for her father to seriously talk to her something which isn’t a demand. But she was a patient daughter. Many a times she tried to create situations where her father talks to her. Sometime she got frustrated that she couldn’t draw her father’s attention properly which she deserved.

In that big house it was only the father as the other living being beside her. As she grew she started avoiding those gimmicks and tricks she use to apply to get close to her father. Now it seemed childish to her, she got accustomed to her father’s way. She now was having friends outside her house. She also turned beautiful and has got ample flesh at the right places which made her invariably noticeable to the boys around.

She never knew if it was good or bad, sometime she felt proud about it, sometime she missed the freedom which she had as a child. She was very nervous when some guy come around her, she just didn’t know how to respond their bold advancements and when she can’t deduce as what should be done, she used to avoid them. It never happened to her as how she got in the habit of expecting such attentions. Little by little she got comfortable with all those attentions and advancements. It was all going perfect until that day.

Her moving chair stopped and she looked at her feet and then looked at the point where wall meets the ceiling. That day changed her life forever. Till now she gets this insane wish to scream and yell, to use her nails to scratch off someone’s skin off the face. She know it’s all wish and she won’t do this but she think had she been able to do that it must have given her some solace. It’s a burden she is carrying which has rotten but has not evaporated. It still is there like a fossils. A fossil which still smells as disgustingly as it used to when it was afresh.

That particular incident was like a wound which never healed and most certainly never would heal. She never knew why god was so unjust to her, what mistakes she committed. She asked such questions to herself again and again but nothing concrete came out. All she was left with was that humiliating pain which like a demon was always present in her life.

That day it was cold outside. She as usual was doing some household work. She thought maybe she wasn’t feeling well though there was no reason. And then that loud knock on the door. She opened fast and it was her father, standing with the support of the wall. He was visibly in a very bad condition, Heavily drunk and very dirty, pretty shabby. She was shocked to see her father in such a condition; she never imagined anything like that ever. She brought her father to the bed almost all by herself, he was too drunk to walk properly. From door to bed his father vomited twice and his condition was clearly getting worse.

Her mind wasn’t working properly as what she should do as her father puked again and was all covered in heavy sweat. She asked her father what she should do. He replied that he will be okey, he will feel better if she takes his dick in her mouth and with those words he opened the zipper. Those word stunned her badly and she froze there for minutes, she couldn’t react, her father’s pathetic condition and out of the world demand was crushing her brain. In that dilemma tears started rolling out of her eyes.

Then he demanded water, she brought that. He drank a little, poured a bit on his face and the rest on his groin. His penis was out; her lips were trembling from shock and fear. He started persuading her to take that in her mouth and just suck a little. He held her hand and almost begged. The whole thing was chaotic, her father’s condition was a mess, she was sobbing loud. To her everlasting shame she did that, she fell for her father’s persuasion. She took his thick fleshy meat in her mouth as the tears kept rolling out of her eyes.

At this point she stopped thinking about that incident and almost felt the same situation; it seemed she still is weeping over that incident. She clearly seemed restless. She had no idea how to take it even now; it still panics her whenever she thinks about that. Whenever that very scene comes to her mind she cruelly squeezes her mind to pop out that scene, but it has such a deep imprint that she can’t help and has to face the ire.

She nibbled and stroked a bit with that thing in her mouth and her eyes virtually blinded with thick tears. She got up and cleared her eyes to see that her father has passed out completely. For a second it stroked her that did he die. She put her hand on his heart to check with her own heart racing faster. He was alive, he was breathing very slowly. She covered him properly and ran back to her room to sit in the corner and cry at her bearing.

She wept on, sometime loud with noise, sometime silently, just sobbing in between. She never knew when she slept on the floor. She woke up late, she felt a ease in air and thought maybe what happened last night was just a bad dream. But she knew it was no dream, the realization brought a sense of guilt and darkness to her. She again got gloomy.

She woke up and with a heavy heart started her daily life. She noticed that her father was busy in his works; she peeked in and saw him indulged on his desk. She was supposed to ask him for tea. She didn’t, she couldn’t. after all that happened to the night before she never would be able to face her father. She remained in herself and avoided her father. Her father too was probably avoiding her. Things went on like this for about a week.

And then one fine morning she found her father hanging from the fan. She screamed when she saw that. She didn’t scream because her father had died, it was more of a natural reaction from her; she was horrified by the scene itself. She called the neighbors, people came and brought him on the ground. As she closely looked at the twitched face of her father dead body people murmured all good things about him.

Now she thinks maybe her father did a right things by killing himself, it didn’t lessen the humiliation she had to face but it somehow saved herself from facing her father, now she thinks that she was in many ways relieved. At that time things were happening so fast that she didn’t know if it was good or bad. Maybe she was too shocked to judge all that.

Now she thinks what if her father would have asked her to do the same more often, what if he wouldn’t have committed suicide and have done that again and again. It still chills her when she thinks about it. It was actually good that her father fell victim to his own immorality. Then suddenly she realized now whenever she thinks about her father only that much comes to his mind but prior to that incident there were few sweet moments she had with her father. That all seems to be undone and nullified by just one incident.

Today she wanted to remember only good moments but it seems impossible. She can’t surpass that one incident. Sometime she feels like telling to her dead father that had he not done that she could have been worshipping him out of love. She knows it wasn’t just wine, it was more than that. She didn’t understand when but her father seemed to get a sexual liking toward her. Now she is able to deduce that’s why maybe he used to keep himself busy and aloof from her.

Maybe he was trying to practice restraint and control, though he failed ultimately. Throughout all her life she had been haunted by one question ‘how could a man can get hot for his own daughter?’, as the question came to her mind every time she never really searched for an answer, in response her heart got filled with anger, shame and a feeling of hatred. But today she isn’t feeling her normal anger, today that daughter is searching for her lost father maybe.

Relationships are mostly a conditioning of mind, a strong one, a necessary one, a just one. These relationships are the veins of social system. Every relationship has its own code and regulations which are mostly self induced. Her father broke that code and damaged that relationship which was so dear and so delicate to her. She can’t understand but why today she can blame her father without and prejudice and more importantly without any force of hatred. She is blaming like she is telling him not as an allegation but as she want him to understand.

Does she want to forgive him? No she can’t. she can’t get rid of the wound she has got on her soul. It is just out of her domain to forgive him for making his life a virtual nightmare. She has been haunted throughout her life. Each time when that incident float in her imagination she tends to get a salty fleshy taste on her tongue and each time she is humiliated to death. Deep down in her, even deeper to what any person would ever come to understand she has got that feeling infested, it can’t be erased, it can’t be evaporated, it can’t be killed. It’s something which she may have to carry forever until her death, god knows maybe even after that.

She is now looking towards the ceiling as someone who is waiting for a judgment and exactly knows what the verdict is. Her eyes were noticing nothing in the fan running with constant speed, she was just recollecting. Her husband never asked for oral sex once she weepingly  explained her experience in detail. Her husband sympathized with her and clearly understood that how with that process she will experience that trauma again and again. She too understood his wish and desires most of the time feeling sorry for him, rarely she did that even his husband didn’t ask, she did that to probably put some weight off her chest. She thought that it’s not right to make one man suffer for the mistakes of other. On those rare instances her love and compassion for her husband overcame the anger and hatred for her father. However she can’t deny that whenever she took her husband’s penis in her mouth without a miss it made her re-live the traumatic experience of the night years ago. It certainly dented her psychologically each time yet she carried on and kept those trauma at bay due to her determination to please her husband. She always could able to do that because her willingness turned out to be a mission for her.

Her husband is only man she has came across without any serious flaws, she trusts him completely though she know that it can be dangerous. After her father she never trusted on any man. It took many years for her husband to win the trust of his wife though he wasn’t trying consciously. Trust which was broken in one night took years to heal. It isn’t fair, it isn’t justified, she told herself. We usually go with the idea that in life everything is balanced, the good the bad, the pain the pleasure, the compassion the jealousy. But it seems the idea is flawed, it took seconds for destruction whereas it takes years, in some cases million of that for the construction. There is no balance here or maybe she is missing something.

Her father’s death opened some pandora’s box for her. She was supposed to live with some distant relative who were initially very compassionate but as the time passed they became worse. She recalls that they never accepted her as a part of their family, initially they treated her specially good and later they mistreated her. Maybe a day or two were there in transition from good treatment to bad treatment when she must have felt as a part of family, the optimum part in the transition process.

Though she was awed by things happening so fast around her she initially was relieved that the new family has got a female so there would be someone to whom she would be able to relate with, she thought with that women she would feel protected and related. Things were initially as good as she thought, the lady of the house was taking good care of her And seemed close enough still she didn’t tell her about the degrading incident, probably she was too ashamed.

One day she overheard the master and mistress talking in themselves about the money and property her father has left for her. By their talk it seemed a big amount. Later she came to know that her father has left for her some real fortune and has synchronized it very systematically. She can’t gift, sell, handover her owned property till the age of 35. Her caretaker would get some monthly amount as a fee and numerous such rules which all in all presented a system that by no means the property could be detached from the girl. She got amused that maybe to prepare all these with minute details it took him a week. A week was the duration between the incident and the suicide.

After all their tries and tired of stressing legal dimensions the new family of her started behaving badly to her. In the beginning she tried harder to appease them but later gave up and accepted it as her destiny. The lady was extremely critical and in many ways knew exactly what to say when you want to intentionally hurt someone. on paper she was a rich girl but in reality she wasn’t any better than a maid. Her menial condition were unable to hide her beauty, the worn-out, outdated piece of clothes on her couldn’t lessen the effect of her near perfect body.

Many men known and unknown tried to indulge into her by good ways as well as bad ways. With time she has forgave them all but one. She could never forgave him. When things got really out of control and totally unbearable, she really had to look for options and she deduced she had none.

She was in habit of overhearing the talks of the master and the mistress. One fine night she heard that they are planning to kill her by throwing off the roof. That way they were supposed to get some 15% of the property, rest will go to charity. Her bone was chilled as she thought of falling from the roof plummeting to hardened earth. She didn’t sleep and gathered all the courage to ran away.

She had no one so she asked for the maid job from door to door with some living space. Luckily she got one and then after some time she applied for a teacher for kids. Her beauty helped her in achieving whatever she wanted to achieve though she never flaunted that as an equipment or tool still she knew it was helping great deal at every step.

There she fell in love with a co-teacher and got married. With the support of the man she was able to fight and pursue a legal battle to get back what was left by her father for her. Initially she abhorred the idea of getting the property back because to her it was like accepting her father’s misdeeds. She disliked the idea to own anything which was originally of her father, to her it was like a burden.

But her husband made her understand that one shouldn’t disrespect the money. Person can be wrong money is not. There isn’t much difference in a charity from good person and a charity from a bad person when the purpose of charity is fair and just. After much persuasion and overcoming dilemmas she fought and won the property back.

After being 35 she proposed to sell the property and give all of them to the charity. Her husband suggested against it. He vehemently disagreed to that purposal. She thought that her husband is greedy. It was evident. For some days it became a reason for tension in between them.

After few years they came to know that their only son has got some serious heart condition which needs a delicate yet complicated operation. And it led to heavy money constraints. When the husband proposed her to sell her father’s property to solve the money issue she denied on the ground that the money attached to property is actually a bad omen, it has always brought problems on her and she believes that operation wont be successful if that money goes in. it frustrated the husband but she was adamant.

But when condition got like she has to lose her son this way or that way, she had no option but to try. She did that with heavy heart and eventually her son was saved. Now she thinks that her husband wasn’t greedy, he was just practical, a sensible person. He is the person who provide the right dimension to her. Only he knew where to apply the money which was a burden on her soul.

Sometime we let our emotions control our mind and hence our action, though its an honest thing to happen, it is also without doubt a dangerous thing. Had she given her father’s left-over to the charity in her primarily charged state, she might not have been able to save her son. It’s not abnormal to attach things to the person and hence we get a liking or disliking of things as the matter may be but how sensible it is to have a prejudice or tendency of liking or disliking to a non-living things. Today she think she is mature enough to think about all this from a newer perspective, till yesterday she was same old immature and charged person, what happened in just a single day that changed her wholesomely? She had no answer, probably nothing happened, probably she collected and carried the idea of change unknowingly over time, over all those years, the difference between yesterday and today is the realization of what she has collected, the difference is synchronization of such sub-conscious ideas.

It is happening now because maybe she is bored and tired of being what she was. Maybe this is the time when she can forgive even her father. Suddenly something stroke her, wait a minute she can’t forgive her father, why she is trying to pretend different and logical and sensible when her heart very strongly suggest otherwise. All these years she has been haunted by that instance, she still feel humiliated when she remember that, what sort of person get such a desire from his daughter? He took the help of wine to get the courage to put his immoral wish in a solid and real formation, he was desperate. With these thoughts her father’s persuading almost like begging figure came on the screen of her mind and she still get ashamed and nervous. She certainly can’t forgive him, well she can’t even if she try. She may just made herself understand that she has got over but the wounded soul wont agree to it.

She looks at the watch and deduces that clocks are not  good things specially when you have already spent much of your life. They silently put you in a closed room facing yourself asking many questions, unpleasant questions. What you got, what you achieved, are you satisfied etc. each question in itself enough to depress you. She closes her eyes and tells herself - life will pass soon, don’t worry.