A shadow from the past

A shadow from the past


The park is crowded with people. Most of them are having their evening walks. People of all ages enjoy their own time in the park. Children are playing. Youngsters are coming in couples or in groups, emerged in their own world. This is the usual place were we five of us meet. Sumathi and I are very close friends. We know each other since we came to Bangalore. We together saw our children grew up and got married and saw the birth of grand children. Life has been very fulfilling for us in our earlier stages though we had some stains of dark clouds marring the bright sunlight. Our husbands had a successful career, children went through their academics in flying colors and now they have their own life to lead. Our life spread before us like the sky and it was as bright as the afternoon sun. Now in the twilight of life, we have had our handful of interludes with life.

“ What Anjali, are you traveling through some wild forest or some beautiful valleys. You are absolutely not hearing our conversations.” The husky voice of Sumathi jolted me from my reverie. “ I am sorry. What were you saying?” I had to travel a long way to collect my mind from where I was lost. I went back home with a very heavy mind. Added to it was the conversation about daughter-in –laws. I did not even notice that Sumathi was following me. “ Anjali, there should be something that is cooking up in your mind. I have never seen you so silent and withdrawn. You are the active member in our group. You keep us all lively with your conversation, little suggestions and also scolding us when we are wrong. But nowadays you are very silent. What happened? I can easily see that there is something wrong. It is not today that I am seeing you.”

That’s true. I thought. Nothing is hidden from Sumathi. She is more than a friend to me. She has been my soul mate since we met. She has not read a big chapter in my life, which I myself wanted to forget. That part of my life, which I fear, is threatening to creep up in my life again but in another form. How will I tell this after so many years? She will definitely think I have not done justice to our friendship, which is as transparent as a still water.

“ Nothing Sumathi. I am all right. I am not feeling well nowadays. I think my BP has risen again. I feel too unsteady and very much tired.” Sumathi was very much concern about my health. But she failed to persuade me to consult a doctor. I very well know there is no need for that. I know the reason very well.

Those pictures that came into mind like an uninvited guest haunted all the sleepless nights. I tousled and turned but could not get a wink of sleep. Days went on and everyone noticed the change in me. All were concerned about my health. Sumathi stayed with me all the time and we had along chat. But I could not summon my courage to speak to her. What she became angry for not being truthful in our friendship. What if we break apart due to this? I will lose a true friend and a well-wisher. My husband Raj, grew more anxious. He grew very concerned about me. He is a very loving and considerate person and understands me very well. How can I say this to him? No, this will hurt him more. All through these years, he has been with me always, showered me with all the love for a lifetime, and looked after me as if I were a child. I cannot hurt him.

All this thinking took its tool in my health. My health deteriorated and I am now in bed as the doctor has asked for a complete bed rest. My son and daughter- in- law came to stay with us. My daughter-in-law is a sweet girl. She was heavily pregnant with their first child. She was very happy to stay with us. It is a happy time in my family that after such a long time after marriage that my son is finally going to be a Papa. I guess the poor child needed our support and guidance. Then what are we elders for? Sometimes I think did I do something wrong by sending my son to live separately. I just thought they are youngsters they may want to lead life in their own way. Was it wrong?

I kept noticing that Vandana has grown very tired these days. Was it her health or is there something else. “ Dear, come to me my girl. You look tired and worn out. Is all the work here making you tired.”? One day I called her unto my room and asked. “ How is your relationship with my son? Hope everything is going right”. I had trepidation whether to ask her or not. Soon after they got married, I asked them to live separately. I felt I knew little about the girl whom I married into my house. Yet, I know she is very good and sweet girl who happen to accept our kind of moral values and culture. All on a sudden I least expected this outburst. She hugged me and started crying. She was absolutely inconsolable. It was as if the burden in her mind for a long period streamed out as tears. She sobbed for a long time in my shoulders. I felt sorry for the girl. I stroked my hands on her shoulders and consoled her.


“Shh, dear don’t cry. What is your problem that made you cry for such a long time.” I felt she wanted to say something but was hesitant to say. I got up and brought a glass of water. “Dear. Is something gone wrong again? I think now you are happy in your married life. Last time I had advised my son and he assured me that he will make you happy.” I looked quizzically at her face. “ I hope the dark clouds that once threatened to darken your life has passed and there is fresh sunlight now. Tell me what is bugging you?” “ Amma the dark clouds are threatening to come again and this time, I am afraid is going to play havoc”.

What I have feared has come again. What I did not wanted to disclose to anyone, what I have buried into the depth of my heart has broken it s boundaries and is threatening to mar the happiness of my family. This was the thing that I never wanted to hear again. My own image reflected on me. I was shocked to hear all this. I never expected this to happen to my family. I know that my son is bit impatient and short tempered, but this kind of attitude is never of him. I know what he is doing is wrong and this he is not even aware of. I know he is hurting her all along and she never let him know how much she is hurt. I assured Vandana that I would speak to him and solve the problem. I felt that Vandana slowly is regaining her former self and in due course, I regained my health. I asked my son and his wife to stay with us for it is finding difficult for her to manage on her own. She was very grateful to me for saying so as if it was exactly what she wanted. I felt my own image reflecting at me when I see her.

Days went on and suddenly, I could not see much change in Vandana. Her condition went on growing worse. I grew worried about her and the unborn child. I feared some untoward may happen to them. I silently prayed to God that everything should go on smoothly. I did not say anything to Sumathi or Raj. What will I say/ It is like opening a new chapter from my own life and I don’t want that. Matters grew worse and Vandana grew critical and had to be hospitalized. It became a matter of Life and death. I saw my son pacing along the hospital corridor with concern and sadness. I read the fears in his eyes and saw the anguish of his life drifting apart.

“ Son, come to me. I wanted to talk to you something very serious. I know this is not the right time or the place. But I feel that if I did not speak to you now, I will never be able to speak to you again. I will be too late if I let this opportunity go and we may have to repent for this all through our lifetime. I do not want our family to scatter. I also know that this matters your daddy also. But I have to speak up.” Somehow I summoned the courage to speak to him.

I think Raj got the hint and he left myself and my on alone. I think he guessed what I had to say. I have the strong feeling that Raj would have sensed what is going on in the house. Though I intended not to disturb his busy schedule with trivial household matters, he sensed that and appreciated my need to solve the matters on my own.

I felt very sad for my son. I hugged him and felt the same warmth passing through my veins, the warmth that I felt for the first time when I hugged my small baby. I saw his eyes and a flood of emotion threatened to fill out. I spoke gently.

“ Dear son, do you know that the relationship of a husband and wife is the most brittle one and at the same time the most strongest. It is like a soft thread that threatens to break with a small whip of wind. Your daddy and myself have a good relationship as you can see. He is my breath. I cannot even imagine a life without him. I can sense his emotions even before he says it. But do you think all this happened in a day. You know that Rome were not built in a day. I had the most difficult experience in my life, which involves your daddy also. This part of life is a secret that your daddy and myself never wanted to reopen. But the situation now has forced us to open this chapter from my life now.’


“ Son, I had to undergo very difficult situations with my in-laws that is your grandfather and grandmother. It was not very easy for me as a young bride who came from a small town with little to speak about her family to adjust to a big household especially to a temper your grandfather had. Your father was helpless yet he was affectionate towards me. He never got his opportunity to express his love towards me for he was afraid of his parents. Your grandparents were very difficult person to satisfy. They threw tantrums for each and everything I do. They blamed me for my ignorance. It became very difficult to cope with them because they were complaining of everything that I do. I could not sleep on time, nor have my food on time. Your grandfather one day threw a plate on me. It hit my head and it was bleeding. He went on a rage for not keeping the house properly. I know the house is well looked after and I know that all the things are properly arranged and well kept. I was very much tired of all the work and heavy with the child I am carrying. That was it. I went to my house. I never told my parents what exactly happened. I told them I just want some rest. One day I called up your father and told him how much I loved him and how much he meant tome. I also told him how I missed him and it is very difficult to live without him. I told him I would rather end my life if I were to live without him. But it is all very difficult to live in a condition as bad as that.

“ My son, you know what happened. I was prepared to end my life, when no response came from your daddy. But eventually my words hit your daddy like a thunderbolt. In my absence, all of them realized, how important I was to them. Raj gave a long lecture to his parents that shook them off from their very core of existence. Raj immediately came to my place and said that he made a big mistake and he cannot live without me. He promised me that life would change after that.”

“ My son, from that day till now, he kept his promise we have had a great relationship. We joined our hands and every hard time made our relationships stronger. He felt the need to priorities things. To understand that life is more important thing to waste on trivial matters, like something, which has no emotions or life.

“My son, I hope you understand what I wanted to say to you. Your wife and child is more important than your petty things. I know you love your wife so much. But your love should not be fragile that a small gust of air to blow it away.”

My son held my hands and I saw a new glitter in his eyes, a new brightness of life. With a promise of happiness, I saw him going to his wife. I now know that spring will again beckon my threshold. And I am sure that, I will, this time hold the spring in my fist and never let it go. There will be birds chirping and laughter and happiness.