SHHH [ER Fanfic]

SHHH

"Shhh, Joe. Shhh." Luka stroked his son's downy hair with gentle fingers, soothing away disturbing dreams and sending the little boy back to peaceful slumber. The airplane shaped nightlight next to the crib gave just enough illumination to allow father to watch child sleep, and in the quiet sound of Joe's breathing Luka smiled a little.

Proof miracles could happen lay within the innocent life before him; something Luka had once thought lost forever. The smile faded. He knew all too well miracles could be snatched away in an instant. Until Abby's confession, he hadn't realized they could also become tainted and diminished, shadowing joy and weighing down one's soul. Leaning down, Luka kissed his son's soft cheek then turned away.

The stairs creaked under his bare toes; Luka wondered if Abby would lie awake in their marriage bed, listening to him prowl through another sleepless night. It had become an unspoken ritual for them, and one he hated. Lying awake together scant inches apart without touching or talking, until the breaking point was reached and Luka escaped her to pace through darkened rooms.

If this had only been an alcoholic relapse, Luka could deal with it. He could exorcise this demon and accept Abby's apologies and explanations; he could believe they would overcome it together and reunite as a family.

He would have faith lost miracles could be revived.

But Abby had done more than relapse, she'd betrayed their marriage and life together. Luka couldn't look past it, could not accept another man knowing his wife's touch and scent. That bastard Moretti had tasted her; how could Abby ask that it be forgotten or forgiven?

I can't do this.

The thought caught his breath as anger rose up, sharp and biting, bringing a hand to press against the sudden racing of his heart in a vain attempt to slow the rush. He'd lost one family already, he couldn't go through it again.

Head lowered, Luka tried to take deep measured breaths, but it wasn't working, damn it, it wasn't helping, and the fury kept coming, threatening to bring him screaming up the stairs to where Abby lay. No. He would not do this. With effort Luka opened fists clenched so tight they burned. He would not hurt her. He. Would. Not.

Joe called out, and the rage drained away. Shaken, Luka swallowed hard, squeezing eyes tight against threatening tears before moving toward the stairs to go to the nursery. One step, two, before he froze in place, fingers going white on the banister. Abby was talking to their son, her low voice husky with tears and breaking on the words.

He couldn't make out what she was saying but Luka stayed anyway, listening to the cadence of her voice as she read aloud to Joe. After a moment, he backed away, retreating to the living room to drop down onto the sofa and close his eyes. With any luck he'd fall into sleep, and there would be no dreams.

END