The Rusty Pail Cafe

                                                                                                The Rusty Pail Cafe



                  Hunger drove me into the Rusty Pail café. Actually, hunger was just my reason for being here.  I drove into the diner all on my own. That’s what I was going to tell Officer Enns when he got here at any rate.

                  Did you hear right? Yup, you did.  Drove right across 2 dozen garden gnomes and knocked off the edge of the front porch. Darn near went right through Clara’s picture window, but lucky for me I grabbed hold of that big black handle between the two front seats and that seemed to slow me down a touch.

                    You should have seen Clara rushing out in her apron, shrieking like some unholy banshee, bustling at me like some god-forsaken whirlwind.  Arnold scowled at me from the kitchen door of the diner and then stomped off, to call the police I assume.

         “Annniiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

         I winced. It sounded like that woman was calling in the hogs. “Hold off on that Clara. You’re hurting my ears, any more of that and you’ll make me deaf as well as blind.”

         Puffing like a steam train she ran up to the car hugged me through the window. I swear if she didn’t cut off all the circulation to my brain. “Annniee… are you ok? Oh, look at this mess! Look at it! What’ll Arnie say when he sees this? What’ll the insurance company do?”          

         I decided not to tell Clara that Arnie had already seen it.

         Clara spun around to get a better view of her redesigned front lawn.  I closed up my window to block her screeching.  I love Clara, we’ve been friends since time out of mind, but heavens does that woman screech. And, as I tell the honest truth, the more upset she gets the higher her voice becomes. Like a stray cat on helium mating in the dead of night.

         “Oh my! The gnomes! The gnomes!”

         Cranking open the door I yelled, “For heaven’s sake Clara, stop that!  You’ll have all the neighbourhood dogs out in a minute!”

         I don’t know when I’ve ever seen Clara’s eyes so big. “But the gnomes! Annie, you’ve destroyed Arnie’s collection! Oh heavens when he sees that….” her voice trailed off as she sat down heavily on the hood of my car, which sunk 3 inches deeper into the mud I’d made.

         I couldn’t help but think that a gnomeless yard had to be an improvement.

         Grabbing my cane, I tried to swing my legs out of the car. “C’mon legs or I’ll leave you.” My legs stayed put. It was as if they’d said, “That’s just fine with us. You go on ahead and we’ll catch up in a minute.” Traitorous lot.

         Groaning and grunting I lurched onto my cane, joints squealing in protest, to survey the mess I’d made. It was like some newfangled gnome slaughtering horror film.  Decapitated gnomes, legless gnomes, gnomes with only an arm and a shoulder lay  strewn across the lawn, while the now saggy porch drooped over them.  Down at my feet a bright red and green gnome paraplegic stared at me from a face with one eye.  I shuddered, and stepped over it, only to crunch on some other part of ceramic anatomy.

                      I’d finally made it to the front of the car when I saw Arnie glaring at me from the window.  I ignored him and inspected the porch. It was really too bad.  Poor workmanship there, I barely nudged the thing.  I glanced up at the window out of the corner of my eye and flinched.  The look on Arnie's face was enough to melt concrete. I was about to tell him so when he began to pull the curtain closed.

                      “If you keep your face like that it’ll freeze that way you know!” I hollered at the closed window.  Grimacing,  he disappeared into the darkness of the house. 

                      I sighed as I picked my way through gnomage destruction to the front steps.  My knees ached and my legs trembled as I began to lower myself down to the step as about as graciously as an elephant doing ballet.  Heaven knows what I’d pay for a new set of hips with matching knees.  I had to put all my weight on my cane as I lowered myself ever so slowly down until I was able to sit on the porch front steps.  My bones creaked and crunched. The steps lurched and creaked in sympathy.  The thought “At least something understands me.” flitted through my brain, but it didn’t get a chance to settle in.  The sharp sounds of splintering lumber rang in my ears,  and I felt the sudden woosh of wind on my rear.

                      There I was, with my knees by my chin, splinters shooting up my sup hose into my varicose veins. I heaved, I pulled, my feet flying about like some sort of crazed sparrows on a mission.  My cane slipped from my grasp and made a soft bonk-bonking sound as it toppled down what was left of the porch. 

                        I glared at it, “Firewood! You hear me! That’s what’s going to happen to you!” My sturdy size 7 rubber boots made a ridiculous little wiggle dance in front of my eyes, and I felt the familiar sharp shooting pain as my toes curled in my shoes.  Oh, if Lacey could see me now. The thought made my innards curl just like my toes. Looking down past green rubber I watched my cane slide down the last two steps, and I felt about as old and useless as it was.

         “Good heavens woman, first you run into the porch and then you try to finish it off up close and personal like?” A deep chuckle invaded my ears, creating an irritation that made me forget all about the splinters in my hose.

All I could see of Tommy Enns were his knees, and by golly was he lucky I didn’t have my cane in my hand. I glowered at his pant leg. “For goodness sake Thomas, where are your manners – help an old lady out of this!”

         He hooted. “Back in sixth grade I would have loved to see you like that!” He reached down, took my arm and began to hoist my sizable backside up and out of the hole I’d created with it.

         “Back in sixth grade you never wouldn’t have had the nerve to say that to my face!” 

         He hauled my considerable carcass out of the hole in the steps, and offered me his arm.  I considered telling him that he looked like Bo-Bo the Clown with that grin on his face, but decided against it. Rather than giving him the good whack he deserved, I took his arm. After all, it’d been a long day and it was only eleven in the morning.



         With a sigh he settled me into a chair in the café and pulled out a notebook.

         “All kidding aside Mrs. Friesen, why were you driving in town?” he raised his eyebrow. “Again?”

                    I turned my head, and watched the people pushing their carts in the parking lot of  the new Wal-Mart across the street.

         “Did you know Meno didn’t last for more than 2 months after that moved in?” I motioned with my head towards the window. “Had the best general store for miles around for close to 27 years.” I snorted.  “Now all we get to buy is ‘Made in China’.”

         Tommy ran his hands through his hair. “Mrs. Friesen, the last time you ran over the Jansen's garbage cans and severed their cats tail.  I told you I’d let you off with a warning if you promised you’d get either Lacey or Bill to drive you into town.”

         “That cat was always in the way, and they had their cans too close to the road.” I lifted my chin. “Can’t an old lady come into town for a cup of coffee to visit friends anymore?”

         “Sure. Just get Lacey or Bill to drive you here.’

         “Bill’s away for the week in Saskatoon.”

         “And Lacey?”

         I snorted again. “Lacey won’t. She’s too busy with rearranging my garden according to her ‘horticulturally correct’ principles to drive an old gal like me into town for a coffee at the diner.”

         “How do you know? You never asked.” her light soprano voice sounded brisk to my ears. For some odd reason the coffee I had in my mouth refused to go down my throat. I’d  have to go see the doctor about that.

         Tommy stood up from the table. “Heyas Lacey, I was just about to give you a call.”

         “Hey Tom. Arnold called me about 10 minutes ago to let me know what had happened.”

                      What a shock that was. Tattletale.

                      “I was just telling Mrs. Friesen here that she was welcome to come to town, but just needed to get yourself or Bill to drive her.”

                      Hrmph.  I had nothing I wanted to say to that.  I turned my head so I could see the Wal-Mart parking lot more clearly.  Tommy’s and Lacey’s conversation became an annoying buzz in my ear.  Squinting I could see Fay Jansen trying to lift an oversized Happy Tomato garden container into her car. Good heavens, that woman was in her eighties and they were worried about me driving.  And what was she doing trying to lift that thing, it was four times the size of her head. Not to mention the completely wrong colour of red for a tomato.



                    I watched her heave it from the cart, swaying it back and forth like a drunken hippo.  I felt myself begin to sway in time with the tomato until the coffee began to churn in my stomach. She pulled it up to her chest and staggered a step closer to her car.  Up, down, side to side… Fay wobbled like the Weebles my kids used to play with.  I started when I saw the errant Tomato slip three inches, and in a desperate move Fay managed to wedge it between herself and the car.  Oh my word, now she couldn’t open the door.  There she stood, stuck between the bright blue cart and her car, looking like she was pregnant with some sort of mutant tomato sticking out her front. As I moved closer to the window, I saw her begin to slowly inch herself around the tomato, trying to get close enough to the front door to open it without losing her grip.  I could feel the cool glass on the tip of my nose, my breath made a small fog in front of me.  My fingers hurt from gripping the table,  so I pried one hand away and used my sleeve to clear the window. 

                    There was no way she was going to make it, stubborn old woman! But she was close, so close to the door.  I could see her arm reaching for the handle.  I cringed as she listed to the side.  The tomato began to tremble and wobble, and with a quick grab she tried to reverse her course. Too late! There she was, swaying on one foot like a flamingo with a beer belly, trying to regain her balance. She was going to fall and break her hip, and then just guess who’s going to be stuck playing the organ in church for months on end while she healed. I banged on the window with both my palms.

                    “Drop the stupid tomato! Just let it go!”  I shouted.

                      Silence reigned in the diner and for once I had the full attention of everyone around me. I glared at Tommy, “She’s going to break her hip!” He glanced out the window and jumped out of his seat and ran for the door. I can’t be sure but I think I heard some words about the crazy old women in this town. Darn straight. They should have done something with Fay years ago.  Who needs a happy tomato in their garden anyway?

                      I turned and caught Lacey’s glare full on. The girl could chill iced tea with that one. 

                      “Stop that. You’re making me cold.”

                      “I learned from the best.”



                        I turned back to the window to see Tommy helping Fay to her feet.  The Happy Tomato was no where to be seen, probably squashed on the parking lot. Sheesh. Fay was lucky that thing hadn’t fallen on her.  I looked at Lacey out of the corner of my eye.

                      “What now?” I said.

                      She rolled her eyes. “Mo-ther, you ran into the back of your best friend’s coffee shop. Doesn’t that strike you as a problem? ”

                      I shrugged. “I got rid of all of the gnomes.”

                      “Mom! You wrecked their porch, and nearly went through their window.” She sighed, “Do you know how much that will cost? How much our insurance is going to go up?”

                        “Hrmph. I should think they should pay for something for all the money we’ve been paying into them for 40 years.”

                        “You still don’t get it do you? We’ll be paying even more now! ”

                        Well, I’m glad little Miss Uppity was so concerned about me.  I glared at her. “Well of  course I don’t get it! I never ran off to agricultural college half a country away,  I’m just the old woman who wanders aimlessly around the yard.  I don’t get the insurance, I don’t get you’re super-duper horticulturally correct principles or your newfangled machinery. I don’t get why you have to traumatize the violets by moving them to where the azaleas are, and put the rose bushes over by the raspberries when they were just fine….”

                        “Mom, if this is about the garden…”

                        “Oh hush up.” She scowled at me. Well goody for her. 

                        “You know what I really don’t get? Hmmmm?” I rushed on. “I don’t get how some things can work so well for 30 years and suddenly be of no use. I don’t get how things that have always gone so smoothly have to be tossed out for some sort of cheap novelty.”

Lacie opened her mouth as if to say something, but I didn’t give her the chance.

                          “And what I really, really, _really_ don’t get is how ….”  Well, I wish I could have finished that thought, but I couldn't because at that moment a deformed gnome came crashing down on the table in front of us.  I jumped and hit my poor knees on the bottom of the table, splashing my coffee over the edge of the cup burning two of my fingers and thumb. They hurt like the dickens, so I stuck them in my glass of water.

                          Lacey and I both stared at the gnome. It was the same green and red gnome paraplegic I had nearly stepped on.  It sat there staring balefully at me from it’s one eye, while Arnie stood over us like some sort of  wrathful, overweight god of justice.  Talk about disturbing,  that man should go on a diet.

         “Darn it Arnie, you just took three years off my life! And at our age that’s nothing to sneeze at.”

                    The old fool glowered at me.

                    “That was a collectable.”

                      Lacey started, and her eyes widened.  She dragged her gaze from the gnome to Arnie’s face. “They have gnome collectables? I had no 

                      idea.”

                      Neither did I and as far as I was concerned neither did Arnie. I bet I could buy the same gnome for $2.99 at the Wal-Mart across the street.

                      “Oh for heaven’s sake, you don’t get collectables at Wal-Mart.” I snapped. If he thought he was getting any sympathy from me after barging in on my grand finale like that, he could think again.

                      His eyebrows met in the middle of his forehead. I just bet he was trying to look indignant, but his eyebrows only succeeded in remind me of the caterpillar infestation we had last year in our poplar trees.

                      “I didn’t buy it at Wal-Mart.”

                      “K-Mart doesn’t count either.”

                      “Mom!” I felt a sharp pain in my shins. Like my legs don’t hurt enough.  I bet I have a goose egg on my shin the size of my coffee cup.  I kicked her back.

                      “Well it doesn’t, and I bet if I looked I’d see that it was made in China.” I glowered right back at Arnie.

                      “My  mother gave it to me, Anna Grace Friesen. And she got it from her mother.”

                        He lowered his face until it was just inches from mine. “And my grandma didn’t shop in Wal-Mart.”



                      With that he straightened up, and strode from the table, leaving me and Lacey to contemplate Mr. Gnome in silence.

                      After a moment, Lacey picked it up and turned it over in her hands. “Well, I don’t know where his grandma got this, but  wherever she picked it up I think she could have spent her money a whole lot better on other things.” She looked up at me with a twinkle in her eye. “He’s really ugly.”

                      I sighed. For some odd reason I couldn’t bring myself to insult the pathetic thing. “Well it only has half a face, what can you expect?”

I took the gnome from her hands and turned it over. I could just see the outlines of “Made in …” on it’s back  I flipped it back over, and it stared at me sadly with it’s one eye.  I patted what was left of it’s head.  I glanced out the window at the Wal-Mart in time to see Tommy Enns drive out of the parking lot with Fay tucked safely in the passenger seat, her Happy Tomato strapped firmly to the top of the car.  Life sure changes. Who was I trying to kid?

I held up the gnome beside my face. “We look like a matched pair, don’t we?” 

                        Lacey frowned. “Heck no. Your nose is way bigger.” She grinned at me. 

                        I thought about wadding up my napkin and throwing it at her, but I was too tired. Besides my fingers still hurt.  So I just took him down and traced his big ugly nose.

                        Lacey sighed. “Mom, you just have to ask…”

                        I waved my hand. “I know, I know.  I feel like such a bother though.  Besides,  I shouldn’t have to ask.” I stuck out my chin. “I used to drive the grain truck for your father. For thirty years.” I shook my head.  “You’d think I’d be able to drive into town without de-tailing peoples pets.”

                        “Mom, driving out in a field is way different than driving in town, you know that.” She chuckled. “Well, at least the cat got off easier than this guy.”  Her eyes narrowed and she bit her lip. I could just see the wheels turning in her head. She better not be thinking of putting me in a home. By golly, I’ll team up with Fay and we’ll make a run for it if she does that. Like my granddad used to say, better to die in the field with the cows than end up in one of those places.



                          “Tell you what, I’ll make you a deal. You let Bill or I drive you to town, and I’ll do what you want me to with the garden.”

                          I narrowed my eyes for a moment. “Without complaining? Or trying to change my mind?”

                          She raised up her hand. “Scout’s honor.”

                          I snorted. “You were never a scout. Or a girl guide either.”  I studied the way the lines traced their way down her weather-worn face.  “But you have a deal, if you let me drive.”

                          She hooted. “Tommy Enns would shoot me on sight.”

                          “I bet he’s a lousy shot. He never could shoot a basket ball when I taught him in sixth grade.”

                          “Mom, that’s a bit different than shooting a gun.” She shook her head, “Nope, no driving, I don’t need grey hair at my age, and I can’t afford to buy anyone else a new porch.” she paused and her eyes twinkled, “Or a new pet.  Is it a deal or not?”

                            Good grief, that was low.  Well,  you can’t blame an old lady for trying. I smiled at her.  “Deal.”. 

                            After Lacey finished dealing with Arnie and Clara she helped me limp my way back to the truck. Heavens,  I haven’t felt this bad since I fell down the well when I was nine years old and my daddy had to haul me out on the end of a rope. I was stuck in there for four hours before they figured out I was missing. I’m sure he let it swing it against the sides on purpose.  I’m glad I got my mothers genes.

                          Just before starting the truck, Lacey turned to me and said, “Hey, I grabbed something for you.” Before I could say anything she took something from her bag, and plunked it on the dash. 

                          I blinked. “You stole Arnie’s gnome! Good heavens girl, it’s a collectable you know. You’d better go put it back.”  The corners of my mouth began creeping up against my will. 

                          “Yeah, well you broke it.”  I could see the laugh lines at the corners of her eyes start to crinkle, as she started the truck.  “I don’t think Arnie has much use for it anymore.  Besides, I thought it might go well in our garden.”



                          “Just hold on a minute missy!  I thought I was deciding about the garden. Sheesh, the next thing you know you’re going to bring me a giant Happy Tomato too.”

                          “C’mon mom, don’t you want a happier garden?” Lacey grinned at me. 

                          I chuckled as I picked the gnome off the dashboard, and studied what was left of his crooked smile. I settled him on my lap.  Lifting my head I watched the yellow,  green and gold of the fields fly past, and took a deep breath of the alfalfa scented air. I glanced back down at my lap. He grinned his half grin crooked smile back at me.  Hmmm.  He didn’t seem as bad off as I thought he did.  You never know, he just might fit.