short story i wrote while bored in class

I slowly drift awake. Trying very hard to remember where I am. Familiar faces and voices swirl together, droning in and out. It needs to stop. I try to focus. Everything is blurry. Slowly I see faces. I see some people I don’t know. Why are they saying they love me? I’ve never met them. I’ve never had coffee or grabbed a smoke with them. They’re not my friends. Why do they keep telling me to do something I don’t want to do? I don’t want to give in anymore...but wait. Is that her? I thought she never wanted to see me anymore. I always gave into her. Even little things. We saw her movies, ate her favorite things, bought the car she wanted. I hated that car. Wrong color too. I always gave in without a fight. She met another man and I gave in without a fight. He’s more decisive she says...and he smiles. I never smile...not that I wasn’t happy just never felt like it. Never understood the need. Why would my muscles mechanically pulling on my face revealing my stained teeth please anyone? I hope he has a nice smile for her sake. She’s saying “I love you don’t do it!” I thought that as she left. My brain screamed it. It just never reached my mouth. She yells again. I want to do it...but I give into her again without a fight. I climb down off the building...the peace I felt up there fades. The same anxious feeling returns to my stomach. She hugs me. She kisses me tenderly. I use to lay awake at night and dream about kissing her again. It’s not the same. I try to push her away but she holds on. I give up and let her hold me. People on the street clap. Why reward me? What did I do to deserve applause? I failed, I gave in. People cry and give me their names and numbers. They tell me whatever i need they’re there for me. She says she will get me help. I go home alone. Nothing to eat here. When she was here with me and there was no groceries we’d get Chinese. I hate Chinese. Too salty. I always worried about the meat too. I worry a lot. I just want to be safe. Her new guy doesn’t worry. He takes risks. I rummage through my closet. Lots of pictures. I’m not smiling in them. Any of them. I was happy though, well I wasn’t sad anyways. I’m not sad now. I’m very constant. He’s spontaneous. That’s good. She likes that. I finally find it. The only spontaneous act I ever committed was buying this. Maybe it wasn’t spontaneous maybe it was a plan. She use to say I’m very organized. That’s amusing...but I don’t smile. I think of her. Today I won’t give in. I’ll take charge. For an instant I’m the man she always wanted me to be. I’m awake. I feel the trigger. I smile.