My Mirror

I hate mirrors, an odd thing for a grown man to hate but there you go I do. Not for the best reason either because I feel I can really see myself though a mirror. Other people see me and view me in a way I don't think, I'm seen as a nice guy one of the good people you know the guy who doesn't do any wrong and I'm not well I don't think I am anyway. I used to be a real small kid and young god i looked young early pictures of me still kept by my loving parents show this pale thing trying hard to smile while looking at his cartoon sized lightbulb head or the removed from star trek ears. Small flaws but to a young teenager those things are like the end of the world at the time when you grow and find out about yourself. I did and I wasn't at all happy with the person I found so I hid. I cracked jokes, I insulted people, I did things that I was sure to hide who I was, that deep darkness, that fucked up idea boiling away.



Which brings me back to why I hate mirrors cause in a mirror you see yourself perfectly clearly nothing else in human invention is around to help you view yourself and I no longer see that scared little boy. I miss that little boy in my face sure he used to cry a lot, was amazingly shy and still regrets not asking out that cute girl who joined our class in year 6 but there are worse childhoods. Now, now i'm a man 22 no hiding anymore no teenage angst to sit behind no mask or cloud out in the open. Sure i have found other ways to hide myself and what I feel  I am. The long hair used to cover head features I long disgusted over and stuble sometimes attepting a beard a further way to bury the look. In a mirror you look you stare deep at it and that's when I see it, in my eyes my cute green eyes I see the fucked up calling, I hear the darkness.



I hear the insults from my youth, I see the friends I blew off and left behind, I see life rushing past me so fast and I'm left wondering what if. I chose my path in life, I picked it a long time ago when I wasn't ready too when I was still learning then out in the real world I cracked and failed then failed a bit more each time breaking out cutting away screaming to the skies I can be better only to fall back down, left in the dirt and back in front of that mirror. No matter how much I lie or run from it this wasn't meant to be my life, I never wanted to be perfect but I wish  I could at least make someone proud of me. I'm not asking for much, no money, cars or respect from my fellow man I don't have any of those things now so it can't make that much of a issue but one person to be proud just for someone I love to be proud of me.



Yet still the mirror see when I see myself in that mirror I see only the darkness, I see the fuck up and failure, the man who talked down his best friend, the man who refuses to get close to anyone and the man who will bring nothing into the world but sadness. People in movies smash mirrors a lot it's the selling point for 'I have inner problems' and I understand that. I know why they all break mirrors smashing them with their fists they want the self judgement to stop, the moans of self doubt to come crashing down and the sick twisted thoughs to break and burn to the end. I am not perfect but I felt back when looking into a mirror was an innocent past time that I had earned more that I could do more. Is this the life I have doomed myself for, writting porn stories, talking to people online and keeping my dumb ass away from people I love cause the mirror looks and says it will only be taken away Is that really my life? or can I do more do I break the mirror crash out and admit my own darkness could I risk it cause I know it's there, I know what I am but is it worth it. Maybe I believe the mirror and the awful usless life I have been forced to leave and break the mirror not to break free but to stop fighting at all. The horrible truth is after 22 years on a rock flying around a sun I am still no closer to an answer than when I was all those years ago when that little boy changed.