Missing Life

The funeral song rang in my ears like a death charm. Today, my best friend’s father had passed away, and I stood beside her in the ceremony, solemn. Her father was like my own. I had grown up in a family where I never knew my father while my mother, who owned her own fashion line, could not offer me any of her time.

I spent most of my time at Kimberly’s place. Her parents would always let me stay for dinner, and more often than not allow me to stay over. They would scold me when I needed it and cry with me when I failed. They would give me long talks about choosing the right guy and even talk with me about my future. They did everything they could to make sure I fit in, to help me feel like I had a family.

The day he passed, I was busy with work, reading through tons of drafts waiting to be published. I had worked till 4 am and was about to nod off when a call came in. His heart had just stopped.

The guilt surged over me like a strong wave beating against the shore. Whether I liked it or not, I was becoming like my own mother. The last time I had seen him, was a year ago at Christmas. I wasn’t even at the New Year’s Eve party since my work was overwhelming.

The ceremony ended and everyone had offered their condolences. I gave Kimberly and Lydia a hug and walked back to the car.

Ray turned to me, “Are you gonna be okay?”

I nodded. “Just give me some time,” I leaned against the driver’s door.

Ray and I stood in silence for awhile. “Shall we go?”

I sighed. “You go on ahead first. I’ll walk.”

“Walk?! We live 10 kilometers away and you want to walk?”

“I just need some time to think through things Ray.”

Ray sighed. “My dear,” his hands cupped my face, and his forehead touched mine, “don’t think too much about it.”

I nodded.

He kissed my forehead. “Don’t be back late you hear? Be back by 7. We’re gonna have dinner together.”

“Okay,” I said as he opened the car door, “See you later…”

“Stay safe,” he fastened his seatbelt and drove off.

*****

Ray had everything planned out. The Ice Cream cake, the decorations, and he had even sent out the invites months ago in preparation for her 30th birthday. He had invited all her close friends and college mates. He had even invited the Grey family, and all had agreed to come, except for her own mother who was probably too busy to even reply. The passing of Steve Grey was unfortunate, but Kimberly had told him that morning that she’d still be there with her family.

“You sure?” he had asked her.

“Yeah, Dad would have wanted it. I mean, he always told me and my brother ‘When I die, don’t you dare mourn. I’ll be in heaven waiting for you, so don’t you dare feel sad that I got there before you!’” she imitated her father’s low voice. “So, I’ll be there.”

Ray had set everything up and was thawing the steak for pan frying. He was worried about Kyra; she had seemed really affected by Steve’s death. He had always known her to be a workaholic who had no time for even a short tea break, and he had never even once seen her stressed out, not to mention her being depressed. He prayed a short prayer that she would be okay, and then the doorbell rang. “Coming,” he wiped his hands on a dry cloth and opened the door. It was 5:30 and the first of the guests had started to arrive.

*****

I stared out into the lake. Everything seemed so surreal, so firm and stable, but the city behind me was as fragile as an egg shell, and it was crumbling beneath the weight of the world. It was only after Steve’s passing that I realized how fragile life really was. Now, I was missing him.

What am I gonna do now? I thought to myself. Steve’s dead, and I hate how I’m so insensitive and cruel. I hate it that I cannot get my priorities right. I hate myself… for what I’ve become. The tears started to form, and my nose cranked up. I brought my knees to my chest, and soon I was bawling like a baby.

*****

Seven, Eight, Nine. Ray kept checking his watch. The guests were entertaining themselves with Risk and Monopoly. He had called her several times over, but she had switched off her phone. Kimberly turned to him with a question in her eyes. Nope. He shook his head.

*****

I shuffled up the stairs to my apartment. I was tired and worn out from all the crying. I reached into my bag for the keys and unlocked the door. It was dark. I flipped the switch.

“Surprise!” Ray, Kimberly and Lydia jumped out from behind the couch.

I was in shock. “Wha-”

“Happy Birthday Kyra!” they shouted, a little off unison.

My birthday, I had forgotten! I noticed Kimberly and Lydia were there.

Ray came up to me “Sorry, it’s only the three of us left since you took so long.”

“Ray…Thanks really, but I don’t deserve to be celebrating now…”

“Kyra…” Kimberly took my hands in hers, “Dad would have wanted you to enjoy this day.” She knew what I felt. She pulled me into an embrace, and I cried into her shoulder as she stroked my hair. “He’s gone; he’s really gone Kyra… It's your birthday, celebrate it! Don’t let his death eat into you, focus on what you have, focus on the now. Focus on life.”

Life. That was something I had thrown away years ago.