GANGRENE

Yes yes yes. Okay fine. It was a beautiful day. Clouds, not exactly sunny. Okay it wasn’t perfect but it was good. No rain or anything. Fine? Good. Is this working for you?

Yes. I understand your rules. I get it. Procedures whatever. Listen, I just feel like we’ve been over this and over this and over this. What, do you think if we keep re-hashing the incident you’ll get more personal details from me?

September. It was September. And it may have rained the day before. But it definitely, definitely didn’t rain that day. Did you get that? There. My story hasn’t changed.

This sucks.

You’re going to ask the same questions, aren’t you? Isn’t that how this works? So, maybe I can just get it all out right now and move on with my life. Not that I have anywhere special to go. Not in these clothes. Yikes, right?

I should shave.

Okay, okay fine. I get it. Yes, it was probably about three in the morning. Absolutely. Three fifteen, at the most. Could’ve even been five or ten ‘til. Sorry, as time passes I think the details get fewer and fewer. But, check the records. I’m sure I was more precise last month. Maybe the month before.

Sorry.

Yes, three-ish, let’s say. That’s good. It was dark. I mean, I couldn’t see. But I knew where I was. I had been there several times before.

Oh, no? Funny how you leave some things out.

Yes, I mean, always be prepared right? I had been there many times. Let’s say five. Five times over the course of two weeks before it happened. Right, I was bored so when I got off work I just ran over there. What did I do? Well, nothing really. I just sat in my car. You know, like a stake-out. Dumb as it sounds, it was kind of fun. Nice not to be at home. Alone. Nice to have something to do. An agenda. You know, I was so used to just sitting around. Doing nothing. Television. Work was all I had. At the end of the day, clocking out and going home to wait to go to sleep to wait to clock in just wasn’t really exciting me anymore. I needed something else.

Oh, I don’t know. I’m not much of a hobbyist. Well, stalking isn’t a good hobby? I never even considered going in.

I’d met her before. Jeannie was always nice to me. I mean, she didn’t know me. That’s probably why she was nice. Had no idea who I was. I was a stranger. Honestly, I wish I still was. Screwing that up, that’s still my biggest regret.

I never told you that either? Sorry. You know what, that’s a real shame. Why do I even have to talk to you? Who cares what I have to say? What’s it matter? I’m here. How is that not enough? What else can you possibly do to me?

Oh, for me? Let me tell you what you can do for me. Go away.

No? Okay then. Jeannie was pretty. And, somehow I feel like I loved her. Maybe she loved me to, I don’t know. Now, of course, she says she does. But that’s just pity I think. Listen, she didn’t deserve her fate with all of this. No matter what she says. Yes, she’s better off. Clearly. Not that you care. Whoever’s listening to this tape or reading your transcripts. You don’t care. Okay? Make sure you write that down in your little notebook? Are you sure that thing’s on? You could not care less for Jeannie. None of you. Stop pretending like you do. Stop pretending like you need to know any of this. It’s over. Done with. I’m in here. How does that not meet all of your requirements? Why do you sit around here and pretend like you can fix anything?

You can’t? There’s some honesty.


What do you want me to say?


Okay, okay don’t go away. I guess I could use the company. Whatever. Stay as long as you want. It’s better than being alone. Where were we?

Yeah, so I would watch them. And wait for Jeannie to leave. See, she was supposed to be gone? That was the whole point. She starts work at six thirty, so she leaves at around ten after.

And? And that was it. I didn’t expect her to leave her lunch in the refrigerator. Even then, who’d come back for a friggin’ ham sandwich? Jeannie, honey, seriously. Go to Subway.


No, I had no intentions. I just wanted to meet him. That’s all. Say, hello. Say, I don’t blame you. Look at me. Honestly, I don’t blame you. I’d have done the same thing. I didn’t even introduce myself. Not really. Not as me, anyway. I just said hello.

Yeah, hello.

Uh, he didn’t really say hello back or anything. Just, what do you want? Obviously he was ticked or not expecting company or maybe he just wasn’t much of a morning person and I get that. So, I said hello again. And I explained.

Yes, correct. I lied. I said I was part of the neighborhood association. It’s not the best excuse, I admit. But it got me in the door. He was a real jerk. But I didn’t care. I mean, I half expected it. I was in the door. This was it. This is me and whatever you want to call him and it’s cliché but it’s really what happened and that’s what you’re here for, yes? And haven’t you heard all of this before?

It was a mistake to refer to him like that. That’s not what he is. Not to me. If your notes say that I ever called him that can you take it out? Please. Delete the tape? Do something. Listen you talk to me for long enough and I’ll say anything but I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean that.


The dog was hideous. Kept running around all over and jumping on me. And yeah, that’s when I saw it. Caught, just a glimpse of it first. Maybe the G. Noticed the name was really long but I didn’t want to pry so as I was making up random crap to say I asked. Biggest mistake I made that day.

What’s that? Yeah, that’s right. What was the dog’s name? I had been rattling off so many lies that it was only natural to say that she was beautiful. He no sooner swallowed his coffee to say she wasn’t. She knew it. Seemed joyful about it. Like he only kept her around because she was ugly. To laugh at her. Poor thing. Stupidest dog I’ve ever seen, yes. Half of her hair ripped out. Blood around her nostrils like someone cut between them or something. Awful stuff. Same way he treated Jeannie I’d imagine.

No. I’ve never asked. Listen I know she thinks I’m some kind of hero. I know she’s why I’m here and not in prison. I can’t help that. I should be in prison. Or dead. I didn’t do it for her. I didn’t even know her. I was never supposed to know her.


Who names their dog that?


I knew I didn’t need to hit him in the face twenty-seven times with the frying pan. I was fully aware he was dead the first or second time. That’s not the point. The man deserved to die. And the dog just kept yipping. And I just, finally wanted silence. Resolution. And I couldn’t get it because of the idiot dog so I just kept hitting. Oh, and I counted. And I kept telling the dog to shut up but it wouldn’t. Stupid thing seemed almost giddy running around like that. So fast. So loud.

The pan? It was just the easiest thing to get to. Just dumb luck that it was cast-iron. That wasn’t planned. Not that. I know you don’t believe that and, I don’t care. Jeannie knows. I know.

He knew how mom died. That’s what threw me off. He had to know. And what was this? It was like he was bragging about it. Or celebrating somehow.

Mom’s death? What does that have to do with this? I’m sure, if you just check your notes.

Okay. Okay, yes. I get it. How many times do we have to do this?

My mother was always sick, okay. She was a large woman and she suffered from diabetes almost all of her adult life. But she was a great mom. And she was all I had. And even though she was larger, she was still beautiful. And man did she have a mouth on her. Hilarious woman. But she did. She suffered. A lot. We were in and out of hospitals and it was really upsetting for her. They never really could do anything but say, you need to lose weight. You need to lose weight.

Yeah, exactly. It’s easy to say. But she was a warrior. She fought everything for many years. And then this, this.


Sorry about that. Some kind of bacterial infection. It produced gas within the tissues. And it apparently happened really fast. I was twelve.
Right. Yes. I don’t like to talk about it. That’s all.

After she died? Well, my dad didn’t want me so I lived with my grandparents. Saints. Nobody told me my dad didn’t want me, of course. Since I never met him it was easy for them just to say he didn’t exist or he wasn’t alive but somehow I always knew. Mom never told me. But I felt it. I could tell that she was in love once and that he was never very far away. You can see that sort of thing in somebody’s eyes after a while.


Could see it in that dog’s eyes.

Jeannie’s too. That’s right.

Listen, I didn’t do this for anybody. It was a mistake. I took it too far, obviously. I didn’t do any favors then and I don’t want any now. I’m a dangerous person.

Yes, I understand that this is being recorded.

Yes, I understand that it can be used against me.

I get it. I get it all.

The man, he knew how she died. And then he named the dog. And he beat everything he could get his hands on and then he laughed about it.

I laughed. After seven or eight or nine, I can’t remember. Every time I counted once more, I laughed. At him. At the stupid dog. I didn’t hear the door open I was counting and laughing so loud. That and the dog carrying on. I would have probably beat it too. But she was so beautiful. 


That’s fine, next week’s fine.