Dear Testosterone

Dear Person who lacks morals,

It's 2:30 am, and I'm awake with the memories once again. Shaken awake by your groping fingers, inching towards parts of me that even I don't want to see. And when I remember those days, of hiding every natural 'high' you passed on through concealed lies, I tremble beneath the blankets. I knew I shouldn't have ate those chips six hours ago. Their thick substance is still swimming around inside my bloodstream, and I can already feel my hips filling out even more.

"Get any fatter, and he won't love you anymore."
Well maybe that's the plan.

My mind repeats itself, when in the presence of a true love
And thanks to you, I can't even look at him, without feeling like I'm less than he imagined
You opened up places that never see the light of day
and when I look into his eyes, I feel ashamed

All I can hear is your voice in my head, whispering my name and telling me that everything will be okay as long as I do what you say
I can't hear his heartbeat, even when he's next to me



It's 3:00 am, and I'm still awake and alone with incoherent thoughts
My body aches with the invisible DNA structures that you smudged into my pores,
using the same fingers that helped bring her into this world, and shortly afterward; me
I can't sleep because everytime I close my eyes, all I can see is darkness that goes on forever
and I feel the world is shrinking in his absence but I'm too used up to reach for him,
afraid he might open me up and realize I'm not what he was looking for

I can feel your eyes glazing over, looking at all the arches and circles, and bulges that fill out my appalling frame,
and you're not touching me anymore with those fingers,
but it's worse because your fondling me with those eyes

And all I want, is to go back and start my childhood over again, this time, deleting you from the countless chapters that you oh so sweetly ruined,
with erotic corruptions

Farewell,
Your no longer innocent grand-daughter
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Dear My own personal nirvana,

You lift me up into the clouds, and I can feel myself fall back down, but this time,
I'm tumbling backwards in slow motion
Because of him, you will never have me fresh, because I've already been torn apart once
and now whatever comes, will be the leftovers

You'll never know the cost of what he did to me
Never feel the guilt I feel, constantly weighing down on me

And for that, I am forever jealous.

You hold me close, in an almost deathgrip, because you say,
I can never escape
But one if one day, I must escape,
Will you hang me up to dry?
And watch the ridicules be my nightlight?

Your lips on my neck as your breath
leaks into my filthy pores,
and all I feel is the dirt and grim that floats to the surface

You stroke my cheek with your kisses, both arms pinned to my waist.
and I know, now I'll never escape
Even if I wanted to
Never escape the chains of intimacy that are so easily closing up
the extra space where my rib cage meets skin and skin

I can feel you run your fingers down my sides
closer and closer to your destination
and I know, that the only thing stopping you, is your self

Being so close to losing it all, brings back the past, of murky waters
and damnable endings
With afternoons spent with his hands inside me, dancing through broken passageways and intersections, that I never let even Mommy and Daddy see

I feel you holding me in your arms; moving your mouth through mine; caressing curves that I never had before
but I am not myself
I'm just a bystander; a stranger passing by
That just so happened to witness the show
As you anticipate the next episode

Bye for now,
Your contemptible girlfriend