Gone

Leyna tried to remain calm, but her tapping foot refused to settle. She had located a picture of them, and had stuffed it into her oversized magenta hand bag. She checked her watch again. “I thought I was supposed to be the late one…” she mumbled softly to herself.
The waitress approached her again. “I have a table ready for two, whenever your party is here.”
“Sweet deal,” she responded apathetically.
The lobby was jam-packed, and Leyna wished Allie would show up. Her impatience was growing rapidly. She opened her bag, and realized that the cap of her foundation makeup had unscrewed. The photograph had been somehow spared, but her wallet and keys were caked with porcelain-toned Cover Girl liquid foundation.
“Shit.”
As she attempted to clean up her purse with tissues and anti-bacterial gel, her attention was diverted. The Italian scenery on the walls was two-dimensional. It was an impossibility right now, but she would get there some day. Some day.
She gathered her thick, long, chocolate locks, and then released them through her fingers. Her eyes glazed over and drifted toward the waitress, again.
“If you would prefer to be seated, you may.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll wait.”
“Okay, then.”
Leyna scanned the faces surrounding her, all waiting for a seat at DiMarco’s. It was a local favorite, mainly because there wasn’t much else around in Lancaster, PA. Still, it was great service and food. The circular door cycled once more, and finally, in neon yellow crop pants, a black tee-shirt and stilettos, Allie dashed into DiMarco’s. Her face seemed slightly sagging and the dark circles underneath her eyes were unmasked. Time was so rushed these days. Packing seemed to be unending minutes, hours and days. During her limited downtime, she would singularly stare at an old tablet of cursive writing from second grade, or her Girl Scout sash, wrinkled with patches peeled half ways. She had to make time for this though.
“Leyna!”
“Allie, I thought you forgot this place, or something,” Leyna replied.
“Hey girl, let’s not talk about late.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Leyna asked.
“You know,” Allie answered with a failed attempt at a smile. A long pause gave way to shifting glances.
* * *
Before Leyna had left for DiMarco’s, she had read over the last page of her yearbook, one more time. Now she couldn’t get it out of her head.
Leyna,
I am writing this to you because I think it needs to be said. We have been friends for 12 years, our entire lifetime, practically, and I am not about to leave this situation as it is. I know you don’t think you can always trust me, but I am here. I am always here.
We are heading our separate ways. I am off to Temple for a career in journalism and you…you are heading to Indiana because you got into one of the best freaking music schools in the country! Indiana U! That is unbelievably amazing and I am so proud of you.
This year has been different. I know that every year I make you reserve a page for me to write in your yearbook, but this year is tough for me. I don’t know what to say exactly, so I will try my best.
In a sense, I am just angry and frustrated with you. With the way you treat me, as if I have the capability of enduring everything. Glares, silence, sarcastic comments. I know most of your disenchantment isn’t about me…Your mom and you…I know parts of it but you always seem to take it out on me. At least these past few months.
You didn’t even acknowledge my birthday. Do you know how that was? Do you know how that made me feel? My supposed best friend doesn’t even wish me a happy eighteenth birthday, let alone give me a present or even a card.
But yet… You aren’t just my “supposed” best friend. You are my best friend. Even though you have had your issues this year, with your family, with guys, with the whole entire school practically…I wish you could have let me in. Allowed me to be there, to listen. I don’t want it to be like that again. Please don’t let it be like that again.
Graduation is two days away and I just hope we can resolve things. Because before you know it, our childhoods will be gone. I don’t want to leave for college without some sort of resolution. I think we are more than that. I hope we are. Hello and goodbye, Leyna.
Love, Allie
Those honest, biting written words of Allie’s were still resonating in Leyna’s head. She resisted the urge to talk about it.
“Love your outfit Allie…” Leyna said suddenly.
“Hah, I figured you would. I didn’t quite master the awesomeness of Miss Rochele’s style…but I have improved from jeans and sweats, right?”
“Oh yeah, most definitely. Even I can’t imitate that great style of hers. Green crop pants and a maroon tank, with those black and white flats. That’s the one class I will miss, she introduced us to so much. Meditation at Lagunita’s. It doesn’t hurt that Robert Hass has become my favorite poet. Blackberry, blackberry, blackberry…”
Allie leaned into her left side; she always did.
“I love that poem too,” Allie reflected.
“Excuse me, ladies. Are you ready to be seated now?” the waitress asked.
“Oh yeah, sure,” Allie replied, as she and Leyna followed the waitress. The narrow hallway gave way to the single dining room. Both girls were accustomed to the dim, but not too dim, lighting there that created facial shadows and made their eyes stand alone, marbled green-blue and gold-flecked brown.
“I meant to call you last month, but then the beach vacation came up, and you know…I figured work and practicing, all that. You’d be busy,” Allie tentatively began.
“Can I start you with some drinks?” the waitress began.
“A water with extra lemon, please,” Leyna automatically responded.
“Same for me,” Allie added.
“Ah yeah it’s ok. I am busy. I just need a second to breathe, you know? I have to keep these pathetic legs going. Otherwise, I just collapse, and sleep for twelve hours.”
“Yeah, I hear you.”
“Right…”
“So are you ready?”
“Yeah, I guess so. At least I am getting out of Pennsylvania. If I am lucky, this hick town will be gone from my memory before I know it. I need a clean break. Long overdue, in my opinion. Haven’t heard much though, about the room or anything. It’s just…it’s all happening. Me more than anybody…I have been waiting for this, just wanting it so much. But I’m sort of scared.”
“Same here. I just think, living with another person even. Scary.”
“Hopefully she isn’t scene or anything. I don’t want a hipster as my roommate. God knows I have had my share of them in the music world as is…” Leyna said disparagingly.
“You don’t seem so happy. Aren’t you excited?” Allie said.
“Sure. I think so. It has to be better than this.”
“What went wrong?”
“This year?”
“Here are you waters, girls.”
“Thanks,” they said in unison.
“Ready to order?”
“Soup and salad combo.”
“Same for me,” Leyna said.
“Alright then, I’ll have that ready for you soon.”
“Yeah, this year,” Allie resumed.
“Everything. Nothing. The classes, the teachers, but mainly you know, everyone else. I couldn’t bear to sit with them. Eat with them. Listen to them go on about their asinine problems and lives. Drones. It just made me sicker than I already was.”
“I could never really understand it, from my perspective. I knew a lot was going on, but you didn’t really reveal a whole lot,” Allie responded.
“I found a picture of us, by the way. From second grade. I think your mom probably gave it to me. We could have used it in that ‘Friends’ memory ads section of the yearbook.”
“Oh yeah…the yearbook.”
“It was good, what you wrote. I’m still the emotional wreck I was then, but you were honest. That’s good for a lot, actually. I just wish sometimes we were still that close, like in elementary school.”
Allie was surprised by Leyna’s bluntness. Usually she avoided stating her feelings. Instead, Leyna’s facial expressions served as the main portal to her inner conflict. It had been so much easier when they were younger. Leyna would say what was on her mind. Now Allie had to routinely decipher her ambiguous words, and usually ended up over-analyzing in the process.
Smiling and thinking back, Allie responded honestly, saying, “I know exactly what you mean.”
* * *
It was 7:30 in the morning, and Leyna came running into Mr. William’s classroom, where Allie was reading another Nancy Drew mystery, oblivious to the people around her.
“Allie!!! I can stay overnight! My mom said I could---she is actually letting me!” Leyna announced as she shook and hugged Allie in the excitement of the moment.
“Really? She didn’t talk about my house again, did she?” Allie asked.
“No…she still doesn’t like where you live, but this time she said it was okay. I kept crying and she finally let me!”
“That is so awesome! We’ll watch T-G-I-F and play Monopoly and I think my mom will make some of her amazing chocolate-chip cookies and everything! My best friend finally can sleep over at my house!”
“You know how my mom is…she is so silly, you know?”
“I wish she didn’t care so much about which part of town I am from.”
“It’s just the way she is.”
“Yeah, Ley, I know.”
“It doesn’t really matter what my mom thinks. We are best friends, and that is all that matters.”
“Yup! Best friends forever!”
“Forever,” Leyna repeated.
* * *
Leyna lifted the photograph out of her purse, along with a small envelope. It was the two of them, jumping in the leaves in Allie’s backyard. Leyna was dressed in her orange leggings and multi-colored knit sweater, while Allie sported stone-washed, boot-cut jeans and her Les Miserables sweatshirt. They were smiling, faces positioned upward, eyes searching the cloudy sky.
Leyna handed the envelope and picture to Allie.
“Read this later, ok?”
“Ok, Ley.”
“Remember those Friday night sleepovers? Family Matters and Boy Meets World on ABC---it was the best. No one could deny,” Leyna reminisced. Allie’s cell phone suddenly rang from the depths of her own purse. It was Joshua.
“Hey baby, I told you not to call, remember? I’m with Leyna right now. Alright. Talk to you later. I love you.”
“How are you guys?”
“I don’t know. We are leaving for college. What do you think? Do these long distance things work?”
“Maybe,” Leyna offered.
“Here’s the soup and salad, ladies,” the waitress interrupted.
* * *
She was glad they had gotten together. It had been a while. Allie seemed about the same; she had a little more edge and honesty to her, but overall she was the same girl she knew for twelve years. Leyna used to fear that type of honesty. The kind that ripped at you, and made you flush red and caused tears to sit on the edges of the eye ducts. The kind that never left your eyes, because you were fighting so hard against them. Conversely, it had been five days since she had felt like crying. That had to be some sort of record, she figured.
“When are you going to finish packing, Ley?”
“Whenever I get to it, mom!” Leyna answered sharply.
“Don’t put your father and me through all that. We need to load everything up. Now!”
“Right. Okay,” Leyna responded blankly.
“Leyna! God knows why I even had you…” Leyna’s mother muttered.
Her mom’s voice pierced her more that day than usual. Thank god I am out of here. Gone. Thank god! It seemed like the perfect occasion for blasting Elliott Smith. Figure 8 always shut her mom out. And her father. What are they going to with their only child gone? Divorce, maybe.
“Bitch,” her mom mumbled. It was just loud enough for Leyna to hear it. So what if I am? Her mom edged on cruel during transitions. Deaths, moves, job changes. It was always the same. It was her way of caring.
“So does that make me a daughter of a bitch, too??” she yelled back. It is time to start packing, I guess.
No response. She didn’t really expect one. The past five years she had devoted all her time, energy and love to her clarinet. She had evaded interpersonal relationships. They just complicated things. But now… Obviously her parents meant something, maybe, and Allie--she was her best friend, but their relationship never really could be neatly defined or categorized. She was there, she was connected, but there were limitations. Leyna never really had been able to maintain a relationship with a guy either. Sometimes she wondered for hours on that topic, trying to come up with reasons. So far, she had decided that she was just too screwed up to handle. Her attraction was a tricky thing too. She couldn’t decide if it was even guys she was after. It varied day by day.
And as for her parents…why couldn’t she have a normal mother, anyway? One that was supportive, comforting, and knowledgeable in the ways of the world. Instead she had a mother who used her middle finger to settle matters on a constant basis, and was so wrapped up in the workload of being an attorney that she rarely was home to share a meal with her daughter. Socioeconomic class meant nothing, Leyna had decided. She had it just as bad as a lot of poor alcoholics’ kids. She was positive of this.
It was time to focus on packing though. Focus, focus…what did she need to pack? She was traveling over 500 miles away from this place, and yet, she was procrastinating. Since freshman year of high school, she had wanted to leave this dull, damp, manure-stinking town. She wanted something more, she craved culture. In her opinion, Lancaster did little to provide that. It provided nothing at all. A mall, a movie theater, and DiMarco’s. That was it.
* * *
The theme song to Seinfeld began playing from inside Allie’s bag---incoming call-Leyna. Leyna? Strange.
“Hello? Leyna?”
“Yeah it’s me. I was just wondering if we could talk.”
Allie’s stomach did a little somersault. Leyna never called. Never. Maybe she just wants to hear about college. Maybe? We are two weeks in now.
“Oh hey, well that’s cool. My roommate’s gone, and I am just editing my digital photos on the laptop.”
“Any good ones?”
“A few. People here are pretty cool about being bombarded with flashes. Much better than in Lancaster.”
“Awesome. I am glad you have finally found your audience.”
“Yes,” Allie responded easily. “So, how is it going for you?”
“I don’t even know. Just feeling kind of weird.”
“Oh?”
“It feels as if all of my energy is now focused on something. But I’m not sure it’s focused on the right thing. I’m lost…” Leyna trailed.
“You mean with music?”
“With music, yeah, mainly. But like…everything. Like, maybe I shouldn’t be here, because it doesn’t feel right.”
“It’s only the second week.”
“Yeah.”
“It could improve. It probably will. You are far away though… You can always join me at Temple, you know. They offered you a full-tuition scholarship, didn’t they?” Allie responded. If it were me, God knows I would feel stranded. It’s Indiana for Christ sakes!
“Yeah they did. It’s not so much the distance, though. It’s…it’s…I don’t know. I have no person here I trust yet. I have no family. I guess all I had was my sadistic mother and my unavailable father anyway. I have nobody from high school. I have my goals, my aspirations. But they aren’t my life anymore. They seem so trivial.”
“Your goals aren’t trivial. You know that. And so what if music becomes something else. Even if it isn’t what you are going to do—you’re not boxed in. You could do anything. You know that too. And this is your chance…your chance to escape the way things were. Your mom is a bitch, but it will be ok. You will get through it. You always do.”
“I wish I could predict the future. I wish something could settle me. I need you Allie. I need you here.”
“Leyna, I am always here for you.”
“Yeah.”
“It will be ok. If I could fly out, I would.”
“Yeah.”
* * *
“Eddie Lane.”
“Here.”
“Melissa McAdams.”
“Here.”
“Leyna Moretti.”
Silence. Of course Leyna wasn’t there. She never was there on test days. They were beyond her after all. Allie’s infuriation with her friend was somewhat uncalled for, and if she didn’t let it bottle up so much, it wouldn’t be so bad.
As Allie made her way through another monotonous Monday morning, she passed by the office. She saw Leyna there, with a flat, exhausting expression on her face, as her father signed her into classes late. How does she get away with it?! Because she is a freaking genius on the clarinet, and the band director makes pets out of his prodigies. And the band director has high authority around here, it seems.
“Hey, Allie…” Leyna called, as she stepped out of the office and caught her friend’s eye.
“Hey. Nice of you to show up.”
“Did I miss anything?”
“A test. A quiz. A bunch of history notes.”
“Can I get them later?”
“Sure. Lunchtime.”
“Awesome. Catch you then.”
“See you later.”
Why do I appease her?? WHY! She walks all over me, and yet… A shiver rushed down her, into her blood stream, her arms full of goose bumps. She always got spells of shivers and coldness whenever she was disappointed with herself, with her confusion, with her unquestioned alliance to her forever friend. Her friend who was as distant to her now as ever. God help me. God help me.
* * *
Allie’s resolve to soak up all of the college experience was shocking even herself. She had never been too much of a social butterfly, but here it seemed that she was offered a new start. Away from the old stereotypes. She was more than a book worm, after all. Allie understood the inability to trust, though, like Leyna. A few more weeks at college had loosened her a bit. She didn’t drink, but she had still found her way to a few parties. Leyna had always chastised even the faintest desire of Allie’s to drink.
“What’s the point?” she would ask.
“Well---it is a way of letting go of reality, I think. Just relaxing, not so much anxiety. All of that,” Allie would respond.
“Allie, come on. It is for losers with little else to do but waste away their days and nights. It is a waste of calories, dollars, and most importantly, brain cells.” That was Leyna’s typical argument. Allie eventually decided to adopt sobriety too. She had never been one to really let people’s opinions of her rule the actions she took. Nor was she anxiety-ridden either.
As Allie turned on her phone after her last class on an early October afternoon, she noticed a missed call. Leyna again! Strange. She pressed the send button, and waited for Leyna’s typically apathetic voice.
“Hey Allie!” Leyna greeted, uncharacteristically enthusiastic.
“Hey girl! How’s it going?” Allie replied.
“Awesome---for once. I was checking in on how things were going with you. It’s been a few weeks since we talked. Things have been better around here. A bunch of freaking amazing concerts, for one thing. Bright Eyes was just…I can’t even describe,” Leyna chatted away, rapidly.
“That’s cool! Yeah things are pretty good here too…I am going home in a week and a half for fall break, so it will be good to see the family. And this Saturday my friends and I are going to New York to see The Producers on Broadway. I am so psyched!”
“Ah yeah, I miss the East Coast thing sometimes. Well, I better get going for right now, but I want to talk later, okay? My friends from the floor are going shopping a little, then dinner, and then we are going to hit up a party. My first actually.”
“Whoa, I never thought I’d see the day! You better watch out for the guys though, Leyna. Make sure they don’t slip anything into your soda or anything. I’m serious.”
“Right. I’ll be cool. Besides, I’ll have people there to protect me from those crazed lunatics. Have no fear.”
“With you…never.”
“Haha, that’s good. Well, give me a call this weekend, okay? Tell me how New York is, alright?”
“You got it. And you have fun shopping and partying! I’m sure you will.”
“Talk to you later!” Leyna said excitedly.
“Adios!”
* * *
“Allie?”
“Mrs. Moretti? Hi, I didn’t even know you had this number.”
“It was in Leyna’s cell phone,” Mrs. Moretti said quickly.
“Oh…”
There was a silence. There always was whenever Allie talked with Leyna’s parents. They didn’t seem to know how to communicate with her very well. Allie knew too much about Mrs. Moretti, she knew the family’s dirty laundry. But it wasn’t just silence or awkwardness this time. There was something in the background. Faint. Allie pressed the cell phone closer to her ear, but she still couldn’t distinguish the little sounds. Almost like a buzz, but, that couldn’t be it.
“She’s gone.”
Gone?
“What do you mean…gone?”
“Allie…” Mrs. Moretti hesitated momentarily, “Leyna’s dead.”
“What?!”
“Leyna died of alcohol poisoning last night.”
That couldn’t be. Leyna didn’t drink. She was all about sobriety.
“No. It’s not possible. I talked to her yesterday!”
“I…I…I…you needed to know. God…she hated me, didn’t she!” She was crying now in self-realization and regret. Not just the phone muzzling the sound. The undistinguishable buzzing. No---now it was gut-wrenching. Now it was two vertical streams. Allie had never seen her cry. Now she had to hear it.
“Oh, Mrs. Moretti…” Allie attempted to comfort her but couldn’t think of anything.
“Oh Allie…Allie…call your parents. Please…I can’t talk...”
“Goodbye…” Allie whispered.
“Goodbye…”
* * *
Allie threw herself on top of her fluffy, down-comforter and found comfort in the child’s pose, a position that was used for stretching in all the aerobics classes she had ever attended. She always had looked forward to it; her knees bent, face nearest to the ground (or bed), and hands folded together underneath. That was a release and even now, her body began to relax. She heard Mrs. Moretti’s tears, even after hanging up the phone, but all she could do was bury her face in her mountain of pillows. Her own eyes were dry.
She wrapped the comforter around her slender body, seeking its warmth, even though it was still warm outside. She termed it internal coldness. Sometimes she had no explanation for why it happened, but usually she started to shiver uncontrollably when she was in a state of fear or confusion. Goose bumps and cold feet, but no tears.
Samantha, Allie’s roommate, opened the door suddenly. She was laughing with Sue, the girl across the hall. Samantha created humor, wherever she went. She was a sponge for hilarity, it seemed.
“Allie? Allie what’s wrong?!” Samantha exclaimed as she shut the door. Her roommate was contorted in a way in which she had never seen before.
“I…don’t know. I can’t…” Allie tried to respond, peeking her head from underneath the comforter.
“Oh I can leave, I’m sorry. Whatever it is, we can talk later. I’ll just be with Sue if you need me, ok?”
“Thanks so much.” All gone.
There was no closure. The circumstances that had drawn the two together, the same reading group in first grade, the tie that compelled them to stay friends, conversation and trust, it was all so complicated. Their relationship persisted, even though relatives and friends could never understand it. Even when she would tell her parents about Leyna, they would sympathize, but that would be it. Her roommate wouldn’t recall her name, since Allie had never bothered to mention Leyna. Allie didn’t even know why that was. Was college a way of escaping high school? Leyna? Allie wasn’t sure how to think about it all. It didn’t make sense yet.
* * *
The temperature see-sawed until mid-November, when Allie was sure winter was coming. It was her favorite time of the year. Christmas, at home for the holidays, a month long break from school, and 40 hour weeks at the Giant Market closest to her house. Business helped her, distracted her, calmed her. What had started as the ideal roommate had turned into a chatterbox who popped in and out of the room in irregular patterns. Just when she thought she could have an hour or two to herself, Samantha was there, ready to talk about her boy troubles and her ever-changing majors, minors, areas of concentration. Allie needed space from school, and it finally had arrived.
“Allie, want a cup of hot chocolate?” Allie’s mom asked, as she knocked and entered Allie’s room.
The room was disheveled, books and papers scattered across the floor and Allie was in the middle, trashing most of it, piece by piece.
“Allie! What are you doing?”
“Just cleaning some stuff. I’ve needed to do this for a while.”
“Is it high school stuff?”
“Yeah.”
“Allie, its time to take a break. How long have you been at it?”
“An hour or so.”
“Looking for something?”
“Nah.”
“Take a break.”
“I will, mom, don’t worry. I have to go to work in a few hours anyway.”
“That doesn’t qualify as a break, baby.”
“I know. I’ll take that cup of chocolate, k?”
“Ok. I’ll heat up the pot.”
“Thanks, mom.”
She was looking for something. Something she hadn’t looked at since August. She didn’t know where it was. She knew it would turn up. She flipped through a journal from seventh grade when it hit her---her junk drawer, underneath a stack of basketball cards. She hesitated, first looking at the picture, then switching her eyes to the letter that had accompanied it, that consisted of three rose-petal pressed pages.
Allie,
I picked this picture to give you because I think it represents us, the way we were. I miss the closeness, the way we used to coexist, like nothing could get between us. I know I hurt you about missing your birthday, and if I have any explanation for you, how does going on my first anti-depressant strike you? It isn’t an excuse, but I had an extremely bad experience with it and my whole world shut down for a few days. Sadly, your birthday was one of those days, and I am sorry.
I am sorry that you had to approach me through the yearbook. This year has been a tough one. Sure, leaving Lancaster seems ideal, perfect, right. But if you can read me like I know you can, I am scared shitless. Nothing seems to fit. I just wish I could feel ok, you know? To live a day in your life… The boyfriend, the family, the journalism, the school that isn’t too far away, but far enough.
Don’t you see why I distanced myself from you? It wasn’t just a difference in me. It was you too. You didn’t seem to need your lonesome, apathetic, depressed friend anymore. You didn’t see it that way, but…leave it to me to misinterpret. You have the life I always wanted.
I may have the brain, the music ability, the money. But you. You are real. You are smart, well-rounded, angry when provoked, but overall easy going. You seem to be able to care about others. I don’t have that, Allie. I wish I did. Some of us are born empathetic, and I just am…self-centered. I know it. I recognize it. It leaves me lonely. I care about you, a few others and that’s it.
Sometimes I just freak out at my mom, because she is the reason. She is me, and I am her. She raised me to be her little bitch, her little diva. She is the fucking antithesis of you! She is my devil, you are my angel. You keep me sane, she drives me insane. And I don’t use those words lightly.
And I thought I was going to talk about going away to college…I guess it always goes back to our past, not our future. If there is one goal I have though, it is to stay friends with you. If I say it once, I say it a million times…you are the best friend a girl could want. And chances are, I may only say it once or twice. That is just me. I have trouble with these things. But Allie, we will be ok, right? I think so.
Always,
Leyna
“Allie! Allie, are you there? Or did you fall into that abyss, your room?”
Allie stuffed the sheets back into the envelope, took a deep breath, and finally answered, “Here, mom. Coming.”
* * *
Allie had met him at the beginning of senior year at Temple. She had had her share of relationships, but nothing had stuck. She hadn’t allowed herself to become too attached to anyone. Frank had caught her attention in her Philosophy class that she decided to take as an elective. Every now and then they would walk together after class, discussing the role of friendship, ethical development, or the differences between collectivist and individualistic cultures. Other times, they would discuss the degradation of popular music and every once in a while, they would talk about themselves.
One afternoon, nearing the end of the semester, Frank began to ask Allie about her high school experience, and how things had changed since.
“Oh, I don’t know. It was a while ago. I remember wanting to leave, but not really out of any despise for the place. More so…I just wanted a fresh start, you know?” Allie responded.
“Do you still keep up with your friends from high school?” Frank asked.
“Not really. No, not at all, to be truthful. I wanted to, but you know how things go.”
“Sure, sure. Did you have any boyfriends?”
“What’s with all the high school questions, Frank?”
“Just wondering. I always like to imagine how it was only 5 or 6 years ago for people. Try to get some idea of who they were. And with you…I draw a blank, you know?”
“A blank? Is that a bad thing?”
“No…more like an intriguing thing.”
“Well…for the sake of intriguing. Yes, I did have one boyfriend. His name was Joshua and we dated for two years. He was a really nice kid, but not overly interesting. Sometimes I wonder if we dated simply because we lived so close, had so many classes together, mutual friends. Looking back…no real chemistry, you know?”
“Gotcha. What about a best friend?”
“Best friend? Didn’t really have one of those either,” Allie responded, surprising herself as the words rolled out of her mouth.
“Well…any boyfriends or best friends now?”
“No to the first, yes to the second. Why?” Allie asked amused, relieved that the high school questions were over.
“Just checking,” Frank said with a sly grin. “Because Allie, I have several friends who would be perfect for you.”
“Perfect, huh?” Allie said, as she grabbed and pulled off Frank’s Phillies baseball cap which hid his dirty-blonde, shaggy hair. “Not possible.”
“And my hat has something to do with it?”
“No…I just am getting sick of the wind blowing hair in my face, and I figured I needed it more than you.”
Frank readjusted the hat on Allie, tilting it a little to the side, and then tucked a wisp of her dark hair behind her ear. He attempted to look into her mystical blue-green eyes, but she seemed to be avoiding eye contact.
“In all seriousness, Allie. I’d like to get to know you better, but it is totally up to you. I know it is senior year, I know it may not be the right timing. But I wanted to put it out there.”
“Get to know me better…is that code for…what exactly?”
“Anything you want it to mean.”
“Cool…just checking,” Allie responded. “In that case, I would like to get to know you better too, Frank…”
* * *
Aerobics class was her sanctuary. She used it for exercise, but she used it for relaxation too. It was the one exercise she had kept up with since college. Allie had married Frank a year after graduation, moved back to her hometown, found a successful position as journalist for Lancaster’s local paper, the Intelligencer Journal, and raised three girls.
“Bicep curls. ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR-FIVE-SIX-SEVEN-EIGHT. Now relax,” the instructor called out. “Get into child’s pose. Do you feel your muscles relaxing?”
I used to fall asleep this way, when I was a kid. I should try it sometime…
Allie had been suffering from bouts of insomnia for a few months, and nothing seemed to kick it. Various sleeping aids certainly didn’t work for her, despite the family doctor’s raving reviews for each specific one. They just made her even more drained.
“Now crunches, everyone. I want one minute straight, then a water break, okay?”
A lot was on her mind these days, certainly. Her youngest daughter was two months away from graduating from high school and she was overly concerned about it. She and Dana were extremely close, and talked about everything. She couldn’t imagine life without her daughter around. Dana had been accepted and planned on attending the University of Pennsylvania. So bright, such promise. She can’t let go of herself. She won’t, she can’t. She can’t fail like Leyna… She has so much to offer. Aside from Frank, Dana was the one who kept her sane day-in, day-out.
* * *
College was now a reality that Allie had to face. Again. She witnessed so many mothers weeping as they said their final goodbyes. Allie was not that type of mother, even if she was upset. Frank and Allie had planned everything perfectly for their youngest daughter. They had spent hours painstakingly setting up the latest technology, in hopes of providing all of the comforts of home, and then some. Allie couldn’t believe that she would now be coming home to an empty nest.
“I love you so much, Dana.”
“I love you too, Mom! I will call you every day, don’t worry.”
“You don’t have to call me every day. You shouldn’t feel obligated.”
“Mom, it’s not an obligation. It’s who we are.”
“I’m going to miss you so much, baby.”
“It will be okay, Mom.”
“Goodbye, Dana,” she said simply, kissing her daughter on the forehead as she hung the last of her daughter’s clothing in the closet.
“I love you too, Dana,” Frank said softly.
“I love you, Daddy!” Dana exclaimed with a big hug.
As Allie and Frank were leaving the dorms, Dana came running down the hall.
“Mom. I wanted to ask you one more thing.”
“What’s that?”
“What if I can’t sleep?”
“Then you can call me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course, Dana.”
Dana glanced momentarily at her mom’s tired, worried eyes. No tears. She hadn’t expected any. Her mom never showed emotion. She vocalized it, but never physically displayed it. She too kept her own anxiety inside of her, hidden behind a placid yet strong exterior that she had developed from her mom. Dana didn’t want to upset her mom today, of all days.
“Goodbye, mom.”
“I guess this is it, baby. I love you,” Allie said wearily. It was going to be another long, sleepless night.
* * *
The car ride home was relatively quiet. They had been through this two times before. Each time, another piece of Allie died, but it was a temporary state that always diminished as soon as her children came home for the first time.
“Well…Dana’s gone,” Frank commented, as he pulled the house key from his back pocket.
Allie looked at him, with a sudden expression of panic filling her face. The color from her face drained immediately.
“What?” she said, almost inaudibly.
“She’s gone.”
“No…no…not gone. Away, not gone. She’s not gone!” Allie replied angrily. “Never say that!”
“Whoa, honey! Are you okay? I know we have an empty nest now..”
“Yeah…yeah…” Allie responded, heading straight for the bedroom. She crumbled into her comforter, this time tears forming and flowing. She had never felt so out of control, nor so free.
“Allie! Honey!” Frank came in suddenly, shocked by his wife’s tears, with a bottle of wine and two glasses. “Let’s have a glass of wine, baby. It will be okay..”
“No…no wine,” Allie whispered in the midst of her sobs as she fell into her husband’s arms. “No,” she repeated. “Not tonight.”