By Your Side

Ring...

The body groaned and turned around again.

Ring...

The phone rang again, this time sounding much clearer to the man in the bed. A hand sneaked out from under the covers, reaching out for the mobile on the nightstand. Somehow he managed to find the answering button and pulled the phone to his ear, a mumbled “Yes?” somehow managing to find its way past his lips.

“Sirius, are you still in bed?” the voice asked, and a small disgruntled noise passed Sirius’s lips. Kicking the blanket off his body, he climbed out of bed and walked into the small kitchen in his apartment.

“Not anymore… what do you want?” Sirius asked, holding the phone between his ear and shoulder while starting to prepare himself some coffee. He might have been born English, but there was nothing better than a coffee to start the morning. He looked up at the clock over the door. Damn. Correction. Afternoon.

“I have a new patient for you, so get yourself dressed and come over here so I can give you all the details,” the voice continued, which was followed by the all too well-known peeping noise of the call having been hung up. Grumbling something under his breath, Sirius put the phone on the counter and headed for the bathroom in order to take a quick shower, hoping that his coffee would be done by the time he was showered and dressed.

It took Sirius exactly 1 hour and 10 minutes to get dressed, and head to the office his boss was located at. After the quick shower and pulling on the first clothes that his hands had managed to grab, which had been a shirt from the day before, his jeans and leather jacket, Sirius had grabbed his helmet and the keys for his bike and had hurried over to the office. He knew his boss wouldn’t be angry if he arrived a little late, but getting a new patient meant having something to do again, even if he would curse about it later.

Parking his bike right in front of the house, a black Kawasaki Vulcan that he had spend years saving for, he pulled off his helmet, shook his hair straight again and then headed inside the care centre. After finishing school, Sirius hadn’t really known what to do with himself, so he had started to study medicine along with psychology, but money was tight so he worked during the summer in the local patient care centre. Usually it wasn’t a lot of work, he would share the shifts with some other people, just helping the patients at home with normal tasks or going shopping for them.

Sirius greeted everyone kindly as he went inside the building, heading straight for his boss’s office. He was curious about the person he was supposed to keep an eye on this time. His last case had been a woman in her late 80’s who hadn’t been able to leave her bed anymore. Sirius had only been there for a while to substitute one of his colleagues, and that had only been because he never allowed a case to get close to him. He was always as efficient and friendly as possible in his work. He had quickly learned that if he wanted this job, this was the only way to avoid breaking down with every case he was faced with. Shaking his head, he looked himself over and then knocked at the door.

“Come in, Sirius,” the woman’s voice called through the door. Chuckling softly to himself, Sirius opened the door and stepped into the brightly lit office. It was the most comfortable one in the whole building, sunshine poured into it the entire day, and one would feel immediately welcome when passing through the door. He smiled as he looked at the elderly woman sitting behind the desk. He had known Minerva since he had finished school and she had been the reason why he had started to become interested in the career as a doctor. For some kind of reason she had always been there to support him, help him with his studies when needed and keep him in line when he went out on one of his crazy adventures again. Which, to his disgust, didn’t happen often enough lately, not since James had started to settle down with that Evans girl. He quickly pushed the thought away again and looked back at his mentor.

“Good morning, Minnie, what can I do for you on this bright and shiny day?” Sirius greeted her with a broad smile, which instantly earned him a glare. Grinning, he closed the door behind himself and walked over to the desk. He sat down on one of the chairs opposite Minerva, and leaned back into it comfortably. While the Potters had always been there for him, Minerva had also been a good guide in his life and he wouldn’t know where he would be without her.

“How many times have I told you not to call me that?” Minerva asked with a raised eyebrow, making Sirius feel like a small chastised puppy for a moment.

“Too many,” he finally replied, risking another grin, relaxing as he was instantly rewarded with a warm smile. “So what is it this time?” he asked curiously. Instantly a folder on the table was pushed towards him, and Sirius leaned forward to open it and have a closer look at it.

Remus Lupin. 24 years old. English. Brainstem glioma.

Sirius frowned, this didn’t sound like one of his usual cases and he had to look back up at Minerva. “What does this have to do with us?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, “Isn’t this something for the hospice?”

“Usually, yes,” Minerva replied with a heavy sigh and leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes for a moment. She suddenly looked rather old and Sirius was abruptly confronted with the gravity of the situation. His own expression grew serious, and he settled a little back in his chair, crossing his arms.

“Remus’s father has been taking care of him, however, due to an accident he passed away only a few days ago. The family has never had a lot of money, and we’re still looking for a hospice that can take him pro bono. The problem… all the patient supervisors that have been there so far haven’t had much luck…” she stopped for a moment, opening her eyes again to look at Sirius with a serious expression, one she usually only used when he was in trouble. “John was an old friend of mine, and his son has been suffering from this tumor ever since he was a little boy and has just recently lost his vision because of it. I need someone I can trust to take care of him for a while, until I can find a suitable place for him. Do you think you can do that for me?”

Sirius didn’t answer at first. He knew what this meant, this was a full time job, unlike his usual part time responsibility. For some reason, Minerva seemed certain he was able to do this, apparently he really was capable of doing this. Taking in a deep breath, he looked back up at her and gave a small affirmative nod.

“Alright, I’ll do it.”

Sirius had only had the afternoon to prepare before he was on the way to the house where Remus lived. While Minerva had driven by car, Sirius had followed her on his motorbike. He had told her that he wanted to be able to be flexible, especially if he was going to be in a small town where public transport was anything but perfect. They had driven for a good three hours before they reached a rather small town called Branscombe, their destination a secluded cottage outside of town.
Already waiting outside, was the current carer, her bags standing next to her. She seemed to have been waiting for a while and Sirius wondered for a moment what could be so horrible that no one had been able to stay here for a longer period of time. He parked his bike next to Minerva’s car, got his bags out of her trunk and then headed to where Minerva was already speaking with the younger woman. She was beautiful. Too beautiful for this job, Sirius thought to himself. If Sirius had been looking for someone to shag right now he would definitely have asked for her number, but he had a job to do, and love life should never get involved with that.

“Ahh, Sirius… I see you’ve already gotten your bags, I’ll introduce you to Remus and show you around and then I’ll be heading back to London with Lucille,” Minerva said as she saw Sirius approaching them. Sirius gave Lucille a small nod and then followed Minerva into the house. It was quiet, too quiet for Sirius’s liking, like a depressive mood had settled over the house and it was hard to shake off. He wondered if that was why people couldn’t stay, because they pitied the person they had to take care of, letting it come too close. You couldn’t do that with a person who didn’t know how much time they had left, Sirius had learned that the hard way.

“Remus?” Minerva called out once, standing in front of the staircase seemingly trying to listen for any kind of sound. Sirius put his bags down on the floor, letting his eyes scan the hallway, then looked through the open door right into the living room. It was a comfortable looking room, except the curtains were all drawn, making it look eerie and out of place. He was about to step inside and have a closer look when he caught a glimpse of Minerva going up the stairs. Knowing that it would be best to follow her, he turned around and walked up the stairs close behind her.

Even the first floor seemed quiet, and Sirius was sure he would have been able to hear a pin fall at the end of the hallway. There were three bedrooms, Minerva immediately showed him the one in which he was going to sleep. It was simply furnished, with a wardrobe, single bed, desk and a window that opened up to a view of the country side. Then there was the bathroom with everything important, bath with a shower installed, toilet, sink, nothing out of the ordinary. Then they went to inspect the next two rooms in search of the man himself.

When they found Remus he was sitting on the bed of the master bedroom. At first glance, there didn’t seem to be much wrong with him. Brown hair, brown eyes that were red-rimmed and swollen from crying for hours on end, pale skin, skinny body and pale long fingers that were trembling every few seconds. When Sirius dared to take a few steps towards the bed to have a closer look, Remus’s head instantly whirled around to look at him. Well, not look exactly, the eyes were staring ahead unseeingly, making Sirius remember what Minerva had said about Remus just recently having lost his vision. When the man seemed to remember that he couldn’t see, he let his head hang again, once more staring ahead of himself.

“Remus, I have brought you a friend of mine, Sirius. He’s going to stay with you for a while,” Minerva said softly, now also stepping into the room. Sirius had hoped for a reaction, but the man didn’t seem to have heard her or had simply ignored her. Sirius looked back at Minerva for a moment and then moved to sit down on the bed in front of Remus’s legs. He reached out to put his hand gently on top of Remus’s, giving it a small squeeze. Sirius had somehow felt the need to tell Remus where he was, and to show him immediately that he didn’t mean any harm.

“Hello Remus, nice to meet you,” Sirius said softly, never pulling his hand away. At first, nothing happened but then he was rewarded with a weak smile that seemed to instantly brighten up the man’s face. Sirius felt like his heart had momentarily stopped, feeling his breath catch in his throat. It made Sirius promise himself that he would make sure to always bring that smile on the man’s face.

Sirius spent the next hour repeatedly affirming Minerva that it was alright for her to drive off, that he was going to be alright with Remus, and that he doubted that anything could possibly happen that he wouldn’t be able to deal with. He had of course noticed the fragile state Remus seemed to be in, and that everything might not be as easy as he had presented it to Minerva. However, he knew that it would never work out if Minerva was hovering over them the whole time, so at the end Sirius had practically pushed Minerva back out of the house, and watched with a satisfied smile as she drove off with the woman he was replacing.

When he entered the house again, it was still filled with the same silence as earlier on, and he doubted that Remus had moved from the spot on the bed where he had left him a few minutes ago. Opening the cuffs of his shirt, and rolling up his sleeves to his elbows, Sirius set to work.

The first task that he set himself was to step into the living room and open all the curtains. He winced slightly as sunshine suddenly poured into the dark room, and he wondered for a moment if anyone had even been in here the last few days. There was a large bookshelf along one of the walls, a fireplace with some pictures along the mantelpiece, and an old piano standing against another wall, looking like it hadn’t been used in years. Then there was a large worn-looking couch, turned towards an older looking tv-set with a video machine, and some videos stacked next to it.

After opening the windows to let some air inside, Sirius went into the kitchen to open the windows there, ending up with opening the door that lead out into the back garden as well. There was a large tree not too far away, offering enough shade that it would be comfortable sitting under it on a hot summer’s day, and he hoped that he would be able to get Remus out there.

Once he had made sure that the main floor was being aired out, he walked back up to the bedroom where Remus had been earlier. He felt bad for leaving Remus alone for such a long time, and he wanted to make sure that Remus knew that Sirius hadn’t suddenly just left him. When he had left the bedroom earlier, he had deliberately left the door open in order for Remus to hear everything that was going on, hoping that it would coax some kind of reaction out of the quiet man. However, when Sirius reached the bedroom again, he was worried for a moment as he saw the man still sitting in the same position he had been in before.

“Remus?” Sirius asked softly, slowly walking up to the bed, not making any quick or loud movements to scare the other man. Remus had his head resting on his knees, his arms still wrapped around them. And as Sirius came closer he noticed that the eyes were closed, the tremors seemed to have stopped for now, and an almost peaceful expression had come over the man’s face. He was glad that at least when asleep Remus seemed to be getting some rest, and as quietly as possible he stepped back out of the room and closed the door behind himself. He knew that he should have helped Remus lie down, but he also knew that it was scary to be touched by someone you didn’t know, especially if you had been asleep. Remus would probably move into a more comfortable position by himself soon enough, he didn’t need Sirius’s help for that. So instead, Sirius took the time to unpack and clean the house a little, already trying to come up with plans for what he could do to cheer up the other man.

Sirius had spent the rest of the evening airing the house out, and had then retreated to his bedroom, falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. A crashing noise woke Sirius up the next morning, it sounded as if it had come from one of the rooms next to his. Not wearing more than his boxers and shirt, he tried to get his still sleeping body to move as quickly as possible and stepped out of the bedroom. He looked along the hallway, trying to pinpoint where the noise could have come from and then walked over to the bedroom where Remus was sleeping.

“Remus… is everything alright?” Sirius called through the door, hoping that everything was alright. When there was no reply he slowly opened the door, now worried something was wrong. His eyes widened in shock as he didn’t see the other man on the bed, instead he was kneeling on the floor, apparently trying to pick up the shards of a lamp. Remus’s head had immediately snapped up in shock as he heard the door open, his whole body tensing and Sirius could clearly see the trembling in those nimble fingers.

“It’s ok… just me, Sirius,” Sirius said softly. He slowly walked over to Remus’s side and moved to crouch down next to him. “Did you get hurt?” he asked. Carefully he reached out to put his hand on Remus’s head, stroking gently through his hair while looking over his body to make sure he was alright.

“No… no… I don’t think so,” Remus replied, and Sirius noticed with shock that this was the first time he had heard the other man speak. The voice was hoarse, but still it held a certain kind of softness to it, as if he wasn’t in any distress in spite of the horrible situation.

“I’ll clean that up for you later, let me help you up,” Sirius said. Putting his arm gently under Remus’s shoulders he guided the man on to his feet and to sit on the bed. Remus had felt light in his arms, and Sirius could only imagine too well that the other man hadn’t eaten much the last few days. He walked over to the wardrobe, picked out some fresh clothes for Remus and then placed them on the bed next to him.

“I’ve found you some clothes. I’ll step outside so you can get dressed,” Sirius stated, waiting for a small sign that Remus had understood him and then stepped out of the room. The other man sometimes looked like he was listening but was in a completely different world at the same time. Sirius guessed it was probably the tumor that was growing steadily in the man’s brain. He had read through Remus’s file the night before, had read about everything from the day he had been diagnosed to the situation now. From what he had read he had gathered that Remus didn’t have that much time left. Apparently, the last therapy had been unsuccessful, and the report simply stated that the tumor was no longer operable nor treatable.

Shaking his head Sirius quickly pushed the dreaded thought away. He didn’t know if he could be calm and composed after he had just been told that he was about to die, but he had the distinct feeling that Remus might be none of that under that pale skin.

“I’ve got to stop thinking like this…” he muttered to himself. Quickly pulling on a fresh shirt and a pair of trousers, he tried to erase any thought from his mind that could possibly involve him picturing Remus naked and returned to Remus’s bedroom. He was going to keep this professional and not mess up like the last time.

Remus had managed to get dressed on his own, and was now sitting on the edge of the bed staring blankly ahead of himself. He looked like he had been crying again while Sirius was gone, and Sirius made a mental note to keep an eye on that.

“Shall we go downstairs and have breakfast?” Sirius asked and reached out to take Remus’s arm, only to have his hand slapped away. Looking up in shock, he rubbed his hand on his thigh wondering how Remus had noticed his hand so close.

“I might be dying, but don’t treat me like an invalid. Understood?!” Remus snarled angrily, looking right in the direction of Sirius. Sirius was immediately drawn in by the emotions visible on Remus’s face. There was a certain fierceness, his eyes not staring blankly anymore but having a certain glint that clearly showed that the man hadn’t yet stopped fighting against his fate. It took Sirius a moment to comprehend that the man who had been so passive and quiet until now, was still capable of such fierce emotions, and he guessed that there was a lot more to Remus Lupin than he had expected.

“Alright then,” Sirius replied with a short nod and stepped towards the door again, “Then I am sure you can follow me down to the kitchen by yourself.”

And that’s how their friendship started.

At first, things had been slightly rough between Sirius and Remus. Remus had complained about the sudden changes in the house, like having all the curtains open, which made Sirius presume that Remus wasn’t as blind as he made out to be. They had fought about Sirius wanting to help Remus handle the stairs, after he had heard Remus falling down them one day. Then, there had also been smaller issues, like Sirius wanting to make sure that Remus had three healthy meals every day. To begin with, the man had not been willing to comply. At the end, Sirius guessed that Remus had only agreed to get them to stop fighting, and he didn’t mind that at all.

Now that Sirius had been two weeks at the Lupin house, he was starting to grow bored. He had discovered that there was a small beach nearby, so one morning, he decided that he and Remus were going for a ride to catch some fresh air.

Once Sirius had cleared away the dishes from their breakfast, he dried his hands on the kitchen towel and stepped into the living room where Remus had gotten himself comfortable on the large couch.
“We’re going out today,” Sirius said with a broad smile, and he had to bite his lower lip as he saw Remus’s surprised expression. During the last two weeks he had slowly learned to read Remus’s expressions, knowing when he shouldn’t take the man too seriously or when it was time to take a step back. Right now, he was looking at him as confused as if Sirius had suddenly sprouted an extra head and Sirius had to remind himself that Remus couldn’t actually see him.

“No, we’re not,” Remus commented some moments later and looked back towards the terrace doors that Sirius had opened that morning. Sirius frowned and counted until ten before he walked over to the said doors, closing and locking them before walking over to Remus. He knew that Remus preferred to stay indoors, but he couldn’t just spend the rest of his life inside these quiet walls. He had to go outside and enjoy the sunshine as long as he was still able. At least that was how Sirius saw it.

“Of course, we are. I’ll make it up to you, I promise,” Sirius said, reaching out to ruffle gently through Remus’s hair. At first, the man just glared at him, and Sirius hoped that he hadn’t pushed Remus too far. However, he was soon rewarded with the faintest of smiles and he couldn’t help but let a broad grin appear on his own face.

“Great, I’ll just close up the house and then we can go,” he said and then quickly left the room so Remus wouldn’t get the chance to complain or change his decision again.

Of course the complaints still came when it was time to drive off and Sirius chose that moment to tell Remus that they were going on his motorcycle. It had taken some minutes of coaxing and convincing Remus that no, he wasn’t going to drive too fast, and yes, he promised not to do any stupid stunts while Remus was sitting behind him.

They had just strapped both of their helmets on, when Sirius noticed that absent look on Remus’s face again, a small frown over his eyebrows which Sirius had learned meant the beginning of a headache. He suddenly felt bad for wanting to drag Remus to the beach, but Sirius didn’t know how long he was still going to be here, and he wanted for Remus to enjoy the time he had left for as long as possible. So he quickly shook the worry off again and put his hand gently on Remus’s shoulder.

“I’ll get on first and then you can get on behind me, alright?” he asked softly, smiling as Remus simply nodded in reply.

Holding on to Remus’s hand now, Sirius climbed on to the bike, giving his hand a comforting squeeze as he was seated. Slowly, Remus let go of his hand, letting his own caress up along Sirius’s arm and rest upon his shoulder. Remus’s other hand settled on Sirius’s other shoulder, and eventually Sirius could feel the warmth of Remus’s body behind him. He had to smile as he instantly felt Remus’s arms move from his back to wrap tightly around his waist.

“It’s ok, I’ll make sure not to lose you on the way,” Sirius teased softly and then started the engine, driving off to the nearby beach.

Once they reached their destination, Sirius made sure that Remus had gotten safely off the bike before getting off himself. After turning the engine off and hanging their helmets on the handles of the bike, Sirius took Remus’s hand again and lead him down to the beach. The whole place was deserted, and Sirius felt relieved. He didn’t think that Remus would be comfortable around a lot of people right now, and Sirius had already gotten far by getting him to leave the house at all. Had there been people nearby the man would probably have wanted to go back home immediately.

“Can we sit down?” Remus asked after they had walked a little along the shore. “Of course,” Sirius replied instantly, leading Remus a little away from the water and then sat down with him in the warm sand. He watched with curiosity as the brown-haired man immediately reached down to take off his shoes, followed by his socks, and then let his pale feet curl into the sand. There was suddenly this blissful expression on Remus’s face, and Sirius felt like he could lose himself in it. And he couldn’t help but watch in fascination how Remus seemed to be completely relaxed right now, the man’s hands playing with the sand around them.

For a while neither said anything, something that was rather rare for Sirius. Usually he kept talking on and on, until someone would tell him to shut up. However, while he had been living with Remus, things had become a little different. He had gotten used to the fact that Remus didn’t say much, and that he didn’t appreciate if someone babbled the whole time. It had taken some getting used to for Sirius, but now he didn’t mind. He had learned to appreciate the silence, and had always taken those opportunities to just watch Remus, curious to know what could be going on in the other man’s mind.
However, today something was different, and after a while Sirius could feel Remus’s head on his shoulder. Carefully, as if not wanting to cross some invisible barrier, Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus’s shoulder, his thumb slowly caressing him as he patiently waited for Remus to start the conversation.

“I don’t want to go into a hospice,” Remus said quietly after a while, and it was the first time Sirius could hear the actual pain the other man was feeling. It was the first time Remus seemed to be completely letting himself go around Sirius, and it made him tighten his arm around Remus. Usually, the man had always been so composed, as if nothing fazed him. But now he looked broken and tired, his skin even paler than usual, and it made Sirius dread the seriousness of the situation.
“Do you want me to call Minerva, and ask her…?”

“No!” Remus interrupted in the middle of Sirius’s sentence, looking at him with a firm expression, as if he was using every ounce of the strength he had left to do this. “I don’t want anyone here… I don’t want anyone to pity me,” he said firmly. Remus then slowly moved to turn around, his hands coming to rest on Sirius’s chest, his fingers digging into the shirt, trembling. Sirius, feeling a little overwhelmed by the sudden assault of emotions, reached up with one hand to rest it upon Remus’s giving it a small squeeze.

“What do you want me to do, Remus?” Sirius asked seriously. It was at that moment Sirius realised that he had fallen for Remus, and that there was nothing he could do to change that. He was ready to do anything, anything that would make the other man happy and calm in the last weeks of his life.

“Just stay with me, please. Lie to Minerva if you have to. But I don’t want anyone here at the end,” Remus said seriously. Without saying anything else, the man rested his head against Sirius’s chest and closed his eyes.

It took Sirius a moment to realise what Remus actually meant, and he felt a shudder going through his body. Remus had asked him to stay and watch him die, had asked him to not get any help, but to let this happen as nature wanted it. Sirius knew it could be months, or even only weeks until Remus would be too weak to leave the bed. Too weak to do anything by himself. Sirius didn’t know if he could do this, could watch the man he was falling in love with decaying in front of him. However, it took only a few seconds before Sirius had made his decision.

“Alright, I’ll do it,” Sirius said quietly, knowing now that he would be able to go through with it even if it meant losing his job in the end.

They had spent some hours at the beach that day, and when they finally returned home, every thought of pain and sorrow had been washed from their minds. Once they had eaten a large dinner, to compensate for missing lunch, the two had curled up together on the couch, just talking and getting to know one another.

It slowly developed into a ritual for them. Every evening they would be curled up together on the couch talking, or sometimes not even saying anything, simply enjoying each others company. When Remus was too tired, Sirius would join him in his bedroom and watch the other man doze.

Some two weeks later, when Remus started to have trouble sleeping, Sirius moved to Remus’s bedroom. He spent every night with the other man, making sure he went back to sleep if he woke up agitated, and cleaned him in case his bladder once more gave out on him. The thing that for Sirius was the most painful to watch was when Remus started to have trouble speaking. Some times, he would walk around with his head resting against his chest, or would eat breathtakingly slow because he couldn’t swallow that well anymore. But Sirius had promised he would stay, so he did.

It had now been close to four weeks since the day on the beach, and Remus had spent that day sleeping on the couch, only waking up again in the late afternoon. Sirius had made sure that Remus was comfortable and had then turned his attention to the piano in the room. He hadn’t played for ages and he was certain that Remus would enjoy the quiet music, that is, if Sirius was still able to play.
As he settled on the piano stool, he slowly opened the lid protecting the keys, and let his fingers brush the dust away. He searched his memory for a piece he could remember and then started to play. He was amazed that he could remember exactly which key to hit when, and he felt rather proud by the time he was done.

“I didn’t know you played,” Remus’s hoarse voice came from the back of the room when Sirius was done.

“I didn’t know I still could,” Sirius replied sincerely. Closing the lid again, he got up from the stool and walked over to the couch. He smiled as he saw that Remus seemed to be more awake then earlier and had even moved to sit up. “Budge over, will you,” he said softly, moving to sit down behind the other man and wrapping his arms around Remus.

For a while neither said anything, and Sirius found himself pushing one of his hands under Remus’s shirt, his thumb slowly caressing his skin. It was something he had learned would soothe Remus’s nerves, and usually relax tense muscles. Of course, Sirius wanted so much more. He wanted to kiss the chapped lips, taste the man’s skin, and find out what noises he made when Sirius touched him. But he was fine with what they had, and he wasn’t going to push the other man any further.

“Sirius…” Remus suddenly whispered, his voice sounding clear and childlike. Sirius immediately sat up a little more, wanting to ask what was wrong as he suddenly felt a hand on his face. He didn’t move as he let Remus’s hand caress over his eyebrows, down along his cheekbones to his lips, feeling a pleasant shudder go through his body. He forced his eyes to stay open and he watched with
fascination as Remus, suddenly agile, turned around to straddle Sirius, and then leaned in to kiss him. At first, it was nothing but a gentle brush of lips, soon turning more passionate as their lips parted, tongues caressing slowly against one another as if they had been doing this their entire life.

When Remus pulled out of the kiss again, curling up once more against Sirius’s chest, he looked sleepy again, the frown that Sirius had seen so often in the last few days returning to his face.
“What time is it?” Remus asked, sounding confused.

“It’s almost dinnertime, I thought I’d make your favourite,” Sirius said softly, trying to not let it show how his heart was starting to break. He felt a small shudder going through his body and tightened his hold a little around Remus. Right now he hated that Remus seemed to be less lucid for longer periods of times, especially now when things seemed to be evolving between them.

“Yes dinner… dinner sounds…” Remus murmured and then drifted back into a doze. Only then, did Sirius dare to let his emotions overwhelm him. Biting his lower lip, he stared up at the ceiling as he felt tears fill his eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried. He had been brought up to believe that tears made you vulnerable, and it was never good to be looking vulnerable in front of people. However, now, he was no longer able to hold it back.

Pulling Remus tighter against his chest, Sirius pressed his eyes tightly closed, feeling the tears rolling down his cheeks. Everything seemed unfair now that life had shown him that there were things worth fighting for. He knew that he shouldn’t have fallen for Remus, he knew that it had been dangerous from the start. But how could he not have given in to his feelings. When there was this beautiful brown hair, the dull brown eyes that seemed to light up when hearing Sirius’s voice, and that smile that brightened the whole room. Just at the mere thought Sirius let out a small sob and pressed his face against Remus’s head.

“How am I supposed to live without you?” Sirius whispered hoarsely, his hold almost unbearably tight around Remus. The man shifted in his arms, making Sirius want to hold on even tighter.
When he had gathered himself a bit, Sirius slowly moved out from behind Remus and stood up. He wiped the tears from his eyes, then reached down to lift Remus up in his arms and carried him up to his bedroom. Making sure not to wake him, Sirius gently placed Remus on the bed, carefully undressed him and got him into a fresh shirt, before tucking him under the covers. Once he had done that, he moved to sit down on the edge of the bed and reached out to stroke some hair out of Remus’s face.

When he was sure that Remus wouldn’t wake up any time soon, Sirius left the bedroom and walked back down the stairs. He knew that Remus wouldn’t be waking anymore today, and Sirius would have to spend the rest of the evening by himself. For a while he just sat at the kitchen table, nursing a mug of tea. He tried to come up with a plan of what he would do when Remus died. He wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t forget anything on that day. One thing he knew for sure was that Minerva was going to be angry with him. However, he also knew that he wanted to finish his studies more then anything now. He wanted to find a way to cure cancer, or at least help people who suffered from it. He would become the perfect doctor.

When the day finally came to an end, Sirius allowed himself to return to Remus’s bedroom. Not bothering to change, Sirius just undressed to his boxers and moved to lie down under the covers next to Remus, immediately wrapping his arm around the man’s waist. His legs were twitching in his sleep, one of them harder than the other; while one arm lay limply next to the man’s side.

“It’s ok… I am not leaving you, I promised, and I’ll keep that promise,” Sirius whispered hoarsely. Pressing a kiss against Remus’s forehead, he waited for the man to calm down again, and only then let himself drift off as well.

The next two weeks were the hardest yet for Sirius. After that day, Remus stopped leaving the bed, losing all interest in anything that happened outside the bedroom. There were times when even Sirius couldn’t completely catch the man’s attention, and it frustrated him to no end. Every day, Remus seemed to be getting weaker, and with every day Sirius knew he was coming closer to the day where he would have to say goodbye. Until then, he made sure that Remus ate and drank enough, took his medicine even when he tried to refuse, and held him every night to make sure that the other man wasn’t suffering too much in his sleep.

When the fatal morning came, Sirius was still not prepared for it. After waking up he had gone downstairs to prepare some tea for him and Remus. It had been raining the whole morning and Sirius hoped the sun would come out again soon, knowing that it would lighten up the mood in the house. Once he had checked the post, and had made sure to close all the windows so that it wouldn’t rain inside, he went back upstairs to the bedroom, almost dropping the two mugs in shock as he saw Remus staring at him, looking more lucid than ever.

“Remus?” Sirius asked hoarsely, feeling momentarily glued to the floor. Quickly pulling himself together, he headed over to the bed. He placed the two mugs on the bedside table, then moved to sit down on the edge of the bed and reached out to touch Remus’s cheek.

“You look like I’ve always imagined you to,” Remus whispered. His voice was barely audible, a hoarse edge to it for not using it for days. His eyes seemed clearer than Sirius had ever seen them, and he felt his breath catch in his throat when he realised that Remus could actually see him.

“Remus…” Sirius simply managed to repeat, his thumb caressing slowly along the pale cheek.

“You’re so beautiful,” Remus whispered, a smile flickering on his face, as he seemed completely calm in this unreal situation. “I love you…” he continued, and Sirius wanted to reply, tell Remus that there was still so much he wanted to say to him. How much he had changed in Sirius, how much Sirius loved him as well, and that he didn’t know how he was supposed to live without him. But the moment was gone, and Sirius knew that Remus would never wake up again.
Ignoring the tea, Sirius let go of Remus’s cheek and reached out for one of Remus’s cold hands, holding it between his two warm ones and just watched him. Time seemed to move slowly, as he saw Remus drifting into a deeper sleep, his lips parting as his breathing grew heavy, rattling deep in his chest. Every now and then Sirius would reach out to stroke some hair out of Remus’s face, murmuring soothing words to him, wanting to make sure that the man knew he wasn’t alone.

As the end of the day was nearing, Sirius noticed that something seemed to be holding Remus back, as if he was waiting for something. Feeling a fresh wave of tears fill his eyes, he gave Remus’s hand a last squeeze and put it gently down on the bed.

“I love you too…” Sirius whispered hoarsely, leaning over Remus’s body so that he could press a kiss against the man’s forehead. When he pulled back he noticed that the rain had stopped, and sunshine was pouring into the room and on to Remus. Smiling weakly, Sirius let go of the last of his self control and let the tears fall, watching as Remus took his last breath. Calmly, Sirius reached out to brush his fingers along Remus’s cheek, smiling as he saw Remus’s whole body relax and a small smile appear on his lips.

“I love you too…” Sirius whispered once more hoarsely, hoping that Remus could still hear him, wherever he was.

I look back
at a wonderful time.
You were the refuge
and the centre of my being.
You have fought
and shared every moment with me.
I am proud,
to be now with you.

I catch a picture of you
and close my eyes tight.
Then the rooms are no longer empty.
Let everything else come to rest.
I catch a picture of you
and in this one moment
it remains my property.
The one that heaven will never get back.