for your health (part 1)

as i sat at the kitchen table this morning, trying to find the meaning of life in the bowl of “Fruity Sparkles” (off-brand fruity pebbles to those whose mom’s still have dignity), i couldn’t help but let my mind drift off to thinking about my personal health. for anyone who is not of driving age, or otherwise is just generally a bum, let me fill you in.

i hold this truth to be self-evident: your health will go to shit as soon as the piece of plastic, also known as a license (also known as freedom) is in your possession. getting your license is “like, totally, the most exciting thing everrr!!!1!”, or so i’ve heard. when i received my license, it was only exciting the first couple of times during which i was driving on my own….and then i realized that i had signed away my soul.

to whom, you ask (probably/hopefully not aloud, if at all)?

the devil, obviously. but unlike charlie daniels in the narrative song “the devil went down to georgia”, i’ve never found the strength (or fiddle skillz) to win back my soul. once i signed the contract, i knew (not really) that i had doomed myself to a life (if you would call it that) lived paycheck to paycheck, only to find solace in the food that would eventually clog my arteries to the brim.

i realize now that i have still not told you (at least specifically) who’s tool shed in which my soul (see: dignity) is now suffering.

honestly, i don’t know the answer to this question, but if i had to guess, it’s probably somewhere around:

a) moe’s southwest grill, b) various bp gasoline locations, and/or c) every fast food chain in or around avon, ohio (didn’t see that coming, did you?).

TO BE CONTINUED…