My life

Well, you know today I had an okey day. I decided to go with the flow even sometimes i have no idea what i am doing and if its worth it. I know one thing I don't want anyone else at this point, even though I am not really happy of his actions and what he did to himself and our relationship. But he is taking classes right now to better himself and shares hie thoughts, feelings, and emotions with me which he didnt share for quiet a while. Communication and our relationship that is our goal to concentrate on to make us stronger and to become best friends again and gain that trust and loyalty and have open communication. I love that man very much, but I told him that i loved him but i want to feel loved too and I want him to listen to me when I talk or write about something.. I dont write it or talk to him just for no reason... i am writing for him to understand me and to get my point across.. as to what I say could be just as important as to what he tells me. I think finally he is understanding me.. and now tells me whatever you write in letters its your real feelings and no matter how much he might not want to hear what i have to say he knows now thats he needs to hear it and he needs to consider it as I consider his feelings and opinions.

I was writing something the other day and figured something out I think. That when a person you are in love with doesnt want help and you are still trying to help him knowing he doesnt want that help.. you are not really helping him you are enabling him. If that person truly wants to be helped and asks for it then you are a helper not an enabler. That was my problem figuring out and knowing that difference between enabling and helping, maybe not necessarily helping but more advising.

The more we been talking on the phone the less fights we been getting into because he is actually listening to me and hearing what i am saying. I started reading this book he told me to read which he is reading as well its called "Women and love" by shere hite.. really really good book about love and relationships between man and women.

At this point I told myself to accept the situation the way it is as the time can't be turned back, but all we can do is move forward. He was told he can get 2 to 5 yrs, but their is also some other options which i am not sure yet what they could be. Maybe the reality will kick in when I actually will know what will happen.. until then I am trying to stay strong and keep busy. I question myself do i really love him, or i am just their cause i am afraid to be alone.. really i am not afraid to be alone and i have few guys who like me.. but i love him and not any other guy. Don't we all question sometimes is it worth it to wait, or is easier to give up and move on? neither one of those answers seem to be quiet right to me. Is it worth the wait, it could be but if you dont wait u might regret it at the end, is it easier to give up ye sometimes, but after giving up its not that easy to move on.. I dunno if anyone else feels that way I do.. i am just thinking in psychological perspective...

I am going to say tomorrow to wake up with a smile knowing i am still alive and he is safe where he is at right now. I am gonna go with my day and try to stay positive and remember the words I wrote in this journal tonight..

I love him, and i dont care if the world knows it and if they think i am stupid let people think that.. as long as you know what you are doing and what your heart is telling you its no one elses decision but your own. its your own relationship and it should only matter to you and the person you love. Everyone has problems in life some are bigger then others, but some how we all get them its given to us to learn, experience, or move on or to take that negative experience and turn it into positive.