A Memoir of Dark Nights

A Memoir of Dark Nights



SUMMARY

A Memoir of Dark Nights is a compilation of journal entries made by Ashley Lynne during her years in college.  They often refer back to when she was younger as well as her thoughts on various subjects. The book is written in a series of chapters each with dates beneath them. The author would add to each chapter or topic on different days entering the date each time. She has a sarcastic outlook, but is an intelligent thinker who takes all aspects of situations into consideration. The book makes one think hard about their life and what they are accomplishing or not accomplishing as well as opening up her deep inner most personal thoughts she allows for her audience to relate to her stories and quirky thoughts. She often says aloud what people are thinking but won’t say. She invites readers into her life with all the twists and turns, from her romances to the late nights of partying to some trouble with the law, it is a book that anyone can relate to whether they care to admit it or not.



PREFACE

Sometimes when I read books early on I used to skip the preface entirely. Carelessly jump to the first page of the chapter, or I would tempt myself with skipping to the end of the book to the very last page. I would tell myself “stop it you are just going to ruin the entire book, senseless to have even bought it!” I then would compromise with myself and read the last few sentences. I spent the entire time reading the book trying to put the pieces together to make the last few sentences make sense, often taking the fun and suspense out of reading them all together.

It seems I am always going ahead, always rushing. I very seldom stopped to enjoy the moment. I would always look back however and think “I wish I had taken the time to really enjoy and appreciate that moment” instead of getting caught up in how fast it was going by.” I’d always think of the moment as if it already happened, thinking “I have to set times” be on a schedule, “I have to get to the next thing”, much like my reading. I always had to get to the next chapter without really always enjoying the now.

I feel it is important for everyone to enjoy the “now”, by the now I mean the present; what they are doing at this exact moment, whether it be watching television with their loved ones, going for a walk or even reading a book. I believe no moment should be taken for granted, no moment left forgotten, no moment rushed, because the moment you finally stop and realize you should have slowed down, it is too late.



Chapter one: Alcohol

November 30, 201



I wish I had kept up with my journals throughout the years. I would probably have a book that’s written itself by now. I suppose I will start typing them though since hand writing gets old kind of fast, plus I want to use my new laptop. My dad got my internet for an early Christmas present it is getting hooked up Friday thank god. I like this new computer though it’s much better than my old one, definitely going to take good care of it. I am also sick, have a cold, wish I felt better especially since I’m bored out of my mind.

So on another note that really has nothing to do with what I was talking about before, I was thinking last night about when my professor asked me if I had a drinking problem and I stated yes (we’re close) that’s one thing I like about my college it allows for an actual relationship with professors. She had asked if I black out and stuff which obviously the answer was also yes. I explained that many people hold the notion that alcoholism is an individual who drinks every night or alone. This is not true; it can also be someone like me who drinks excessively at one time. I could go months without drinking easily but if I went to the bar for a “couple” I would drink 15 beers and a half a bottle before passing out, getting arrested, fighting someone male or female, disappearing, driving home, going to the hospital or waking up somewhere unfamiliar, of course not always all in one night. I began thinking that I can’t count the number of times I have blacked out which scares me. I am not sure if it has anything to do with my anxieties I have now or depression but it does bother me. All of the times that I don’t remember; hours upon hours that I wasn’t myself, my body was there but literally my mind wasn’t. Is this why I am so paranoid? Is this why I can’t seem to have any trust in anybody? It’s hard to think of anything that may or may not have happened during those hours. I think from now on I will refer to those moments as the dark nights, which actually makes perfect sense because in my mind they are complete darkness. A lot of people say they drink and “black out” but still seem to recall bits and pieces of stories, they still know what they were doing and who they were with and even where they went. I was jealous of these people who could go out and drink as much as me (I think) and stay out just as late, but in the morning they would wake up grab a bite to eat and tell me all of the stupid things I did. Why couldn’t I ever wake up without shaking, vomiting, barely walking half of the time and not remember anything since 8 or 9pm the night before. I always found it unfair that others could somewhat have a handle on their alcohol, or at least their memories. If only I could have.



December 1, 2010

         Well I survived the temptation to go to dollar blues last night. Rachel invited me to tag along with her and our friend Miranda. Saying no was a little hard, I contemplated with myself “I’ll just go and DD”, or “I’ll just have a couple because we all know I won’t be the designated driver.” So I decided it was a bad idea all together. Dollar blues is a bad omen. For those of you who don’t know what it is, it is a night (Tuesday) that the local bar offers Labatt blue for a dollar each, every college students dream. Bars often advertise such specials drawing in the younger crowd to come in and drink. I of course was always the first one there and the last one to leave. I have come to the conclusion that dollar blues always ends in some sort of dramatic story. Off the top of my head I can think of a few that stick out in my mind such as, fighting with my boyfriend, getting arrested, disappearing, getting robbed, falling and getting a concussion, ending up in the hospital, an infamous three some with the bartender, partying until 8am, waking up in unfamiliar places. I don’t believe I’ve ever left there and had a semi-normal night, maybe a few times but not often. Maybe next time I go to alcoholics anonymous I’ll tell some stories that will make a person of any age not pick up a beer again.



Chapter 2: College Life

November 30th 2010



My mind is jumping around a lot today I can’t seem to focus on one subject because I am now thinking back to school. I think I am suffering from “senioritis” among my many other problems. I can’t seem to make up my mind about what exactly I want to do, I am having more regrets in my decision in my major the more I think about why I chose it. I love investigations and policing however I know truly I would love to write. I would also like to teach, art perhaps. It is difficult to choose just one thing I want to do in life. Why is it that people have to choose one thing to do for the rest of their life as a “career” what happened to expressing oneself? Doing something they love and being rewarded for it. If I had my way I would be an art teacher, writer, photographer, detective, social worker and psychologist, however I know this is impossible so I should probably make my choice before I turn 30! I know I am sarcastic but even with those ideas I am thinking it is possible to have some sort of a combination of them all and still be happy. For example I could be a social worker and write in my spare time. Or perhaps I could teach criminal justice at a college, which would mean I would have to get my PHD, to most people they would grunt at the sound of additional schooling, I however am ecstatic with the thought of going to school for many more years.

I’ve been thinking about grad school at Albany lately. My professor said she would write me a letter of recommendation. I am also going to ask another professor, as for the third I am unsure of whom to ask. She said I am an excellent student which is a compliment coming from her of course, I am very excited about this. I hope that I actually go through with it and move. I feel like my dad however doesn’t really want me to go there. I am not sure if it is because I would be moving away or a financial situation. I am sure it is a combination of both scenarios. I just want to move and experience something new. I feel like I did not do that here in canton, I suppose I should give myself a bit more credit than I do though because the first couple of years I did go do the typical freshmen stuff, joined a sorority, lived everywhere one possibly could during college and met a lot of new people. I just don’t feel like I’m walking away with everything that I could have. I would like to attend grad school while I am still young and have the opportunity to do so. I am scared to leave my parents as much as they are of having me go but I have to sometime. I can’t picture myself graduating in May and obtaining a job within a law enforcement agency especially due to recent embarrassing events such as getting arrested. All in good time though, not that time erases things but it will help. I feel that the more time that goes by the less people will remember the incident, that’s true in most cases.



Chapter 3: Reading

December 1, 2010



Everyone has a different type of writing they enjoy reading. I could read anything, in fact I do read everything whether it be the back of shampoo bottles, face washes, hair products, medicines, instructions, movies, and even the bible. I could also read books about murders, mysteries, love, death, and humor. My favorite kind of reading though would have to be a book of honest stories; a book that someone has written from either true events or what I believed could be true even if the author hadn’t actually experienced the stories they claimed they did. I find it rather annoying of authors who write books claiming they are fully truthful and their experiences were entirely real when it really was a bunch of shit they made up to sell books and make a profit. I suppose it is almost insulting to others who write in all honestly, and don’t fabricate their work to sell a book, either people like what you write and want to read it or they don’t. I am sure there is someone out there who would have the same outlook you do and pick up your book. Don’t get me wrong, I do also authors who write about fiction, how their mind creates worlds that a reader can fall into, a world that they wish they could be a part of, a fantasy that they would never get to be a part of in real life but every night can slip into their book and dream. I would read so much that I would refer to stories I read as if they were a television show or movie. I would get lost in the characters and their lives, I would get so excited to read the book every day that I could care less about my not having cable anymore. The best is when I read before I sleep and I notice my dreams take on a part of the story I’ve been reading. I would get to be the characters and live in the magic.



Chapter 4: My Out of the Ordinary Dreams

December 1, 2010

         People always wake up and say “oh I had the weirdest dream last night listen to this…” I listen, and laugh to myself thinking “you should get inside my head for a night.” I always try and explain my out of the ordinary dreams to my friends and family but most of the time I see the expression on their face and stop myself short of the story, add on an alternate ending because the real ones are a little too much. I often find myself waking up and thinking “if that dream were a movie, I would definitely watch it and I bet other people would too.” It sounds weird but it is like sometimes in my dreams I am watching instead of actually being a part of the dream. Just like a movie, I am the audience and these characters in my dream are strangers. Once in a while I am with them, their faces I have never seen or they are actors, friends, family, old pets, but most of the time just strangers. I visit places that I have in my past such as my old grade school, my old high school, the college, and especially the house and street I grew up in. I also would visit places I don’t even think I’ve been random scenery that I swear I drive by later on in reality recognizing the area, this I call a little de je vu. De je vu is another thing I find intriguing, if you have ever truly experienced it, it is like you have already been through a certain scenario. You feel like as it is happening it has already happened before and it is just a replay. I’ve even said aloud “wow this is like de je vu” and saw myself saying it before.

         Some people believe de je vu and dreams are meaningless but I feel like dreams at least have a meaning. I once heard that dreams are wish fulfillments. I am unsure if I agree with that because if they are wish fulfillments I don’t see how me on a ship in a stormy ocean running from sea creatures with one of my friends and suddenly be at school when I go below the boat deck any sort of wish fulfillment. Did I mention I have weird dreams? Anyways I believe that dreams are a place where the mind can slip away and enjoy all of the things one wishes they could actually do. It is a combination of the things we see in movies, the worlds in which we want to experience but never will and trying to re-create the past. It’s a place where we visit deceased people or pets. I often dream of my cat Rocket that passed a few years ago. She sometimes is there in the background, or I am always chasing her. I used to read a lot of books in high school about dreams. I used to have a lot of meanings memorized however I’ve forgotten most of them now. There were entire books written like dictionaries for everything one has probably dreamed of, such as their teeth falling out, flying, falling, and fighting. I found these fascinating as I always dream of my teeth falling out in one way or another. Sometimes it feels so real I would wake up and check to make sure my teeth are ok. I hate the dreams where I am in a physical fight and I can’t actually strike the person, or I do so and it has to effect on them at all. The flying dreams are my favorite although the most unrealistic but that’s what dreams are for right?



December 2, 2010

So I am thinking from now on I am going to write down my dreams as soon as I wake up because I remember them in detail after I wake up but now that it is 10:30pm I can’t remember a thing. All I know is that they were pretty good again. Just got back from bingo at the college, they had some good prizes like flat screen televisions, Xbox, digital cameras and gift baskets. I am a little disappointed that I didn’t win anything but that’s just my luck, which brings me to my next topic.



Chapter 4: My Shitty Luck

December 2, 2010

         Many people say they have bad luck; I however can live by it. I never win a thing and I constantly have stupid bad things happen to me. I mean I can remember an occasional pull tab I’ve won on or a scratch off but nothing major. My father wins at gambling all the time but I suppose that’s because he has the money to do so. I’m not only talking about my shitty gambling skills but also life in general. I dealt with the same boyfriend all through high school and once I got to college I took a year break from dating and ended up with a guy who is just the same as the one in high school. I think they would be great friends. They both thrive on bringing me down and are violent, what is with the crazies? I attract them like a magnet, cheaters too. I have never had a boyfriend who hasn’t cheated which is why I don’t trust a soul besides my family. It is kind of sad that, that emotional aspect of my life will never fully recover at least that is how I feel now. I believe that no matter what relationship I am in the guy could be Edward Cullen and I wouldn’t trust them not to cheat, drink, lie, and treat me like shit. For those of you who don’t know who Edward Cullen is you must be from outer space if not, Google it, you’ll see. I complain about my luck a lot of the time, my mother agrees with me but my father however said the other night “you are lucky every day you wake up.” This made me think and I realized he is right, I am lucky. I am lucky I didn’t die during my dark nights although I came close countless times, I am lucky I drive back and forth from college to home without any accidents, I am lucky I have an amazing family that I am close to, and I am lucky to have such good grades and have my own apartment. I suppose people don’t take enough time to consider the ways they are lucky instead of all the ways they aren’t. I am far more fortunate than other people, when I am feeling down about my luck or life in general I always say to myself “there is somebody out there who has it a lot worse.”