A night under nylon

My husband gave me the challenge of writing about a night in a tent from the point of view of four different people. This is the result.

12 Potato Lane,

Watchet

Somerset

24th August 2010

Dear Margery,

Thank you for your kind letter.  I’m sorry your holiday was so dull but I do think when you hear my story you will think you were lucky after all. Yesterday we went to stay in ilfracombe in the new tent that I told you about in my last letter. It is very nice after all – Henry was right – it has lots and lots of space – three compartments so we can have a bedroom, the children have a bedroom and then there is a sort of living room bit in the middle.

We put the tent up with very little difficulty and George went off for a little while to play with some of the other children. He seemed really happy when he came back. I think now he has turned 18 he has learnt how to get along with other people better.  Lauren has never had any problems like that she is always texting some friend or other on her new mobile phone.

Henry was a little quiet but he cooked a very nice dinner of spaghetti Bolognese on the little gas stove that you gave us for Christmas – it has come in ever so handy! I went to bed and George said he would wash up. He came into the tent with two mugs of ovaltine for us and a hot chocolate for Lauren – he is becoming more and more thoughtful since doing his A levels.

You know I don’t approve of eating or drinking drinks in bed but as I didn’t want to upset George’s kind action and a sleeping bag is a little different from a duvet I suppose in that it is more easily wipe clean.  So I did drink the ovaltine in bed but I shan’t make a habit of it for it disagreed with me terribly. Henry wandered off outside for some air.

What happened next I can only put down to indigestion or hormones or something. Maybe this menopause thing is catching up with me after all. 

I was just dosing off when a creature entered the tent. It was about 7ft tall walking on two legs with pale grey coloured skin. It’s eyes were enormous, black and almond shaped and they took up most of it’s face. It’s mouth was tiny and it was not smiling. I was terrified. It looked remarkably angry and I instantly knew why it was there – to harvest my eggs like on that television programme.

I looked around the tent for a weapon to defend myself for it had a horrible device in it’s hands – no doubt some sort of dissection tool.  The only thing I could find is a can of elnett hairspray (I do think it’s important to keep in control of your looks when “roughing it” in a tent).  Without hesitation I sprayed it into the enormous eyes of the hideous alien. It made a noise unlike any I have ever heard. It was a mournful and ferocious wail.

I know you must be doubting my sanity Margery, and quite frankly I don’t blame you. But I can only tell you what I saw and this IS what I saw!

As soon as I sprayed the alien in the eyes it changed dramatically. It shrunk in size and grew soft pink fur. It was an adorable pink rabbit. The rabbit gazed up at me with a woeful expression and I felt full of love for it. It looked so pitiful that I knew it must be hungry. I went into the middle compartment of the tent and found it some lettuce to eat. It had trouble eating so I had to gently feed it. I fell asleep with the rabbit in my arms and slept till morning.

The next day Henry said that I had had a terrible dream and that I had sprayed him in the eyes with the hairspray! But I know what I saw Margery – and I am beginning to think it was some sort of conspiracy! Henry took George off to a friend’s house this morning (the school holidays are a blessing for his social life) after we drove back to Somerset.  It is nice to be home – I can have a proper sit down, a cup of tea and write to you!

I hope Emily’s piano exam goes well – and we will see you at Trudies birthday party in a fortnight.

Lots of Love,

Martha  xxx

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Received from: Lauren Mobile

OMG U R not gonna believe what happened to me last nite

Recieved from: Katie Mob

What?!

Received from: Lauren Mobile

Went campin with mum n dad n G and G gave mum and dad acid or somefink and now hes in jail

Recieved from: Katie Mob

WTF?!!

Received from: Lauren Mobile

I know rite? It was fing hilarious. Dad was gonna stab mum with a spatula and mum sprayed him in the eyes with hairspray.

Recieved from: Katie Mob

OMG! That must have bin amazing

Received from: Lauren Mobile

It was. And then dad fell over and mum was stuffin a lettuce in his mouth and he was chokin and everythin.



Recieved from: Katie Mob

Is G really in jail?

Received from: Lauren Mobile

Yup dad dobbed him in. He said not to tell mum and he spun her some line about her havin a nitemare and she bought it! He took G to jail today and told them everythink.

Recieved from: Katie Mob

U R so lucky. My family is well boring.

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Two men are out running in the rain. It is 12.30 – lunchtime. Both are wearing baggy t shirts and shorts.

Francis (slightly out of breath): 

So how was the family camping trip? – as bad as you thought it would be?

Henry (panting):  Worse.



Francis:          What happened?

                                       

Henry:           My idiot son George managed to buy LSD and drug us with it.

Francis:          Fuck

Henry:          I know. He put it in ovaltine.

Francis:          Did you hallucinate?

Henry:          Shit yeah. I thought Martha was a walrus and I tried to stab her with a harpoon

Francis:          Harpoon?

Henry:          It was really a spatula.

Francis:          But you thought it was a harpoon?

Henry:          Yup.

Francis:          So did you stab her?

Henry:          Huh?

Francis:          Martha? Did you stab her?

Henry:          No. She sprayed hairspray in my eyes.

Francis (laughing):          Shit. I wouldn’t have wanted to be your boy this morning.

Henry:          Nope – As soon as we got home I drove him to the police station.

Francis:          And told them he had drugs?

Henry:          Told them everything. But I won’t press charges.

Francis:          won’t he get done for possession?

Henry:          don’t care – he’s got to learn a lesson

Francis:          So what happened next?

Henry:          Hm?

Francis:          After the walrus sprayed hairspray in your eyes?

Henry:          Oh. She tried to suffocate me with a lettuce.

Francis:          so what did you do?

Henry:          Passed out I think.

Francis:          Boy oh Boy! That is some family holiday.

Henry:          Yup.

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Somerset Constabulary Official Recording

Constable Pocket:  Date is  24th August 2010 time is 11.17. In the room is myself Constable Pocket

and George Buchan. George, you understand that you have rejected the right to attorney but that if

you change your mind you may do so at any time?

George (sulkily): This is so lame. Grunts. Yes I understand

PC Pocket: So George, why don’t you tell me about last night?

George :  It was just a joke. I can’t believe that my own dad ratted on me.

PC Pocket: Your dad didn’t seem to find it a very funny joke. Your dad seems to be worried about you

George :  He doesn’t worry about no one. He just reads his paper and tries to pretend we aren’t there. I just wanted to liven things up a bit.

PC Pocket: So how did you do that exactly

George:  (sighs) I told you already. I put the tabs in their ovaltine and gave it to them. Then they drank it and all shit broke loose.

PC Pocket: where did you get the “tabs” from

George: Some kid on the campsite – he was wearing a hoody – I didn’t see his face.

PC Pocket: As you had no drugs on your person I can only hold you if your dad presses charges. So you better hope he doesn’t – this is serious trouble you’ve got yourself into.

George: It was bloody worth it to see mum spray hairspray in his eyes.

PC Pocket: I wouldn’t tell him that if I were you.  Interview end at 11.28

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