Life Next Door to the Kooklin's

Peaches, cream and cheese

“Peaches, cream and cheese!” Zachary exclaimed out of shear shock, today was a day in which there would be a lot of that.

Zachary or Zach is your typical 9 year old boy, loves sport, getting dirty, making a mess, annoying his older sister and spying on the neighbours. There is nothing unusual about Zach at all, he lives in a beautiful house on a large but peaceful street with his parents and 3 years older sister Mary. Sadly the same could not be said about Zach’s new neighbours.

The day began like any other, Zach woke early to play a routine practical joke, and the victim for today’s endeavour was of course to be Mary. Many a time had Zach ventured into the garden as the sun rose from its sleep, running from tree to tree, jumping from step to step, digging hole after hole often in search of a handful of bugs.
But there was something very different about today, something strange, something Zach noticed immediately.
Apart from it being way too cold for boxer shorts, there was a strange beeping noise and an unfamiliar man’s voice yelling directions. Zach turned excitedly toward the side gate presuming the commotion was coming from the front yard.

“That must be the new neighbours!”

Zachary ran through his extremely large yard around his tree house, straight through his Mother’s vegetable patch, jumping over the fishpond and running along the side fence.
Eager to examine the exciting new event, Zach swiftly and with the ease of an experienced climber jumped on top of the bins to get a better look.

As it turns out Zach was right to be curious… For they were, by far, the most curious family to have ever set foot in this town and they were to be his new neighbours. Right there on his front lawn was a family of 8, a large family in anyone’s books.
The man yelling directions was a man Zach presumed to be quite a lot older than his Father, he was of average height but very large in the middle… The worst case of beer gut Zach had ever seen. His hair was long, dark and matted, much like his beard. The man wore a black shirt that barely covered his bulging belly and tight black jeans.
Zach was taken back to a time he and his family came across a man of similar stature… It was his Uncle Joe’s thirtieth, and the family was all invited to his favourite pub as a young man. Needless to say Mum soon forbade his Dad from ever mounting a Harley again, and neither his Dad nor Uncle Joe had ever been back to the pub since.
Though on a second take this man didn’t look even close to as aggressive as the men from the bar, and on further inspection Zach noticed this man could never fit in with the crowd from the pub as he did not own a Harley but an old motor scooter. Zach had a quiet giggle to himself, thinking his new neighbour rather queer.
Now looking with more interest he examined the rest of this quickly becoming strange new family.
Standing quietly behind the beer-gutted man was a tall thin man of probably his late thirties, Zach assumed this as he looked of similar age to his Father. He stood with his arms folded leaning against an old van parked on the verge next to his driveway. Zach thought it strange that the man seemed so distant, staring up at the sky, as if he weren’t on the same planet or even wished he wasn’t. He had longer than average light brown hair and wore tight blue flared jeans, which Zach thought odd, as he had only ever seen girls wear them before and to accompany his strange selection in jeans the man wore a frilly white long sleeve shirt and a brown waistcoat. The family was indeed of very peculiar type, but it didn’t end there…

A quick sweep of the yard acquired some new subjects of interest. The first being a lady standing on the edge of her driveway, she seemed to be admiring her new home. Once again Zach wondered where they all got their strange fashion sense from. She was wearing a green head band, a pink tie-died blouse with bell shaped sleeves, a blue skirt with Mercedes Benz symbols which she had on over the top of a purple pair of jeans covered in sequins and an orange pair of flip flops. In Zach’s personal opinion she looked some-what like a circus clown, if only her hair wasn’t long, dark brown and straight but instead crazy coloured and curly.

A misty sprinkle of rain accompanied a cold breeze which blew right up Zach’s boxers.

“Brrrrr! It’s chilly on my... Aaaaagh! SHRINKAGE!”

Zach began to scale the fence if he got on top and close enough to his garage he would be sheltered at least from the rain whilst he continued his investigation. He turned back to find the look-a-like clown but she had just entered the house as a boy older than his sister walked out. Zach was shocked, the boy actually looked reasonably normal. He wore a black hooded jumper with the hood up, baggy blue jeans, a white pair of skate shoes and he seemed to be listening to music.
The boy was taking box after box from the van into the house stepping over a girl reading a very thick book. The girl looked to be about Zach’s age she wore a pair of blue jeans a white shirt and a pink hooded jacket also seemingly normal looking even with her hair in pigtails.

“Boring!” thought Zach aloud. “Why bother being out in the cold for this?”
As Zach began to get down he noticed something very unusual on his front lawn, there in his mothers garden bed eating his Mums favourite plant was a goat. But not just any old goat this goat was domestic with a collar and a home-made unicorn horn (made from what looked to be old toilet paper rolls) attached with an elastic tie around its head.

“Now that’s something!” Zach got comfortable again a new found interest in this peculiar family. How many people do you know that have a pet goat?

He scoped the neighbour’s yard again. Zach started to believe he was still dreaming a biker dude with a motor scooter, a skinny man that came from a different planet, a clown, a goat and now he was seeing double two boys that looked exactly the same were fighting with light sabres and making star wars-like sound effects. Zach watched in amazement, the boys were pretty good they even incorporated jumping, spins and flipping.

“Amazing!” Zach exclaimed

“Roar!”

Zach fell from the fence startled by a child in a fairy costume that was roaring loudly and chasing the goat.

“Hey!” Zach yelled “You in the fairy costume!”

The young child lost interest in the goat and crawled imitating a large cat over to where Zach had fallen off of the fence.

“Roar!” The child growled as he approached Zach.

“You’re a boy?” Zach said surprised, “I thought you were a girl, you know in the fairy costume and all!”

“Tiger!” the skinny man called as he came around Zach’s fence to find the boy.

“Ah there you are! C’mon now your Mother’s been calling you for the last five minutes, she’s in the house!”

“Roar!” the boy yelled as he quickly left the corner he had managed to back Zach into.

“Oh hi I didn’t see you there, Tiger must have cornered you for his breakfast” he laughed to himself

“His name is Tiger?”

“Sure! Hey how old are you?” before Zach could answer he was talking again, “Why don’t you come with me and I’ll introduce you to the others, my little girl’s about your age? My name’s Roger,” with that he gestured for Zach to follow and walked back to his yard.

“Ok” Zach trailed after him, as he followed the strange man seemed to be very careful to keep at least a two metre distance between them the whole time. Zach thought that was very odd and sped up and slowed down to put him off. Just as he sped up for the second time the man stopped and Zach slammed right into the back off him.

“That boy there” He said as if he hadn’t noticed Zach forcefully removing himself from his bottom. “Just there” he pointed to the older boy carrying the boxes, “That’s my eldest son Cliff, after the singer Cliff Richard.” A smile formed on his lips, he seemed to get a kick out of the name he had given his son. “Cliff is fifteen.”

Roger began walking again, this time he was headed toward the van. Zach decided this time to keep his distance as he had already greeted Roger in the way a dog would and didn’t fancy doing it again.

“Hey!” said the fat biker, “What you got there?”

“Ronny, this is our new neighbour... I’m sorry I don’t think I got your name?”

“I’m Zach!”

“After?” Replied Roger hastily, there wasn’t much time to breathe when you’re having a conversation with him.

“After what?” Zach replied confused by Roger’s question.

“You know, like who were you named after?”

“Umm no one! I think my middle name... Graham is after my great grandpa!”

“Ow...” Roger exclaimed giving Ronny an all knowing look.

“So Zach!” Barked Ronny, Zach wondered if the he knew how to whisper. “Do you got a bike?”

Zach screwed up his face beginning to think the loud man also to be dumb. “Yeah?”

“Have you seen mine..? She’s a beaut!”

“Zach!”

Zach jumped, “That’s my Dad”.

“Zach, there you are. Your Mum’s been looking for you...” He trailed noticing the new neighbours.

“Hi I’m Tom Gibson, you must be our new neighbours?” He greeted extending his hand to Roger.

“Howdy! I’m Roger” he chimed ignoring my Dad’s hand to continue with the introductions. Dad withdrew his hand seeming rejected.

“Tom, this is my Brother Ronny.” Dad again extended his arm intending to shake hands with Ronny. “Ronny, Tom Gibson from next door.”
Ronny looked Dad up and down before taking his hand from down the back off his pants where he was trying to scratch himself inconspicuously. He grabbed Dads hand and shook abruptly. Dad smiled a giant bogus smile then wiped his hand on his pants.

“So how many kids do you have Roger?” Dad asked turning all of his attention to Roger in what looked like an attempt to forget what had just happened.

“A basketball team... You?” exclaimed Roger excited by the possibility of having someone to talk too that’s male, around his age with an IQ larger than his Brother’s.

Dad looking confused replied “Umm... Two.”

Roger didn’t seem to be listening to Dad anymore but he instead looked up at the sky just staring at it with such intensity I half expected aliens to drop down to earth at our feet.

“You might want to join me?” Roger insisted as he opened the back of his van and jumped in.

Dad looked at me puzzled, I just shrugged and followed Roger into the van. Just after Roger, Dad, Ronny, the twins and I had all managed to squish into the back, it started pouring with rain. Dads face was distorted from shock then it went white as he began sniffing like a dog. Dad’s expression confused me, he seemed embarrassed though I had no idea why. I began to sniff to find that horrible smell that was often left in the shed when Dad has a card night. I once asked him what it was and he told me that sometimes men like to have a cigar whilst they gamble, he then made me promise not to tell Mum (Men’s secret). I can’t say I ever believed him as when I asked him what the smell was he went red and it took him a long time to answer, plus I remember the time Uncle Joe had a cigar in front of Mum, she didn’t seem to care, he wasn’t gambling and it smelt different.

“Michael, Jordan this is Tom Gibson from next door and his son Zach”

“How’s it hanging?” “Honour, it is to meet you” chimed the twins in unison in a way that made me wonder whether they rehearsed their greeting previously. Dad still behaving as an invalid just mumbled something.

“Hey!” Zach replied gleefully, he’d never had kids living this close before and the possibility excited him greatly.