Fears

If you asked me a year ago, I would tell you that I had no fears. I would describe myself as an emotionless, fearless alcoholic. However, this past year has come with many realizations, one of them being that there is no such thing as having no fears. You always have fears, but the alcohol I consumed daily eventually distorted my thoughts and perception of reality. Now, I would never consider myself fearless. In fact, today I had a realization of something that could easily be my biggest fear. It might be silly to consider that I say I think I have discovered my biggest fear, but I care not. I realize I have many fears, and the fact that I do realize that, I feel, makes me more enlightened.

Fears:

Getting into fights with those close to me. - This fear actually arose before I fell into my deep depression that last my senior year and before I turned to alcohol for help. The spring of my Junior year, I got into a fight with my closest friend. I never got the chance to apologize to him because he committed suicide the next day. I know it's not my fault that he committed suicide, but everybody blamed me for it. Since then, I have always feared getting into fights with my friends, because I never know if I will have a chance to apologize to them. William... I'm sorry. I know it's too late to take back what I said, but I didn't mean any of it.

Not being able to give my family the life I didn't have. - This is a silly fear for me to have, considering the fact I'm not even sure if I want to have a family. I just came to the realization of this fear today, so yes, this is what I consider to be my biggest fear. Even as silly as it sounds, it is something that should be easy to attain. Hell, all I'd have to do is show my family that I do love them. However, with my past of depression and alcoholism, it makes it very difficult. What makes it even more difficult is the fact that I can't show my love. Emotions are not easy for me to show, never have been.

Falling back into my dependency of alcohol. - This one is probably the one that impacts my life the most; yet, even if I do fall into the dependency of alcohol again this fear would be voided. I was really bad, I drank nearly every waking hour. Which, at that time was almost 24/7, insomnia was running rampant with my depression and alcoholism. When I was drinking, I felt nothing, I feared nothing, I was nothing. It turned me into a void of everything, and a beacon of nothingness. It was easily the worst time of my life, that also led to the greatest realization of my life to date.