Bah Humbuggery

I'll admit, I'm a Bah Humbug Baby when it comes to the Holidays. I know, it's the "most wonderful time of the year". But I'm not buying that crap. I just don't like it. Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy Christmas Day. I just don't care for the season as a whole.

First of all, it's in the winter. And I think winter sucks. I don't like the cold. I don't like snow. I don't like the dreary days. And I don't like the constant chill that creeps into my bones no matter how warm the house is. And I live in The South! Just think, if I hate winter here so much where they are actually incredibly mild, imagine how miserable I'd be somewhere up north. Ugh. It's why I live in The South. I know, I sound like a scrooge but if a person doesn't like something, they just don't like it. And I don't like winter. Period. So that's the first strike I have against Christmas. If it would just change to be in the spring or summer it would make me much happier. Wasn't Jesus really born in like March or something? Why can't we just celebrate his birthday then? Let the Pagans have their winter celebration back and Christians can just celebrate Christmas and Easter all at the same time. Two birds. One stone. Or maybe I should just move to the southern hemisphere.

Secondly, I cannot stand inflatables. Yup, I have a beef with all those freaking tacky blow up figures. And did you know that they have the ability to multiply? I'm serious. It starts off with there being one in somebodys yard. Then there are two. Then there are six. And by the end of the season there are 10 or 20 all in one yard and they've spread to the neighbors yards! It's scary and they must be stopped! These things are bigger than the average person and if they ever decided to take over they could. The only way to remedy this pestilence is to arm each and every one of us with a b.b. gun and go on a extermination campaign. And it's not just Christmas inflatables. I don't like them in any form. The one that really creeps me out the most is the guy that flops up and down, waving his arms frantically in the air trying to gain attention. He's usually at grand openings jof stores or big sales at car dealerships. This guy is out all year round! I think he's their leader. Maybe inflatables are like vampires. If we kill their leader it'll also kill all the other inflatables. Maybe that kid from A Christmas Story was on to something by asking for that Red Ryder b.b. gun. He knew the deal. Dear Santa, please bring me an automatic rapid fire Red Ryder b.b. gun. I'm on a mission and need the best weapons available.

Third, I loathe the majority of Christmas songs. Now, for me there's a perfectly valid reason for this. Since I work in retail this music is pumped into my head for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. By the end of the season I'm truly wishing that somebody would just shoot Rudolph and make a good batch of jerky out of him. And Frosty, just let him melt a bit, add some chocolate syrup and milk, place in a blender, and voila! Milkshakes for everyone! And then there's the date rape song: Baby it's Cold Outside. Have you ever listened to the lyrics? I mean at one point the girl is actually asking "Hey, what's in this drink?". GHB baby. Just rest your little head and don't worry if you're sore tomorrow. Santa's going to take real good care of you.

So there you have it. My three biggest beefs with the season: weather, inflatables, and the crappy music. To be honest though, once Christmas Day arrives, the families are together, and the childrens eyes are all big and lit up with excitement over the exchange of gifts, all the crapiness just melts away. Happy Holidays everyone! And if you don't like the fact that I've said Happy Holidays, then you're an ingrate for not accepting well wishes and I hope you have a horrible fucking Christmas.