Santa’s Contract Clause

1418 words

Santa’s Contract Clause

"Alright, my eight, tiny reindeer. We haven’t even left the loading shed and we’re already thirty-one minutes behind schedule. We’ve got a world of kids waiting for us so let’s get crackin’. Remember, we gotta be back here before the sun rises so I want you to all pull together.”

"Dang it Santa. Mrs. Clause told you YESTERDAY you were behind schedule so don't expect US to make up all the time you spent drinkin' that warm, sugary milk stuff that smelled like cinnamon, eggs, and something yucky.”

“That was egg nog, Dasher, but it wasn’t the reason we’re late today. I overslept and we got a late start.”

“Whatever, Santa. We're reindeer, not eight cylinders in a 400-hp car on ice skates."

“Nine cylinders, Dasher. You forgot Rudolph, that makes nine of you.”

“I haven’t forgotten the little so and so. You know we operated for years without him and did just fine -- always made the rounds without a spot of trouble. Then we hit that ONE foggy night and HE shows up with that pimply lookin’ neon light at the end of his muzzle and takes the spotlight. He wasn’t even helping to pull the sleigh.”

“He got us through that year and he’s been good luck ever since.”

“Santa, when we started we didn’t have so many kids to deliver to as now. I remember that first year, a half dozen homes in a tiny town in Germany. Then it grew to the surrounding towns, all of Germany and then all of Europe. Things were easy then, we’d start at dusk and be home in time for the 11 o’clock news – if TV had existed then, I mean.”

“Yes, Dasher, then the Germans emigrated to America and brought our service to the colonies. Soon those Americans had spread all over the world, along with the Brits of course.”

“Yeah, 11 o’clock snack and bed for us became 1 am, then 3 am. Last year I think the sun had peeked over the ice floes before we got the sleigh back into the warm barn and got us a bucket of oats to eat!”

“I know, we’re pushing the contract.”

“Santa, don’t forget that blizzard the weather team reported is roiling up about 200 miles south of us.”

“Yes, Dasher, I haven’t forgotten that. That’s why Rudolph is in harness tonight. He’ll lead us over or under the blizzard.”

“Either way, as long as he doesn’t want us to go around it -- that’d mess the sked up for sure and you do remember what happens if we don’t get back home by sunrise.”

“We lose the contract for deliveries next year.”

“On the other hand, Santa, that might not be a bad idea. I mean, we’ve had a long run – maybe it’s time we retired.”

“Retired? Not on my watch!”

“Think about this, Santa. Each year the sleigh gets heavier with more toys cuz there are more kids demanding our service, it gets harder to pull you know. And your weight doesn’t help either – all those cookies and milk you eat along the way. Maybe it is time to retire.”

“No way. There isn’t a replacement for me around!”

“Maybe no one WANTS this contract.”

“I want it! Besides do you know how many elves we employ year round, Dasher?”

“Not off hand – I DO have other matters to tend to the other 364 days the year you know.”

“I know, I know, the reindeer herds DO get larger each year.”

“Anyways, Santa Clause Inc. employs more than 1000 elves in the production department alone. We have one hundred and three loggers and ten sawyers just to harvest the trees for the old fashioned wooden toys. Then there’s the paintmakers, brushmakers, and the smiths who make the tools and keep the saws sharp. Don’t forget the clerical help that keeps the records on all those children – what they want and how good or bad they’ve been.”

“So, how many employees do we have?”

“Let me think here. One hundred and three, add ten, add fourteen, the forty-three in bookkeeping and accounting and 1,000 in production. Uh, nearly 2,000, NOT counting the kitchen and housekeeping staff. Closer to 3,000 in all. Imagine the unemployment rate for the area if we had to lay them all off the coming year!”

“What, Rudolph?”

“Dasher, tell Santa the blizzard system is much bigger than the weather elves thought. It’s right on the ground and extends up past our altitude limit. We don’t have time to go around, we’ll never make the deadline. We’re going to go through the blizzard.”

“Rudolph, we’ll get lost if we do that.”

“Nope, Dasher, I can light the way, like I did the first time.”

“But, if you lose your light, we’ll be lost and fall behind another 20 minutes. We need to go around.”

“Just tell Santa we need to go through. Let him decide.”

“Dasher, Rudolph is right. We need to make UP time, not lose it with a detour. Let’s go through.”

“Your funeral, Santa.”

* * *

“We’re lost, Santa.”

“Nonsense, Rudolph’s nose is lighting our way. We’ll make up the lost time. Speed up!”

“Santa, I can’t see a thing except blowing snow and white. Heck, I can’t even see Rudolph’s nose and he’s only twenty-eight feet in front of me.”

“Dasher, I can’t see it either, but Rudolph knows the way. He has to know! He just has to.”

“Santa!”

“Yes, Rudolph. Is your nose still glowing?”

“It’s getting really cold and that makes my nose dimmer. I’m losing my nose charge. Santa, I’m afraid I’m not sure where we are.”

“By the Angels and the three Wise Men, Rudolph. We are lost.”

“I didn’t say that, Santa. I said my nose is losing its charge. I THINK we are on course and heading due south, but I can’t really tell for sure.”

“Keep going, we’ve GOT to be moving south. How long is your nose charge going to hold?”

“Two, maybe three minutes -- then dark.”

“I told you, Santa.”

“Told me what?”

“Your funeral. I think we’re heading east.”

“We’ll make it through this, just keep your fingers’ crossed.”

“Fingers? I have hooves, Santa. Geeze!”

“That’s it. The charge is gone from Rudolph’s nose. We’re blind without it. We’ve gotta slow down or we’ll run into something like the World Trade Center.”

“Dasher, We might hit the Empire State Building, not the WTC. You’ve forgotten 9-11 again.”

“Oh, right-on as usual, Santa. I’m slowing down anyway. If we crash we’ve lost the contract. We might have time to make up the delay. Right now my watch says we are thirty-six and a half minutes behind schedule. I don’t see how we can make it.”

“Look ahead of us Dasher. I can see sky and the North Star ahead. Rudolph got us through the blizzard.”

“The North Star? Hardly through the blizzard. The little twerp got completely turned around in there. We’re headed north, not south. We’re going the wrong direction.”

“Turn the team around one-hundred and eighty degrees and this time go OVER the blizzard. At the top start a fast descent and we’ll pick up speed, maybe a thousand miles an hour – that’s better than two thousand km. We can do this, Dasher, just TRY.”

“The clock says we’ve picked up twenty minutes, Dasher. Keep the throttle to the metal and we’ll make it home on time.”

Throttle to the metal? We’ve got no throttle and the only metal on the sleigh are those runners. “You mean ‘keep up the speed', Santa?”

“That’s what I said.”

No, you said ‘keep the throttle to the...’ awww. “Right, Santa. Keep on sleighing.”

* * *

“Santa, ahead is the last stop, that tiny village of Mysti near the Hudson Strait in Canada. I think we’re going to make it after all.”

“I don’t know, Dasher. My trip watch says we made up a lot of time, but the sun is going to be up in thirty seconds and we’re still two minutes away from home. Not enough time, Dasher. We’re going to lose the contract. Might as well make this my last stop forever.”

“SANTA! It’s really you! Mom, dad, Santa is here now. Just like you said.”

“Shhh, child, don’t wake your parents. Here are your gifts, enjoy, it’s going to the last Christmas for old Santa Clause.”

“Why?”

“Because the sun will be up in twenty-nine seconds and its two minutes back to the North Pole. We need to get there before sunup or old Santa will be fired.”

“Santa, your wrist watch is wrong. Don’t you have a GPS with a clock?”

“A what?”

“GPS with a clock. Look here at mine. See sunup will be in 125 seconds. You’ve got time.”

“I’ll be a fat, lazy troll. But you are right, young man. There IS still time. I gotta run. Enjoy the presents and Merry Christmas.”

“MOVE, Dasher, my old wrist watch needs fixing. According to the little boy there, well, his GPS clock, it’s running a minute and half fast. We’ve got time!”

“Better than that, Santa. Get the GPS by all means, but use the clock to wake you up early enough so we can START on time next year.”

“Either way – just take us home in a flash.”

* * *

“There’s the home barn, boss, and the sun isn’t up yet. We’ve won!”

“Yes, we’ve done it together, you, the other reindeer, Rudolph and the little boy at Mysti, Canada, who had the correct time. We’ll keep the contract for at least another year.”

“Whatever, Santa. As long as the reindeer herd keeps increasing, I’m happy.”