Testimony

Have you ever heard the voice of the Lord? Have you ever cried out and heard a gentle reply or felt that calming warmth that brings you peace?

Well, my first true acceptance of the Lord’s voice came as a very painful but priceless gift at one of the lowest times of my life. I used the word “acceptance” because I’m certain now that I’ve heard and felt the Lord before, I just chose not to fully accept and/or appreciate his presence. By the time I accepted the Lord’s voice I had determined I was worthless; a failure; alone and broken. My marriage was falling apart and I didn’t want to be here anymore. I was somewhat upset with God for allowing me to get to that point.

I said to the Lord, almost pleadingly, “But I loved you!”

All I heard in reply was “Do you?”

Well, now, I instantly knew it wasn’t an accusation that I didn’t love the Lord, but it was almost as if he was asking me if I was sure of that. As if I had no clue what love was. I felt obligated to prove it so I “accepted the challenge.” Then the revelations began…

My first true revelation came when I realized I wasn’t alone at all. God revealed himself to me so intensely that it hurt. It hurt more than the day I held my baby girl in my arms as she took her last breath. It hurt more than the very moment I realized my baby brother, my only true friend in this world, chose to die by his own hand and my love wasn’t enough to save him. It hurt because I had to see and accept that not only had I been lying to myself and everyone around me, I had been lying to and disregarding a man who gave his life for me and would do it all over again if given the chance. A man, who no matter what I’ve done or said in my life still loves me so perfectly and has never changed his opinion of me; a man who has only wrapped me up in his arms and carried me through every storm in my life, even though I created those storms. It hurt because I’d put everything and everyone else before him in my life and had many idols before him. Running from God had also created another monster inside of me. I had walked out on my marriage, my children, and life itself and that is something that, to me, was completely unacceptable.

The shame I felt cannot be justified in words. I cannot tell you that I truly knew why I felt such shame at that moment, as I had not yet realized the extent of my waywardness, but I can tell you I was determined to find out why and make my Father proud. That started my very long look in the mirror.

This is where I thought I’d lost my mind because it became like a treasure hunt to me after the initial pain and shock wore off. Now, how can looking inside yourself for every fault you possess be fun and regarded as a treasure hunt? Because every single time I found a fault, buried beneath it was a freedom, a transformation, a love so bright and beautiful it put my idea of love to shame – a piece of truth, a piece of acceptance I’ve fought my whole life for. But, you must imagine this love… that freedom and acceptance growing bigger and stronger with every fault that I found and dug up… It was truly breathtaking. God would fill me up so much so that I would overflow in rivers of emotions I hadn’t known I could experience with the Lord. (This still happens quite often I might add).

I didn’t know it at the time, but piece by piece I was surrendering to the Lord and he was transforming me. I was giving him my will, and in return he was revealing himself to me. He IS all of the things Galatians 5:22 says are fruits of the Spirit: Love, Patience, Kindness, Joy, Peace, Goodness, Faithfulness, and Self-Control. These aren’t behaviors we learn to act out; this is actually the Lord himself living through us once we will him to do so.

Before I realized it was truly God revealing himself, and somewhere in between my tantrum and discovering buried treasure, I had decided that I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I wanted to shelter those I loved from that, so much so that I almost didn’t even talk about my experience. But, among all of the glorious revelations I’ve been given, God also helped me realize a few other things:

We fear because we’ve been taught to fear. It is a learned behavior; fearing only what is unknown or what we believe to be true. I experienced fear of rejection, fear of being abandoned and alone, fear of not healing, fear of not being worthy of love or acceptance, and fear that if I revealed my “dark side” that my husband would never forgive me or be able to love me again. I had actually tried to sabotage my relationship with God before he could abandon me or reject me.

I thank God now that he brought me to a place where none of that even mattered before him and then gave me a strength greater than my fears.

Second, I realized that all of what I had experienced and was experiencing was necessary. It was all worth it. God works all things out for good and I truly began to believe this. I decided there is no reason or need for me to “protect” the ones I love from my experiences. I also realized that I can’t, and for me to do so would mean I would have to somehow prevent their surrender to God, which I certainly do not want to do. I further realized that everyone’s experiences will not be like mine because we are all unique and we all have different filters.

Which, brings me to the biggest realization I’ve been given: The “Filter.” We all have filters. The Filter is the way you’ve been taught, either by yourself or by others, to view life, God, the world and everything in it. It is how we’ve put 2 and 2 together in a way. For example, if all you have ever experienced is heartache and pain when you get close to someone, then it is easy to assume that if you get close to people you are going to get hurt. Or, if all of your life you have been told that God will punish you for every little thing, then it is easy to learn to doubt the Lord and to feel that he is picky and judgmental. I don’t know about you but I found it difficult to get close to a God that I thought was picky and judgmental but I was viewing God through a filter.

For me, a lot of my filters that I associated with God were a result of my relationships with people, mainly the authority figures in my life and the people I allowed to get close to me. My first impression of love as a very small and vulnerable child was very corrupted. My father was very abusive and I suffered countless acts of physical, sexual, mental, and emotional abuse. My relationship with my mother was strained as a result because for a long time I somehow blamed her I think. As I grew big enough to tell on my dad, the physical abuse subsided and continued to be mental and emotional. I was sent away several times, which felt like rejection and just being “thrown away” to me. As a kid I couldn’t “see” that my behavior was the cause of many of my problems in life because I was seeing life through a filter. I felt that both of my parents were distant and I felt that I never could gain their approval in much of anything. I pushed them away. I had given up and just did things my way which resulted in further alienation. All of that created the idea that I needed to protect myself from them and the world around me. These problems with “authority” extended out to include all of my elders, grandparents, teachers, law enforcement, employers, my husband, and most importantly God. It completely eliminated my ability to submit to anything and it affected me the greatest in my adult life and relationship with God.

This itself was a filter and I was stuck in a vicious cycle and could not get out of it. I am just now coming out of that cycle and I am now 30 years old. All of this made me see God as disapproving, distant, someone I couldn’t get close to, something to be feared and avoided, and so on. I have many filters in my life and God is still slowly revealing them to me but now God is able to reveal himself through them very clearly because I’ve given him my will.

As a result of all of this I have learned how to be comfortable in my own skin. I’ve learned that God will give you the desires of your heart once they become Godly desires. I’ve learned that God’s love is truly incomprehensible, but it is the most forgiving, most accepting unconditional love we as humans can or will ever experience. It is withstanding and freely given even when we reject it. God doesn’t go away, even when we tell him to and instead he in fact carries us through.

God has given me peace. I now have a joy that is withstanding, even in the valleys of life. I never walk alone, even in my darkest moments. I am so blessed because God has given me life and helped me to understand that I’m right where he wants me to be.

Romans 8:1-2 says it best for me: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”