My shooting star

When your world spins and the one person you wish was there what do you do? Sulking never helped any one nor made any one feel better. Self pity is just a weakness everyone experiences throughout life.

         People break up every day and go on with their lives. But what about never being in a relationship with someone and “breaking up”? Then what? How is it supposed to feel? Are you supposed to have a pain in your chest that brings tears to your eyes? Are you supposed to feel horrible? I never really thought that you could experience heart break without being in a committed relationship with someone.  Maybe that’s not why it hurts. Maybe it’s the pain or not trying hard enough and wishing I had. Maybe it’s the pain of taking her for granted? Maybe it’s because I know she moved on and I can’t handle it.  Maybe it’s because I will never know what could have been. But I can’t change it now. The ring on her finger speaks of their bond and their love. Her smiles show their happiness. Maybe the pain I feel is jealousy. But that couldn’t be. I’m not jealous of them I’m not jealous of their happiness.  I’m jealous that she has what was once mine. That the love we shared is no longer ours it’s theirs. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of them. But at the same time I’m happy for her. She deserves to be happy with someone who could give her the world. But just because I’m writing all of this doesn’t make it that easy…

         I saw her today. For the first time in months. She asked me to meet up with her. I was with her for barely an hour.  The only time I touched her was a brief one arm hug that probably meant nothing to her. But it meant everything to me. I don’t know why I only hugged her with one arm. Maybe because I knew I would have fell flat on my ass because my knees would have been too weak to bare my weight. We didn’t really talk about anything, mainly in circles. But I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She said she looked like crap but to me she had that glow around her that she always had when we saw each other. But it’s wasn’t the same.  Nothing was the same. She asked about me and i answered. I knew I was babbling but didn’t want to say the wrong thing.  I couldn’t concentrate I can only imagine how retarded I looked. I was shaking like crazy in side. But I tried not to let it show. I tried not to let how hurt I was show either. I want so desperately to grab her and hug her and kiss her. But I doubt she would have let me. I doubt I would have had the courage to anyways. She always had a way to make me nervous. I tried not to look at her eyes. People say she has bedroom eyes. Which yeah I can agree I guess but it wasn’t like that. I would have melted in her car if I looked at her eyes.  I never knew how amazing she made me feel. But I guess that’s how it is with anyone you have feelings for and don’t see for a long period of time. She told me we would never work out and that’s what hurt the most. That she was so easy to give up on me. But I can’t blame her. I didn’t exactly make things easy for us. I just loved making her smile. I remember on Valentine’s Day me and a friend spent hours thinking of ways to surprise her. We ended up buying her flowers. Lily’s they are her favorite. We put them in my trunk with a car and balloons so when I opened my trunk they flew out leaving the flowers and the card. It didn’t work as well as planned but she laughed anyways. On her birthday I bought her a necklace and a bracelet from kays. It was called the open hearts collection. She loved it. I was happy she did. But I guess I thought she would always have an open spot in her heart for me. I thought wrong.  I tried doing small things for her to make her happy. I don’t know if she liked them or just smiled because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings… either way it was the thought and effort behind my actions. I didn’t want anything in return except her heart. She loves stars. So for Christmas I bought her a star. She will always be the star in my night sky. I know she loved it. We made plans to try to find it and to see it. But they fell through like a lot of our plans. I would have married her in a heartbeat if she let me. Our families would never approve but it was my life and our happiness. That should have been our choice. But things happened and we stopped talking. I hope one day she knows she meant the world to me regardless of anything that’s happened in our past. I still think of hear daily and the memories we shared. I hope she knows I will always be her romeo. Maybe one day things would change but I’ve lost hope. Maybe one day we will pass each other and actually say hi. Maybe one day things will change. But till then I’ll continue to look for her star in the night sky. I’ll continue to love her from the side lines. My feelings will never change and I hope one day she realizes how much she meant to me. But till then I’ll be waiting.