Trouble

I sat in the white office with my hands clenched into fists. Everything pissed me off: the color of the walls, the secretary yakking away on her phone, and the cheerful Christmas music playing in the back half of the room. I ground my teeth in agitation.

This was stupid and unnecessary.

Headmaster Florence appeared in the doorway. “Ms. Patterson. My office, please.” He turned back the way he came, obviously expecting me to follow. I resisted the urge to walk out of school all together.

The secretary cleared her throat. “Young lady.” She gave a disapproving look a gestured toward Florence’s office. I rolled my eyes and made a beeline for my destiny.

“Sit,” Florence barked, and I obeyed like a stupid dog. I’d never been in the Headmaster’s office before, but it was like something out of a movie. The room smelled of leather and cigars (although the Headmaster would never break school policy) and the walls were filled with large, mahogany book cases which were, in turn, filled with ridiculously old books that he probably never reads, and on his desk a single portrait of some old lady who I could only assume was his wife. It felt too small, though, like the walls were closing in. I felt my heart beat faster. I hoped this little detention meeting or whatever didn’t last long. The blood in my veins still ran hot. Headmaster Florence motioned toward one of two chairs in front of his desk. I plopped down toyed with my ring, prepared to get this lecture over with.

It was then Caleb entered. Great. Just what I needed. There was no way I’d be allowed out tonight. I grimaced. Apparently, I was alone because Florence seemed very happy to see Caleb.

“Mr. Danvers! Always a pleasure!” He smiled and shook his hand so hard I thought it might fall off. “You’ve recently graduated, yes?”

“Yes, sir,” Caleb replied politely.

“Masters degree?”

“Doctorate,” he corrected.

Florence raised an eyebrow, obviously pleased. “Twenty-six years old with a PhD in philosophy. Unbelievable.” He shook his head, still smiling. He was right. Caleb was probably one of the smartest people I knew, but of course, he’d never admit it. He deserved to be praised.

“Well, it wasn’t without effort, sir,” Caleb smiled professionally.

“Ah, well I’m sure you’re just being modest. And I trust Nathan is doing well?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good, good,” he nodded, and then his conversational tone turned serious. “I’m sorry we’ve been forced to meet under these circumstances.” The Headmaster frowned in my direction as if he suddenly realized I was in the room. “Please, sit.”

Here we go.

“What’s this about?” Caleb looked to me like I would give him the answer, but I was sure to keep my eyes on the ground. My skin felt hot again. I gripped the edge of the chair to avoid storming out of the room, although the idea was pretty tempting.

“Kara was in an altercation with another student earlier today.”

Caleb blinked as if he didn’t believe it, “You were in a fight?”

I clutched the seat harder and focused on the floor. If I spoke, I’d scream. I wanted to run out of that stupid, cramped office and slap that prissy little smirk off of Angela Kriston’s face. Why wasn’t she in this office, after all? If she wouldn’t have said what she did, I wouldn’t have tried to knock her teeth out.

The Headmaster answered when I didn’t. “I’m not sure of the circumstances surrounding the incident, but the student was sent to the hospital with minor injuries. Now, Kara has been an exceptional student over the past five months and her previous record is spotless, but, Mr. Danvers, policy is policy and if I’m going to spare Kara from expulsion I need good reason to convince the school board.”

“Expulsion?”

“Unfortunately so, Mr. Danvers.”

“There must be another punishment, Headmaster,” Caleb pleaded. “Community service or even suspension? Kara is exceptionally bright and fighting is very out of character for her. Like you said, she has had no previous behavioral problems and I’m positive this will not happen again.”

“I would not doubt it. I trust you can deal with this matter privately and efficiently, and I do intend to put up a case with the board. Kara will be put on a six day suspension and upon returning to school, she will be on social probation as well. However,” Florence folded his hands on top of the desk and leaned into Caleb speaking softly. “I am concerned that this episode came out of nowhere. It is very rare a student like Kara would exhibit this type of behavior.” He was talking about me like I wasn’t there. And he called it an ‘episode’. Schizophrenics have ‘episodes’. I simple gave Angela what she had coming to her. 

Caleb looked over to me again and then back at Florence. “It’s been rough these past couple of weeks back at home. I think the time off from school would be good for her.”

I rolled my eyes. School wasn’t the problem. People were the problem. They put me on edge. They were the reason I was in that office. I never understood how Nathan could lose his temper so easily, but now I couldn’t understand how he was able to control himself. I still felt hot, tense, and with each second I sat in that chair, I came up with one more reason why I should storm out and run away. The anger consumed my mind; a headache that wouldn’t go away.

“I think you’re right, Mr. Danvers.” Headmaster Florence nodded his head. He quickly scribbled something down on his notepad, then tore the sheet and handed it to Caleb. “This is for you. Thank you for coming in.”

Caleb put the paper in his pocket without bothering to look at it. “Thank you for being so understanding, Headmaster Florence. I assure you this won’t happen again.”

“You always were my brightest student. I trust you’ll do the right thing.” He reached over the table and shook Caleb’s hand then turned to me. “Ms. Patterson, I’ll see you next Monday.” I kept my eyes to the floor afraid if I looked up at him, I’d want to rip his head off too.

Caleb rose and adjusted his coat. “Let’s go, Kara,” he said sharply. I snapped up and left the room, not bothering with goodbyes. Caleb followed behind. We didn’t speak as we got into the car. Caleb turned off the radio forcing us to drive home in an uncomfortable silence. I stared out the window at the dirty slush covering the sidewalks and roadways. I waited to hear Caleb’s lecture. “I’m very disappointed in you” I could hear him saying, but there was only the hum of the engine. Was this my punishment, then? Silence? Caleb was making me anxious. Why wasn’t he speaking? I knew he had something to say, but instead he left me alone to think about what he would do once we got home.

We pulled into the driveway and I tugged on the door handle to let myself out, but the door had other plans. It was locked. Awesome. I tugged again, assuming Caleb would see my struggle and unlock the damn door, but he just sat still, with the engine off and his hands in his lap.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” he asked. His chocolate eyes hardened in a look that said, ‘I’m not in the mood to mess around’.

“Are you going to unlock my door?” I pulled at the handle again.

“Not until you tell me what happened today.”

I sighed and clenched my teeth. Snapping on Caleb was not part of my game plan, but if he didn’t let me out of this car, there’s no way I could control myself. “I got into a fight,” I mumbled.

Caleb pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why did you get into a fight, Kara?”

So help me, I just wanted to get out of that stupid car so I could be relieved of this awful, hot, pounding in my head. “I don’t know.”

Caleb stared at me hard. “Cut the bullshit, Kara, and tell me what the hell is going on.” His words sobered me. They cut through the tense moment and shattered the dark feelings stirring in my mind. I had never heard Caleb swear before, let alone use such a tone with me. What was going on? I actually assaulted Angela because I had wanted to. Just one tiny comment from Roxanne and just like that, my state of mind flipped upside down.

“I really don’t know,” I said again, sounding just as confused as I was.

Caleb sensed my shift and softened his tone. “What happened?”

Thinking back, everything seemed murky, like I could have been dream, although this was very, very real. I tried to recollect what had occurred. “Roxanne and I were in the commons area during study hall and Angela Kriston was sitting a few tables away gossiping in our direction. I brushed it off at first and continued talking with Roxanne, but she was the one getting upset. I asked her why and she said it was because she overheard Angela insulting my mom. That was all she said, but I don’t know, something clicked inside of me, so I went over to Angela and punched her in the face.” Although the situation was terrible, it sounded ludicrous when I said it aloud.

“I don’t like this change in you, Kara. You’re different.”

“So what if I am?” People change, right? It happens.

Caleb held my gaze. “Kara, I know all of this stuff is new to you, and it’s hard, it really is, but it’s too easy to lose yourself; to become something else. You can’t just act on it every time you feel upset.” Upset? You get upset if you land an eighty-nine percent in Calculus. This was something entirely different. The rage consumed me.

I didn’t want to explain this to Caleb, because I didn’t want to sound insane, so I just said, “You’re right.” I bowed my head, ashamed I had let my feelings get me this far. Caleb looked like he wanted to say more, but resisted. I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I heard the click of the lock. The cool wind blasted me in the face. It helped clear my mind. I slung my bag around my shoulder and made my way inside.

“What are you doing home?” Nathan asked from the couch.

I wasn’t in the mood to tell this story. “I’m going to my room.” Caleb would inform him. I headed up the stairs and into my room, thankful for the solitude. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was Nicholas.

Where Are You? Are You Okay? Tell Me What Happened.

I quickly typed my response: I’m Fine. I Got Suspended. Long Story. I’m Home Now… And Grounded. I’ll Call You Tomorrow.

The fact that Nick was curious as to where I was told me the rumors had yet to spread across campus. I didn’t want to think about what people would say once I returned to school. Ugh, this day was awful. I lay on my bed and draped an arm over my eyes. I had never been grounded before, but I could see the appeal. Throw your kids in their room so they’re forced to think about how stupid they are. Why couldn’t I do this right? They warned me; Nathan and Caleb had warned me this would happen, but it was so much more than simply ‘losing my temper’. The darkness completely consumed my mind; it was like I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t just an urge I could repress, or an intense feeling, it was a complete takeover of my conscience. There was no saying ‘no’. It was impossible, utterly impossible.

A soft knock at the door broke me from my thoughts. It was probably Nathan ready to give me lecture number two, but when I opened the door, there was no one in sight. I could faintly hear Nathan and Caleb speaking with each other in the kitchen. Weird. I must have imagined it. Before returning back to bed, I cracked my window, eager to let the cold wind fill the room. I welcomed the frosty air as it cleared my head. The feeling comforted me. It reminded me of Nicholas and how his skin would always get a few degrees cooler anytime he got excited about something. I missed him and I wondered if there was any way Caleb would let me see him tonight. It seemed Nicholas was the only person who could calm me down lately.

The draft coming in from the window raised goose bumps on my arms. I knew I had a comfortable hoodie hiding somewhere in my closet, but when I opened the doors I saw the furthest thing from what I had expected. There were no clothes hanging on their racks. I screamed aloud. Not because of what wasn’t hanging, but because of what was.

My mother.

***

I blinked rapidly to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, but she was really there. Her eyes bulged open, wide and terrified, and her face—normally pink with blush—was a pale shade of blue…and the rope that squeezed tight around her neck swung her slowly from side to side. She looked exactly as she had seven years ago. This couldn’t be happening. I stumbled and fell backward, another scream escaping from my throat. I threw my hands over my eyes as if that would make it all go away.

“Kara? What’s going on?” Caleb burst through the door, Nathan following behind him. I was out of breath, shaking. I pointed in front of me. “What? What is it?” he asked, frantic, peering in the closet.

I gasped aloud. Caleb stood in front of a full closet, t-shirts on hangers and a pile of shoes on the floor. No noose. No mom.

Except I was positive she was there. I saw her with my own eyes, but there was clearly nothing in my closet. It had seemed too real. A shiver ran all the way up my spine.

“Kara,” Nathan began, walking over. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He reached down to touch my hand, but I pulled it away. I didn’t want him to know what I saw, or what I thought I saw.

I tried to laugh it off. “I thought I saw a mouse,” I breathed.

“A mouse?” Nathan questioned. Caleb poked around the nooks of my closet.

“Yes, a mouse,” I repeated. Both Nathan and Caleb looked at me like I was crazy. If only they knew….

I stood and reached around Caleb, snagging the grey hoodie from its hanger. “Here it is.” I threw it over my head.

“You almost gave me a heart attack,” Caleb breathed.

Nathan chuckled. “Well, let us know if the boogeyman decides to stop by.” The two left my room.

The moment the door closed my knees buckled and my stomach sank. What was happening to me? Caleb said I would feel different, but he never mentioned this. I felt like I was losing my mind. Is this what it’s like to go insane? Is this how my mother felt all those years? My mother. My poor mother. She always said she saw things that weren’t there. I remember she would scream for hours on end without any explanation. No one could stop her. Was that happening to me, too? Maybe this had nothing to do with my Becoming. I shuddered at the thought. No, I decided. That would make me crazy, and crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. This was simply a phase of Becoming, only a phase.

I glanced to my closet again, normal as ever.

I lay in my bed for the next four hours. I didn’t want to sleep because I was afraid of what I would dream, so I lay with them open, staring at the closet. Part of me wanted confirmation that it was only a closet and not some portal to another dimension, but the other part was too scared to look away.

Once the sun started to go down I had to turn my light on. The darkness seemed too unpredictable; too foreign and it set me on edge.

I hadn’t realized how much time had passed until Caleb tapped softly on my door and let himself in. “Feeling better?” My desk lamp dimly lit his features. Caleb looked exhausted, really exhausted. I knew I had been worrying him over the past few weeks, but I wasn’t sure how to make the situation any better.

“Kind of, I guess.” I sat up and threw my hair into a ponytail in attempt to make myself look a little less disheveled.

Caleb took a seat on the edge of my bed. “I can tell.”

“You can?”

“Your essence is much warmer than before. It’s still not as warm as it used to be, but it’s definitely an improvement from this afternoon.” I took comfort in his words. At least I knew I was more like myself now than I was six hours ago. I didn’t like being angry.

“You and Nathan make it look so easy, Caleb. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.”

“It’s rough on everyone in the beginning. You just have to get through it the first couple of times and then the rest is easy.”

I rolled my eyes. “Easy? I don’t understand how anything about this could be easy,” I vented. “I’ve never been a violent person. Never in my life have I ever wanted to physically harm another person, but all it took was one tiny comment and I attacked one of my classmates without a thought. I probably would have gone after Headmaster Florence if you weren’t there, Caleb. It was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced,” I admitted.

“It won’t happen again,” Caleb quickly replied. “You’re new. You just have to learn self-control.”

“Easier said than done,” I muttered.

Caleb sighed. “Don’t worry, you’ll see.” He patted my leg. “You should come downstairs. Dinner is almost ready.”

“I’m not hungry.”

Caleb looked hard into my eyes, like he was searching for something. “If you say so.” He stood. “I’ll put the leftovers in the fridge if you change your mind.”

         An idea occurred to me just as he was about to leave. “Hey, Caleb?”

         “Hm?”

         “Am I like, grounded grounded?” I asked.

         A soft chuckle escaped from his lips which in turn made me smile. It was a relief to see something other than a frown on his face. “No. I could never ground you; it would make me seem old.” He made a face of mock disgust. “It’s just better if you avoid going into town. You’re supposed to be suspended after all. Why do you ask?”

         “I was just wondering if Nick could come over.”

         “Now?”

         I nodded.

         “I don’t know, Kara. It’s been kind of a long day.”

         I needed to see Nicholas. I need to talk to him face to face. I felt like he was the only thing that could make me feel better. “Please?” I begged.

         Caleb did that thing again, where he stared into my eyes a split second too long before finally saying, “Alright.”

         Relief washed over me. “Thanks,” I smiled. Caleb shook his head, and left the room.

         I pulled out my phone and messaged Nicholas: I Need To See You.

         He responded right away: Leaving Now.

         I put my phone back on my nightstand and sat waiting for Nicholas. To my surprise, I had butterflies in my stomach. I waited on my bed, still keeping my eyes on the closet. I hadn’t heard Nicholas come in. I jumped when he opened the door.

         Nicholas stood in the middle of my room with his hand in his back pocket. A sudden eagerness burned through me. Everything I’d been holding back suddenly surfaced. I ran over to Nicholas and fell into his open arms. He folded them around me. I rested my head on his chest, taking comfort in the sweet smell of his cologne. I felt the hot tears well up in my eyes.

         “What is it?” he asked, stroking my hair.

I told him about Angela, and the helpless feeling. “And things keep getting worse.” I shivered. We were both sitting on the bed now, with our backs against the headboard.

Nicholas held my hand and listened intently. “What do you mean?”

I didn’t know how to phrase it without sounding insane. “I keep,” I hesitated. “I keep seeing things.”

I’m not sure why I expected Nicholas to point in my face and laugh, but it consoled me when he nodded seriously and then asked, “What do you see?”

“I saw my mom,” I whispered and a small tear escaped from the corner of my eye. My hands were shaking. “She was in my closet, and she looked just as she had when she died.” I hated bringing the image to my mind again.

“What did Caleb say?”

“I can’t tell him,” I explained. “I sound crazy.”

“You’re not crazy.”

“Did you see things after your Becoming?” I challenged.

“Well, no,” he stumbled. “But maybe this is just different for you because you’re a female.”

I guess it made sense; things would be different for me solely because I am a girl. Still, it didn’t help the awful feeling growing in the pit of my stomach. “I don’t want to end up like my mom, Nick.”

Nicholas held my shaking hands in his. “That is not going to happen. Do you understand me?” His voice was calm and stern all at the same time. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t find the confirming words. He tilted my chin upwards, forcing me to meet his eyes. I was too afraid if I spoke, I’d want to scream, so I only nodded and then rested my head on Nicholas’ shoulder.

“I’m so tired,” I whispered closing my eyes.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No. I just mean I’m exhausted. Today was such a weird day.”

“There’s another one coming tomorrow.” He pressed his lips into my hair.

“I know,” I sighed. “I have to meet with the Committee.”

“You make it sound like it’s a bad thing.” Nicholas frowned.

I could never understand Nicholas’ favor for the Committee. I had always seen them as an ominous force ready to strike down those who disobeyed. Of course, I knew I was biased as Caleb had turned down offers to join the Elders numerous times, but the whole idea of a secret government still freaked me out, especially because I was about to stand before them for evaluation in less than twenty four hours. “I don’t want to think about it,” I groaned. “We should probably get up, though, before Caleb walks in and has a heart attack.”  I suddenly realized our close proximity, on my bed no less.

Nicholas understood and laughed half-heartedly, breaking the tension in the room. We slid off the bed, but Nicholas kept our fingers intertwined. He kissed my hand and my heart fluttered. It was nice to be close to someone and just revel in their positive energy. I felt my heart beat faster as I looked to Nicholas’ face. I admired his sharp, angular features, his soft lips, his cool, green eyes…. I shot up instantly, pulling away from Nicholas.

It was like a switch in my mind had been flipped, just like it had in the commons area when the red hot anger began to burn inside of me. I was ready to panic, afraid I’d snap again, and lose myself completely this time, but I soon realized this was a different type of burning; something much different from anger.

I studied Nicholas again, but with different eyes this time. I kissed him, then. He was surprised at first, but didn’t push away. I closed the gap between us, wanting to be closer and closer, too close. I couldn’t stop. He was the only thing in the world in that instant. Time froze and I swam in the sweet, blissful moment. I ran my fingers through his hair just as he trailed his fingers down the small of my back. We were so close, I thought we might melt together, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I tugged at the bottom of Nicholas’ shirt, trying to raise it over his head.

Nicholas pulled away. “What are you doing?” he chuckled. Why wasn’t he kissing me? My lips met his again, but it wasn’t right. He was too hesitant now; too careful. He took a step back. “Kara?” he asked more serious. He held me by the shoulders. I couldn’t stop, I wanted all of him. I needed all of him. The heat infected my mind.

“Kara. Stop,” he ordered as he pinned my hands—that so eagerly reached for the collar of his shirt—to my sides. “This isn’t you, Kara. Take control.” He said firmly. His words tickled some distant thought in the back of my brain.

I stopped.

Nicholas looked deep into my eyes, searching. Searching for someone who wasn’t there. He was looking for Kara, the real Kara, not this girl who was blinded by some force she could not manage.

Control, I repeated in my head. Take control.