the carnival

on a ferris wheel of emotions
for a moment, it is like i am getting somewhere
only to be pulled back into dismay
stuck at the highest point now
a rickity bar separating me from the oblivion
of things i dare not feel
a violent swirl of angry hues bubble towards me
it's slow mechinical voice taunting me with all my shortcomings
hoping i am lost enough to lean in to it's words
one wrong move and i will be drowning forever
so i remind myself to breathe, focus on a breeze
dry these tears to sand, as I wouldn't want them free
finally, my energy is gone, and though i feel heavy i also feel numb
I sink into myself, a grey dusty reasoning that will eventually fade away
If i had the energy, I would climb down this thing
and walk away from this carnival of doom

god i pray this is all a test, that theres a deeper reason here
come up come up come up
I know life has something in store
a depression blurs my vision
which i will clear in front of others
this will pass
and come
and pass
and I will remain iron
fresh paint hiding the rust
see how i hold it together while fading to dust