my life more of a documenting of events

i lived in fear and dread every day of my life. i spent 20 years with a man that was not only abusive physically but mentally and verbally. there were many nights i would weep uncontrollably and ask God "why? what have i done to deserve this? whatever i did im sorry. ill do whatever i have to to make it right. please! just take him away! let him get hit by a truck or a bus or something horrible happen to him. please!"
even in the very beginning, i should've known what i was getting myself into. i saw him. very handsome and i figured "oh great! he's gonna think oh yeah! i get stuck with the fat girl all nite". i did my usual thing to push men away before they can push me away by making a comment about how wonderful God is and that my faith is strong because usually men would just write me off as a religious nut and not be laughing and saying to themselves "what a cow!" but with him this didn't work. he argued back. i couldn't believe it. was someone as messed up as me in this world? BUT then when i joked about my dad being strong and could take him, i should've known how he was, i told him "well my dad would protect me! he would never let you talk to me that way" as a joke just sort of being silly and since we had been drinking that was easy for me to do, but when i said it he took his hand on one side near my face and punched it with the other so hard and the hate in his face... it was so scary. i was terrified, but then he calmed down and we talked and that's how it started.
he drank all the time. everyday. and it was never easy to pick him up from work and wonder "will he be happy today? will i say something or do something wrong and make him mad today? please God help me to do and say the right things so he doesn't get mad! please!" on fridays he would drink excessively none stop. i would go stay with my mother so he could have time for himself as he said everything in life was so stressful for him he couldn't take it. so i wanted to help ease that and i would let him do whatever he wanted and i would go away and come back on saturday mornings and every friday after work i would go to the store and buy him a 24 case of beer so he could drink it that nite alone. i did find out later that he wasn't just drinking but also doing drugs and trying to meet other women, but i digress. when i would come home on saturday's i would be so excited to see him and couldn't wait to spend the day with him, but he would be drunk and sleeping off the fact he'd been up all nite so i wouldn't see him until i was going to bed saturday night and then he would stay up again and sleep thru most of sunday too. there were so many things i wanted to do and go to together, but we never could. when i would ask him to go with my family and i to see the lights in chicago it would be early on a saturday so we could see the windows before the nite came and brought all the cold and he would still be drunk and angry and yelling and swearing at everyone and eventually no one wanted to go with us anymore. i invited my nephew to go one saturday and bob was drunk of course and took my nephew goofing around with him and put him inside a garbage can and he couldn't get out. he laughed and said he was just goofing around with him of course and i yelled for him to please stop and take him out. just one example of so many odd things he would do.
after he lost his job the first time, he started doing drugs out in the open with his friends in the house with me finally pregnant and worried that their smoke would get to my unborn baby and sleeping under a pillow so i couldn't breath the smoke in and hurt my baby. he started to become physically violent with me. shoving me into doors and walls and while i was driving him anywhere work or to his friends house wherever it would be. when i went to have an ultrasound i was terrified he told me God hated him and would punish him by giving him a daughter and if He did he would get even with Him. i wasn't sure what that meant but i knew that i lived in fear. i went for an ultrasound and of course they couldn't see for sure if it was a boy or girl which then enraged him in the hsp and he starts swearing and saying (in front of everyone i was so embarrased) " that figures! i can't get ANYTHING i want outta life! this is F*&(king BS and punching the walls. then i fell and had to have another and i thought "oh good! please God PLEASE let them be able to see so he wont get mad!" but no... no luck again and another tantrum ensued. then when he was born i was so happy :) the happiest i have ever been in my entire life :) i knew i now had someone that would love me unconditionally and forever. unfortunately the abuse started to get worse. loss of another job and now he wasn't just surfing the internet for women he was hiding behind curtains video taping them and more of course. the drugs and alcohol still coming and NOW i have a baby and i CANT leave on friday nites so he would use the babies room to do whatever he wanted so i couldnt see him and he could be alone and drink and get high and do other things. now he always had troubles with God and i spent years trying to help him YEARS, but i never could nothing worked. he wasn't an atheist, he was closer to a satanist. he despised God and started saying the most atrocious things you could ever imagine about Jesus. they were really bad, i dont even know if i can type them they were so bad. they were let's just say, references to Jesus and homosexuality. i mean they were really REALLY bad. so i would get mad. i couldn't just stand by and let him talk like that and say nothing. engaging an abusive alcoholic is NOT a good idea. i found this out the hard way. when i actually stood up to him and yelled at him for the way he would talk and tell him it was his own fault for the things that were happening to him? he grabbed me by the throat and started choking me. i tried to fight him off but just because i weight more does not mean i am stronger than he is. he began to squeeze and squeeze and i stopped fighting and started to look at him with panic and he had no remorse for what he had done he just stopped. i told him i was calling the police and he told me if i ever EVER called the police on him or tried to leave with our son? he would find me and kill me! he knew people and these were not the most honorable people they were people that really could kill someone and no one would ever know. he even said " i can make it look like an accident and NO ONE will know" so began my life in fear and silence. i said nothing to anyone. i stopped going to my friends houses and talking to them because he didn't like them and they (obviously) did not like him. i also started having severe physical problems. i went one morning to try to have a cup of coffee and before i knew what had happened the cup wasnt in my hand anymore and it was broken on the floor in front of me. i didnt even realize it had left my hand because i couldnt feel my fingers. i went out to smoke and the cigarrette fell from my hand. i could hold nothing with it. i had no insurance because he couldn't afford it for me and my son so i couldnt go to the hsp. i didnt know what was wrong. since it was just my hand i told myself there was nothing i could do so i just used my other hand. when i told him i couldnt hold my son because i couldnt feel my fingers he started yelling and swearing and saying how once again God was sticking it to him. not me....not worried about what was wrong with me! talking about himself! how awful this was for HIM. so then i just shut up about it and used my other arm and hand to hold him and when it took me longer to do things he would get so mad (which made me sooooo nervous all the time!) so i would try to speed up and loose my grip sometimes. luckily i never dropped my son. then after about a week i did get some feeling back but i was left with this strange numb feeling like i was shot with novacane in my hands. then after about a month i woke up one morning and couldnt use my one leg or foot mostly. i had to drag it along to get around. still he made no move to help and still complained and even suggested i was making it up just for sympathy. still with no ins i had to wait and hope upon hope that the same thing that happened with my hands would happen with my foot and after about a week or so it did leaving me with the same numb feeling in my feet now. then one day while in the shower the muscle in my back and stomach became like a charlie horse and were squeezing me so tight i could barely breath and couldnt stand up because of the pain. i tried to get ready to go to church because i was afraid if i didn't go God would punish me no matter what the reason so i tried to take my baby to church we hobbled to the door in excruciating pain and i said forget it and we left. this i ended up going to the er for anyway w/o ins and they told me all they could do was xray when they did they said they found my spine was covered in arthritis and i would need a specialist for it. obviously i couldnt so they gave me pain med and after about 2 days that went away. weird things kept happening off and on and then after he lost another job i went to a newspaper delievery and begged them for a job. he finally got a job at walmart on a second shift. but without a license i would have to drive him. it is now the beginning of winter and i am driving him to work in the afternoon, coming back with my son feeding him dinner at 4 and i would tell him we had to go to sleep at 6pm and then id have to wake him up and carry him to the car at 10pm drive an hour away and an hour back get home at midnight go back to sleep for 2 hrs get up to deliver newspapers get home at 6am sleep for 30min and my son would get up and want to play and i would just have to keep going. i started having more physical problems now with my leg and having to lift it into the car, my foot would slip off the gas pedal w/o me knowing it and onto the gas so we would lurch forward. i started getting lost in our own neighborhood because things didn't look familiar anymore. one nite he was particularly drunk and high and my son was about 3 now. when i came out because he was swearing and talking in a bizzare language i couldnt sleep and i was cranky from lack of sleep and when he started in on Jesus again i told him, "Jesus is a loving man and he would NEVER do anything to anyone violent. He loves us all!" and he came at me again. grabbed my throat with my son on the couch watching and started choking me and when he finally let go he began jumping up and down on my foot trying to break it. i started screaming for someone to please call the police but no one did. i kept screaming "you're going to break it! please stop!!" he wouldn't finally after what seemed like forever he stopped and i went into the bathroom crying and telling him i couldnt move my ankle. he stumbled off drunk and said "you deserve it!"i told him i had to go for a drive for awhile. i didnt know if id come back or not, but i took my son and drove. we went to denny's and i got him breakfast even though it was actually only 5am and then i let him eat as much as he wanted to take as long as i could hoping he would fall asleep and sleep it off. when we came home he was passed out in the bedroom. finally he got a better job and i was able to stop the papers which was good because physically for some reason my body was shutting down. i couldnt use my arm, my leg i couldnt see at nite i kept forgetting addresses i couldnt lift anything or roll the papers. i finally was able to get insurance for my son with the state and while i was the woman i talked to convinced me to get some for myself. i told her i didn't want to if it meant it would hold up my son's app. when she assured me it wouldn't i let her do it. exactly 1 wk after i got approved for the insurance. i started loosing the vision in my left eye. it started as a white circle which was ok cause i could see somewhat. eventually it got worse and took up my whole vision in that eye. i couldn't see out of it at all. i still had to drive us all wherever we had to go so i only had vision in my right eye. i had to be very careful. i waited... i waited a week, two weeks, a month, two months still no vision. it wasn't coming back like the rest had. i finally HAD to go to a doctor to find out what was wrong. the same day i went i was refered to an opthamologist then a neurologist i had mris that afternoon and they told me they'd let me know in a few weeks. they called me one afternoon and said they needed me to come in there were some bright white spots on the mris and they needed to verify exactly what they were before they could say for sure. i now had to have a spinal tap. i was terrified. i went in and within another 2mo they called me in to tell me i had M.S. back on the home front nothing was better. he now decided after i walked out and caught him in the middle of something on the internet that from now on, i cannot come out of the bedroom until after 5am. he said he had to have this time for himself it would help him. so i agreed to stay in the bedroom until 5am and my son with me. we had to go to bed at 8pm and we weren't allowed back out until 5am the next day. if we tried to come out, he would hurt me again. so here i am with a 3yr old trying to tell him why he can't leave the bedroom and what he was hearing from the other room. it was very hard to go thru. then after years of trying again to have another child i finally got pregnant. i was very happy. i love being pregnant because i love children so much. i know it was selfish of me but i wanted so much to have a child. someone that would love me unconditionally and that love would never go away. someone to share the love i have with and would love me back. i have that now, but i still am missing one thing. a man that i can share that love with. someone that will love me as they do, unconditionally. someone that wont judge me. someone that will love me for who i am. someone i can give all the love i still have deep in my heart. i do love someone that way. and my hope is that someday, somehow, with God's help he will love me as i will love him. always and forever. the one man i have looked for all my life. the one man God has sent me to that can offer me so much... his heart in return for mine. i want him to see that my love is an everlasting love that will never go away ... never change... never stop ... no matter what. i pray each nite that God will show him that. and i have faith that He will. that someday God will open his heart to mine. with God all things, no matter how hard it is for people to see, that with God ALL things are possible. thru everything ive been thru, all the bad things that have happened to me, i have always had that faith. i pray that God will show him that faith i have and the love i have to give is so real. i pray that he will see that together our hearts will beat strong with each other we can do anything. that there is no hill we can't climb, no river we can't cross that nothing will stop that love.