Awkward Situation Survival Guide

To begin, I live in a densely populated area. You may not, and this might mean you've never experienced any the stuff I'm talking about. If that's the case try and put yourself in my shoes, be glad you're not me, and laugh at my misfortune.

1. You're driving your car and you come to an intersection. You about to perform whatever maneuver you need to perform to be on your way, and either a pedestrian or another car attempts to perform their desired maneuver at the same time despite the fact you waited until your move was legal and/or tactful.

(E.G: The "You go! No, you go!" dance that people often perform at stop signs, or a hopelessly brave pedestrian obstructing your left turn then stopping right in front of you for some reason when they realize "Oh man, he'll hit me if he keeps moving")

I want to scream at the top of your lungs "Somebody do SOMETHING!" until I realized I'm part of the "somebody".

Solution: If you're proactive, make eye contact if possible and inform them with a stare or hand gesture what you're going to do. Do no assume that's all it takes; watch them for a second or three to make sure they're not terminally apathetic to your vehicle!
If not, turn on your hazard lights, flood lights (assuming it's daytime), and windshield wipers simultaneously. Perhaps you could even spray copious amounts of wiper fluid on your windshield. They should be confused and/or frightened enough to get away from you as fast as possible. (I have no idea if that maneuver is legal so use it at your own assumed risk)

2. You're walking out of a building, and are the kind of person who holds doors. You walk out, holding the door, then glance behind you to make sure you don't shut it in somebody's face. The person following is just far enough to make it awkward to either let the door go or continue holding it.

Solution: Smile broadly and wait. If you don't get a "thank you", huff indignantly. The person deserves it and (sadly) probably won't care. In my mind it's better to be inconvenienced for a jerk than watching a door slam on somebody and having them look at you with their face imploring "Why!?"

3. Somebody in front of you on the sidewalk is walking really slow and blocking your path, and you're in a hurry.

(E.G: The walker is on the phone, thinking deeply, reading a book, whatever. Completely unaware of you. Or could care less that you exist because they're selfish.)

Solution: Resist your urge to pass them by obstructing pedestrians going the other way (If there are any). There is no need to drag them into the situation too. Measure the situation. An old lady is not trying to inconvenience you, and you should just wait until there's an open space to pass. If they're not excused, stomp as you walk right behind them as slowly and loudly as you can. Maintain a blank smile in case they look back, and avoid eye contact if they do because that means they're looking for a confrontation, and that's probably why they're walking like a tourist in the first place. Don't give them what they want. They're not giving you what you want.

If this approach yields nothing, the person could care less how inconvenienced you are or is dwelling within their own mind. Or they hear you and are silently smug about inconveniencing you. Brush into them as you pass them in the most awkward way possible without being overtly confrontational. Never shove or bump somebody out of the way. I said brush. Pushing or shoving makes you the bad guy. If they say something rude to your back, remember why you awkwardly passed them in the first place and grin because they're just mad because they are no longer inconveniencing you.

4. Somebody cuts in front of you in line at a store.

Solution: Tap on their back and say "No" with an expressionless face and tone. They know what they did. If they try to play it off with friendly overtures ("Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there!"), return the favor by thanking them with friendly overtures ("Oh it's okay, I'm just in a hurry. :: winning smile ::).

If that doesn't work or somehow starts a confrontation, continue the blank stare until the confrontation stops (say nothing), or they glance over their shoulder nervously while exiting the store after an otherwise successful line-cut. Hopefully you will draw as much satisfaction from unsettling a rude person as I do. You might be surprised at how much acting in a passionless manner unnerves people, especially in situations that usually prompt an emotional response.

Worst case, you lose two minutes of your life and the person doesn't care at all. Oh well. Starting a physical fight is, in this situation, always dumb, even if you'll win.
(The reason: You're not going to be able to make your purchase after assaulting a customer in 99% of stores.)

5. An obviously homeless (A new term is required for that word) person asks you for money, a cigarette, or anything besides information that you could give in one sentence as you walk past.

Solution: Completely ignore them. Forget it. Whatever else they say is a complete lie and tailored to try and win your sympathy and generosity. If the individual wanted money, they'd work. Employment programs exist for even people who look horribly unkempt, especially in urban centers.

Sure, they might be insane. In that case they should not be on the street begging for money! You probably pay taxes to take care of these people should they allow themselves to be cared for - so don't pay extra. At least not into their palms. And don't try to change or help them as any show of concern will be interpreted as "Hey, I can con this guy!"

Yes it's sad. However sad it may be, I swear it's true.

6. An individual asks you a question about drugs as you walk past.

Solution: Do not under any circumstances respond. Keep walking. Don't even make eye contact, even if you personally sell/use the drugs they inquire after. Seriously. Who asks somebody they have never met for drugs, or information that will lead them to drugs? If they accost you after you attempt to ignore them and you can't make a hasty exit, say "I don't do that stuff."

Best case scenario: It's a desperate addict.
Worst case scenario: It's somebody trying to rob you.
Possible Scenario: It's an undercover cop.
No matter what, you're not getting money or drugs. Sorry to break it to you.

7. Somebody who is clearly intoxicated yells something unintelligible to you and is waiting for a response.

Response: Raise your right arm with a fist clenched and yell something back similar to "Hell yea!" (For those who don't understand the sentiment behind the statement, it's basically an agreement to whatever was said)
It will usually elicit from the drunk a similar response. Keep moving to avoid a confusing and boring conversation and/or philosophical rant.
If they appear confused, keep moving. You've made their brain encounter a critical "system error" and they won't recover in the time it takes for you to walk away if they're drunk enough to yell a phrase in an incoherent manner.
If they become angry and yell again, and you can't leave the situation, look confused and say "Wait, what did you say?" and appear genuinely interested. Then humor them until they start talking to somebody else or pass out. Appear genuinely interested! (I have a PHD in Drunkenese)

(These are my preferred responses and they may yet get me killed/maimed/abducted/set fire to/possessed/incarcerated. Use at your own risk. This is a work of "creative" writing. If your responses are better, or you've been in a situation I haven't yet covered, I'd love to hear about it!)

To be continued as I encounter more awkward scenarios, respond inappropriately, then think about them way too hard after the fact.