How to Flirt: A Satire

Communicate Your Interest: How to Flirt

Let’s face it: most people can’t recognize when someone is trying to show a romantic interest in them. We therefore have an obligation to make ourselves as clear as possible when it comes to helping the object of our desires to realize our less-than-platonic intensions. Drawn from the experts of Seventeen and Cosmopolitan magazine—along with a healthy splash of common folk wisdom—here are just a few of the many ways you can communicate your interest to your interest, if you catch my drift.

(Note that these tips are, for the most part, geared towards young women attempting to attract men; however, most can be adapted for reversed—or even parallel!—situations, and I have graciously suggested such addendums where appropriate.)

Say, for example, you’ve been invited to a party, and you know bunches of fabulous flirting prospects are going to show. You can’t just waltz in and expect people to notice you for your charming, vivacious personality and witty repertoire of conversational tools—you have to look like a piece of grab-‘em-and-get-on-that meat to consider nabbing the prize. Hit the following checklist to make sure you’re as ready as possible.

•Wear red. So what if the only red top you own is a tank-top and it’s -15 degrees outside? Red stands out, and that’s what you have to do.

•Girls, be sure to paint your nails a ‘girly’ color. This will alert your cutie that you wish to wrap your fingers around his beefy bicep. (Pink and glitter colors work well for this.) Conversely, men should paint their nails a color that makes viewers aware of their deep, sensitive side, like black.

•Be bold with cosmetics. Show that you cared enough to take the time to paint yourself to attract someone else. While you’re at it, add a “smudge” black line across both cheekbones. Hey, love is a battlefield, and you want to make sure your warpaint is properly applied and noticeable!

Congratulations! You’re finally ready to leave and go to the party, arriving fashionably late (of course). You’re chatting with your friends when, all of a sudden, you look across the room and—bam! It hits you like a piano dropped from seven stories up: that person all the way over there—henceforth known as “Crush”—is smokin’ hot. You don’t know what Crush does for fun, or what he’s doing with his life, or if he’s got a criminal record; all you know is, you’re dressed for the kill and he’s got a target painted on his forehead. How do you get Crush to notice you?

•Stare! Don’t let social convention put you off; trying to bore holes through the skull of Crush from across the room is a surefire way to communicate your interest. Fight the urge to blink—the longer you look, the more you’re telling Crush you like him.

•Point your feet towards him. Think of your toes as a compass needle and Crush as magnetic North: they should always be drawn towards him. Go with instinct and let your feet rotate towards him, no matter what you’re doing or where he is. If you are part-owl, you should be able to accomplish this fairly easily; if you’re not, you’ll experience neck cramps, but it’s all for a good cause.

Oh, Crush has finally noticed your flirting efforts—isn’t he deliciously oblivious?—and is working his way through the crowd to you. His mouth is open, probably gearing up to tell you something incredibly sweet and endearing, but there’s no time for that now: you must—

•Fall into him. The untied shoelace of a sex-kitten stiletto, a wrinkle in the carpet, a nearly invisible ladybug—these are all ample opportunities for you to stumble and fall against Crush. An inability to stand on your own two feet without the support of someone else is incredibly sexy, you see. Crush will immediately sense your need for a guardian to save you from yourself and will rise to the occasion.

Hopefully, this incident will break the ice—or at least your fall—and you might achieve an actual conversation. The subject isn’t particularly important; the conversation is merely the vehicle for more flirtatious body language, which becomes all the more potent for its short range.

•Face your palms to the ceiling. He will either be impressed by your constant devotion to Buddha or notice that your hands are devoid of anything—i.e., money—and conclude that you are obviously looking for a Sugar Daddy.

•Dilate your pupils. Nothing says “I like you” like two lipid pools of glistening blackness in the middle of your face. Basic biology tells when we see something—or someone!—we like, our pupils become larger. Try maneuvering you and your crush in low-light settings, like a basement or a small closet. (Lines like, “Oh hey, I think I left my purse in that dark corner over there! Will you help me find it?” have a particularly high success rate.) The closet is especially conducive for this trick, as its smaller proportions force your crush to come close enough to see your come-hither, pupil-dominated eyeballs.

It’s now the following day, and you have a wicked hangover—and Crush’s number! He’s got yours, too, apparently, because he’s invited you to lunch later that week. What do you do?

•Respond to texts immediately. Your promptness will impress your admirer, telling him that you are definitely interested.

•Do not respond to texts until at least one day has passed. You will simultaneously intrigue your admirer and drive him crazy with questions. This indirectly informs him that you are interested.*

*(Note: Some of the advice above may seem contradictory; I assure you, it is not. If you haven’t figured out how to do all of these steps simultaneously, you are clearly not trying hard enough.)

At this point, you should have secured the first date, which is really what all serious flirts are after. If you have not won that date, remember that above all else, you must never discuss your feelings with your crush upfront. I repeat: never, ever, ever come straight out and tell someone that you like them. (Ever.) Such clarity can only lead to emotional and mental overload.

And with that final admonition, I leave you to your war paints and falling practice. Happy hunting!