The D-word

                   Danny and Jake sat on the foot of their parents’ bed. Danny swung his legs, still too short to reach the floor. He kicked his brother in the process, and the two started fighting again. Jake had Danny locked in a chokehold against the headboard when Mom came in. Before she had a chance to yell, the boys got busy blaming each other.
         “M-m-moooooooomma!” Danny wailed, his eyes already tearing up. He had learned over the summer that Mom was a sucker for crying.
          “NUH-UH! He kicked ME!” Jake knew all too well where this was headed, and wasn’t about to let his little brother out-maneuver him.
         Mom just stood there, her arms folded, her eyes puffy and red. While Danny continued his act, Jake could sense his mother’s troubles. Since he started middle school, Jake had gotten awful good at picking up on things. Little stuff that Danny never seemed to catch: how Dad never went to church with them, or how Mom was always in a foul mood when Grandma came to visit. At that moment, he noticed the suitcase by the bedroom door.
         “Boys, we need to…” Mom coughed, clearly (to Jake, at least) covering a sob, “We need to talk about something”.
         Suddenly, Jake started crying. All at once he KNEW. He knew why Mom had called them to her room. He knew why the suitcase was there. He knew why Mom was crying. He knew why Dad wasn’t home yet. It was that word, the one that his friend Mike had used so many times last year.
         “Di…di…” It was too much. He broke, crying harder than his brother had just moments ago.
         At this, Mom’s front collapsed and the tears rolled. She slid onto the bed between her boys, wrapping her arms around them. Danny was confused, but when his saw his big brother cry, he knew it was something serious, and his crocodile tears became real. The three sat there for what seemed like forever, until Danny finally broke the silence.
         “What’s going on Momma? What is it?” Danny’s mind was already drifting toward the broken picture frame he had stuffed under his bed. It was of the four of them at the county fair, one of the few pictures they had of the whole family together. Dad had knocked it over coming home one night, and Danny hid it in his room, worried that Mom would get mad. He didn’t want to get in trouble for it either, though.
         Mom did her best to get her composure back, wiping her eyes with one hand and hugging Danny tight with the other. There was no easy way to do this, and she knew it.
         “Honey, see…” she struggled to get her thoughts together, “me and your dad both love you. Very, very much…” and so it went; the speech she had said over and over in her mind gone, left with this fumbling excuse. She made it through the key points, somehow; how Dad wouldn’t be living there anymore, and how they would still be a family, just a different kind of family. She told them that Dad would be by later to pick up some clothes, and they could see him then, but she wasn’t sure when they’d get to see him after that.
         They sat there, the three of them wrapped in silence. Eventually, Mom checked the bedside clock and realized it was already 1 and they hadn’t eaten lunch yet. She headed to the kitchen, leaving the boys in her room. Jake sulked down the hall to his room and slammed the door. Danny tried to follow, only to find the door locked.
         “Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake,” Danny moaned, banging on his brother’s door.
         “Go AWAY,” Jake sobbed, his voice muffled through the door.
         “But…but bubba…”
         “I don’t give a DAMN, Danny. GO. AWAY.”
         Danny gasped, and almost automatically switched into his pity cry. He ran to the kitchen as fast as he could, arms flailing in “distress”.
         “MOMMOMMOM” he started before rounding the corner into the kitchen. As he entered, he smelled something terrible. Mom sat at the table, back turned, slouched over. Black smoke bellowed from the stove as tiny bits of hamburger crumbled in the pan. Danny jumped to the stove and went to pull the pan off the eye, and immediately screamed in pain. The cast-iron skillet fell to the floor. Between the crash and the scream of her son, Mom snapped out of her stupor.
         “Oh! Oh baby,” Mom got some ice and a freezer bag and gave it to Danny or his hand, “What were you thinking! You know better than to grab stuff on the stove.”
         “I’m *sniff* I’m sorry momma. I just… I just…” tears ran down his cheeks, the day’s events catching up with him again. Mom kneeled down and picked him up, rocking him gently like she did when he was little. She stroked his hair, whispering small assurances that everything would be alright. He told her about Jake using the bad word, causing Mom to release a heavy sigh.
         “Don’t be too mad at your brother. It’s been a tough day. For all of us. I’ll go talk to him. Why don’t YOU…” she grabbed the loaf of bread and placed it in Danny’s arms, “make us all some sandwiches.” She ruffled his hair and headed down the hall to Jake’s room.
         Reaching for the knob, Mom could already hear Jake sniffling in the hallway.
         “Jake? Honey, let me in.” A moment of silence, then a barely audible “No.”
         Using a coin, Mom managed to shimmy the lock open. Jake lay across his bed, face buried deep into his pillow. His room was in shambles, as usual. However, his autographed baseball (signed by some player Dad always said was important) which usually sat proudly on top of his TV now lay in the corner, covered in drywall dust.
         Jake curled up tighter as Mom sat on the bed, pressing himself into the space between the mattress and the wall. She tried to stroke his hair, but Jake deflected, pulling the pillow over his head.
         “Jake, I…”
         “I said no,” his cheerless little voice barely audible. Mom wrapped her arm around his waist and laid next to him.
         “Honey, I’m sorry. I really am. But you have to understand…your father and I…”
         “WHAT?” Jake yelled, “You need some time apart? You just don’t feel the same anymore? Mike already told me all about it.” He pulled his head out and looked at Mom, his eyes red and swollen. “Why mom? Why is it like this?”
         Mom reached over and opened the blinds, letting the afternoon sun fill the dreary room. A heavy sigh escaped her as she tried to find the words to explain.
         “It’s hard to…it’s like…me and your dad just…we aren’t the same people we were when we met. Back then, we…well, we were in love.”
         “So, you don’t….love Dad anymore?” The look on Jake’s face nearly drove Mom back into hysterics. She leaned in and kissed him on the forehead.
         “What happened between your dad and me isn’t something for you to worry about. It’s between me and him. What matters is both of us still love you. You understand that, right?”
         Jake returned a small nod, sitting up and propping his back against the wall. As he finally started to calm down, it gave Mom a chance to do the same. She shot him a tiny smile.
         “Now listen, you need to be nicer to your brother, especially right now. Remember, he’s only six. He has no idea what’s going on. Right now, Danny’s gonna need you more than ever. Think you can handle that?”
         Jake sat there, staring at his feet. He hadn’t meant to yell at his brother. Sure, he and Danny fought plenty, but there were good times too. Jake thought back to a few summers ago, when the whole family went to the beach. Jake had already been to the beach before, but it was Danny’s first time, and he was ecstatic. He remembered how scared Danny was to get in the water, until Dad…
         Jake bit down hard, grinding his teeth again. He wasn’t going to start crying again. He was going to be strong. For Danny. For Mom.
         “Yeah. Yeah I can.” he smiled up at his mother, resting his hands around her neck, both of them taking comfort in the hug.
         “That’s my little man,” Mom said, standing, bringing both of them to their feet, “Now, let’s go see how your brother’s doing with those sandwiches…”
         As they made their way toward the kitchen, the doorbell rang. Jake rushed to the window, tearing away from Mom’s embrace. On the porch stood Dad, staring at his watch, dressed in some sort of suit. Dad always was looking at his watch. The doorbell rang one more time before Mom made it to the door, taking a moment to breathe before opening it.
         “Lynn,” Dad said, exceedingly formal.
         “Rodger,” Mom shot back, equally curt. She turned to Jake, “Honey, why don’t you go grab your dad’s stuff for him? It’s…”
         “I know where it is,” Jake cut her off, slouching his way to Mom’s bedroom. While he wasn’t happy about getting Dad’s stuff, he was just glad to be out of that room. No matter what Mom said about “staying friends”, Jake could hardly breathe for the tension between them.
         The door to Mom’s room was open. Inside, A myriad of business-wear lay scattered across the floor. The suitcase was gone. Jake, confused, did the first thing that came to mind.
         “MOOOOOOOOOOOM”
         In an instant, Mom stood at the doorway, with Dad standing right behind her. His face started growing red as he looked from the mess on the floor to Mom.
         “What the HELL, Lynn? Is this your idea of a joke? I have to be at the airport in an hour!”
         “WELL, I don’t remember telling YOU you could come in MY house!“ Mom whipped around, eyes wide, fists clenched.
         “YOUR house?” Dad was screaming now, and Mom was not far from it. As the emotional dam began to break, Jake interjected.
         “Guys,” he said, voice shaking. Partially in an attempt to ease the friction, and partially in true wondering, “Where’s Danny?” he asked.
         The fight left their eyes in an instant. Mom cried his name, heading for the kitchen, while Dad moved the opposite direction, toward Danny’s room. Jake followed him closely, reluctant to let Dad out of his sight for too long. Danny’s room was far neater than Jake’s, his floor spotless, and walls adorn with dinosaur stickers. The room’s cleanliness made the cluttered chest of drawers all the more noticeable. The top drawer was nearly empty, as was the small toy box next to it.
         “Damn it, Lynn,” Dad muttered as he sat down on Danny’s bed, clasping his face in his hands. Mom rushed in in tears. She looked to Dad for an answer, but he simply looked up and shook his head.
         Five minutes later the three were sprinting out the door, calling for Danny. The house was nestled on the edge of a thick wall of trees, far back from the narrow road their mailbox sat on. The driveway was long and winding, cutting through patches of trees, the leaves of which formed a canopy across the gravel. Both Mom and Dad seemed lost, heads spinning, considering the infinite number of possible directions their son could have headed.
         “DAMNIT,” Dad exclaimed, pulling out a cigarette. Try as he might, Jake couldn’t remember seeing his Dad smoke before. Mom was clearly just as surprised.
         “Since when do you…”
         “Don’t you think we have a few more important things to worry about?” Dad scolded her.
         “Oh, so now you’re gonna tell ME what’s important? After spending your son’s graduation at work?”
         “It was an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL graduation, for Christ’s sake. Would you rather I had just left work? Got fired? Would THAT have made you happy?”
         And so it went. Meanwhile, Jake thought back to earlier that week. He and Danny had both got out of school early, and were exploring the woods behind their house. Usually, their parents would yell at them if they got too far back, but both were still at work, giving the brothers a chance to go deeper in than they usually did. They had found this old storage shack, clearly abandoned, and decided to make it into a hideout next summer. Danny had even taken a marker and made a wholehearted attempt to spell “secret base” on the door.
         He tried his best to get his parents’ attention, but they were too engrossed in proving each other wrong. After a few minutes of being ignored, Jake gave up, and headed into the woods. As he expected, tracks from the suitcase wheels followed the path he and Danny had made to the shack. After about fifteen minutes of walking, the crumbling mess of a hideout came into view, the moss-covered wood door creaking back and forth in the light breeze. Inside, he found Danny in the corner, the suitcase filled with clothes and toys open before him. Signs of tears littered his face, one arm holding a stuffed Triceratops, the other, a loaf of bread. His hand was covered in a light brown goop, an open jar of peanut butter to his side.
         “Hey bubba, want one?” He pulled a piece of bread from the bag, and used it to wipe the peanut butter from his hand. Jake couldn’t help but laugh; even running away, Danny still took Mom’s warnings about never touching knives to heart. Danny took a bite, bits of sandwich flying out of his open mouth as he chewed. “You’re not still mad at me, are ya?”
         “Nah, I wasn’t mad. Not at you, anyway.” Jake propped himself against the wall above his brother.
         “Then why’d you say the d-word?” Danny looked up at Jake, his face covered in peanut butter.
         “I’m sorry,” said Jake, hugging his little brother, “I was just…mad. At everything, I guess. But I’m alright now. What are you doin’ out here anyway? Mom and Dad are worried sick.” At this, Danny’s eyes lit up.
         “Dad’s here? He’s back?”
         Jake could hear the excitement in his brothers voice. He knew he couldn’t let Danny walk back to the house expecting everything to be alright when he got there.
         “He’s just back to get his stuff, Danny. All that stuff Mom told us is still true.”
         Danny started crying again, stopping Jake mid-thought.
         “But….but…” he sniffled, “Why? Why Jake? What are they doing this for?”
         Danny reached into the suitcase, pulling out the cracked picture of the family he had hidden under his bed. He and Jake sat there for the longest time, just looking at the four of them together. Finally, Jake was able to answer.
         “I…I don’t know. I just…I don’t. But you know what?” he asked, wiping Danny’s face with the end of his shirt.  “You still have me. You know that right?” Danny gave a little nod, giving his eyes another wipe with his forearm.
         Jake took the damaged photo from Danny. He looked around at the floor of the hideout, finally finding a small, rusty nail. He took off his shoe, and used it to pound the nail into the thin wall. Jake hung the picture up, taking care to straighten it up. As he did, a few pieces of glass from the frame fell out.
         Jake put his shoe back on, and extended his hand to Danny. They packed up the suitcase, and headed back down the path to the house, the angry voices of their parents echoing through the trees..