My heart attack for the day

Living here in Florida has its pros and cons.
The pros being the obvious; Beautiful sunny weather, beaches, No snow etc. But the cons are beginning to outweigh those pros quite swiftly.

When I first moved down to the land of eternal summer I planted myself in the posh & opulent SW coastal region known as Naples, FL. The name says it all, manicured lawns, beautiful beaches as far as the eye can see, palm trees, Mercedes & BMWs mixed in with the less desired Porshes & Lexus'. The streets are swept clean of any offending debris, Gated communities and golf courses are pristine even down to the Palm tree lined golf cart paths & the elaborate marble fountains that populate nearly every corner.

Well, folks. North Central Florida is nothing like the beautiful Naples. Instead of those majestic palm trees, golf courses and neatly swept streets that define the Florida we all see in the travel magazines, Where I live is more of a forested & hilly type area. Pines, oaks, & maples cover the landscape. I do find it to be pretty. All the foliage makes for great shade and the typical canopy covered streets. But with that comes the debris from said trees and the critters that live in these types of settings. Like bugs! Bugs bigger than any Minnesotan could ever imagine.

So, this morning I started my morning ritual of a cup of coffee and a cigarette out on my screened in lanai (that's a patio for those of you that didn't know). Taking in the warmth of the morning and enjoying the peace & solitude that I love so much here in my back yard.

I sat down in my favorite chair, booted up the laptop and proceeded to dust the sand from my toes. Well, my foot happened to knock over an oddly placed can of Bug killer (a staple item in these parts) and underneath said can, my lovely and wonderful son had left a decapitated and still squirming 4-5 inch long gigantic grasshopper! I, naturally, screamed my damn-fool head off while hurdling the randomly placed deck chairs and doing what my family refers to as "the pee-pee dance". Heebie geebies coursing through my entire body.

Rushing into the house I see my son there on the couch grinning like the Cheshire cat. I yelled at him "Jesus Christ! You could have a least warned me!!"
Laughing, my son says, "What? You mean that gi-normous f-ing bug under that Raid can??" What the hell did he think I meant? "Yea the big f-ing bug! Did you plan to do something about that?" That's when the young man told me I was a big wuss. He was nice enough to take the monstrosity away (leaving it in a terra cotta pot just outside the door, so he could "check it out later") but left the head/ brains stuck to the floor like cement.
Needless to say, I didn't need the coffee to wake me up anymore. (I was slightly concerned the caffeine might induce a full blown coronary event.) The calm of the morning was gone and now I sit here with the brains of that nasty thing schmeared on the floor beside me, his beady eyes staring up at me making my skin crawl every time I'm unfortunate enough to glance down at the floor next to my chair.