Marriage Homily: Michael and Giordana

(See 'Post-Modern Heroes: Michael and Giordana' for the broadened and extended version of this work, including homilies to celebrate birth, adolescence, coming-of-age and a funeral)


“Dear Friends. There was a time when enormous resources were put into marital ceremony and feasting, gifts and honeymoons.  Weddings were full of effusive congratulation and much mutual backslapping for a union happily concluded.  It was only a matter of time before a failure rate approaching fifty percent would begin to mock such blithely optimistic pomp and ceremony.  Thus today, the celebration of the wedding of Giordana and Michael is a modest affair, conducted with a humility that is proper to it.

There was also a time in our community when marriages were contracted and lived out as if they were entirely private matters.  With such a prolific failure rate, the catastrophic losses, both tangible and intangible, became too great to ignore.  Authorities could no longer afford to just keep flushing marital debris through the divorce, social security and child maintenance systems.  Nor could the broader community continue to absolve itself from taking much greater responsibility for such a terrible outcome by simply assuming the private failure of the contracting parties.  System collapse was starting to stare everyone in the face.  Something had to be done and it was done.

Thus today, Michael and Giordana, after much soul searching and counsel, trial separation and community based marital mentoring, have taken the first step of many in what we hope and expect will be a lifelong growth experience that will be more important to them and us and succeeding generations than anything else they ever do.

Today their marriage is being much more carefully prepared for and publicly scrutinized by a much more proactive surrounding community.  We have all had to learn to be more actively interested in each other and much franker about our emotions and intimacies. Only by declaring ourselves openly to others could we expect them to be open in return.  Thus our system of mentorship only works because the mentors have to tell all first, starting with their failures and disappointments.  By such acts of trust freely given, trust and affection is returned and so it is with great pleasure that today we honor Michael’s Sistermentor, Ling Sedgman-Ong and her husband Bert. They have agreed to being Michael and Giordana’s best people today, and have thus taken on the lifelong obligation to mentor their marriage.  All of us gratefully thank them and wish them well in this demanding and caring endeavor. 

This ceremony has been as simple, short and low key as the stage of their relationship; i.e., a very initial encounter on the long and sometimes arduous road of marital partnership.  To use a Real Estate analogy, they have merely procured and today taken possession of a commonly owned territory or space for their partnership that presently boasts sunny summer days, balmy nights, dreamy views and the very sweetest tent for two.  Now they have to build a more all weather and solid structure whose very windows will restrict and put those views into clearer and perhaps less flattering focus.  Above all, it must also have a flexible, extendable and upgradable infrastructure to meet the ever-changing circumstances of their lives. In short, they will have to capitalize and then maintain this psychological space in much the same way as the physical ones that they will acquire.   

None of this rather sober reflection is to belittle the obviously very real romantic love and passion that has brought Michael and Giordana to this point.  For them, right now, it is all encompassing.  It is hard for them to see anything else but the heart racingly exciting prospect of being together for always and always.  We do understand this, for we have not forgotten these halcyon moments in our own lives.  Long may something of this abide in their hearts.  It is the profoundly necessary initial glue that holds men and women together through the struggles that particularly attend the earlier years of married life.  May this romantic engagement become part of the deeper understanding, empathy, forgiveness, respect and commitment that comes from overcoming those hurdles together. 

Nothing is more endearing or profoundly hopeful than to see an older couple who are still having a ball together.  But by saying ‘still’, I don’t mean, as they were when they fell in love, but still, despite the hardships, the conflicts, the frustrations and the obstacles they have overcome, all to keep their relationship fresh, challenging and fun.  They have never given in to ennui, or resignation or despair.  They have found and cultivated all that was good between them through constant, thoughtful and loving effort.  Equally, they have learned to accept with grace and forbearance the not so good things that they must unavoidably endure in one another. This is an impressive achievement, but not one for you to beat yourselves with if you don’t eventually attain quite such a blissful state.  It is not given to all of us, despite our best efforts, because we cannot control all the variables.  There are some elements in relationships that are so serendipitous they defy definition. Perhaps most of the relationships under this roof today, while not blissful, still represent very solid relationship achievements that are to be admired and respected.

Thus while all of us here share a considerable satisfaction today at the joining of Giordana and Michael, and hold fervent hopes for their future together, as with any really momentous life decision, it is as much a grave and anxious moment as a joyous one.  Behind them are much easier, safer, and more predictable lives. Before them are learning curves as steep as cliffs, whose tops are yet shrouded by the mists of uncertainty, limited knowledge and inexperience.

Today you have started to give away the things of youth and taken on the beginnings of your part in holding up the roofs and walls of the world, so that its and possibly your children can grow, thrive and emerge safely from under its eaves; so that they may take your place when the time comes, with the energy, love, faith, steadfastness and knowledge that you have passed on to them.  And yes, they will inherit many of your flaws, so be wary of them.  Minimize them if you can, for they weaken these structures.  Remember, bad temper, impatience, thoughtlessness, arrogance, unreliability, faithlessness, greed, laziness, cowardice and all the thousands of other human failings, are all the more reliably learned by the young the more you model them.  And if you cannot find it in your heart to hold the structures of domestic life together, how can your successors hope to do so?  It is a heavy responsibility and burden you have taken on.

Thus today we are restraining our very natural exuberance that Michael and Giordana are now together with our collective blessing.  However, they do have our most heartfelt promise that we will celebrate their marriage and give recognition to their marital achievements in an ever more carefree and grand manner, as they pass the tests of time and trial.  They have our earnest promise that we will be there for them in their times of need, in helping them to regularly analyze their progress, remedy faults, encourage strengths and reward their successes.  Their success as a couple is not merely their goal, but ours.

Just as Giordana and Michael have promised lifelong intimacy and partnership with each other, so relatives, close community and we their friends supportively bind ourselves to them.  In this we hope and expect that they will grow in stature, esteem and authority as they travel through life together and in their turn become honored role models and mentors for those who come after them.

Go therefore in the peace that is to be the fruit of your love’s labor.  Eat of it freely, for the more you partake of it, the more it grows and the tastier it becomes.  It can never cost you too much, for its value is priceless.  It will enrich all of us while you live and it will be the most substantial part of whatever you bequeath to your successors. Bless you both. May the warmth, comfort and love you and we give to each other, keep and hold us all our lives, and down the generations.”