Reinforcing Belief

The Sun is right on top of my head.I am not roasted yet,and that is all thanks to the glass window in between me and the mighty ball of fire.I am sitting here in my corner.The workplace has been a rollercoaster ride for the past couple of days.I have been expecting some dreadful email notifications from across the globe in my official mailbox.And I still haven't got any.I have not quite understood the mechanisms of the bile juices and the internal digestive systems of my body,which I'm afraid are acting chaotic.
Is it fear or is it just cowardly to pray for the delay in the notifications? I don't really know, but after forty eight hours of waiting for a good or a bad news without prejudice,I know now that I'd rather face the truth than waste my life imagining about things that might or might not happen.
The reason why I'm perturbed is not the question here.Why and how I get agitated and confused and fear things that might come, is the concern to be dealt with here.
Is this just normal human behaviour,this anxiety and flustered thought process or is there something really wrong with me.Perhaps, time will tell.But for now, since I have some time all for myself there is no harm in self analysis.
I have always been a coward.No.Let me tweak that statement a bit.It's a bit too straightforward and more than that , harsh.None of the things I've done in my life so far, to this very second of my existence can be portrayed as cowardly.The people I have interacted with over the years know for a fact that I'm not pigeon-hearted.But if I contemplate things that I have done and not done over the years,I'm afraid I might just end up having a different opinion on myself.
So here we go then,a small attempt at coming closer to the truth,the inner truth,so to speak.
What people think about my heroics or confidence, does not, in any which way give a complete picture of my character.They may be right.They may be wrong.And God knows there are quite a few things which are absolutely wrong.It's not the mob's misapprehension.The 'mob' has got other things to do than to dwell over my character.They say,that which they see.They see me as this self imposed and confident personality who wouldn't give a hoot's ass to something that doesn't concern him,and simultaneously as a person who is sensitive to others.Alongside,some think I'm headstrong.It's not anybody's fault.Its the diverse situations I have been in and the varied thought processes I have tried to implement,consciously and sometimes sub consciously, when in those situations.
Frankly,the way you act is the way you are projected.There's just no two ways about it.
I have no regrets with this school of thought.And in fact,I have practised it for the best part of my life.
But what is portrayed across is just one side of the coin.
It takes a lot of introspection for everything that you do.Every action you perform or every thought you put forth, you go through a thousand checkpoints in your mind before finally letting it go.'You' here is me.Because I am not a hundred p.c sure on whether I can generalize this statement on the entire species of homosapiens.
So in the end what is projected of you,is nothing but the choices you made out of a million thoughts which were boiling in the cauldron that your brain is.Whether your choice is a result of fear or chutzpah,confidence or apprehension,arrogance or prudence,the bottomline fact remains,that you made a choice.And the only choice that comes across infront of the wide world is that one elect.
What remains to be analyzed is the various reasons why all other options were discarded.
The reason can be as pretenseless as the fact that the choice made was the best without compromising on the individuality and right of action of a being.Apparently,this may not be the case most of the times.Quite honestly,I do not think I have the knowledge of the art of psychoanalysis nor do I have the gift of penetration into the insides of the human psyche.
Well,that surely would stop me from pronouncing a general fit-all statement for others.But,surely I can and will dig deep into my own psyche and try to put forth atleast some reasons if not all to answer why the other choices were cancelled.
Nine out of ten times the basis for most of the rejected choices,in my case, has got something to do with the pseudo reputation I have projected and maintained for a long time infront of the audiences.
I haven't really been myself infront of too many people in my life partly because I presume they would not understand and partly because I am afraid they might think I am a bozo.
I have given myself all sorts of excuses over the years to acquit myself of any remorse or guilt over the simple fact that I am just pretending to be someone I am not.The problem is,I am not even sure if its a problem,but nonetheless ,for now, the problem is, having put on an act for so many years,I have started to believe in the fallacy and its not pretense any more.The subterfuge becomes me to a point where it has now reached the pinnacle of self-chicanery and absolved my own identity,if there was one,in the first place.
Without undermining that thought, which might well be a very valid one, I still would like to go ahead and tease my brain cells a bit further on other answers for the question in hand.
Perhaps,I am this laidback person who doesn't actually think a lot before speaking out.Laidback because I have a false confidence that whatever I say now ,if it turns out good,then fine, if not then there's surely enough of brain cells in the active mode which would help me get out of any trouble caused by my nonchalant behaviour. But isn't that ad infinitum. Nonchalance gives way to nonchalance and so on without a stop.
While pondering over my thoughts on this particular topic,I have realized I am really over analyzing.
Whether pretense or myself ,it is all me.I am the creator,preserver and destroyer of my own thoughts and actions.I am the one who has the right to present myself in a way I deem fit keeping in mind the various sensibilities and sensitivities pertaining to the kind of society I live in.
I feel like GOD.And indeed,I am.After all ,don't they say God resides in you!

DO NOT undermine yourself in any which way.You are the only one like you in this world.Enjoy the exclusivity!