Journey ON

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Some days, i find myself doing a lot of thinking. Days when everything has gone well, and i have no complaints, no worries, nothing to be upset about. I think about all the good times; all the smiles and the happiness. I close my eyes and it all comes back to me, and the bad times disappear.



Sometimes, I'm five again , and im sitting on the sofa with a soft toy while mum tries to get me to eat by attempting to convince me that the food is an aeroplane, whilst i laugh suspiciously. Some days i'm at a family gathering, and everyone is chatting idly, and i can almost feel the joy. Other times im with a friend, making up a foolish scheme, or comforting or being comforted. Every time, everywhere, only smiles come to mind. Smiles which will be with me forever, embedded in my memory till the day i die.



Some days, when the sun is out, or i've just spent ages with someone who means alot, these things spring to mind. Occasionally, i am 8 again, and down by the lake at the park down the road with my brother or a mate, kicking the ball around reluctantly and wishing i wasn't there. At times im in Canada, at the beach with the cousins or squished up on a much too small couch with the ones i love as we all watch a Harry Potter movie. Or just sitting around in the sun, playing cards, or joking around, or simply just talking . I think about things like this, and a small tear comes to my eye. I remember every blessing.



And then i think about how much life has changed recently. I think about all the ways in which i am stronger, and all the things which i still need to learn and get better at. I think about all the ways in which happiness has approached me, and i've turned away from it in spite or discontent. All the lies, all the false which surrounded me up until so recently.All the things i done which i shouldn't have, all the words that were better left unsaid. All the feelings i have hurt, that weren't mine to hurt. All the venom i spit at people hypocrytically, hoping that they would admit they were wrong, or that i was right, to accept that i was smarter, or funnier, or better in some way. Never caring, being ignorant, selfish in my needs.

And then i remember everything i neglected; Everything which was important and true. I think about how blind i've been all along , how self absorbed and obsessed i was. I well up in frustration, and wonder how i can ever put it right. Finally, i turn to Him in need.



I begin to talk to Him, unsure of what He will think of me, or my actions. I feel shame, am shameful. But once i begin i cannot stop; i talk and i talk and i talk and i talk. I am overwhelmed by emotions, but no longer lost. He listens, bearing my burdens without saying anything i do not want to hear. I step out of darkness and i begin to walk towards a light, one that was there along. I know that whilst i can not see perfectly, at least i am no longer completely in the dark.



And then i realise, that i am happier. i take another look at life, this time in a whole new light. I see all the ways in which i have been blessed, in ways i could not imagine, and may never fully comprehend.

Again i remember all the smiles that i was given, and smile once more at the (insha'Allah) many more to come. I think about all the times that i have been forgiven, despite the pain i caused or the misunderstandings i created. I realise that, despite all the things i do which portray otherwise, i am happy and grateful for my life the way it is. I think about how I am surrounded by amazing people, and how He has put them all around me without questioning me or telling me that i am undeserving. I think about all the wonderful people who i love, and how He has kept them safe, and only given us tests which we can face and obstacles we can overcome. A countless list of blessings begins to form in my mind, and i begin to see His mercy for the first time.



He has done so much for me, without questioning me once. I become aware of how I have not in the slightest done anything to deserve any of it, yet He has given me everything i could ever ask for anyway. And all he asks in return is that i remember this, and that i am i good person? All He asks is that i am caring, and loving, and sincere, and care for my fellow man? My heart begins to melt.



It begins to become more apparent what i must do, and it is not even anything particularly strenuous? I wonder if it's too good to be true, but realise it isn't; He is just that Divine and True. He has given me everything, and i have given him nothing.



So i close my eyes, and let my tears fall, and make Him a new promise. I promise Him that i will try to give Him everything i can, and strive in his way along the path i know is true and beautiful. He does so much for me, and this is all He asks in return.



And i hope that insha'Allah, i always feel this way, and insha'Allah i am a companion of the Jann'ah which awaits those who believe and are just and righteous. May the smiles keep coming, but Insha'Allah i will do enough, to prove that i am worthy ?




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